I’m going to give up on holidays…

[solidnwardar]

We’re going home early again from another holiday - 3rd year on the trot. DS is autistic and despite him knowing everything about holidays and really wanting to go, he becomes a rude, horrible person to be around and refuses to do / see / eat anything and once again he’s complaining that he never wanted to come and we forced him and this was the worst holiday ever.

Holidays are SO expensive. I feel really sad, flat and unhappy that another year of saving up and endlessly thinking about everyone’s needs has still left everyone miserable. We haven’t seen much of where we’ve been and are skipping one whole segment of the holiday to fly home early.

I'm done. I would say I’m saving for when he’s left home but he probably won’t. Holidays are overrated aren’t they?!

Oh I’m so sorry that must be soul destroying after putting so much work into it.

Maybe just get home and get straight and back into a normal routine before you make any drastic decisions about future trips.

There are lots and lots of different interpretations of the word “holiday” - UK / abroad / hotel / self catering / rural / city / beach / travelling / adventure / activity / trains / aeroplanes / road trips etc etc wtc

How old is DS? Is it worth involving him more in some discussions about next year and what he would enjoy in his version of a ‘holiday’?

I can’t get my head around hotel based holidays - but I know 90% of the population love them so that’s one example!

Give yourself time to decompress when you get home and have a think / make a list of things that didn’t work and things that did (if there were any!) then see if you can think around ways to lean into the good bits and remove the crap stuff.

I don’t think this rude child deserves a holiday!

What does he want to do? Sit on the iPad?

In these circumstances I would be trying to tailor the holiday and destination to the tastes of said child

Also I’m sure he loves to do something so that would be compromised if he continued to be difficult

spectrum and especially if he has a certain level of IQ he will have the capacity to behave

Might be worth trying to organise something for yourself in future. Why keep spending money to basically pay to be stressed?
If you’ve tried three times and it’s always focused on others’ needs (including their need to abandon a trip and pay for an expensive last second flight to return home) then maybe explore the fact that family holidays are not essential (maybe stick to a couple of days out instead!) - but it sounds like you need one. Even if you have to pay for childcare/holiday clubs/babysitter takeaways etc. - I guarantee it’ll be cheaper than this.

@solidnwardar you're not alone, entirely ND family here and even with all the planning in the world, our holiday has had some real low points this year. I'm so sorry yours has too, it's shit and I really relate to how sad you feel.

We have done various mini breaks in separate groups (3 ND teens) over the last few years and that is the way forward for us in order to all get a break of some kind instead of a shit load more stress in a different place that cost a fortune.

Hope things are a bit less stressful once you are home.

Are you with anyone?

Can someone else look after him while you and DH go next time as he clearly would rather stay at home .
or you go with a friend ?

How old is he? What kind of holiday did you have? Where did things go wrong?

Sympathies OP. I had similar thoughts on holiday this year though it got better as it went along. DD was asked if she'd rather stay at her dgm's next year and she said yes but I'm hoping that on reflection she'll change her mind. We might stay in the UK though. Maybe somewhere remote in Scotland that's different from home but has elements of the familiar and a comfortable climate. She likes youth hostels and music festivals because they are comfortingly familiar while a bit different from home.

This could have been me writing this!. Just returned from a holiday abroad just me and my 12 year old son. He's not been diagnosed but I'm pretty sure he's ASD.

From the moment we got there, he constantly complained saying he hated it and wanted to go home. Refused go leave the apartment and barely ate anything. We managed two days out to theme parks but he made the whole experience completely depressing.

He's been desperately asking to go on holiday all year. I knew it would be difficult but I didn't think it would be this bad. Cost an absolute fortune and I don't have much money. His dad does nothing with him as he has social anxiety, so everything is down to me.

I'm never doing it again.

I get it OP. My son is autistic and I too have given up on holidays. He cannot cope with all the changes they entail.
We are doing day trips only this year.

@Quitelikeitdid you read the post properly?

We had a stressful holiday this year with our DD who is suspected autistic/ADHD. A real low would be for example when she had a huge meltdown in a busy international travel hub due to the noise and I only just managed to stop her from running away. Other issues include that she didn't like the feel of her bed so couldn't sleep in it, and the constant struggle of finding anything she would eat. I also struggled with constantly throwing money at the problem which was not in the budget for things like taxis to deal with issues as they arose. But I guess if I'm completely honest part of the issue is my and DHs expectations about the trip. There were obviously things we wanted to do and see which didn't happen so I wonder if I could let go of some of that would it be better? And if I just resign myself to the fact that DD will probably eat unhealthily all week, won't be properly washed etc. and don't let that bother me then perhaps that eliminates some stress as well? But it is quite upsetting that even in a nice setting and being so lucky to be there, we still have so many problems and they are basically all the same ones as at home plus new unexpected ones! And I also struggle with the fact that DD can still be rude and ungrateful and not appreciate the effort it has taken to get there or how lucky she is to be there. But I doubt at her age I would have been any better so I hope this doesn't mean I'm raising a monster because I think I ended up ok. However I didn't come home refreshed. I came home on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Sorry OP. All I can say is you're not alone.

We gave up on 'proper' holidays very quickly.

Centreparcs is all that works, mine only relax in the accommodation so we can nip out multiple times for activities or meals and they know we'll be back soon. It also never changes which reduces their anxiety, we even always book the same cabin.

Realise this doesn't sound like a holiday! But if the purpose is to get away from home and routine, spend time together and have some nice experiences it can tick the boxes. If ds is old enough to be left alone you can get 9ut on local sight seeing too.

