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Home ed

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Original poster

To ask what you think when you hear a child is home educated

684 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 15/03/2015 23:19

I suppose I am trying to gauge a range of opinions.

I am seriously - possibly definitely (definitely maybe?) going to be home schooling my 8 year old for a period of time.

I don't know why I'm worried; perhaps because it's so beyond the norm of what we have experienced before. I don't know anyone who home educates; I wasn't educated at home myself and I think I have known rather a lot of people who are very much of the view that school is all important. I've never particularly subscribed to that view but I've always wanted my children to have a 'normal' upbringing and going to school seems very much a part of that?

Does anyone have any views? As I'm going to possibly be de registering him tomorrow?

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 16/03/2015 21:32

Sadly, there is no hypothetical because different things work for different children. If I was working with you we'd sit down and look at what works for your situation.

I'm not trying to be difficult. Your school will, I'm sure, do everything it can to help your DS back into school if that's what you truly want for him. But you can't ask them to do that if your heart's not in it.

Christinayang1 · 16/03/2015 21:41

I think op is trying to find out if there are ways that this could be done without being too traumatic to her ds

Could you give her a couple of examples do things that you might do, so that she can understand it?

Charley50 · 16/03/2015 21:44

I think if try bribery (my DS will do most things for a really big ice cream), reassurance, firmness, talking about the things he enjoys at school (it's music on Tuesdays, you love that), more reassurance..(mummy will be waiting for you at home time), arrange a treat for after school, and more reassurance (if the topic of getting in trouble comes up again, say it's fine we all get in trouble sometimes it's no big deal).
I would try all those things. I might make a countdown game out of getting ready for school.

Charley50 · 16/03/2015 21:46

I would probably ask DS what it was that was worrying him about school or home, and if he told me, I would try to address his worries in a reassuring way, but one that led to him feeling ok about going to school again.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 16/03/2015 21:55

It isn't about me at all - just DS.

Charley DS was completely and utterly beyond reason last week. Trust me, it wasn't a bit of reluctance to go in that a promise of ice cream would have solved. He'd urinated in bed as he felt unable to get up and (in his mind) go to school. Horrible.

OP posts:
jigsawlady · 16/03/2015 21:59

turquoise - how would you persuade ds to go to the doctors or dentist if he needed to but didnt want to go. or have an immunisation for instance??

please put yourself in you sons shoes, stop thinking abouf what you want and you having room to breathe. I would say that a little boh having stability (even if it means beong forced to do somethiing he doesnt want to) is more important than a happh environment. if you stick with it for longer than a few weeks and work with the school there is a good chance you will ride thus bad patch out.

if you home ed for a few months then put him back into school you will just be another adult abandoning him. that will probably have awful consequences with his father leaving and the added stress of a new sibling who is understandably going to take a lot of your time and some attention away from him.

I dont think for a second you will admit it but I think you are being quite selfish and should put your ds first

Christinayang1 · 16/03/2015 22:04
Shock
Charley50 · 16/03/2015 22:05

Turquoise; how is DS today? Just because he was distraught last week doesn't mean he has to stay distraught. If he's wet the bed he has to get up to get clean and dressed. Once he's up his morning routine starts. Is he still distraught once he's up? Was he distraught today? Have you spoken to him about his fears? My ice cream suggestion was sort of light-hearted, although a treat to look forward to after school might cheer him up, but what about the other things I have mentioned?

SallyMcgally · 16/03/2015 22:14

OP isn't being selfish at all. She's bending over backwards trying to find the right path forward for her son. What's clear from every post is her desperation to alleviate her aon's unhappiness.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 16/03/2015 22:16

I wouldn't drag him in by force jigsaw, that's for sure. I'm certainly not being selfish, I don't want an upset and frightened child - how strange. I suspect what you mean is 'I am against home schooling and so I will say you are selfish because we have a different opinion.'

It hasn't been an issue because this is normally a well behaved and well mannered child.

He didn't 'have' to get up and clean and dressed in his eyes - he 'had' to stay there because he was terrified to move.

The other things mentioned - charley, with respect and I do mean that; I'm not being obtuse - you aren't here. Cheerfully saying 'you have music today' to a child shaking and wet and terrified? I have never seen DS like that before.

'once he's up his morning routine starts' he couldn't get up!

OP posts:
Nerf · 16/03/2015 22:20

In your situation what occurs to me is that ds feels responsible and worried for you . Is that possible? He was worried by you being ' ill ' during pregnancy and now he sees you vulnerable and left by dad, so does school make him feel he is abandoning you? If you're honest, what emotions has he seen at home?

