Am I unreasonable question.. boys trip abroad

[19Notts32]

My partner has turned round and told me a couple of weeks ago he is going away for 4 nights to New York with a friend. I feel insanely upset that he wants to be that far away from our 4 young kids who are 2 6 8 and 11 not to mention I am so worried about his safety. It comes from not having a big family network around if something happens to him and having to put up with a lot of clearing off abroad before we had kids. I kinda thought those days were done. He has experienced the loss of family members in last couple of years so thinking that may be a contributing factor. His mate has been absolutely relentless about going too not caring that I have said outright im not comfortable. Am I being unreasonable? I just couldn't be that far from our babies for that long and I dont understand him. I feel almost embarrassed it prob sounds insane.

It seems fine, book yourself a few days somewhere you would enjoy, your kids will be fine with their father.

Do you have financial independence/own your own house? (Four kids and unmarried would leave you very vulnerable)

I would be unhappy about the cost a time more than the distance - for us this would involve sacrificing a family holiday or similar which I wouldn’t be happy about, plus going away would put extra pressure on me with job and kids etc. I don’t think the distance would bother me as much - would you concerned if he was in London or similar? Is it a built up city issue? I can see he wouldn’t be happy with just being told no because YOU wouldn’t want to. Or is it more he is going with a friend? You said you hoped those days were ‘done’ - does he have form?

I think yes YABU, especially for your reasons.

Why would he stop having trips with friends? We have kids, we each go away with friends once every 18 months or so, it's great. Our identities aren't solely as parents.

What exactly about his safety are you worried about?

I'm away for 4 nights this year with friends in Spain, I can't wait.

YABU and really over the top. It’s a 4 day holiday, this is a normal thing to do

It's 4 days - your kids will barely notice he's gone, OP! And it's very healthy for all parents to have a bit of time to themselves, where they can be themselves and not just Mum or Dad.

Let him just enjoy his trip, he'll be absolutely fine, and then plan something that's a treat for you.

YABU. It's only 4 days. If you're that jealous, make sure you go on a short break yourself with your friends.

You’re unreasonable for saying he can’t go because you’re worried about his safety etc. it’s New York not Iraq. You can’t emotionally blackmail someone like that and make them feel that they can’t do things in life, it’s suffocating.

That being said I don’t know what your finances are like and if this is something that isn’t a sensible idea in that sense.

Also you should be able to book something that costs the same/is the same amount of time away and it not be an issue.

YABVU. Just cause you don’t want a break away from them doesn’t mean you can control him and try and guilt him in to not going.

go somewhere yourself with friends you’ll love it

YABU. What if he had to go away for work?

It’s fine so long as you’re allowed, and have the funds, to do the same?

Are/do you?

This

The distance wouldn't bother me. Not checking with me first because of childcare and finances would.

The cost isn't such a thing as he does do stuff with us. We dont have much family hes pretty much all the kids and I have and it scares me him getting on a plane and being that far away. I know it sounds crazy if it was 4 days in London I wouldn't bat eyelid I just feel so worried

His friend gets stupid drunk historically but does these trips with others more. He has 5 kids 2 of which are grown up and appears to have matured slightly over the last few years. Not form as such but really disappointmented me many years ago when he went away for 3 weeks and came back with photos of girls.

Oh yes that wouldn't cross his mind to ask me first or think logistics.

There is funds and I've never got more than a night down half an hour down the road as a break. If someone asked me to go far away for 5 nights much as I'd want to I would want to be that far from kids. Maybe im just weird for feeling like that😬

Sorry not on here much getting used to reply. He wouldn't run it past me first. It was how he billed it me "great news IM going on a jolly!

They are not babies. Try to move on and let him have his time to enjoy himself. I’m leaving the kids to do a yoga holiday in Ibiza this summer 🤗

I think he should go for longer! 4 days will fly by. YABU and ridiculous

I feel like this is different i know it soubds crazy and I prob would still worry just as much if it was work. But you are right if it was work I would have to suck it up x

It's not healthy to have a boyfriend be 'all' that you and your kids have, or to not live your life as anything other than a parent.

Cultivate hobbies, holidays and friendships, it'll be better for you and your kids.

Im sorry you think it's ridiculous I came on here to seek honest advice and taking it on board even if it's tough love but feel very emotional and upset atm and struggling

It’s not weird to not want to go - but also not weird to want to have a break, just different feelings. I know DH would have left the kids with GPs well before I would!! If cost is not a problem maybe have a conversation with him about what makes you uneasy - with an idea of what they have planned you may feel happier?

I do see friends and have interests ad we do our own thing. He's going away this weekend all weekend with Scouts and I am all for that. I just dont understand clearing off over the other side of the world to hang out with his mate at great expense. When I say hes my all I dont support with kids other than him.

Do you think women have more of an attachment? Obviously not trying to stereotype but my friend said she thinks loads of men would jump on holiday without wife and kids!