To ask what you think when you hear a child is home educated

[turquoiseamethyst]

I suppose I am trying to gauge a range of opinions.

I am seriously - possibly definitely (definitely maybe?) going to be home schooling my 8 year old for a period of time.

I don't know why I'm worried; perhaps because it's so beyond the norm of what we have experienced before. I don't know anyone who home educates; I wasn't educated at home myself and I think I have known rather a lot of people who are very much of the view that school is all important. I've never particularly subscribed to that view but I've always wanted my children to have a 'normal' upbringing and going to school seems very much a part of that?

Does anyone have any views? As I'm going to possibly be de registering him tomorrow?

So you would do that? You would make him go in - drag him, shove him, pull him, strike him?

You seem to be ramping this up to the most extreme edge of possibility.

There is a such as thing as sympathetic jollying along.

Or empathetic, loving but firm, "I know you don't want to, and I understand it, but you still have to do it and I'll be here for you every step of the way".

If you do not have the right tools to bring this specific child to a place of doing what he doesn't want to do, life in general and HE specifically could end up being a tough parental row to hoe.

If you join HE groups to give him and yourself connections, he may well be exposed to families where learning, or anything at all, is done solely if the child wishes it so. Sometimes that has to be factored in as a potential influence that can complicate matters for a parent. It's not just the kid that can be influenced either. Where coercion is redefined as having even secret, non vocalised ideas about what you'd like you child to learning/doing/achieving..... it can impact people who are already quite conflict/"getting kid to do what they don't want to do" averse.

When you are teaching him yourself, and he is aware that all that stands between him doing what he likes and having to struggle with long division is to down tools and watch you flounder, your best flounder impression may well be on the cards.

You want him back is school, so I presume you want him to keep his skills aquisition up to date ? In HE you are the only person that can make that happen, and you are potentially bedding it down on a foundation of him believing that if he doesn't feel ready for the ball proffered, he can refuse to kick and you may not have the tools to get him to just get on with things. Or even go back to school eventually,

One of the things perhaps less often discussed in HE is the degree to which it shifts conflict into the parental/child relationship. Becuase suddenly there is nobody else doing the heavey lifting motivation-wise between your kid and the stuff you want him/her to learn, or know how to do.

Where there is a notable reticence to manage a conflict between parental and small person wants, and a tendency to assume the parental tactics will have to become heavey handed to be successful... IME that is when the path of least resistance tends to be the new route on the table.

Which can mean a parent's original vision of how long HE would be for, and what form it would be in, is jettisoned.

I am not saying that is 100% your future in HE. But I think it might be worth thinking about the extent to which perhaps you are under tooled in a "getting kid to do what he strongly doesn't want to do" context. You'll likely need a greater range of tools between the feather and the hammer. An awful lot of people start HE with quite a rosy idea of sitting around the kitchen table being joyful(ish) about fractions. Quite a lot of those people get a rude intrusion into the daydream when a kid hones their evasion tatics and appears to be secretly working on a PHD in Winding Parent Up With Mega Procrastination and Tearful Flopping of the Oh This Is Just So Unfair Kind.

I would suspect that the child will end up less well educated, with fewer options in terms of university and jobs.
And less savvy about dealing with everyday situations involving other people.
And feeling that they had missed out on an important life experience shared by almost everyone else.
How can a parent teach a full range of GCSEs as well as it is taught at school? The child will probably do a far smaller range of them and do less well.
You would have to get on with your child really really well, and be very focused. I bet that lots of HE parents slacken off.
Why not spend all that time on a job, and use that money to find exactly the right school for your child in the private sector if the state sector doesn't work for you - eg small classes.

I'm a Primary Teacher, and can understand parents wishing to homeschool in certain circumstances (particularly SEN). In your case, I worry that you are both quite traumatised by the separation and want to stay at home together where you can 'grieve'/feel safer.

For children going through a separation, school is often the most stable aspect in their lives, and can help them get through it. They know school stays the same no matter how disordered home is. I also think it's a bad idea letting an 8 year - old have this much control and likely to make him less secure, not more.

On top of all this change, you're also planning to move house after summer, and he'll have a new sibling, at which point you'll stop homeschooling? That's a lot for him to deal with.

