How can I help my son feel better after graduating?

[Theworld0]

DS is graduating from Oxbridge this year. He had a rough final year and messed up one paper, so although he has ended up with a 2:1, he feels as if he has failed somehow.
He has a decent grad job lined up in London in a finance sort of area. It should be a good career and well paid once he gets through the professional exams, though not banking/consulting money.
He just seems really flat about everything. He’ll probably live at home at first to save money, but he’s worried he’ll feel isolated from his uni friends. A few friends might flatshare not too far from us, but if he joined them he’d barely save anything for the first year or two. And tbh may be too late for him to join in anyways.
He is also constantly rethinking everything. He had a consulting offer too, but knows really that it probably wasn’t the right fit for him — he gets anxious, doesn’t love self-promotion, and I don’t think brutal hours would suit him. But he still has that “what if?” feeling, especially as lots of friends are going into consulting, banking, etc.
He did economics and is going into a finance-type job, but his real interests have always been history, politics and international relations. He keeps wondering whether he should throw it all in and do a politics master’s or try to get into something more in that world.
I’m not sure what to say to him really. I don’t want to dismiss it, but I also think he’s tired and disappointed after finals and maybe not in the best frame of mind to make big life decisions. How do I help him feel a bit more positive and less like he’s already made the wrong choices?

This is a good point. If he’s looking at finance jobs with an oxbridge degree, I think he can enjoy his time now for a couple of years, before saving for a home/future.

I think some people feel a huge loss when they leave a university environment. I didn’t go, but I have seen this in my friends at Cambridge, Manchester, Hull, Bristol and other places. I think it’s not too much to say that it’s a sort of grieving process. Also, it was the focus and has been the focus of all his academic life. Everything was geared towards getting into university, and this particular university, and on getting the degree. It’s no wonder that he’s feeling cautious and in the circumstances I don’t think a “boot up the arse“ is necessarily what he needs although some brisk “get on with its” might help at times.

The big thing is that one’s professional career changes overtime. So does one’s learning and education. What he learned at Oxbridge will have given him the tools to think and to forge his own continually path. I hope also that he will retain an enquiring and challenging mind. He will continue to study and to create his own life. It’s really hard for him, because he’s a bit like a runner bean whose bamboo pole has been taken away.

On the other hand, decades down the line, most of the people I referred to above who felt a real pang on leaving university, particularly Cambridge, now have very little interest in the place.

Phew, this is a very serious forward plan for only 21.
I know it's good to be sensible but he's got a little room before focusing so intently on the ISA.
Perhaps he could use some encouragement to let a short period of time just unfold, maybe a couple of years?

If he has a grad job (and more than one offer too!), he has done amazingly well in this difficult, competitive job market. No one cares what his degree class is from this point on and there is little difference between achieving a first and a 2:1 in terms of which doors are open to him in future. He should stick with the job offer he has and see how it goes. He is still young and there is plenty of time to change career direction in the future including going back to study.

I changed career from being an academic to finance at age 30 and I then did a finance MSc part time funded by an employer.

Reassure him on how well he has done and many people end up on a different career path to the one they started and nothing is set in stone.

He has incredibly high standards and is being much too tough on himself - he should be very proud of what he has achieved. But that’s easy for me to say and much harder to feel

I can relate to quite a lot of this, but the pressure on people leaving uni is much higher now due to debt, and it’s even harder to find a graduate job. So he needs to be kind to himself. What would he say to a friend who felt like this?

These were my circumstances (hoping this is helpful as weirdly similar): I read PPE at Oxford; lots of people on my course went into consulting / banking and I didn’t; I missed out on a first by a whisker and was rather gutted about it; I left university just before the credit crunch so jobs were scarce; I lived at home with my parents for far longer than I meant to.

So:

• this job he’s taking doesn’t mean this has to be his career forever
• lots of people move around a lot in their 20s career wise
• he has a very good degree and it’s always easier to find a job when you’re in one already (at least while you’re young and have time to look around)
• Living at home isn’t that bad and it will get him on a more secure financial footing long-term. That said, he needs space and (while it sounds like you are a wonderful parent so maybe I don’t need to say this!) you will need to recognise he is an adult now, and needs freedom / to be treated like a well-liked adult lodger, rather than revert to the parent / child relationship.
• I would advise him that given AI, he should embrace the job he’s been offered, once he’s been there a while, he will be in a better position to move into something else and will be one notch up - ie not competing with grads for far too few entry level jobs.
• when I was feeling upset about not getting a 1st (the most first world of first world problems on reflection, but I had worked hard), the head of my college (who did get a first and became an economics professor) told me it was the best thing that could have happened go me “because now you won’t be stuck here like I was”. There’s a big world out there and he was right.

I do wonder if the biggest issue here is that his heart isn’t in the new job and he thought if he got a first, that would give him more options. But honestly no one really cares that much about what degree you got.