Thank you for all the solidarity - you ASD mums really get it. He’s 14. Specialist school but highly intelligent. Wants to be and do ‘normal’
but absolutely falls apart anywhere without all of his usual stuff / food / routine. But
cant see that’s his ASD and puts all the blame on everyone / everything else.

We’ve tried all the types of holidays - UK and abroad, villa / complex / cruise etc - all hated
for different reasons and constantly trying to avert meltdowns in a new environment.

ill be going home and straight back to work also on the verge. I’m quite tearful now as it’s just hit home on this trip just how disabled he is and just how much the world is not set up for him and he’s probably going to spend his life in his bedroom 😢

All I want is a relaxing holiday where someone else looks after us for a bit. Can’t leave him behind as no one else can cope with him and I don’t really have anyone I’d want to go on holiday with except DH!

I relate so much to everything you've said. This holiday has really highlighted how different my son is to regular children his age.
Lots of sympathy and solidarity ❤️

We had a few years of it with our older child. Now she’s 25 and I can go away with her. She’s ND and it wasn’t easy when she was a teen.

We cut our holiday short too this year. Son is autistic and wanted to stay in his room all day. Tried to go out twice and it was all so bloody miserable and hard. He was so cross when we said we may as well go home early but then was happy and chatty once we set off back home. Not sure what we’ll do next year to be honest as I can’t face it again.

Like other threads do adults plan what holiday they have in mind and then feel the chilsren have to be grateful because the adults have planned it and the kids just have to go along with it? not saying the OP but I have heard comments from parents 'well we spend thousands and the kids should just be happy with what we chose' not in those exact words but the sentiment

No I am not saying kids should be the boss and it should all go their own way but parents make adults decisons and then expect kids to follow their orders

We are doing long weekends, and pack food etc. Everything is planned, and gets a “timetable” on what to expect each day that is agreed with him and leaves time to relax.
We get an apartments as well so he has space to retreat.
We eat out, be he knows he doesn’t have to (usually tries a bit, but eats back at the apartment ).
My oldest is 12, specialist school and highly intelligent as well.

@PollyBell - you don't get it.

So sorry, that sounds really tough for you. I don't blame you for giving up on the whole idea of holidays.

Could you take the money you would have spent on next year's holiday, and use it for a series of smaller treats for yourself and your DH? Perhaps while your DS is at school, you could both take a day off work and go for a walk together with a nice pub lunch, or something, once a month?

I'm autistic,and two of my 4 adult DC are .
It definitely does make holidays more difficult,and we always end up coming home a night early.
But we do seem to of nailed down what works
Firstly we go on about 3/4 holidays a year ,but to the same place ,,a really cheap basic little Holliday park ,where Monday to Friday costs £249 for October half term .
Not spending much on the holiday means there is no pressure if it goes wrong and we end up coming home
We take extra things we need ,so my son and I can't use the kettle or plates bowels cutlery in the holiday home ,so we take our own .we take bottled water as the tap water tastes funny.
We plan different things for each person,so everyone gets to do what they want ,with me and DH taking it in turns to go of out with one child while the other goes on iPad at holiday home to de stress and chill.
So out for a couple of hours , Holliday home for a couple of hours.
We avoid busy places and avoid busy times .
We can't cope with the heat ,so holiday in October and February half term and Easter sometimes.
There's no pressure on anyone to do anything,and because we go to the same very small holiday home ,each time we go it's less stressful than the last ,it's very familiar now ,we love the area and feels like a second home to us.
I get it ,that won't work for everyone,as people like to go to new places
But our kids are adults now ,so we have had years of trying different places and having disastrous holidays,and we just sort of fell in to this and it just works..our DC have quite high support needs autism and won't leave home to be independent,..which is why they still holiday with us as adults

My nephew was like this. My poor sister couldn’t even go out for an evening meal. He was at a specialist school too, because his behaviour could become fairly volatile at times and nobody ever thought he’d be able to cope living away from home. I think his behaviour was definitely exacerbated by teenage hormones.
Fast forward and he became much more independent, is now late 20’s, married, buying a house and loves travelling. There’s hope.

@solidnwardar I get it. DS15 ASD but not highly intelligent like yours. We always go to the same hotel every year and stay at the hotel. He has got routines there ; morning sea with us, afternoon video games and pool with brother. He loves eating so the all inclusive is something he enjoys as well. I'm not going to say it's a walk in the park with him (especially at bed time when he insists all lights be out so noone can read and farting and laughing🙄) but the days are fine. But I was happy to come home to my bedroom I must admit😅..

Does he have an interest/sports he likes? Is it possible to find a place where he can do those? And then repeat every summer so he feels at ease?

Bless you, sending solidarity. I have an ASD teen boy, who sounds very similar. We've had to make so many changes in our lives (no restaurants, shopping centres etc), but I refused to give up travel.

In the younger years, the only thing that worked for us was always going to the States. Probably due to language, food, cars, his love of movies, but this was 'acceptable'. Always stayed in a villa due to the stress of being around other people in a hotel (and my stress/embarrassment from his inevitable meltdowns, where he can be staggeringly rude).

Cost meant it wasn't an annual trip, but that was ok. Obviously we still had many meltdowns whilst away (it makes me sad how little joy he feels), but I didn't receive criticism for the overall destination, which I took as a 'win'. We also never went in summer school holidays, always October when cooler/less busy. School summer hols are spent at home decompressing from school.

Please don't beat yourself up. You're doing a fab job! It is so hard. x