Yes, I would 'make' him go to school, he's 8 and he needs to not feel responsible, he needs to know you're in charge. School are aware and will help him get through this/keep an eye on him. Also pursue counselling. You both have my sympathy, I really feel for you.

I would think the parents have fixed views - religious, moral, political - that they think are superior and therefore they wish their children to learn only what they deem suitable and not be exposed to views and learning experiences in mainstream education which don't correspond with the parent's views. I view it as a lifestyle choice rather than purely educational. I'd also be concerned about creating an "otherness" or isolation and that it required a degree of commitment and organisation that I could ever contemplate.

That's probably pretty harsh and I bet there are very inspirational home ed-ers out there, especially so if their child had un-met SEN. However, if a had a DC with high anxiety about going to school I think I'd be working with the school and child mental health services first.

Sunny, it's possible that he dresses that way through choice. Maybe he is AS and his mum HE's him so he doesn't get bullied or ridiculed for being so different. same with the children Pantone mentioned. People often resort to HE when it's perfectly clear their DC don't and might never fit in the mainstream. Some children are born mini adults and have no desire to fit with their peers. It's not necessarily parents foisting these behaviours onto their DC, they may just be catering for their DC better than a mainstream school, if their Dc aren't and never will be mainstream themselves.

Vicarscat

From what I have seen and read you couldn't be further from the truth.
Many H.ed children have the whole spectrum of GCSE's to choose from, unlike those who attend school who are virtually told the very restricted choice they have for GCSE's. They can target their future career far better than they can at school.
Those who have received a H.education from the outset will be very experienced in self directed learning and able to follow the spec themselves, having not been spoon fed to reach pre determined levels and ability as schools are compelled to do.
H.ed children don't live in a bubble and many experience exactly the same as schooled children, I can't see what you think they miss out on, could you clarify?
I think the focus comes from the child as they are likely to be choosing what they study because they have an interest in the subject.
Finally, most H.ed parents don't "Teach" in the traditional way a school teacher might, it isn't necessary and can be counter productive to the childs learning.
I see my role more as a TA who is able to guide, support and encourage.

yeh it is possible I suppose, just possible.
No he is not 'AS' he has never been to school because his parents do not want him to. So yes I do think it is parents 'foisting' behaviours onto children.

Oh dear me, some of the ignorance on this thread is making my head hurt!

1. CAMHS. Thank you for the laugh about getting an urgent referral to CAMHS. My son has had an urgent referral, done at the end of January. He has been off school with severe anxiety since last November. Has he been seen yet? No he bloody hasn't. Is he getting ANY treatment from ANYONE? No he bloody isn't. Are we getting any professional support? No we bloody aren't.

1. 'Force the child to get up and go to school, it's just bad parenting.' Have you had a child with depression/anxiety? No? Then thank your lucky stars because it is HEART BREAKING. How on earth can a person with zero experience judge? Seriously, just fuck the fuck off.

1. Not all children learn the same way. Schools only have so much funding and x number of staff. If your child is the one that is the square peg in the round hole they will struggle, they will be miserable and they will be utterly de motivated.

turquoise I am in a very similar position but for my DS it has been a long running problem, and his anxiety is linked to poss ASD so he does have SEN. But the lack of help for children like this, the lack of suitable places, is just an absolute disgrace and that is why so many parents of ASD kids in particular HE.

I am going down the route of working with the school/LA and applying for EHCP assessment. In the meantime, ds is home. God only knows when he'll make it back.

I am not a religious nut. I am not a vegetarian, I am not unsociable. I am not smoking fags all day watching Jeremy Kyle. I just refuse to destroy my ds mental health.

The poster who mentioned about conflict in the parent child relationship should be listened too.

I dont he but i have had to support 2 dyslexic dc in learning to read, much more support and facilitation than is usually required by a parent for this process. It does introduce conflict. The dc understandably did not want to do it as it was beyond hard and difficult for them at the time. I resented that this conflict was introduced into the relationship.

But i had the luxury of being able to hand back to the school and only having to support the school whilst giving dc a sanctuary from the stress is learning at home. You wont have that luxury. So now ds can blame school. Once you he then his focus will be on you.

Thats a lot of negative emotion to manage op.

