I’m going to give up on holidays…

[solidnwardar]

We’re going home early again from another holiday - 3rd year on the trot. DS is autistic and despite him knowing everything about holidays and really wanting to go, he becomes a rude, horrible person to be around and refuses to do / see / eat anything and once again he’s complaining that he never wanted to come and we forced him and this was the worst holiday ever.

Holidays are SO expensive. I feel really sad, flat and unhappy that another year of saving up and endlessly thinking about everyone’s needs has still left everyone miserable. We haven’t seen much of where we’ve been and are skipping one whole segment of the holiday to fly home early.

I'm done. I would say I’m saving for when he’s left home but he probably won’t. Holidays are overrated aren’t they?!

Would you consider a solo holiday? Nothing to long just a few nights away, nobody to accommodate but yourself?

I've started doing this a few years ago mainly because I have a busy work and home life.

I'm more the off grid, wild camping in Scotland type, but it's soo refreshing!

We do short breaks with two ND teens who are at mainstream school with accommodations.

They love our motorhome because it is familiar with their own bedding, iPads, food, etc. They are airtagged and phone tracked and always know they’re as safe as we can possibly manage.

DH likes a compact space himself and in the past we’ve had a caravanette, touring caravan, static van. He’s probably also ND. Likes order and familiarity.

It's a considerable expense, bit the flexibility is wonderful.

They also like short activity holidays as long as they’re allowed phones for a set length of time each evening.

For us, it boils down to teens being as familiar as possible and feeling very secure.

Hi OP we have an autistic DC and after an incredibly stressful holiday a few years ago which culminated in many, many, many meltdowns we decided it was pointless taking her on holiday again. Since then we have had solo holidays or separate holidays with friends as it important for us to get a break. We’re really fortunate that we have some respite provision in place we mean we get an occasional long weekend away together. I would strongly consider this approach as its important both you and your DH get a break from your caring responsibilities. One cannot pour from an empty cup. It may not be ideal - ideally you’d like to holiday together - but it’s better than never having a holiday.

Can you forget everyone else and go away for a city break on your own for a weekend?

My DS is also 14 and autistic. As a family we go away each year to a place called the Thomas Centre. Its set up for families of children with additional needs, but there is enough there for my younger DS and myself and my husband.

It's the only place my son will go and we love it because it gets us away and he's calm there. Its not cheap though!

Otherwise like others said, we do mini weekend breaks over the year but not all together, so someone will always stay home with my DS, and the other goes away with friends or takes the younger DS away.

Can you leave him while you do activities? DS is 13 and on the spectrum but he is very level headed and sensible in general. He has an older sibling though and that helps. If we are planning activities on holiday we always allow for them to have decompression days where we nip in and out to them but they can just sit on their phones for the day if that is what they want. They get on great so that helps too.

We also do a lot of trips to the supermarket, one of their favourite activities because supermarkets are pretty universal. While there each of them can choose 3 things they want which helps with the food fussiness. Our eldest is also autistic but high functioning and she no longer comes with us and definitely having one not two autistic kids has made it a lot easier for holidays.

I do, yes, but DS is not autistic. Holidays are for parents.

It’s very hard. We have a son with disabilities and he likes routine / same food. We find self catering works better as we can give him the food he likes. His brother is good at chivvying him along. We brought a special needs buggy. He’s allowed to bring his iPad with him on trips.

I really like you want a holiday where I get to relax, eat, swim and read my book and not be negotiating, planning, adjusting all the time. Also photos on insta of people all playing uno together can fuck off.

You have my sympathy.

No and that adds to the annoyance because you've already compromised and spent over the odds to accommodate the DC"s wishes and they're still miserable.

To be fair to DD last year she was content if not overjoyed with Wales. It was me that was bored because we were miles from the sea and the lake had blue algae. I found trooping around Asda gave me major fomo but she had a better time and we might repeat something similar next year. Though now a PP's mention of a solo wild camping trip has me daydreaming!

Can I join. Living this at the moment and so down about it. Holiday was chosen by everyone but everything is a problem. I have walked away and sitting with a Starbucks to get some space. This was our one break from home for a week and I'd go home now if I could. Only others on this thread will understand. I know its pointless but I envy the families with 'yes' kids cause I love my kids to bits but having 'no to everything' kids makes life so complicated.

We have been going to the same holiday cottage in Scotland for 4 years now, and (mostly) it works.
Its quite, by the sea, road isn't busy (road safety is a big thing for us: bolting to see things that are the current obsession) but there's a caravan park with an arcade and pool a short walk away etc...
If you live in England you can get two quite weeks at the end of summer when Scottish schools are back.

Bless you
I understand
Hope things improve

My DD is nearly 14 and autistic. We can manage holidays with a clear purpose. So, a theme park holiday. A Center Parcs holiday to swim and bike ride. It's as though she can push through the additional demands and discomfort through knowing what will happen each day (we are at Disneyland ergo we will be Disneylanding each day) and also through there being a clear purpose to being there. Pottering, being in nature, eating out are not enough of a pull for her to make the demands worthwhile. Specific activities related to her special interest are. We build a lot of holidays around football matches / stadiums.

Some practical things which help us - she sleeps in my bed on holiday, I announce where the loos are "for her little brother" when we arrive anywhere new, I don't make her shower while on holiday, I allow her some new clothes specific to the expected climate/activities which she never wears but it helps her feel in control. We avoid flying if we can.

