How can I help my son feel better after graduating?

[Theworld0]

DS is graduating from Oxbridge this year. He had a rough final year and messed up one paper, so although he has ended up with a 2:1, he feels as if he has failed somehow.
He has a decent grad job lined up in London in a finance sort of area. It should be a good career and well paid once he gets through the professional exams, though not banking/consulting money.
He just seems really flat about everything. He’ll probably live at home at first to save money, but he’s worried he’ll feel isolated from his uni friends. A few friends might flatshare not too far from us, but if he joined them he’d barely save anything for the first year or two. And tbh may be too late for him to join in anyways.
He is also constantly rethinking everything. He had a consulting offer too, but knows really that it probably wasn’t the right fit for him — he gets anxious, doesn’t love self-promotion, and I don’t think brutal hours would suit him. But he still has that “what if?” feeling, especially as lots of friends are going into consulting, banking, etc.
He did economics and is going into a finance-type job, but his real interests have always been history, politics and international relations. He keeps wondering whether he should throw it all in and do a politics master’s or try to get into something more in that world.
I’m not sure what to say to him really. I don’t want to dismiss it, but I also think he’s tired and disappointed after finals and maybe not in the best frame of mind to make big life decisions. How do I help him feel a bit more positive and less like he’s already made the wrong choices?

Oh bless him, on any measure he has done so well!! He has not failed, he has a great degree and great job!! He should have a wee rest and then start the job and if in 6 to 12 months it’s not right he can think about a master’s with some cash/maturity behind him. Nothing is set in stone now but he really has done so well!!

1. He has a 2.1 from Oxbridge.
2. He has a good job offer.
3. He can live at home and save.

He's doing great and has not failed by any measure. He should get settled into the job and can reevaluate in 9 months or so. Perhaps he will want to do a Masters or look for a flat share or possibly he will decide to think about these options in another year or two. He can still change track if he wants to but will be doing so from a strong position.

In the current job market he would be mad to turn down a good job offer in favour of incurring more debt. He can always switch tack with jobs later on.

What @Mediumred said. He’s not chained to his desk if he takes the finance job. I’d say give it a go.

Ds graduated last year and was also a bit disappointed to get a 2.i. Knowing what he had to do to get that degree class, I couldn’t help wondering if I’d done the right thing to encourage and facilitate him going to Oxbridge as opposed to other unis - it was so performatively hard. But it’s done now. He has happy memories and is doing well a year into a job that tbh he finds pretty straightforward compared to his degree.

I did encourage him to rent a room, and he has grown up enormously in that first year doing that. He’s back home now though - again, tenancies aren’t for ever. However in your son’s case I’d start off at home and regroup a bit first.

The problem is he has done Economics from Oxford/Cambridge. That is about as potentially high flying as you get.

Remind him life isn't a competition, earning loads of money is not the goal, and if he finds himself not enjoying things he can switch paths.

I think there's definitely an element of Oxbridge graduates who get 2:1s feeling like 'if I'd have gone somewhere else I would have got a first'. The kind of places he would have gone instead he would still have been surrounded by very bright students and could have got a 2:1 there as well. It's not like he'd have ended up at a low ranking University where he might have outclassed everyone.

That said I think it's natural after a period of intense work to have a feeling of slight aimlessness and worry while waiting for the next stage to begin. Give him a few days to recover but don't indulge it, just say 'yes dear' when he moans. He has done so well and has his whole life in front of him, he'll be fine.

Is he doing accountancy? If so, he can jump the tracks into banking fairly easily after qualifying if he wants to. It's a good, flexible qualification so IMO he chose well but I get that as a 21 year old it's difficult to envisage what it will be like day to day- it is a bit boring to begin with but after qualification there are so many options. Re living at home vs moving out, if he wants to move out I wouldn't personally worry too much about not saving for the first few years. There are definitely lifestyle aspects to not living with your parents that mean you likely have more fun, unless your parents are the world's most liberal. Honestly though, I kind of remember feeling the same (v similar trajectory). It was like adulthood was looming with only 4 weeks of holiday a year and this intimidating grad job on the horizon.

Forget the uni, the grade, the upcoming job etc. switching to ‘real life’ is a MASSIVE transition at that stage. I don’t think it gets discussed enough. And I Oxbridge is even further from real life than most unis. The sudden change to no long holidays long work hours etc is a shock.

has he worked whilst at uni ?

id be keeping an eye on his MH tbh. Easy to tag how he feels to his outcome etc but he may well have felt the same with a first etc.

