To ask what you think when you hear a child is home educated

[turquoiseamethyst]

I suppose I am trying to gauge a range of opinions.

I am seriously - possibly definitely (definitely maybe?) going to be home schooling my 8 year old for a period of time.

I don't know why I'm worried; perhaps because it's so beyond the norm of what we have experienced before. I don't know anyone who home educates; I wasn't educated at home myself and I think I have known rather a lot of people who are very much of the view that school is all important. I've never particularly subscribed to that view but I've always wanted my children to have a 'normal' upbringing and going to school seems very much a part of that?

Does anyone have any views? As I'm going to possibly be de registering him tomorrow?

It don't think this is a HE issue, the OP herself has said that HE is not a long term goal.

OP, you are understandably under a lot of pressure, it comes across in every thread that you join. That is not a criticism, you have been through an awful lot. This seems to have spiralled out of control very quickly from telling a TA to shut up. Again quite understandable that your little boy would lash out when facing such emotional uncertainty at home ( again not a criticism if you, all of us would struggle to cope when moving on from an abusive relationship)

Your DS is exercising control buy not going into school and ideally the school will enable him to go back to school feeling in control whether this is a reduced timetable or opting out of things. I suspect that right now your DS needs the structure and normality of school and you need time on your own to start rebuilding your life.

All I can explain is that I can't get him in without using force.

Philoslothy - I agree with everything you have said. I also think that by making a rash decision to pull her son out of school, OP is also trying to regain control.

When faced with a child who won't go to school, the OP is not the one in control. To reframe this same behaviour as "taking my child out of school" means absolutely nothing has changed, but the OP gets to feel in control again.

Utterly understandable under the circumstances, but it doesn't provide the most calm and measured basis for deciding to de-register a child from school.

Practically how are you going to cope with ds and two babies at home all day?

No-one is saying take him in using force are they? Just keep him off for a bit, but make it clear it's not forever, just while you get help. You won't be fined for sickness.

Haven't read the whole thread but my first thought would be 'Do you live near me?!" We home ed our 3 DCs, or rather our youngest 2 as DS1 is now at sixth form and doing very well. We weren't sure how he would cope as he struggles being around people a lot (some SEN) but he is happy and achieving and has made a few friends.

OP, in your circumstances, it sounds like your DS could do with a break from the busy atmosphere of school and the pressure that inevitably happens in school. He can work at his own pace and follow his own interests. If and when he is ready to go back into school, I'm sure he would let you know.

And for what it's worth, talkinpeace, I have regularly been complemented on how well-behaved my DCs are (I wouldn't say I agree with that when they are bickering instead of doing the washing up or leaving their rooms in a mess!) and we are not nutters, just doing what we think is best for our kids.

the bottom line is if he felt Good in school, he would feel good in school, he doesnt.

he needs an environment that suits him.

Couod any of these strategies help school become more manageable for him?
www.nasponline.org/families/schoolrefusal.pdf

Google school phobia for some other ideas - there might be some simple ideas like being allowed to spend breaktime in the library, or the teacher agreeing not to pick him to answer questions, that might make school less stressed/scary. I think Frecklefeatures has a good point that school can be a rock for a child when everything else is changing and if youcan get to the bottom of why school seems unbearable now, when it didn't previously, it might be something that can be fixed.

My DS is not much of a talker and he often presents me with his conclusion "I will never ever go to the park again, I hate it" without telling me he is basing that on something really inane and random like the fact that there was no ice cream van there last time. If he'd told me it was really about the ice cream we could have sorted it out and saved an hour of tantrum. But he just said he hated the park which gave me no 'in' to address the problem other than his predefined solution of staying in and playing on the ipad!

It was a bit more than 'I hate school'.

I won't be coping with 2 babies and ds; dd2 is due end of july. He'd be off for summer anyway.

The OP has had quite a bit of grief from posters calling her a 'troll', making an assumption that she is just suddenly deciding to do this on a Sunday night whim etc. Those are the posts I find quite rude. The OP comes over as someone who is reflecting and thinking really hard about all aspects of her son's situation, not just the HE part.

As an immigrant from a third world country now living in Canada my thoughts on HE, when I first heard of it, was that it is typical first world problem- like anti-vaxxers. tbh I was actually shocked that people could legally do that.

Now I know more about public schools etc, and I can see in certain situations it would be reasonable (like what others have mentioned, SE etc), but on the whole I have found public school staff here very open, very willing to accommodate children, minimum homework- certainly I wouldn't consider the fact of DS not wanting to go to school as a serious reason to not send him.

DS says he doesn't want to go to school every.single.morning. If he was having panic attacks etc at the thought of going to school, I would talk with the teachers, (in fact we did put him in a supplemental reading program a couple of years back- helped enormously), and help him work through it. We've also tutored him in maths at home, but we would never, ever have considered him staying at home simply because he didn't like school.

Teachers are highly trained, licensed professionals. What makes you think you could replicate their services at home?

Is it possible to get him medicaly excused for a time period, and during that time, he does his schoolwork at home? With HE type assignments to make up for group activities he is misding? Sort of splitting the difference until he feels more settled and whatever therapies and support he is getting seem to be having an affect?