Really feel for you OP.
Would it be possible for you to go away with friends or on your own for short break next time?
Maybe just stick nice walks in nature with son, Snowdonia absolutely beautiful, they is a Forrest rollercoaster which is absolutely brilliant for all ages. Or days out, weekends away in this country.
I do think there is an enormous amount of pressure for all parents with teenagers this age when going away. If most parents were honest they probably wished they hadn't bothered. So your not alone and am sure things will get easier as your son gets older.
If your son seems happy enough at home, focus on yourself, it's really important you get a break and can clock off too. I understand as a lone widowed parent myself this isn't always possible.

We don’t. I’m fairly easy going on where we go but every holiday has been what DS has picked. He has ideas, we flesh out plans and options and let him pick. The problem is he thinks and wants to be ‘fine’ and never is but can’t see that’s how his ASD presents and instead blames us for forcing him. I wouldn’t be on this holiday if he hadn’t asked to go!

Thank you everyone. It’s been really REALLY helpful having the solidarity and just what I needed. I feel a little better today as we set off for home. I’m limited to what I can do with other people. There isn’t really anyone I’d want to go on holiday with but a solo holiday might be an option.

DS Is a challenge. He doesn’t want quiet / open beaches / long walks etc as he says it’s boring. He wants something he can’t really cope with but doesn’t know what that is…..tbh
im done talking to him about holidays / trips / outings and am just taking it off the table now.

It is so hard. I sometimes try to do stuff that I know will be difficult because I dont want to limit my son's experiences etc... but often it's just hard for all of us.
My mum (lovely as she is) has just booked a weekend stay in the centre of a popular northern seaside town for the whole family. Totally unsuitable for DS but she was thinking of him when she booked it (we weren't consulted just told after) so it's hard to say, actually we aren't coming to this as its going to be a stressful nightmare, but thanks!

My questions would be does he pick these things because it’s something he actually likes/has an interest in or it’s because what “normal” people/kids his age like/want to do?

I feel for you.

My autistic daughter (and almost certainly) autistic husband both struggle with holidays.

I now aim to spend no more than 3 or 4 nights in the same place (at least if it's a nightmare, it's a shorter nightmare)
Return to anywhere vaguely successful
Max of one week abroad (plus hotel must have buffet so she can enjoy weird food combos - Nutella and cucumber, anyone?)
Holiday must feature many swimming opportunities (other bodies of water will do: will dunk self in river, lake, waterfall, etc) but God forbid we walk anywhere or do anything historical or cultural.

She used to take hours and hours to go to sleep anywhere new but has slightly grown out of that. It was that part made me swear never to go again, on a number of occasions.

Still haven't cracked the difficulty that she won't eat any breakfast reliably but mashed potato...I saw a sign in a cafe once that said "I'm sorry for the things I said when I was hangry", which just about sums up our holidays.

I call it a win if everybody's happy for most of one day!

@Theoturkeyflieswest I think you’ve nailed it and your own autism gives extra insight into what works. I think going back to the same place each year so it becomes more and more comfortingly familiar is great, and having low expectations and a low budget. Key too is you and DH playing tag team rather than trying to go around in one big unit, while the other(s) stay in and decompress. After all, how many MNers here don’t want to go out and about but want to decompress by reading a book by a pool every day, and return to the same place each year?

OP - DH and I also played tag team and so one of us would get the opportunity to explore on their own and vice-versa. It worked really well for us rather than try to do what was “ normal”.

My own AUHD son is an adult now, comes on holidays with just me and his brother (he and his dad clash horribly) and I let him plan and research the whole trip. DH has his own occasional trips such as with DD. It works for us. And my fear was of AS never leaving his bedroom but he’s got online game- playing friends as well as RL game-playing friends he sees. As a teacher he has a long summer break which is why I holiday with him, plus he’s a good travel guide! Otherwise I fear he’d never go away.

I think these teenage years are the hardest but it DOES get better.

I agree with a suggestion of say trips / outings for you and DH, and solo trips for you

That sounds wonderful @Abracadabra12345.

I would adore going on a holiday planned by someone else once in a while.

living this now. He'd be happy sitting on his phone all day long which is disgusting. I just assume he'll be a miserable git away from his phone and ignore it as best as I can.

Oh bless you. There are so many companies that offer group tours and cater for solo travellers. Give up on taking DS, he doesn't benefit, whatever he says. Focus on yourself

I'm so sorry. My dc is autistic and we also have difficult holiday moments...and general days out, etc! I'm so sorry for all of you posting with the same struggles. If anyone needs and deserves a bloody good holiday it's a SEN family, especially the child!
Would it work if you split your annual holiday into separate trips, eg you & hubby go for a long weekend abroad somewhere to be spoiled rotten and as a family drive to a self catering spot for a few days with a flexible itinery scheduling in lots of downtime? We found center parcs a huge success, as a pp mentioned. Could you take his pillowcase & sheet from home, and anything he really struggles without? Call ahead to make sure there's food he'll enjoy? Plan a morning activity then afternoon in room with him on the iPad and you sunbathing and having an aperitif on the balcony or have some intimate time in your own room or something? Planning some kind of monitoring service with the accommodation so you can do you excursions and he can stay in the room if he wants?
Is the expectation he puts on himself just too overwhelming for him? Could you use some PDA strategies?
I think the ideal of a summer holiday where you get looked after and have a jam-packed schedule just isn't going to work for now, and is soul destroying and expensive. This holiday is done, go home and regroup. Plan a fabulous day or meal out just you & hubby for soon after you get back and do something trued & tested as a family with guaranteed success so you're all in a better place and know that you're not alone, he will probably get better with time (some of it will be teenage hormones) and he probably will leave home and create his own independent life, especially as a highly intelligent person. You may well get that cruise in at some point! All the best to all of you

Yeah it’s crap. Had one family holiday my whole kids childhood when I was with someone and my mum came too. Otherwise had to try and do separate things with each child as best I could.