Fwiw i dont see what the issue is with him having a shit morning and going into a therapist to tell them he's had a shit morning. Therapists arent generally involved if its all rosy are they?

They can however start to unpick what it is that is bad and work from their.

Are you worried that ds is going to reflect badly on you?

We home educated DS for most of year 8. Am sure we were judged for it, but we also received great support. It was right for us, and I'm afraid I had little patience with critics.

DS was bullied, school wouldnt see it or do anything about it. As a result DS' education was affected, his mental health poor, his self esteem low and his behaviour abominable, which affected his relationship with us. We couldn't carry on like that.

We considered a change of school, but felt that at that time DS would struggle with that change too. So we went for HE and yes it was hard work. Of course we worried that we weren't doing enough, and we were anxious about his social skills. But we got our DS back. His mental health and behaviour improved quickly, and our relationship with him got better too.

We didn't seek counselling, but would have done so had his health not improved. I felt strongly that while his education was desperately important, his mental health had to come first.

Like the example above, he went to scouts, then ATC and attended twice weekly maths and English classes. He was by no means socially isolated. Eventualy he himself felt ready to go back to school and we were able to start him in a new school at the start of year 9 where he went on to get good GCSE's.

My point is that for us, prioritising his mental health was the right thing to do. And what other people thought had no bearing on that.

Whatever you decide, good luck. I hope it works out for you

I would think the parents have an agenda (probably religious) or the child has had problems with bullying. I know that this is probably wrong in many cases, but that's what I'd think.
I don't believe that homeschooling is beneficial for most children, unless the parents are part of a network of homeschoolers, where the child regularly spends time with other children of their own age.

As an aside from the h.e, you mentioned up thread that you're also moving to another part of the country and you are 5 months pregnant - how much upheaval do you want your ds to go through!?

Having just got through the small baby sleep deprived stage myself, I know I couldn't have taught anybody when I barely had time to wash or even have a cup of tea without baby needing me.

I understand you can't drag your son to school but I really think you need to work with them to try and resolve this - your ds sounds like he has been through a lot with even more change to come - school needs to be a constant. You really don't want him to start thinking he's in charge, you are the parent, you should sit down with school and work out a plan.

No, we aren't moving to the other side of the country.

We are moving about 10 miles north of the county.

Yes, I know about small babies - my daughter isn't even 1 yet.

I have tried, for the person who said so upthread, gentle persuasion and got nowhere. I know some people evidently have different setups but this is easier for everyone.

Haven't time to read the whole thread but quite frankly I am shocked at some of the hostility on here.

Please do not feel sorry for my three grandchildren as they are having the most amazing life with wonderful, supportive parents.

My daughter is doing something I would have loved to do and yes, I am a trained teacher.

How can you compare classes of 20, 30 children or more to groups of 5 to 10 children at most with access to four of five adults when groups of home edders meet.

The majority of the mums don't do formal lessons. Children learn through play, being creative and through their natural curiosity.

My ten year old learnt himself to read because he wanted to. He realised at the young age of under five that if he wanted to find out more about anything then being able to read was the key.

There is nothing untoward going on, authorities are welcome at any time to see for themselves just how bright, creative and imaginative these children are.

Why are people so quick to hang, draw and quarter on here someone who dares to be different. Were we meant just to be clones of one another. We already have non Christian faith schools, home edding is just something else.

Home educating can be really rewarding but its not always an easy option. There's the loss of a really good salary for one thing. Trips to museums etc all cost even just in petrol. There's books to be bought, art / creative equipment etc

Should the children decide they want to attend school and many do that is always an option. That's the beauty about it nothing is set in stone

Dowser I think it is that sense of flexibility and that nothing is set in stone that is so lovely - it just allows us all to breathe!

I've not read the whole thread...

I'd think you place very little value on your time. I'd assume someone that competent and confident would be capable of earning 40K-100K a year, and was choosing not to, in order to get a result that in most cases would probably not be much better than what a school would achieve.

Even if you'd won the lottery and didn't need the money from working, I'd think you were mad. Interacting with children for several hours a day, even my own that I loved, would be my idea of hell. (In fact the same would be true of adults, I'd much rather interact with a computer screen.)