Currently, do the days he is at home include anything like homeschooling activities? That includes both the fun things like arts and crafts and the dull things like practicing writing and math pages. i do understand that school distresses him, but on the other hand, is being home like being a pre-schooler, or like being a school aged child, with structure and expectations?

what Momagain1 said. yes it is - tehre is statutory guidance on helping children who cannot attend school due to ehalth reaons (and emotional/school refusal whatever you want to call it is a health reason) you can get GP and CAMHS involved and you can agree with school he will be at home doing school work which they send. he then gets authorized absence for medical reasons. also by keeping him on roll it allows you to engage with LEA and get any support they can offer, whether its home tutor five hours by week or access to a small group.

by keeping him on roll you stand a chance of getting more support from LEA not less.

in meantime, investigate home ed networks near you and see if that is a practical and real possibility, given that you will also have a baby and toddler to look after.

whether you home ed or keep him on roll at school but have him at home until such time he can reintegrate, you need to access any kind of talking therapy/art therapy/music therapy/play therapy/family therapy that is on offer. at 8 it's a much more sensitive age than for example a younger child for being impacted by a separation especially if there has been an abusive situation and he may well have confusion over his dad - is he a good or bad person? i like/love him but mum does not/ maybe things he has seen etc.

when i left ex (abussive. severe MH, aggression etc) , one dd was 8 and she was v traumatized by what she witnessed; younger dd was 5 and less impacted at that time but but was more traumatized later on when things fell apart during contact due to ex's severe mh issues and behaviour. family therapist helped at that point. (she did not want ex there so he didnt get to go to any sessions)

OP, I think good for you.

I know a lot of HErs and back in the day as a solicitor, represented a lot.

TBH, I'm always gobsmacked by the number of parents prepared to send their DC somewhere they know is making them unhappy and where they know they are not thriving. But hey ho.

I also think that if you want your DS to reconsider school in the long term, the very best way is to take the current pressure off. If you were phobic about flying, you'd get help, but you wouldn't be forced to do a cross atlantic flight every day while you were getting help.

The Queen
Caitlin Moran
American fundamentalist Christians
Hippies

Why? A month is a long time for a young child. If he is off until after Easter that's 5 weeks off. If he's off until September that's around 4 months off school. Of course he shouldn't be doing NOTHING for a third of a year. A PP made the point about getting school phobia, anxiety and agrophobia etc. What do you think about people's suggestions that you seek help, from school, CAMS etc with this? I haven't read the whole thread.

Sorry I think I posted that before and thread has moved on...

I always think they're some hippy type christians as I knew a girl in college that was home ed and her father the type of vicar that brought his guitar to church.
She was very nice and very different and got married at 16 which I thought at the time was extraordinary. (I was 19)

@The Word factory: well my DS would be much happier if I left him playing minecraft 8 hrs a day. Sorry, not gonna happen. I'm not saying that is what OP will do- just that you need to strike a balance between the short-term ease and happiness and long-term benefit to a child.

Also I find myself wondering whether homeschooling OP's child may be seen as a divorce-guilt present to the child. The decision to keep the child at home seems very closely linked to the marriage break-up. Which is unfortunate.

Something I noticed about my own kids is that they are grumpy and whine the moment they set eyes on me, but when they are with others, they behave like model trains. I have this distinct memory of picking up DD from daycare. She was seated with a group of kids, laughing and playing. The moment she saw me, her mouth formed into that dreaded square shape, and by the time we walked out, she was in full-on cry mode.

Christ alive, when did children start getting the right to decide if they "want" to go to school or not if they "don't like it"? Fuck no. What the HELL happened to discipline? Telling your kids that life isn't fair and we all have to do things we don't like sometimes? Take your damn kids to school! If you have to force them, then bloody well force them! You're the parents. This "school refusal" stuff is utter bollocks. So, they refuse. Who's the adult, exactly? The kid is 8, not a strapping 17 year old. Pick him up, physically put him in the damn car, and take him to school.

What are they going to do when they grow up? "Decide" they don't like work and refuse to go? Live off the state all their lives?

I think the attitude of people who HE in this manner is bloody disgraceful. Pathetic. Pandering to demanding children's whims, letting their children walk all over them with no discipline, and we wonder why there's an antisocial behaviour issue in this country.

Eve, I think our views on this are very different.

Unless there's a very specific reason, I find it a bit strange. As other posters have said, school isn't just about learning to read and write and do calculations. It's about learning to mix with other children, accept authority figures other than your parents, fight some minor battles of your own, make friends, build a little life of your own away from home etc.

I hope it is going well for you today and that you are close to deciding whether to H.ed.
I think you have received some positive posts along with the negative ones and hope that any fears you may have had have been put aside y the experienced H.ed parents here.
They are a lovely bunch and quite often about if you need support.
FWIW, I don't think you do have much choice, but that doesn't mean coming into H.ed from a negative pov, there are lots of positives that you will identify along the way.
We found some that had no relevance to the decision to H.ed, they were just an added positive.

Jemma I find it ironic that you have posted a message filled with rage and aggression then indignantly stated HE is the source of anti social behaviour, but hey ho.

I'm not physically manhandling my child. End of.