Missed offer- advice

[PinkChaires]

My DD missed her offer for the University of Manchester, which she was really hoping for, and she’s understandably very upset.
She does, however, have offers for Psychology at MMU, Leeds, Sheffield and Liverpool through clearing.
for many reasons she really wants to stay in Manchester and shes saying she will go to MMU. Its a tough pill to swallow given that she was a Law offer holder for UCL and UOM. Will it damage her career prospects? Any positives i can give her? Thanks

So sorry to hear that Pink and I hope your daughter gets in somewhere that she really likes

She is definitely a Young Carer, it’s not related to you receiving Carers Allowance at all. I have a disabled child whom I receive CA for and her brother is a YC. I don’t even rely on him for her care in any way, he will be moving out for Uni in a couple of years no problems (that’s not a criticism, circumstances are different).

Having a disabled sibling makes him a Young Carer almost by definition. He gets less of my time and attention than he otherwise would, he naturally cares and worries about her and he has to ‘look after himself’ more and at a younger age than he otherwise would, hence he is a Young Carer. The local YC Society have been supporting him for years - since he was 7 or 8 - I really do recommend reaching out.

I realise this in no way solves your current issues though.

No, but shes 18 now so i think its a biy late? What charities are there please?

I feel that you are putting too much on her shoulders! Of course she’s insisting she stays at home, you rely on her and she knows you won’t manage. You’ve already said if she goes the family will be on its knees. She’s not responsible for your two year old. It is very unfair that this has come to that. Why do you have a two year old if you weren’t able to manage. I would get you two year old in nursery or a childminder and seek help in your home. Your 18 year old deserves to build her own life, not be responsible for looking after yours

If she’d be generally happier at MMU I’d say go for it. They’ve got excellent facilities and put a lot of effort into helping their students get jobs. If she’s prepared to work hard to get a first, she could do well with an MMU degree.

There will be deadlines on her clearing offers. She will need to follow their instructions to the letter.

I'm very sorry thst she's struggling. I agree with an earlier poster that a gap year might help her to get her own MH sorted, without taking the approach that it's something she just needs to get on with as it's not going to change. With proper support it can. Then she could apply grades in hand in October with a proper UCAS application which reflects her circumstances.

She would also have the chance to reflect on what she really wants to do without making a rash decision this week which could be setting herbal to fail. This would also give you and your DH the opportunity to come to terms with both of your own diagnoses and how you can adapt to give your DD the freedom & opportunities she deserves.

My DD is a young carer and I contacted her school during GCSES having no idea there was actual beneficial support for her and they organised everything and she’s been supported through her A levels too including financial support paid directly to her and it carries on during her degree even though she’s no longer at home.

The link I put on was 16-25 yr old carers. If you type in Manchester local support options are there.
If you search your council and young carer there will be link to support if she’s 18 she may still fall under their remit.

carers.org/getting-support-if-you-are-a-young-carer-or-young-adult-carer/getting-support-if-you-are-a-young-carer-or-young-adult-carer

My DD’s friend is a young carer, she’s 19 now. I know she goes to events with other young carers because she’s talked about how nice it is to talk to other people her age who are in the same situation.

She did manage to go to university last year because I helped her apply through clearing behind her mother’s back. Her mother had told her she couldn’t go and she thought she couldn’t. But she could and she did.

Well done you and well done her for going for it.

Perhaps she should take a year off and reapply next year with grades in hand.

Were any of the missed grades close to borderline? If so then it may be worth appealing.

If she knows she wants to do a masters she should try to find a course with an integrated masters - it will be a lot cheaper than a separate masters. Its cost will be capped to the same level as her ug course and will be covered by the ug loan rather than the more expensive pg loan (which needs to be paid back in parallel with the ug loan).

My neice had exactly the same predicted grades and got the same result today. She’s sleeping on it. Lots to process.

Sheffield and Liverpool are really good universities for psychology. I know academics who have taught at both. Is there no way she could commute?

Its so difficult isnt it
shes put mmu in her clearing choice xx

Hadn’t RTFT.

Is she expected to be responsible for your 2 year old until they can look after themselves? That would be years. It’s really not fair. She’s young and has her life to live. I know you’re all in an impossible situation but this really should be about her needs and aspirations and making the best decision for her future. She shouldn’t feel responsible for the family at her age.

It’s unsustainable to be reliant on her indefinitely. And of course she’s a young carer.

I read this thread earlier on and was shocked then but decided not to comment as I figured you’re stressed enough as it is.

I’ve just come back to it and I have to say something because you’re just so oblivious.

How can you not see that you are holding back your daughter and ruining her life? You claim she wants to stay home because she’s got OCD and doesn’t want to get into debt - I am certain you have caused the OCD and have planted the ideas of debt in her head to persuade her that it is better to stay at home.