Haven't RTFT

My opinion is what ever suits you and your dc. I have only recently met someone who HE (I had the same opinion before I knew them btw)

From talking to HE parent, it's not solitary at all as many HE parents get together to study and educational trips out they also do lots of clubs so mix and socialise there too.

I don't understand why people would judge you on it. Everyone is different. I caught a glimse of a poster saying it makes them think of lentil eating hippys (or something like that) but why is that a an issue? So what? Can people not have different life styles? I have friends from all different walks of life. Doesn't make any of them a lesser person.

OP I think if it's something you want to try, then do as much rl research locally as you can. Then do It. Asking mn was probably a bad idea. There are too many people on here with a narrow minds who can't think outside of there own small world.

How long has your DS had issues with school, OP? It's only been a couple of weeks, has it?

With a baby under 1 and being five months pregnant, how would it work on a practical basis?

Good lord, what a lot of stereotypical assumptions about HE on this thread!

When I meet a home educator I am delighted for them and tell them so, then I ask how long they've been doing it and discuss their network, with suggestions for things they may not yet have come across. Because the HE network is so vast they don't always know what's going on, the amount of groups and activities and social meets they could be accessing. I am pleased for them and I try to help them expand further, as is the case for most of the other home educators I know.

My experience (we're in our seventh year now) is of wonderful families, well-balanced, fun, practical, broad-thinking and interesting people who have their children's needs at the forefront of their priorities. The children are mostly very well adjusted - there are a few who take a while to mature but that's not the norm. I'd also argue there are quite a few school educated children who match the same description, and quite a few odd and freaky parents, too.

Socially, the children I know fly. They don't spend their days with the same groups of people as they would in schools and they have opportunities to pursue interests in depth. There's much more time for special interests (like others have mentioned, eg music) and excel. My son, who has autism and adhd, was a gibbering, violent wreck when I deregistered him all those years ago but he's had the chance to work on his difficulties in a range of environments to the point where few people now doubt his diagnoses, because he fits in so well everywhere he goes.

I'm almost amused at the posters here who are advising 'professional help', 'urgent CAMHS referral' (ha!), 'talk to the school' with the expectation that these people will always give the appropriate advice and support. It doesn't always happen, some of the professionals I've encountered have been downright inept, and indeed in the current financial climate it's harder than ever to get the support your child needs because it all costs money.

HE isn't the answer for everyone but it can be life-saving for some. Some children just aren't school-shaped and few schools can meet the needs of every child. HE allows you to tailor your child's education to their needs and most thrive from it.

I think you're doing exactly the right thing, Turquoise. My ds is growing in confidence since he came out of school again in February. He is just starting to play, smile and engage with us again.

School is not a preparation for life, it's nothing like real life. Your son will be fine.

"I'm almost amused at the posters here who are advising 'professional help', 'urgent CAMHS referral' (ha!), 'talk to the school' with the expectation that these people will always give the appropriate advice and support."

I know that is insane tbh

I've got a toddler and a baby at home too and it works just fine.

I don't see why having a toddler makes any difference to be honest.

We're not religious, we're really, really, frighteningly normal . We home ed with a group of around 50 other families (12 of whom are teachers or the partner of a teacher!). It's incredibly social, the kids see their bunch of friends nearly every day at sports club, music club, language club etc. We have access to science labs, arts studios etc. The children go on study visits in big groups most weeks, and generally have a ball and really enjoy learning.

It's not sitting at a table and not letting the children see the outside world…it's the exact opposite! We keep pace with Key Stage learning, so the children can enter school if they want to at some point, but other than that, we're free to pursue lots of activities and open doors to interesting things and places.

I can't remember what my views on home ed were before we did it, but I suspect I would make some of the above comments just out of ignorance and not knowing how things work for many families.

My children are young and exams are years away yet, and that may cause a sea-change in our thinking. For youngsters, Free Range learning can be an alternative to school, with the right resources, support and friends.

Without those things, we would have been reluctant to try it.

I would be exploring ways of getting him to school that don't necessarily involve dragging him there.

I can't believe he has only been refusing school for a week and you have the knee jerk reaction of removing him from school!

Completely bizarre, but you are so sure you are doing the right thing - why bother asking for opinions?

What if you take him out of school and he still refuses to allow you to educate him and he falls behind?

Sounds to me like you haven't thought this through and planned it properly at all.

Poor kid.