How to connect with 'wholesome' families

[RosemarySutcliffe]

Please no tiresome comments of offended outrage. I was hoping for ideas on how to meet home educated families in the hope that my children (ages 13,11, 7 & 4) could make friends with children more like themselves. Children who are familiar with classic literature (nesbit, ransome, tolkien, lewis etc), who are imaginative, interested in culture (shakespeare, poetry, enthusiastic, outdoorsy, well-mannered and have a sense of good sportsmanship, traditional childhood fun, how to be a friend and so on.
It feels like a needle in a haystack. We don't do gaming, my children don't have ipads or phones, they have only been exposed to edifying, wholesome films. They don't have behaviour problems or mental health problems. They are just decent, normal, imperfect, regular children. They don't know who Taylor Swift is, they've never played minecraft. How to meet like-minded people? It feels as if home educated children these days are often far more homogeneous than children who attend school. I don't mean any judgement of offence, it just can feel a little lonely as a family when you are raising them outside of the prevailing culture. We would love to have friends to invite for afternoon tea and poetry, dinner parties, bonfires, book clubs, put on plays with, swallows and amazon style adventures.. you get the idea.

As someone else said, helping your children to mix with those NOT like they may be more helpful for their development and preparation for maturity.
What you are seeking is not alien to some religious denominations but with those goes a vast unwritten code of expectations of how YOU and your family can and will contribute as well as a shared understanding and commitment to their values.
Otherwise have you thought about cadets?
FWIW A social worker once told me he that one of their psychologists viewed lack of tv as tantamount to child abuse as in those days children tended to bond over tv shows

Nothing wrong with Taylor Swift. As a pop star she’s pretty wholesome! Her early more country-focused albums in particular have lots of songs about loving your mum and family life and so on.

I don't think your hopes for your kids are unreasonable ones to have, though it isn't exactly what I've done with mine.

There are some aspects of your lifestyle which conspire against the friendships you're looking for. I wonder whether you'd consider changing some of those things?

You've moved area several times, too far for the kids to keep up with friends easily. That's normal, and perhaps unavoidable, but it does mess with friendships. I hope you are now settled for good in your current area?

You're quite rural, meaning other people are thin on the ground. And although you are very willing to ferry your kids around, they'd have more independence if they could get around on their own. For example, your eldest could just jump on a bus or bicycle to go see a friend whenever he wants, with no worries about it conflicting with a sibling's swimming lesson or bedtime or parents making dinner. What about a move to a town or even a city?

You say "we are so busy with schoolwork (classical education style, not unschoolers) and after school clubs that we don't have the same time to commit". But you HAVE to commit the time for your kids to just hang out with others. You can't develop friendships speed-dating style. Unless they are seeing the same people repeatedly at different clubs or study groups, this lifestyle just doesn't appear to have the space to accommodate new friendships blossoming easily. You've prioritised things other than their social opportunities.

I know you can't just sweep away all of these obstacles. No doubt you have chosen to live this way for good reasons. But it will have consequences. We live differently from you in all of the above respects, and as a result my kids have never wanted for friends. Their social lives were actually the most important aspect of home education for me.

I think what you are experiencing is that if you want to raise your dc outside the prevailing culture you also accept isolation. Is that better or worse? You might be able to find like-minded families on other more arcane online forums for HE. There must be someone else doing similar, but you'd have to travel.

A lot of HE kids have some form of SEN so you struggle as even if you find screen free kids they may have SEN.

I agree with you that screens are pervasive and damaging (even as I sit on one typing to you rather than reading my book). If your dc are happy off them and as "wholesome" as you say then it's a difficult choice. Do you risk exposing them to outside influences? How do you introduce the concept of self regulation once they have free rein?

I think it's a pipe dream to find the perfect family to socialise with. Even if these unicorns exist the chances of your dc getting on given ages ranges must be negligible. Either lower your expectations or give up.

