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Home ed

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Original poster

To ask what you think when you hear a child is home educated

684 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 15/03/2015 23:19

I suppose I am trying to gauge a range of opinions.

I am seriously - possibly definitely (definitely maybe?) going to be home schooling my 8 year old for a period of time.

I don't know why I'm worried; perhaps because it's so beyond the norm of what we have experienced before. I don't know anyone who home educates; I wasn't educated at home myself and I think I have known rather a lot of people who are very much of the view that school is all important. I've never particularly subscribed to that view but I've always wanted my children to have a 'normal' upbringing and going to school seems very much a part of that?

Does anyone have any views? As I'm going to possibly be de registering him tomorrow?

OP posts:
grovel · 16/03/2015 16:19

Jemima wasn't exactly the sharpest pencil in the box was she? Fell for the charm of the "foxy-whiskered gentleman" . Silly old thing.

TalkinPeace · 16/03/2015 16:22

Ignoring Jemima's behaviour, a little addendum to my earlier posts that might actually be of use to the OP.

One of the reasons for school is to allow children and parents to have a break from each other.
Another is to allow the children to be exposed to thoughts and views and opinions that challenge and supplement those they get at home.
Another is to give a child a perspective on their home life from a bit of a distance.
Another is to learn about subjects about which their parents have no knowledge or interest.

You are having a rough time.
Your son is having a rough time.
BUT
The school could work with you to give support and advice and links.
Signing him out of the school may not be good for either of you in the short or long term.

Hakluyt · 16/03/2015 16:24

She was probably home educated and therefore not socialised well enough to be street wise.................Grin her English comprehension was a bit lacking too- "I'll have you for dinner" didn't seem to ring any alarm bells at all.........

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 16/03/2015 16:25

Honestly I don't know how many times i can explain - I can't get DS in. He isn't being naughty, as such - just completely freezes/ panics

The school are a tiny rural primary - they don't have extensive pastoral resources; they do have issues with attendance and take a hard line.

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 16/03/2015 16:29

"
"Posh thickos" pales a bit before that..........

Oh thats OK then! Two wrongs make a right do they confused"

No I don't think they doat all. As I said, I wouldn't have said "posh thickos" - although it is the sort of thing that is said in the private school world to describe the intake of some schools......Grin. I was just disputing the statement that nobody ever says anything remotely unpleasant about state school kids- they do. Often. Both directly and indirectly.

Hakluyt · 16/03/2015 16:30

Sorry, wrong thread Blush

SallyMcgally · 16/03/2015 16:30

turquoise - you have explained very clearly. There will be people who just can't take on board what that means for you and your son, so I would take on board the advice from those who do - both advocating HE or not. But you would need a fair bit of help from whatever school he's in to make it work. If he's forced in, while feeling so frozen and panic-stricken he won't learn anything. He'll have a terrible time and so will you. There's a lot of well-considered and thoughtful advice here, despite all the other nonsense.
It's a really rough time for you both. Thanks

streakybacon · 16/03/2015 16:31

Consider this, jemima. When my son was in school, he was described by his HT as "the most aggressive child with Asperger's I've ever known", not least because she refused to allow her staff to support him. He was in such a state that he couldn't go to any social activities after school and we spent whole evenings trying to calm him down and find out what was wrong, before sending him back for more of the same the next day. His experience was horrific, and didn't get better when we switched schools. Some schools are extremely damaging to children and that's a fact. That you haven't experienced this doesn't make it less so.

He's now been He'd for six years and he's barely recognisable from that child. At 16 he has six A*s at IGCSE and two more subjects on the way this summer. He has an enviable CV because of all the volunteering, work experience and youth work he's involved in. He is well liked and admired by everyone he meets.

And you think I should have shoved him into school each day, where I knew he'd be harmed by bullying pupils and teaching staff that didn't care? Shame on you for even considering it.

SallyMcgally · 16/03/2015 16:37

Thank you so much for posting that streaky - gives some of the rest of us who feel forced into this situation hope. It's a lovely story and your son sounds wonderful.

loveandsmiles · 16/03/2015 16:37

I am tempted to HE.

