To ask what you think when you hear a child is home educated

[turquoiseamethyst]

I suppose I am trying to gauge a range of opinions.

I am seriously - possibly definitely (definitely maybe?) going to be home schooling my 8 year old for a period of time.

I don't know why I'm worried; perhaps because it's so beyond the norm of what we have experienced before. I don't know anyone who home educates; I wasn't educated at home myself and I think I have known rather a lot of people who are very much of the view that school is all important. I've never particularly subscribed to that view but I've always wanted my children to have a 'normal' upbringing and going to school seems very much a part of that?

Does anyone have any views? As I'm going to possibly be de registering him tomorrow?

Charley, he was relaxed because I wasn't forcing him into school!

If I had, he'd have freaked again and it would be worse as he'd lose that trust in me which is vital.

Fush I agree with the first part of your post but DS is not an 'opening up child' and would be more likely to make a voodoo doll of his sister than open up to a random adult!

I suspect DS needs a lot of TLC and attention just now.

My brother and his wife have homeschooled their five. This was in Australia though, were the city provides a lot of support for home schooled children to get socialised with other kids. E.g. circus, dancing and drama, classes every week.. It is a huge comittment of time from the parents, you wont be able to do much else timewise. My neice kicked up at 15 years and insisted on school, but it was tough to buckle down to study with no previous experience, so she had fun for a year, but failed her exams and left. A pity,because she is awfully bright in my opinion.

How do you know he'd have freaked with you? You can't know that. Just because he had one terrible day in Friday; which sounds like he had a nightmare actually, doesn't mean he is going to freak, or feel unwanted because he has to go to school.
Did you listen to the pp who said that keeping children with anxiety off school has been shown to exacerbate the anxiety.

Anyway wishing you luck.

I told DS 'if you want to try going to school, you can.'

How do I know he'd have freaked - I know DS, just as I am sure you know your own children.

You are seeing it from the point of view he needs rushing back to school asap: I'm not. That's why I'm not too interested in statistics, I'm concerned with my child.

Well I'm no child psychologist but some might say you are giving him too much power in letting him decide, and that it should be your decision not his.

You did ask a PP, a couple of pages back, how they would suggest getting him back to school. These have been my suggestions.

Some might say that, but some might say we will find a brighter day :)

(Oasis fan back in the day!)

He needs some power charley. He needs listening to and drawing closer, not pushing away.

Thank you. I have explained they wouldn't work in this particular situation but it is kind of you to share.

You said "Suburban - hypothetically then if a child like DS was refusing to go in and the parent wanted to get him in, how would you tackle that?" So I presumed that actually you would like to see him settled back at school.

Yes - settled.

I'm not a massive Oasis fan. Preferred Pulp
Going to school is 'being pushed away.' It's just part of the day.

Well this thread has certainly taken my mind off my own heartache thank you. I hope your DS is ok soon. Without his dad around he will soon be a much happier bunny.

I understand your 'random adult' comment but he needs to get his feelings out - it just sounds as though he is bottling it up. Is there someone at his school he could talk to - you mention his love of music.. would he be willing to spend some extra time in that safe space?

Does your DS talk to you about his fears and worries? He needs to be with you, of course, but he also needs to be with people where he can let out what he's thinking; he is likely doing/saying what he thinks you want to hear.

It is so hard seeing our DC in pain.

Oh - and my thoughts on HE.. really undecided. My only experience is with a boy who was socially inept before being removed so i fear it may not be a great decision for him.. but his DM is adamant (and a little bit smug and evangelical if I'm honest!). Could it work for you? Only you know but I have to say that I would read and re-read Dinos posts from earlier. You may not like the tone but I really do believe she is talking (writing? ) a lot of sense.

good luck OP, you sound like your head is screwed on.

We home educate, it really suits us.

I think the points about anxious/ avoidant behaviour are useful. Perhaps a narrative about returning to school is a useful one, perhaps you could be talking about building strategies for how that would happen with him, so you do frame his anxiety as something he can take charge of, something he can work through.

Keeping him off right now sounds straightforwardly like the right thing though. Maybe de-regging isn't necessary - make that decision over Easter? No need to hurry the decision, you both sound like you could do with feeling a bit less like the house is on fire and a bit more like you are relaxed and able to think past the immediate crisis. He is in crisis, though, isn't he? It sounds to me like he can depend on you, which I say because I disagree with pp inferences that you are doing this somehow for you own benefit.

We HE a term at a time really. I think you need to make your decisions next step at a time. I think whatever you do have the issue of anxious avoidance in your head as something you are going to have to deal with as part of the recovery. But listen to your instincts, you sound totally reasonable and rational unlike the rest of us HE wankers that HE out of choice shock horror

I know access in completely inadequate. But the fact that a referral has been placed surely proves my point that parenting alone is not always the answer?

