Am I unreasonable question.. boys trip abroad

[19Notts32]

My partner has turned round and told me a couple of weeks ago he is going away for 4 nights to New York with a friend. I feel insanely upset that he wants to be that far away from our 4 young kids who are 2 6 8 and 11 not to mention I am so worried about his safety. It comes from not having a big family network around if something happens to him and having to put up with a lot of clearing off abroad before we had kids. I kinda thought those days were done. He has experienced the loss of family members in last couple of years so thinking that may be a contributing factor. His mate has been absolutely relentless about going too not caring that I have said outright im not comfortable. Am I being unreasonable? I just couldn't be that far from our babies for that long and I dont understand him. I feel almost embarrassed it prob sounds insane.

And do you go abroad on these trips? I guess there's often one parent who finds it harder x

And do you go abroad on these trips? I guess there's often one parent who finds it harder x

Why is she vulnerable because she's not married?

I think you are being unreasonable. 4 nights is nothing. Both of us had gone away for much longer when our kids were much younger - from 6mos on. This isn’t a woman vs man thing. This is you being overly anxious.

He will be fine, you do have life insurance and are married right? Make sure he gets travel insurance in case he does end up in the ER drunk and bleeding.

Have him video call the kids to read a bedtime story and say good night (the time difference will mean it will be just after lunch for him).

Editng to add, make sure he knows he HAS to bring back a little present for each child from NYC

Obviously I meant only if she is not financially independent, and does not own the house. Because it would mean she's dependent on a boyfriend for housing and has zero legal protection for anything.(Not just OP, I mean in general)

(Plenty of people choose to stay legally single to safeguard their assets, property, pension, etc. which is a good idea)

If I had 4 kids then 4 day break in New York would be great - a bit of me time without asking for outrageous amount of time away. (I have 3 dc and didn’t go far when they were young because funds wouldn’t allow - I did 5 days in Lanzarote when they were 11-14).

I’m afraid I don’t really share your distance concerns, but then I’ve done wing walking and a parachute jump while dc were primary age so maybe we have didn’t approaches to risk.

If there is money there for both if you to take a 4 day break somewhere fabulous then do it.

Get a couple of friends together and plan a trip. It's easier to go with friends and leave your partner with the kids. Most people I know do this.

If he was getting a break at the expense of the family holiday that would be different.

You sound over anxious about flying and cities. It will honestly be fine!

A shorter break for you might be a spa trip or you could hire a cottage somewhere nice with a hot tub and take food and go on walks, chill, read a book.

Last year I:
Went to Wales on a hot tub/walking weekend with 3 female friends
Went to Milan with DH for 5 days left the dc with my DPs, got a spa trip in then (admitted this is not a break without DH but its a break without DC)
Went to Cardiff of all places for a pissed up weekend with another group of friends
Went to Barcelona for 3 days with a large group of women to celebrate our friends 50th
Went to Oxford with the same group of friends

Other friends did short breaks to tenerife, lanzerote barcelona, valencia and kos and skiing all without their husbands. Just the first few that come to mind I think you need to start living a little if the money is there!

My kids are only 1 & 3 and I go away every year with my friend for a week

I need a break from parenting and we go and do something fun

we went to New York before my second was born and daughter was 2-

husband and I leave the kids every year and go to Glastonbury or another festival - cus we are still the same people we were pre kids and need to enjoy ourselves sometimes without the kids

i usually so another festival in Europe with some friends as well in the summer.

husband does similar

we also make time for a family holiday too or a festival we all go to

just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean your a different person or you’ve to stop
doing things you enjoy op.

do you never want to do anything like a holiday with your friends again because you have kids ?

I think a lot of women are also totally happy to have a childfree holiday also, and want to - I have done, will try to this year, and most of my friends certainly would and do. It's fine that you don't want to, but it is a normal and healthy thing for parents of both sexes to do.

I really think you need to get support for your anxiety. You also need to carve out some time for yourself. Go away, take up a hobby, or do something that’s just for you.

Not married. He has life insurance im prob not worth insuring!

Im thinking of asking him to leave us some money to do things whilst hes away. If he spending that much on himself this would be reasonable right? I dont earn much.

This doesn’t sound healthy.

Why do you need to ask for him to leave you money? Surely all money is family money and you both have access to it?

I've got a chance of a lifetime to do to Australia this year without DH and kids
DH appreciates the opportunity and will facilitate me going i do so knowing I'll miss the kids but wouldn't let it stop me.

4 days isn't a long time. I have done several long weekends away with friends, my husband does a city break each year with a friend. We have also done weekends away together where grandparents have looked after our child. We miss our child when we are away, but never feel guilty for taking occasional time for ourselves. It sounds like you are too dependant on him, and also worrying far too much . New York is generally fine, what are you so worried about? Are you more concerned about him cheating or something?

What I don't agree with is booking something before discussing it with your spouse, it sounds like your partner just booked it and told you afterm Whenever we book trips , we always talk it through first and ensure the logistics work.

So money is an issue? I thought it wasn’t

Why do you need to “do things” while he’s away. It’s 4 days OP. Are you asking for money when he’s on his scouting weekend or just when he’s going with a mate you don’t really like because you think they’ll be trying to shag about?

I’d be a bit more annoyed about the lack of discussion and consideration. That said, when our (2) kids were younger we did have long weekends (once a year) with friends. Usually girls/boys ski weekends. DH was in the services and away a lot when they were little…. Places like the Gulf and often uncontactable (on a submarine), so I’m probably a bit less sympathetic having just got on with it. We also live in London (which isn’t as scary as some people seem to think!

He is the main earner. He pays for family holidays. I do earn some money but not on his level. We have a joint account to pay bills. If I asked for some money for leisure stuff im sure he would. Scouting is less than 48 hours over a weekend. I dont think hes trying to shag about like I said i feel scared about the distance and hes gonna come home safe.

Yabvu I am going to Turkey a week by myself. My DD is being left with her dad and they will both be fine.

So what’s a few quid for activities got to do with anything?

You’ve mentioned him taking photos up women’s skirts (pre 2006 presumably as it was before everyone had smartphones), you’ve mentioned his ex from the same time and that was apparently problematic but it’s 2 decades ago 😵‍💫. You’ve said about his friend drinking back then, again, 2 decades ago. You’ve claim it’s because he’s unsafe (in a big city and flying which is safer than the journey to the airport) but you’re happy for him to go off in the freezing January weather on the motorways and camping? Sorry, doesn’t add up.

he’s not unreasonable to go for a jolly with his mate but he is U to not discuss it with you first

you need to announce that you’re going on a similar trip with a friend and leave him to it for 5 days. Kids will be fine.

No photos hilariously taken up his friends sister and mates skirt which apparantly wasn't him or his fault...

How revolting.

He seems to be o.k. with his mate doing that?!

I would go and have just come back from the states for 4 days. I’m not a bad mother because of it.

Not in my experience. I travel extensively for work and I’m typically in Asia so it’s almost a 24 hour journey. I miss DH and DS but I don’t worry and it doesn’t stop me going. In fact I look forward to my trips.
DH gets far more home sick than I do when he travels.

It’s perfectly reasonable for an adult to go abroad with friends or for work even if they have children.

Doesn't have anything to do with this person now