Unfortunately the primary school my DCs go to is not great at teaching maths and English and don't stretch the children who are capable. My DD used to come home crying asking for more work(strange I know!). However, I do think school is important for the social interaction, learning to follow rules, get on with others etc.

We compromise by sending DCs to school and teaching them additional maths and English at home. My DD passed National 5 Maths (Scottish system) with an A (equivalent to GCSE) when she was 10 and will sit her Higher in May. As long as they want to learn we are happy to do the extra work with them.

My eldest DD is now at high school and the difference is huge - lots of different subjects taught by specialist teachers which is really challenging her - I don't think you could HE at secondary.

Good luck with whatever you choose - I know you have your son's best interests at heart x

ilovesooty · 16/03/2015 16:37

I think the poster who said jemima is best ignored was spot on.
She's been spewing this stuff out for several days.
Such difficulty with anger management is to be pitied really.

With regard to the original question I used to feel far more negative about HE before learning on here. Also I think the OP asked about people's perceptions of HE. She didn't invite judgement on her decision.

Evelight · 16/03/2015 16:38

Jemima's tone is unfortunate isn't it. I find myself horrified to think that I am probably in sympathy with her opinions...

But to use a more posh tone: I simply cannot imagine, in the schools I see now, what could actually happen as to make normal kids so averse to going (creative writing workshops in grade 2, yes please!! no multiplication tables until age 10, omg, can I go to school now?) For a child with documented medical needs, then yes, but even then, why would (untrained) parents necessarily be a better teacher for a child who has SN?

So my issue is, I guess, making HE part of the parents "agenda"- whatever that is.

CunningCat · 16/03/2015 16:38

Here is an article you may find interesting tourqouise, if you want your son to return to school at a later date.
www.kellybear.com/TeacherArticles/TeacherTip51.HTML
I see the appeal of HE, but both DP and I have to work.
I think you should do what you think is best for your son Flowers

NickiFury · 16/03/2015 16:39

Same school situation here streaky. A different from child almost to the day we took him out if school in year 3. I only regret letting it go on as long as I did.

ouryve · 16/03/2015 16:39

It depends on the parents and the reasons.

There's lots of good reasons for home educating and lots of good reasons why some parents should never do it.

streakybacon · 16/03/2015 16:46

I can honestly say that HE has been the hardest thing I have ever done - I have never worked so hard or been so exhausted, my leisure time is minimal, and I have spent a small fortune. Parent's agenda? Absolutely not. My aim (and that of the vast majority of home educators I know) is to give my child a decent start in life and to keep his mental health intact. I cannot stress strongly enough how much my son was damaged by two schools, and he was only NINE when I deregistered, and this partly on the advice of our GP who signed him off on grounds of 'extreme emotional distress'. Had I continued to send him to school I would have been complicit in the harm that was being done to him. Removing him was an act of child protection, saving him before he crumbled completely.

I totally understand that some of you can't see this. If your children are happy in school you will no doubt expect that school is the right environment for the majority of children. But please, please recognise the harm that can be done to those that just don't fit and the existence of schools and teachers that don't give the routine the support that's expected, SEN or not.

My son's story is far from unique. If any child is suffering from anxiety to a similar degree then they should be protected and cared for, not forced into an environment that is damaging them.

Charley50 · 16/03/2015 16:46

Turquoise, how are you responding immediately to your child being frozen and scared? I imagine cuddles and reassurance. But after that are you using language to let him know that everything will be OK at school and it's OK to do a naughty thing and get told off for a naughty thing; it means nothing beyond that?

I'm asking as his response is out of proportion to what actually happened at school, so as you have ascertained yourself it is a response mainly to events that have been happening at home.

I know I would struggle in your situation and if I felt unable to reassure my DS myself I would definitely be calling on professional support or even a book, someone mentioned a book about school phobia.

To me it seems that as these events and his response have happened so quickly they can be undone quickly too. I think homeschooling should be thought of as a last resort, not the best solution.