I'd encourage friendships in the activities your dc do. Chat to all the orchestra mums, go to the scouting or brownie events where parents are invited and make friends yourself and try and introduce the dc to new society that way. Unclench about them finding out about Taylor Swift or manga. Accept that children aren't going to bond over Homer and Tolkien. These are solitary pursuits. They may bond over the new series of Wednesday and if musically minded team up to play paint it black. Not wholesome by your standards but a pretty solid contribution to culture that is not totally bone headed. I think there has to be balance.

I do think too restricted an upbringing can backfire.

Excellent trolling 11/10!

Maybe a church youth group, one that’s linked to a particularly strict religious group? Have you considered becoming Plymouth Brethren? They do and don’t do most of what you’ve mentioned. They might know who Taylor Swift is but they certainly can’t listen to her music.

@Shouldhavelovedathunderbird I can relate to your post so much! Also raised in a Conservative Christian home and had a very wholesome, idyllic childhood that I remember very fondly. The problem was the teen years... I also recall having to do a school presentation on our favourite musician. I chose Neil Diamond! In about 1998 🙈 Utterly humiliating when I heard all the other presentations. Similarly, I didn't understand any cultural references, and to other teenagers - who seem to communicate largely through movie quotes and in-jokes - that makes you pretty fucking weird and unrelatable.
When I was 15 I moved to a new school and took the opportunity to reinvent myself. I bought a load of teen magazines and literally studied, like you would for an exam, how to be "normal".
It was just so difficult to make friends prior to that. Even now as a relatively "normal" adult, I still have terrible imposter syndrome, socially, and assume everyone I meet will find out I'm weird and is just tolerating me until then.
OP, you've had loads of good advice here about loosening the reins just a little, and I'm encouraged to see you taking it on board. I do think your children will thank you as they grow older for giving them such a lovely childhood, but would also appreciate being gently helped to adapt to life in mainstream 21st century society!

What came as a surprise to me was that there are many children in school who have quite traditional interests. I had been very evangelical about home-ed and childhood freedom from popular culture, but in reality it often seemed that many home-ed teens spent most of their lives online. The school children, though being kept away from screens for so many hours a day, possibly had more opportunity to develop their interests in other hobbies. I have met so many wonderful teenagers with wide ranging interests, teens whose families do long-distance trail running, or re-enactments, or sailing, and all sorts of other "wholesome" things, and they do this alongsidegoing to school and mixing with lots of other kids.

^This — my DD’s school friends all have outside interests, and each one seems to have a “wholesome” hobby that they are good at and do to quite a high level: off the top of my head these include gymnastics, playing football for a county team, hockey, music on various instruments (from piano to bassoon and even bagpipes), ballet and dance, riding, chess, swimming, sewing their own clothes, cycling, fencing, drama and singing. My DD plays a couple of instruments, is keen on football, does lots of drama at school, and so on. All her friends do “wholesome” activities and some of them also have phones (not all), use the internet, like Taylor Swift, etc. as well - to varying degrees. DD doesn’t have or play any computer games but she does like pop music (she’s 13) and is interested in fashion as well as lots of other activities like theatre, music, etc. You will find that lots of families have a mix of “wholesome” activities and more “modern” ones.

And classic texts haven’t gone away either — DD was scathing about the more recent film version of Swallows and Amazons, but likes the 1970s version. The new CBBC version of Malory Towers is really charming and yes, wholesome. They take on new forms and are still fun and enjoyable. Harry Potter is pretty wholesome and classic, as kids’ books go! CBeebies produces some fantastic kids’ shows that are often better than the ones of our era! There’s no reason to keep all modern media from then when some of it is very good.

Yes, learning to treat people from all backgrounds with respect, and seeing the value in each other’s differences is as wholesome as you can get.

I also agree with the responder who said the type you described can often be found at church or learning to play a instrument.

