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To not send dc back to school after holidays

335 replies

fernTaylo · 23/12/2018 22:50

Basically the school is too far, I don’t drive, public transport is stressful, busy and takes far far too long
No places at any schools nearer
The dc are tired , im terribly stressed and feel that home education would be better all round as we wouldn’t be travelling for a large part of the day, less stress etc
Socialising can be done at other activities they go to
I’m 99% decision made already as am just so tired

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 24/12/2018 09:56

Part of having children is doing what’s best for them, not just what’s best for you. You say you want them to have a stress free mum and that’s more important than school. It may be NOW. What about in 10, 20, 30 years? Will your daughters be able to fulfil their career potential, or become fully functioning social adults, or form successful relationships with a partner or their own children if they’ve been stuck at home with an anxious mum every day instead of getting their education?

This isn’t about the school run. It’s not going to magically get better when you stop. You clearly have some mental health issues and that anxiety will just transfer to something else if there isn’t a school run anymore. If you want to do what’s best for your children then seek help for your mental health. Don’t pull them out of school.

GinIsIn · 24/12/2018 09:57

And if you can’t put their needs first then can they live with their father in the week until you get your MH on a more even keel?

swingofthings · 24/12/2018 10:02

What triggers you being overwhelmed? Rushing because you are late, the crowds/ noise, your kids misbehaving?

EthelHornsby · 24/12/2018 10:02

What you will be doing is limiting their lives to appease your own anxieties - you say you don’t have anxiety, but not being able to cope with two short bus journeys is NOT normal. You will be teaching them that the world is too scary and passing on your anxieties to them. What you want to do has nothing to do with what is in their best interests. However you justify this to yourself, you will be damaging them. If you have these anxieties it is even more important that your children are able to go out and have a normal interaction with the outside world - as a mother it is your responsibility to find a way to make this happen

smartiecake · 24/12/2018 10:03

OP I think you need to speak to the GP again about your issues. I am repeating lots of others posters but taking them out of school to HE because you get stressed with public transport is not going to solve your issue with anxiety. Having 2 kids at home all day can be stressful especially once the novelty has worn off and what about taking them out during the week to activities and trips if you don't like public transport?
The problem seems to be yours rather than your children being unhappy and struggling at school. If your children are doing well and enjoy school and have friends why would you remove them from this? What if they want to go back or just one wants to go back? You will still have to take them both even if it's just one child attending school. And you may end up at a different school. it's a huge amount of upheaval for 2 small children. I think you need to look at help for you first as the problem is yours not your kids problem.

swingofthings · 24/12/2018 10:04

It is normal to feel overwhelmed in rush hour, the vast majority of commuters and people dropping their kids feel like that. It's part of life and in itself not a reason to stop doing it so you really need to understand why it is getting to you so badly.

whosafraidofabigduckfart · 24/12/2018 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StripeyDeckchair · 24/12/2018 10:07

Wow, half an hours journey! I was expecting something around two hours.

I think you're being unreasonable - it's all about you not your children. They need space away from you and from each other to grow and develop, a few after school clubs are not enough.

What is your long term plan?
How long would you HE for?
How would you reintegrate them into main steam education? Or ensure that they get the qualifications they will need for later life?
How will you provide specialist education e.g. Science, DT, PE, Art etc that need specific equipment or a number of students?
Is your education sufficient for you to cover the broad spectrum of school subjects? If not how will you ensure your children are taught those subjects? Can you afford alternative provision?
Can you afford to buy all the resources you'll need?

DoinItForTheKids · 24/12/2018 10:07

OP ALL your responses are those of someone in a panic, desperately trying to get away from something that they can't cope with. At no point have you (despite your posts being all about YOUR needs) identified that it's YOU that has an issue with this journey and that you need to do something about it (not arrive at a fantasy solution, for all the wrong reasons, HE).

You freely say that you felt overwhelmed going to school when you were a child. OP there will be a reason/reasons for this and that's where your focus should be, unpicking that. Maybe some significant family upheaval / death in the family / divorce or other major event that resulted in severe anxiety. I sympathise as I have it myself and have since a child. It's bloody tough BUT you have to face it and tackle it, not run away from it.

Yes, of course, it's your choice at the end of the day, but your motivation for it is all wrong (sorry OP but it is).

I agree with others that if you can't cope with the known daily bus journey then you're not going to cope with what will be a much less predictable /familiar set of outings and journeys not to the same place every day, but to a variety of places, new places, places you've never had to get to before which you already know you'll have to use public transport for because you don't drive (and frankly, thinking that your DH could take time off work to ferry children around for this is absolutely bonkers, or that you could fit all the trips stuff in at the weekends!).