NickiFury · 16/03/2015 16:49

Do you have a child with SN Eve? It's not about a parent necessarily being a better teacher for every child with SN. I'm sure for some they are not. However when you have a child who regresses to being non verbal, who punches and scratches himself because he's such a "bad, naughty boy who is not good and clever like the others". Who is being restrained daily and coming home with cuts and bruises all over his face and body, who ended his school career being held face down on a desk having his head banged off it by a head teacher then I think it can be agreed that the parent of that particular child is a better teacher.

I wish that was a stand alone story but I know of many such similar stories. In fact there are 100's of us but the numbers aren't high enough to matter and if people are not directly affected they just don't care. Yet despite being so ill informed they still come onto threads like this making sweeping, ill informed judgements, calling people "weird" "nutters" and labelling our children rude and ill mannered.

ouryve · 16/03/2015 16:49

Jemima would you force a child into school, even if they were self harming, as a result, or ticcing constantly because they're stressed?

There has to be something really very wrong for a primary school aged child to not be able to face school.

Catsrus · 16/03/2015 16:53

There's lots of good reasons for home educating and lots of good reasons why some parents should never do it.
^^
this

As I said up thread I did it for 6 months, I have no regrets about those six months because we all learned a lot, but it was not the right long term solution for us as a family. years later I supported a neighbour who HE'd her son and it was absolutely the right thing for him for the 3-4 years he was out (secondary). I pointed him in the right direction, recommended resources, set him tasks and he got on with it and he went back into school well able to tackle GCSEs. All parents have the responsibility to educate their children, either by sending them to school or otherwise (1944 education act). If a parent can see that going to school is damaging to their child then they have a responsibility to look for alternatives. HE might be exactly right for the OPs ds, it is worth a try.

unluckycat · 16/03/2015 16:53

I home educate and it's lovely. People's views on it are quite funny.

My experience has been one of more socialising opportunities than we could ever possibly manage and meeting a huge range of people, more so than in many schools *cough, middle class tiny catchment schools/strict entry requirement churchy schools...

Mumsnet is not the ideal place to look for help and support, but there's a huge amount of it out there. As long as you don't hate your children and are not going to obsessively try to recreate school at home (and then get disheartened when it turns out children don't actually enjoy their mum morphing into a teacher) it's pretty easy :)

UndecidedNow · 16/03/2015 16:54

I would also add the child who never says a word at school and looks like an angel but is in some much stress because of school that he constantly lashes out at home and started to self harm too.
But because the school doesn't see it a problem (the child is quiet), the child doesn't talk, then there is no problem and no possible solution as 'they can't possibly sort out what is causing him stress' (told to me by one teacher).

And I'm not talking about SN here. MH issues also affect children unfortunatly :(:(

GratefulHead · 16/03/2015 16:56

Eve, as the parent of a child with autism I am very in favour of school. What I won't accept is my child suffering for 5 years and coming out with his emotional health shot to pieces. Schools can be poor places for children on the spectrum. They can also be amazing places if the support given is effective.

I do not think I could do better at teaching than a qualified teacher. I do think my son might learn better in a smaller environment but apparently these don't exist for autistic children....unless of course you can afford to pay for a private special school. Standard special schools are few and far between.

unluckycat · 16/03/2015 16:57

My reason is just that I can and we all love it so why not. No ulterior brainwashing motives. We did try school, and there was no bullying or anything, I suppose it went as well as school can, but I'm surprised that so many people feel sorry for home ed kids that miss out on it, it wasn't anything special and it is never missed.

ouryve · 16/03/2015 16:57

Eve one of my kids with SN couldn't even go into his classroom at his mainstream school. He's known his times tables inside out for as long as I can remember. It's not necessarily the work that's the issue.

He's now doing well at a lovely specialist school in a class of 5. He's able to stay in his class of 5, instead of hide in a quiet corner of the school on his own with a TA who struggles to do maths to the same level as him. While fighting for this very hard to get place, it was constantly in the back of my mind that, if this didn't work out, then all we had left was some form of HE. DS1 and I get on a lot better if we have a regular break from each other, so it was very much on my agenda for HE to be a last resort.