I agree to an extent Dino. We'd all do better at supporting our children if we had joined up help from the services that are meant to provide it, but sadly an awful lot of parents are left to their own devices at times when their children need professional help the most. As I'm sure you'll know, a referral doesn't necessarily mean support will follow - very often there's a cursory 'assessment' which concludes that no input is necessary, and we're sent on our way to make the best of it. I can't count the number of families I know who've had this experience, even where children have massive problems and need urgent support. The system is in a dreadful state.

OP you have made your mind up as you have swatted away every single suggestion or view other than home schooling.

So I suggest you now put your mind to making this the best experience you can for your ds and getting on with the practicalities of home schooling.

It wouldn't be what I or many would choose but it's your choice and you love and want the best for you son.

So stop the dilly dallying or caring what anyone else thinks and be the best home schooler you can!

Good luck

Thank you. I have explained they wouldn't work in this particular situation but it is kind of you to share.

This is why i wouldn't work with a parent who's not even prepared to try, and why I asked you whether you were committed to getting him back in school. i would always make it clear that there is no quick fix and that the parent has to be prepared to put some work in to get the result they want.

I agree thatsucks - best thing I ever did was take DS out of school. Was one of the happiest days of my (and, I suspect his!) life.

The feeling of absolute and utter relief. The feeling of freedom and empowerment.

I will say, the lack of support is unbelievable - do not expect the LEA to bother you... I didn't expect that!

But, seriously, go do it. Be happy! Let your child learn the way he can't at school. It's a wonderful wonderful feeling.

IAATAUI

have you spoken to school, LEA officer in charge of children with health needs (that includes emotional needs), GP and asked about referrals and what support they can offer? what therapy programmes could your DS access? what is on offer locally? do you have a possibility to get phone support form a child psychologist (my area has this service, very useful, you get 45 minutes on phone and all things discussed summarized in a letter after with suggestions for strategies)

have you got from the LEA the programme of tutor support on offer for children who cannot attend school for health reasons? how do they go about reintegration programmes for children who need them? you need to get that information in order to weigh up the options.

you can keep him on roll for the rest of this academic year while you explore home ed, get the support in place you can; and then take your time deciding if in September he stays on roll or is withdrawn completely for a home ed programme entirely run by you. how will you manage that with two small children as well? what support will you buy in? what is there available locally? what home ed groups run locally? some questions for you to consider.

I don't think it is abnormal to want to take away the cause of your child's lack of security, unhappiness and rapidly escalating distress.

But having poked around on Google based on info in Dino's posts, the issue might be a perfectly natural misdiagnosis of what is the cause.

In the sense that it would appear that it is far from unusual for a child who has suffered trauma due to parental marital breakdown to display heightened separation anxiety which manifests as avoidance of school, for obvious reasons.

In which case take away school, the child seemingly seems happier, but becuase just a symtom has been masked, the insecurities and unhappiness remain. Perhaps better hidden. But still there. With avoidance perhaps becoming entrenched in the formative years as a good coping stratagy.

So as I understand it, with the best of intentions the parent can inadvertently shut down the child's communication of mental distress over life events by providing a context that allows a masking effect. All while leaving the child with an unresolved issue in a context where there is no longer the pressure of an evident pressing need to seek extensive help in getting to the root of the child's pain..

In short, works great for the parent becuase they no longer have the guilt and the pain of a child in distress. But perhaps less well for the child who still has the issue, albeit masked, and is maybe learning avoidance as a good and approved strategy. Not that anybody is doing it on purpose for selfish reasons. But sometimes being a lay person and a parent is a handicap becuase we have to "feel" our way in a context where we aren't an objective participant and have little to no personal expertise to hand. Maybe at a time when we are at a low ebb and some avoidance of yet more strife doesn't look like a bad idea for ourselves either.

I am not having a pop. I don't think this is deliberate. I can entirely see why HE would come to mind as the best, the kindest and most loving solution. I'm not qualified to say if HE would be a mis-step in your specific case, let alone a huge mis-step. But given the stakes, I do think rather than falling into a very human trap of just cherry picking the supportive pro HE messages and running with it, given the rapid escalation and the florid nature of the distress displayed, it might be worth having a good old poke around yourself at the school refusal/separation anxiety information on line and seeing if anything strikes a chord. Before you make any firm decisions.

Good luck. You have been throught the mill. I hope you find a way forward for your family that makes the tomorrows a very different place from your yesterdays.

So how is DS today Turquoise?

Before I knew any kids who were homeschooled, I would have thought 'Oh gosh, is your child going to be socially maladjusted?'

Now I know some homeschooled children and they are the calmest, sanest, brightest, cutest, most creative kids I've ever met. They can talk to anyone - child or adult - and far from being maladjusted, they're absolutely brilliant, confident, lovely little people. So I'd now think 'Oh gosh, you are brave volunteering for so much work, but it will quite possibly be an amazing ride!'

Whatever I say charley you will use as a reason why I should force DS into school so are you interested or just wanting round 2 of how right you are and how wrong I am?

OP I asked this before but it may have got lost among all the other posts. How is the school recording his absence at the moment? Is he off sick or unauthorised, or what?