You've said a couple of times about the 'getting ready' and 'rushing in the morning'. A lot of anxiety management is about being prepared (like a boy scout) and as much as I can't stand the woman Anthea Turner (vom) does have a way with setting yourself up for success on such matters - it's amazing how improved the mornings could be for you OP if you had this super organised I'm in control approach that just repeated every morning. It's things as simple as having bus passes instead of trying to find change that sort of thing as well. So when you say 'there's no other solution' that's not true - there is the organising solution which would remove two of the things you mentioned - feeling overwhelmed and rushing. If you're saying you're rushing every morning it's because you're not organised and there's no getting away from that. If a normal level of morning chaos is too much for you, organise out of the mornings so it just can't happen. The choice and the capability to do that rests with you and IS definitely achievable by you but it sounds like you are a victim of your anxiety at the moment and such that there is literally no forward progress in tackling it even in simple practical ways, things that you could prepare for over Xmas and the New Year and have in place for next term....

And so you don't think I'm talking theoretically, I'm not. As I say I have anxiety and have to plan all my journeys to the nth degree (especially if it's somewhere new and regardless of whether driven or public transport) but when I'm travelling the same journey every day, a journey that never changes essentially (apart from a late train or cancelled train and whether I end up sitting next to the smelly snoring man or not) it's not stressful. It shouldn't be stressful to you OP to do the same journey day in and day out and that's coming from someone who gets what anxiety is like and lives with it day to day. This tends to indicate that ALL of your life unless you are sequestered in the house - 'safe' - gives you this overwhelmed feeling and that's far from normal and needs addressing - by you. But not by picking HE for all the wrong reasons. Your level of panic coming through in your posts and when you describe your mornings is someone running away terrified by the prospect but you need to understand that what you describe is extremely excessive and disproportionate.

As parents the onus is on us to be the best adults we can be - so if your anxiety is affecting your life to this extent and producing a plan which is based completely on wishful thinking and unrealistic 'solutions' (eg hubby taking time off work to do HE trips ) then you need to sort things out and what you need to sort out, is YOU.

WHY does a journey like that feel so overwhelming? WHAT is triggering that feeling? HOW could better in-advance organisation be utilised to reduce the overwhelming feeling? THIS is where you should be applying the effort because I see what others see: not only is your plan unrealistic and predicated on your needs first and foremost, you are already acknowledging (especially with the DH taking time off WORK to do HE trips!!) that you won't be able to cope with HE either! It won't be better OP, I genuinely believe it won't.

You can run from the need to attend to your own issues as much as you like (I get it, it's hard and anxiety takes a toll on you that many people who don't have it, just don't understand), but this is what's at the root of this and I fear you'll be like the example given earlier - you'll be no better off and the kids will end up isolated and receiving both a poor deal educationally as well as socially because you'll simply be replacing one known predictable journey with a whole load of journeys that you have never made before and which may involve all kinds of convoluted public transport journeys way 'worse' than the regular school and back bus journey which you are currently facing. The issue remains the same and unaddressed, your anxiety. I know it's hard, but this is what you need to tackle.

You need to work with a counsellor who can unpick the issues, help you plan your way through a journey looking at all the parts which make you feel overwhelmed and how to tackle each of those steps, finding ways to cope with each concern and how you'd address it, so that you can cope with all the journeys etc. If you look at TED talks there's one about a teen who suddenly got severe anxiety and just started sobbing when he pulled up at the school gates and ended up not being able to go to school for ages. What is clear from this and in dealing with anxiety is that the approach to it is twofold. You have to unpick the feelings and the why's and get help with that, BUT, you also have to expose yourself to the stressful thing or it doesn't get better, it doesn't stay the same, it gets worse, and your world shrinks (and hence your children's) and you never actually tackling the root cause that's led to this idea OP, and that's your anxiety and panic responses to routine happenings. That's not your fault, it's just how it is, but you do need to tackle it and only you can do it. And this needs doing before you start any HE otherwise you - and your kids - are going to be stuck in the house 24/7 unable to go anywhere and surely you don't want that for them?

Don't YOU want to feel better each day, not feel overwhelmed by stuff as well - you deserve to feel better you really do but the way you're thinking of going about it is not a solution, it's a distracting panic idea that I don't believe will bring you the peace that you think it will.

DoinItForTheKids · 24/12/2018 10:13

Oh, and can I say, it is possible to have severe anxiety and now know that's what it is! I didn't realise until I was nearly 38 that that is what I had! Honestly. I was a child in the 70s and a teen in the 80s, no one talked about anxiety then - you just 'got on with it'. No one talked to you when a family member died - when my dad died I didn't even get a cuddle from my mum! So you indicate you think it might not be anxiety but boy, it sure sounds like it (being there myself, it explains so many historical behaviours but I'd never have thought I had it, and it's got worse over time not better albeit, I control and manage the hell out of it, including forcing myself to do 'scary' things all the time so my world remains navigable and growing - I refuse to let it curtail my life or my children's life - but then I'm an argumentative little sod so that's not surprising).