I would encourage him to take the job but think really hard about what he actually wants to do. A colleague of mine moved across from accountancy in her late 20s. He should make sure he puts money aside in case he wants to move into a less well paid industry

I have a DS with a 2.1 in politics and economics. He was disappointed in not getting a first but he like your son had a CS job lined up. He lived at home for two years after a flat and then a house share. He's just bought his first home at 26 in an expensive city. He felt he had enough of education after being at a formal prep school from 3. He loves learning but loves money more! I agree with pps there are few grad jobs around. He should give it a go. FWIW I've 'only' got a 2.1 from Oxford and my mother was bitterly disappointed until I became a CEO. Not easy in my industry as a woman. Jobs for the boys!

He’s about as lucky as a young man can be.

@madamovaries There is no actual debt to be repaid though. It’s contributions based on salary - so progressive payments. This worry is greatly over stated. Most student debt is written off and only the highest earners pay off their loans. My Dd did after 8 years - lower fees though. The vast majority have the loans so it’s the norm. Frankly, the better the job dc get, the better off they are and can plan a secure future.

You really find it difficult to empathise with a loving mother who’s concerned her son has lost his way a little? I’ve heard it all now

This!
Oxbridge is a bubble and there’s intense peer pressure and expectations from peers, family, friends that you’ll land the top jobs, get paid lots and life is sorted. He really is lucky and privileged to be on that trajectory but is probably comparing himself to his peers who will be going into stellar jobs with firsts. No-one will be remotely interested in his degree grade once his career is up and running.

I think he needs a good break - maybe 6 -8 weeks travelling to destress and think about his longer term future. As others have said, he should go into a house share when he starts the job so he can have some fun for a year or two.

Is his 2:1 high enough for a Masters in Ox/Cam ? As maybe he would enjoy another year or two in that environment. Does he want to do a DPhil ?
He is doing extremely well ! Early twenties can be a scary time, finally in proper adulthood, trying to start a career, not sure if it’s a good fit, it’s a tricky period for many people I think. Sometimes it’s good to not overthink things but just get some work experience as each job will help clarify what he doesn’t want as well as what he does.

I was managed by a Oxbridge grad and boy did they overthink/overdo! I may be wildly projecting but my understanding is they are pushed extremely hard and the pace can be full on. At some point, the standard of perfection has to be modified.

I'm really curious to know why this is a bad suggestion. I took a gap year before settling into a career and it was the best thing I did.

Because of the current job market.

It does feel a bit like his life has been planned out for him (whether by himself or you) and is overly concerned with money - economics because of the need for a well paid job, choosing his job/career for the same reason, living at home to fill up an ISA, in order to buy a house in a few years, no gap years, straight into work.

Most young people, even the high flying Oxbridge ones, are not living with that mindset. Most are working out a better balance between fun and fulfillment alongside being sensible and building a career. He needs to know this isn't all there is to life.

I'm not saying turn down the job because it's a tough market out there, but it sounds like he's destined for success, so it seems unnecessary to live at home to start saving right away. So what if he has fun and doesn't save anything for a year or two? In the long run it's important to have a balance.

Congrats on the degree.
Hes been in education for 18 years, known what is expected, when to get up, where to go, what to do all this time and now - he has to take control and that must be very scary for him. What if he gets it wrong?
As a mum just tell him hes doing well, take chances, be happy and you're there for him.

My son has just graduated from Edinburgh Uni with a 1.1. Has no job, applied for over 40 jobs in the last 2 weeks with very little response.
I think he feels a bit burnt out as he has been in Education since 5yrs old and now 22. He says he just wants any job for next 12 months and then either do his Masters or knuckle down and try to get a career job.
There are a lot of graduates out there who never end up working in the field they did their degrees in.

The 3 years after I graduated from Cambridge were some of the toughest of my life. I felt like I had been running safely, if rather bumpily at times, along a very well defined track and suddenly the track had run out and I had to choose for myself where I wanted to go.

If I could go back 20 years and give myself one piece of advice it would be this. Let go of the idea of track for a while. You don't even really need to know where you are going. At that age, you have plenty of chances to change direction, even if it doesn't feel like it. Your early 20s are all about trying, failing, changing your mind and learning to tolerate that so you can start to figure out how to make yourself happy.

Sounds like he might be in a similar headspace. I think anything you can do to help him feel safe with the uncertainty, like it's normal and actually healthy, will help.

Is his response based on him not getting a first? The way you’re written it feels like you feel he should have done better too. A 2:1 is amazing! (I went to Oxbridge). As a psychologist, the key is to work out what’s causing this dip for him, as we can all speculate….
can you ask him? I know that sounds simple?
a degree feels like everything right now but honestly it’s so little….

@LondonKara The ones who live in London definitely are wanting to be successful in a good career because that’s why they have moved there and are paying high rents.

No student should leave job applications until June. It’s very late in the day.

That’s a bit harsh!

He’s a young man and it’s huge transition to go from full time education into the world of work.

@BurntBroccoli But all graduates do this. He’s not unique. Everyone had to find their way for a bit and see apprehensive but anyone who has graduated from a top university can surely take that in their stride? In fact most dc do.

Why are you reviving dead threads? This was a month ago

@Boreded A month isn’t much! It’s not dead!