Arrrrgh! How to support DC in uni choice

[SinuousTendrils]

So DD has finally decided on PPE for her course having pivoted between literature and maths all year.
At last year's open days she loved Warwick's philosophy and maths courses but was not keen on the campus or the idea of living near Coventry.
She loved Durham, loved the PPE course but is concerned about the number of public school types (after ruling out oxbridge for this reason) It is also far away from home.
She felt right at home in Sheffield but isn't sure if the course is as good....
She has no idea what to do but wishes she could take the Warwick course in Sheffield.
Dors anyone have knowledge about the PPE course at Sheff? Warwick was a particular draw as they teach continental.
Thank you.

You'll see I've acknowledged the challenges and taken them on board.
As I said before, i was at uni with mostly privately educated people and they were on the whole nice people, just as those i met from comps were. I don't recall any of the privately educated students i came across being from anything other than hugely wealthy priviliged backgrounds, although, again i have acknowledged this isn't necessarily always true.There must be some acknowledgement that, in that sort of environment, as a state school educated, bog standard comprehensive student, one might feel more comfortable with people from a comparable background, surely?
All people are shit/great no matter their background, of course, I am not an idiot. But in choosing where to move from home and spend years studying, taking into account the likelihood of finding people you might feel comfortable with isn't an issue imo.
I hope DD goes to Durham and becomes best friends with the Dutchess of Toffington and has a meteoric rise to influence despite her lack of wealth and connections.
I'll report back with humble pie.

Yup didn’t like the toon either on a similar basis 🤔

Not very socialist at all I’d say.

I think you're confused about socialism not meaning 'having a gut reaction about a place'
This us getting daft now, I'm back off down the mine.
Thanks for advice and lively discussion folks. For the willful contrariness and .ick offence, not so much.

Lol at “Duchess of Toffington” @SinuousTendrils

Hope your DD finds somewhere she loves and has a great time. Sheffield, Durham, Leeds, Manchester, all great.

I think OP is in danger of being over invested to be honest…there is supporting choices and being a sounding board to…I dunno an 8 page thread on mumsnet. I also think the OP’s daughter sounds rather too closed minded and opinionated to take anyone’s advice anyway!

I think that if you are considering whether to prioritise course or city I would 100% recommend going for the course that suits you best. You will put up with a slightly less exciting city in order to stick out the course.

But about Sheffield: I was born and raised in Nottingham although left (for University of Newcastle upon Tyne) years ago. When DD said she was considering Sheffield for her Law degree I was stunned. I had always thought Sheffield was the pits. DD went and made friends/stuck it out, because it had a year 3 abroad - that was what she really wanted. She loved a year in Switzerland. Coincidentally 2 years later I ended up being a Sheffield Uni student as I found a part time PhD that suited me. I will vouch for the uni facilities. I still don't think it is a place I would choose to live - but I stayed in city centre hotels when visiting. The city centre is a bit drab. Access to the countryside looked good though. It was a fairly cheap uni too. Compared to her sister who spend 3 years living in Oxford living costs were much lower.

At the end of the day though, you need to be sure that the course is for you.

The city centre is a bit drab. Access to the countryside looked good though.

Surprised to read this. Sheffield normally gets the vote as a great city. Obvs some parts are not lovely, like any big city, but I deffo rate it. Big enough to have a decent cultural offer and hilly (always good) with excellent facilities (50m swimming pool, excellent indoor sports fac in the EIS) and good shopping. Yes cheap housing. Trams. DD is doing a master's there and it gets her vote.

Also access to the countryside – that's a massive selling point. Like, the Peak District absolutely on your doorstep. Not too bad then.

I’ve just read through the posts and I feel for the OP that her parents would have disowned her for choosing a particular school for her child.

This. There appears to be quite a lot of wrapping up one’s identity in education choices here, rather than simply going with the school or the uni which will provide the best outcome for a particular child. Good thing OP’s not passing that identity nonsense down to her DC. No wait…

Amazed you are on here asking for advice. You both sound blinkered and rather precious.

My Dd has just finished doing Economics at Newcastle and loved it - she lived in Jesmond which is such a lovely area and you can get to the beach on the metro - only went into the centre for big nights out. Perfect mix of city with great train links to London and countryside in east reach. She was state schooled.

My overarching advice for you on how best to support your child is to recognise how your own preconceptions and chip on your shoulder appear to have been passed on to your DD. To challenge her to look properly at what she is looking for in a university and recognise that it is reverse snobbery and wrong to consider you can never be friends with someone whose parents made one particular educational choice for their kids. The same way that it would be very wrong for kids who are privately educated to suggest they might never be friends with someone wha attended state school or was home-schooled.