MacarenaFerreiro · 24/12/2018 10:16

I’m 99% decision made already

OP has already decided that this is what she is doing, so I think she's probably stopped reading and is ignoring all the concerns people are raising.

Poor kids. It's not about what's best for them at all.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 24/12/2018 10:23

I just feel I’m easily overwhelmed but not in general only really on public transport at busy times
That’s why at the weekends the children’s dad takes them out it’s not that I hand over to him as I don’t its just for anything travel related

So you can’t do anything travel related. And you can’t drive. So you will be restricting your DC to spending their days within walking distance of your home and reliant on good weather for that. They have to wait for the weekend before they can go anywhere further afield with their father.

Honestly OP you are totally deluded here. You are not equipped to educate your children at home.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 24/12/2018 10:26

OP you need to get yourself some CBT to work through your anxiety about travel and create some coping mechanisms so you gradually find it less and less stressful.

GrainOfSalt · 24/12/2018 10:33

Join some Facebook home ed groups - local and national - and ask your questions there. They will be able to tell you the options in your local area and you will be able to make connections. There is a lot of misinformation on this thread - albeit well meaning. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but for the next couple of days I'd forget about it and concentrate on Christmas.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 24/12/2018 10:40

Op - I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Maybe it’s not anxiety as you’re so definite it’s not but it’s not normal to be so overwhelmed by a commute you want to disrupt your children’s lives like this.

it really is a selfish decision. It is not in your children’s best interests at all. You’ve been told to seek help, speak to your gp, seek alternatives to the commute etc. But you seem set on this so I don’t expect you to listen. So crack on - that’s what you want to hear.

aintnothinbutagstring · 24/12/2018 10:44

I would look at all the alternatives first. Like where are they on the waiting lists for the other schools, you might not have long to wait. Have you investigated school transport. Could you get one bus and walk the rest of the way, take the kids scooters. I do understand how you feel as we drive through a busy city centre to reach school, it's not far but takes over half hour or more in the morning rush hour. But I can put music or the radio on to make things fun. Why do you think your kids should never see you stressed? Wouldn't it be healthier to see you deal with the full facet of human emotion so they know life is not always easy. I get stressed driving, I may say a few choice words but that's life! I'm not against homeschooling but they could be quite isolated if they're not being taken out much.

MadeForThis · 24/12/2018 10:45

You need to deal with your own issues without disrupting your dc education.

Speak to your gp or a counsellor. You need to learn how to cope with travelling at busy times. 30 mins is a short commute.

Look at getting a child minder or family member or school mum to help with the school run.

How do you normally cope getting out and about? Shopping, day trips etc.

RCohle · 24/12/2018 10:47

You're doing this for your benefit, not your kids.

Get a job and spend the money on taxis?

kaytee87 · 24/12/2018 10:50

Op id look at teaching them to get the bus themselves or get a taxi.
Get yourself to the doctors for your anxiety too.
I don't think you'd be doing your kids any favours pulling them out of school. You'll just be teaching them to be scared of the world like you are - sorry if that's harsh.

SassitudeandSparkle · 24/12/2018 10:55

Oh dear OP, I can sense your stress and dread of the new term but it really does come across as you wanting to do this because of your feelings, not theirs.

I can only echo previous posters who say that you need to get yourself in a place you are happy with before pulling your children out. I'd have said that having the children around 24/7 is way more stressful than the bus journeys! I do see that you said you have always dreaded this element of life and avoid it completely at the weekend so I don't think you'll find it any different midweek.

I don't think HE is the easy option at all, and can only urge you again to focus on yourself for a bit. I hope it works out for everyone concerned.

whosafraidofabigduckfart · 24/12/2018 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fernTaylo · 24/12/2018 11:09

I haven’t stopped reading just trying to process each response
The link above I have just spent a while on and it describes me totally this is not something I’d ever even considered as I thought adhd was hyperactivity in children

OP posts:
fernTaylo · 24/12/2018 11:10

I will catch up on this thread later I need to go and have a think

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 24/12/2018 11:12

Well done for coming back after some if the less than friendly posts. Focus on yourself first. Good luck.

Branleuse · 24/12/2018 11:16

Id go for it. That journey sounds like a massive stress.

Its amazing how much family life can improve without the stress of school, as long as you can actually get to and access home ed stuff.

Also its not an irreversible decision. If it doesnt work out to be great, you can send them to school again.

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