I have family who are DEEP in the homeschool community and, tbh, what they do is they organiser the groups themselves. Write out the list of examples of what you want to do and arrange days locally and invite other homeschoolers. The likeminded ones then all seem to stick together.

By the by, it’s fully possible for kids that attend school to have a Swallows and Amazons style childhood. I’m fairly sure the kids in the book actually went to school themselves.

Get them into Tom Lehrer

I can’t believe so many posters have fallen for this

I just got off the phone with Taylor Swift and she said she finds your post very offensive.

Time travel back to 1930

My 13 year old plays the violin and loves reading the classics among other books. We watch lovely gentle movies together like the secret garden. We camp, she is in scouts and she loves the outdoors.

But she also plays video games, loved Taylor swift, is toying with skincare, clothes and makeup and constantly messages her friends on her phone.

These things are not mutually exclusive.

Your 13 is missing out on having her own social life now. I think maybe the answer lies in finding the right activities for them.

Scouts is a good one because the kids can build relationships with each other as there are lots of trips and days out.
if they play an instrument, get them into a orchestra set up.
Drama is another one where you find more arty kids.

You need to let them live in the world we live in. It’s not unwholesome, it’s just real life,

I think you need to introduce the idea of social media and the internet so that they slowly learn how it works. Sooner or later they will have to survive in the real world, a digital world.

How will they understand what a scam email looks like, how will they negotiate social media? At some point are you going to hand them a phone and wish them the best ? I think they’ll need more guidance than that.

When you ask your son what he would like to do, what he would like to see more of, something completely new to experience etc. how
does he respond?

@JackRobinson Ohh love. You music poster memory has me empathising so much. The burning shame, the giggles from the others and what's worse the teacher seeing the whole thing unfold and trying desperately to smooth it over.
I am glad you got a clean break. Do you often find it hard to keep up with things as your knowledge of cultural references is restrospective?
Also - I raise you, Perry Como. 🤣

Living rurally can’t help with meeting like-minded people. We live in a small city and it’s easier to find your own kind of people. You don’t even need to find exactly like minded friends, just similar enough. Good luck.

You do come across as snobbish and rude, though not due to mistaken perception.

Right? 🙄

OP, you are doing the equivalent of bringing up your children in a foreign country in their own native land.

I urge you to look up 'code switching' and the other effects of being brought up by parents who can't - or refuse to - integrate into their society. Being intensely counter cultural may well be your comfort zone, but your children will find themselves facing immense social difficulties in young adulthood and further in their lives. They simply do not have a common language to use for communicating with their peers.

You need to ask yourself what your choices are founded upon, and address all of that honestly. Perhaps a therapist would help you attain clarity.

I’m confident I have NOT got the balance right and I too am saddened and concerned by the vaping etc my point was that a number of posters were suggesting music schools or musical groups could offer you the wholesome lifestyle you seek, and my own experience of youth orchestra ans youth bands (and that of my daughter) is very different. Yes they spent hours working on classical repertoire and performing it, but outside of that they were just as wild and rebellious and disappointingly naughty as any other group of teens,

i dont have the answer, but in my experience music kids are just as “unwholesome” as a group as any other,

You are using terms like "dangerous" and "terrified".

I urge you to find a therapist and talk about your fears. Your children will thank you for any insights you arrive at that will allow them to live a life that gives them a chance of becoming fully functioning social beings. The life they are living now does not offer them that opportunity.

We are a social species and they need to be allowed to develop in that direction - in order to do so they will need your active encouragement. It's not enough for you and your husband to talk about a broad range of subjects at the dinner table.

I wholeheartedly agree with you @Liliwen.

Life Lessons from Taylor Swift
Shake it off - Don’t let the bad guys get you down value yourself for who you are
Calm Down challenge discrimination and stick up for your friends and recognise you too have faults
We are never getting back together - value yourself and you deserve a man to treat you well
Anti Hero don’t self sabotage
can’t vouch for all of her songs but I think she’s a pretty good role model for most girls!