As it goes, my experience is that the middle class London private school kid will have lots of friends and experiences in common with the middle class London kid who has been to a "comp" in a leafy part of the city - more so than with someone who went to a boarding school out in the Country. The bottomline is that the majority of kids going to uni these days tend to come from "middle class" families of some type or another. You yourself are university educated and invested enough to be posting on MN and taking her to open days ... so it does not seem that she is coming from an under-privileged background. (I went to a grammar and was the first in my family to go to uni.)

The students I know fully adapt to one person having a bigger allowance than the other (my private school student DC have way less dosh than some of their state educated flat mates as it went). But they all end up making friendships based on their halls / courses / clubs and sports regardless.

@SinuousTendrils Regrettably it’s your dd who needs to grow up. She’s not looking for the best course, she’s looking to confirm her left wing views. Sheffield will be a great fit. Very low on the abhorrent private school student %. She will be right at home with her prejudices.

😳

Thanks for the lovely contributions folks. I'm sure you'll all feel better making rancid comments about a 17 yo you know nothing about.
We're a massive pair of horrors.

FYI,@clary and others, each university can only see itself on your UCAS application.

OP, SEN pupils are not the only ones with bursaries to independent schools. DH went through a fairly well known public school on a full scholarship. It was his parents’ decision and he didn’t much enjoy it but it prepared him well for Oxbridge where he chose his friends for better reasons than their family backgrounds or what school they went to. They are a great mix of people.

Surely @IzzyLeng ’s table upthread should disabuse DD of her idea that ‘most’ students anywhere are from independent schools. Why can she not appreciate that children often have little say in where they are educated?

It is important for your DD, like all students, to feel good about her choice of university. Her criteria are what they are. But the logical flaw regarding students from private schools is striking in someone who wishes to study philosophy and has some mathematical, hence logical, ability.

I would only say that if DD keeps finding flaws everywhere there may be something else going on, and a gap year to figure out what she really wants might be helpful. Actually IME (as an academic in a school with a very high offer) a structured gap year benefits almost everyone; I do not just present it as a solution to a problem.

OP I hope this thread will help you and your DD to become more broad minded. In doing so, she may well find the best uni for her.

My private school educated son received a contextual offer to an RG uni. I suspect this may horrify you. But it’s an example of a student who doesn’t come from a very privileged background, and was fully deserving of a contextual offer, in spite of his private schooling.

I wish you both the very best with her making the right decision for her.

Oh god, neither Dd nor i have said at any point that we hate privately educated people, that it's their fault or that we don't want to interact with such people!
She has merely expressed a concern that, at the uni with the highest percentage of public school students, she might have more of a challenge finding people with similar experience. This in a much grander venn diagram of all the universities that could be considered along with personal gut reactions to towns/campuses/distance from home, has been considered as a criteria for choosing. That's all. It isn't a personal attack on anyone or any place that might be offended. My dd doesn't lack judgement, or reason, or logical thinking, she isn't blinkered. I doubt very much she takes much notice of what i think, which is probably for the best, as some of the more astute of you have noted. She's inexperienced in the world of course and will find her own paths and people.
I have learned about the private school system and have acknowledged this.

@SinuousTendrils It’s very ignorant to think any university has a majority of privately educated dc that she cannot possibly mix with. Did you, or her , ever look up the stats? I don’t think so or she would not take up such an unreasonable position. Of course she will find similar people but more likely to in Sheffield.

Maybe next time describe it this way, rather than using phrases like “morally repugnant” and “bought their way into the tribe”.

Where did anyone on this thread say you or DD hate the privately educated, OP? I only had the idea you were a bit ignorant, as many are.

I also think very, very few are against good education for all, though some balk at the taxation this requires. Stating your belief in this on MumsNet seems to me redundant.

All the most provocative language on this thread is yours. @U53rName helpfully provided a list of some key phrases of yours above.

Absolutely agree with the idea of a Gap Year in helping young people decide what’s right for them. My daughter spent it working in shifts at a convenience supermarket where she dealt with everything and everyone. Took all the training they offered her and covered a number of different roles including very early starts at the bakery - walking the forty minutes there! Combined with a couple of European city breaks with her pals was just the right mix.

It did wonders for her confidence and made her realise what people out of her own social bubble were like and how we all have our own battles to fight. Some of the leaving cards given to her by her colleagues were so lovely. She’s now throwing herself into a very competitive course in Liverpool but is finding the academic side quite a shock to the system after the year ‘off’.🤣

@Justonemorecoffeeplease And that’s why some dc should not do a year off! They lose the momentum of learning. It can then be a struggle to re-engage. Neither are all dc by any means too immature to go to university. They need to spread their wings and make decisions for themselves.

Do you give your DC free reign? How do you discuss budgets if you can't afford a single uni that they might love.

At no point did I say ALL young people should take a year out. Simply stated it can help them sort out their next steps and see what life is like beyond school and university. It certainly helped her bank balance too!