Christinayang1 · 16/03/2015 22:21

Take the immediate pressure off him by telling him he doesn't have to go for now and let him calm down for a few days..when he is relaxed and you are playing together talk to him about what is upsetting him

I so hope you get this sorted as the wee soul sounds totally miserable, he is only 8

jigsawlady · 16/03/2015 22:21

funny turquoise because I suspect what you are saying is I want to HE so I will do it even if it is gojng to make ds' s anxiety worse in the long run.

how do you plan to manage his anxiety when the baby is born and its time for him to return to school? I imagine he will feel abandoned then dont you?

Charley50 · 16/03/2015 22:23

Ok sorry Turquiose I take your point about how he was on Friday. Was he the same this morning or was he more relaxed?

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 16/03/2015 22:24

No jigsaw. I won't be forcing him to school in September, I hope he will feel ready then, but by all means carry on telling me what I am going to do.

Nerf it is possible. I am hoping therapy will help with this. In terms of emotions a home that's so hard to answer as I thought I had shielded him from a lot but evidently I didn't Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 16/03/2015 22:25

He was more relaxed but still initially worried about school.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 16/03/2015 22:26

I agree that you need to speak calmly with him when he is relaxed and happy. Which could be tomorrow.

Nerf · 16/03/2015 22:27

It's just what happens though isn't it, they pick up on stuff. I guess what I'm thinking is, does he want to stay to look after you, and could that actually not be healthy? Could you try to show you have loads to do and such a fun, busy day that it's a good job hes going to school?

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 16/03/2015 22:29

That would really upset him nerf - I can 'read' him well and he'd interpret that as not being wanted especially as I'd have dd with me.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 16/03/2015 22:29

Ok. So that's great. And if he was initially worried about school it sounds like some of his transient fears of school are going away. How about introducing the idea of school tomorrow morning and getting him back on that pony? Sorry I hope my posting manner doesn't seem flippant, but it's a long time until the summer hols and I have to agree that you feeding any fears that he had temporarily will make those fears worse.

FushandChups · 16/03/2015 22:30

I am about halfway through the thread so I apologise if I'm repeating advice already given:

Your DS's behaviour is being caused by your marriage breakdown, not his educational set up. This isn't something that has been brewing for a while or from conflict with another child - this is because he doesn't know how to cope with the change and has latched onto something he feels he can control and which you are letting him.

My DD was exactly the same when my exh left. She was younger than your DS which actually meant that she was more blunt in her reasons for not wanting to go into school - "I just want to be with you mummy", "I want to make sure you're ok", "when I'm not there, you're on your own and no one is looking after you." She would cling to me at drop off, tears and almost being dragged off... Your DS is probably feeling the same but exacerbated by the fact you're pregnant..

I worked with the school and DD spent a little time each week with the school nurse just talking about how she felt.. not therapy, just a safe space to talk to someone completely unrelated to her troubles.. They didn't even really talk about my marriage breakdown, it was all about reassurance and building up her confidence.

All situations are different and I am maybe projecting, but your DS sounds to me that he needs security which he perceives as needing to be with you when in actual fact, he needs to know you're ok when he's not with you..

Not sure if I am making myself clear but I agree with a lot of the posters on here that you're treating the symptoms and not the cause.

I hope you make the right decision for you all though and best of luck with the remainder of your pregnancy Thanks

Charley50 · 16/03/2015 22:32

I meant it's great that he's more relaxed.. Cross posted.
In reply to your latest post, you tell him straight of course you want him but you want him to go to school like all the other children in his class and you will look forward to seeing him after school. Please reassure him that it is all fine.

morethanpotatoprints · 16/03/2015 22:32

I can't begin to understand how hard this is for you turquoise
Nobody can honestly hand on heart say you aren't putting your ds first.
I still think its the right thing to do alongside seeking some help and support.
I too don't think it is necessary to attend to access the support you and your ds need and deserve.

Don't forget many of the nay sayers on here have no experience of H.ed.
Even if your ds didn't do anything formally for a year or throughout primary your time wouldn't have been wasted.
I can see exactly where you are coming from and if he was my child we'd be deregistered already.
You need to do what is right for all of you, it's your call.
Don't forget from the H.ed pov there is a lot of support and encouragement now.

Nerf · 16/03/2015 22:34

Ok, I'm just trying to offer an alternative view on why he may have reacted like this. I would be more inclined to keep school constant and not take him out, but you know your life, I don't. Good luck.

Charley50 · 16/03/2015 22:34

Totally agree with Fushbchips.
And you are in control now, not your controlling ex. Gentle reassurance but firm actions.