She is only 18. She should be starting her life, and instead, she has a mother who wants her to stay at home to look after her sibling. Seriously, what the actual hell? What chronic gynae issues do you have that mean you cannot look after your toddler? I have severe endometriosis, I’m in agony for around 3 weeks of a month, but I take my painkillers and I carry on because I have a family and a job.

If both of you are so unwell that you need her to take care of you all then presumably you don’t work so why isn’t your child in nursery as I’m sure there’s funding for low income families? And if you do work then why do you need your daughter to do your job?

It is completely incredulous that you cannot see how you are holding her back because it makes your life easier. At what point will you allow her to develop and start having her own independence? When your son is 5? 10? By that point your daughter will have no friends left and almost certainly no career because you need her by your side.

Honestly OP, put your daughter first.

Child is starting in sep only eligible for 15 hours cant afford more
my son is 12 going on 13. Ive taken on all caring responsibilities since the day he was born. Circumstances at the moment mean her help is needed as hes experienced a surge in harming behaviour. I have literally begged for help, unless your child has comparative needs you couldn’t understand. I try to give her almost anything else in return as i know just how hard it is. Im trying to grt us to a place where we are on out feet

Of course you would take on caring responsibilities - he’s your son! Whose responsibility is it if not yours?!

And why have another child if you’re struggling so much?

You are not giving her everything else in return. You are holding her back and have somehow convinced her staying home with you is best for her when really, you just want her to make your life easier. You have guilt tripped her into feeling she has to stay close to home. It’s truly awful. Sounds like she has potential but none of that will be achieved because you won’t allow it.

It's not your daughter's responsibility to care for your other kids.

I know it’s really tough with a severely disabled child. But I can’t help agreeing with @Ansells post. You are really holding back your DD. You say everything is her choice - but she’s an eldest daughter - she’s internalised your views and sees her choices, her life as of far less importance than your needs.

Why did you have a 3rd child when you can’t manage to care for it? Your DD is your daughter, not your nanny. Poor lass, no wonder she has MH issues.

I think you should post on some of the other boards op and ask for advice on getting more support for your younger children. Your daughter’s mental health is a huge cry for help - what’s going on is really not sustainable for any of you.

You need to encourage her to take up the other places and not stay locally to help you.

How is she going to be able to put her hours in at uni in any event. The fact you don’t even really recognise that she’s a young carer speaks volumes.

I really feel for you, @PinkChaires - between your health and your DH’s health and your son’s disability, as well as your toddler, you have a lot on your plate. And I can see why you’ve relied on your DD.

my brother has significant disabilities and at 18 I would have said similar things to your DD because I knew my mum was struggling. But the single best thing that I’ve ever done was to leave my home town for my post grad- that was when I really started to figure out what I wanted for myself, not in relation to my DB or DM.

please encourage your DD to get support as a young carer and consider all the options that are out there.

I have two disabled children - one who I hope will be able to attend university if they choose and have a career eventually, and who is a young carer for their sibling who is more severely disabled - so I know how hard it is to get help. I also have major gynae problems and other chronic health issues. So I absolutely get it.

But your 2 year old is your responsibility, not your 18 year old’s. You chose to have the youngest, in spite of the situation with your severely disabled child (assuming it’s not a recently-acquired disability) and unfortunately with being quite a bit older than you were when you had your 18 year old, you’re more likely to face your own health challenges than before.

You would have to manage if you simply didn’t have the older daughter, or she was too unwell herself or left home. You would have to fight for help, but right now it seems it’s easier to let your 18 year old babysit for much of the time so you don’t have to. I know all too well how hard that fight is but you’ve given up because it’s easier to keep your daughter at home to parent your toddler for you than it is to take on that battle.

I would never want to limit one of my children’s futures because they have been made to feel responsible for the other. It’s not fair at all. Your reproductive choices are not your daughter’s problem.

If you are struggling to access support then make a post and people will help. You should be able to get carers to support with your disabled child which would free you up to look after your 2 year old more. It’s not necessarily easy but it is possible. But social care will look at how much help and support you have so if the current situation is “it’s ok because I use my 18 year old as a nanny” they will see you as needing less help from them than if she weren’t around.

If you don’t free her of this responsibility and let her go, she will likely resent you and potentially her siblings too, when she realises that she’s missed out and limited her potential because of a situation that was not at all of her own making and never should have been put on her. You will destroy your relationship with her as well as her life. You need to put her needs over yours, here.

OP this situation is really hard for you. And I can see how easy it is to rope in other adults in the house for help and support. But you’re seriously clipping your daughter’s wings. Let her soar.

She may say she wants to stay and support you and the other children. But that is because she is a good and loyal girl who has been convinced that leaving might be ‘dangerous’ for her.

As a mum you have to set her free. Don’t create a co-dependency. It’s your job and your husband’s job to support the family. Your daughter is meant to go out into the world and start her own life.