I think he needs to find a house share and be with his peers. New graduates aren’t supposed to ‘save’ anything. It’s about being life and building up a career.

id be pushing him harder to live with friends. And id definitely not be encouraging a masters as thats just delaying the same thing.

Ive spent 30+ y in very challenging consulting roles and it’s been brutal although compensation is good. It attracts lots of people like him.

if he fancied that he could transfer into consulting later. Grad entry in my company was horrifically competitive but joining with experience was much better experience

a 2-1 from oxbridge is amazing and he needs to keep that in his vision.

good luck.

ps I think sandwich course should be mandatory these days. Makes that transition sooo much easier.

Just on the saving thing it would be easier to live out and move home if he had to vs getting used to disposable income and then suddenly renting and having nothing

Encourage him to lean into the analytical thinking he will have honed on his course and emphasise that:

'If only' is a potentially destructive phrase to be avoided. Focusing on perfect scenarios is unrealistic and leads to unhappiness.

Make the most of 'now'; adapting to the workplace will require effort - see that as the next positive challenge. Move out and experience life with others.

Consider pursuing the interest in history outside the world of work - it will provide a counterpoint to working life which is a healthy thing to do in any event.

I think all his feelings are perfectly normal. Leaving uni and going into the real world is a bigger transition than going to uni imo.
My DS is having similar feelings. His are not related to outcome of his degree but due to moving back home, starting a grad job which is in a different field to nearly all his uni friends, the reality of losing some of his independence.
Its an adjustment.
He probably just needs time. There is no need to rush in and 'solve' these issues. Just legitimise his feelings, be available and advise some distractions for this summer.

No-one needs a First, and no-one is owed a First. He was working at a 2, i level at this point in his life.

But he's only, what 21 or 22? He's got his whole life to really reach for what he wants. I "only" got a 2, i and I'm a professor, leading a multi-million pound research centre. It's not a damning sentence!

And in my day <sounding 100 years old> a 2, ii was the standard degree expectation. People who got 2, i degrees were brain boxes!

After a few months in his new job (congratulations to him) it won't make a tiny bit of difference.

Awww he’s done so well. Probably exhausted. I would just acknowledge his feelings and let some time pass. If it persists maybe counselling. Low mood is very subjective after all

If a 2.1 from Oxford is a fail this country is buggered. He will survive. I thought my life was going to be like Friends (yes I'm that old). It wasn't, but I wouldn't change anything

He is doing really well. If he were my son (I do have a son who graduated from uni and has a finance-type job) I would encourage him to begin the grad job and see how he feels after a while before making a decision. He can then decide to do a masters later on if he decides that is the right path. He just needs to remember that his life is not already set in stone - he will still have options!
With regards ro uni friends - my son's uni friends seem to be all over the place now, and yet they make it work by arranging meet ups. Sometimes he travels to meet them and sometimes they come to where he is. Not seeing each other for a while hasn't caused them to drift apart, and he has made new friends as well since leaving uni.

He needs to give himself 24 months in the job but to check in with himself (and hopefully his supportive parents) regularly (once a month?) to debrief on his feelings about it. If after 24 months he really can't take the job then do a Masters in a different field.

Are you really asking for a handhold for your poor Oxford graduate who has a job lined up for him…I’ve heard it all now.

I felt like this. Although it was 1992. Coming back to my home town to get my first graduate job after all that independence and the whole uni experience felt like a demotion in adulthood. I was homesick for Uni! Back in my childhood bedroom. I have to say it felt awful until I started my Job and started future plans

He’ll find life a lot more enjoyable if he can learn to not compare his life with others. No one is in competition with each other. What job someone else does or how much money someone else makes is completely irrelevant to him. Encourage him to stop dwelling on comparisons.

Why did he study economics if he “real” interests are three other subjects? If I were him I would take the job he’s been offered and really make a decent go of it for a year - get the experience, learn about life in the workplace, establish a social life, save some money. But also use the year to think about how to change direction into working with the subjects he’s actually interested in. Perhaps civil service/parliamentary fast stream would be a good option for him?

What he does now does not set his course for the rest of his life. I have had three successful professional careers since first graduating, all very different, switching at 30 and 48. I did a part time science degree (first degree was history) to qualify for the last one. He's got masses going for him, as others have said, try it for a year and then review. It sounds like he may be going into one of the big accountancy firms, in which case he will join a cohort of new graduates to make friends with. Also, as others have said, have a look at the civil service.

Objectively, your son is doing great.

I think it’s normal to come out of university with a sense of anomie or “the malady of the infinite”. They have had such a structured life up until this point that it’s overwhelming to have a completely open set of possibilities while at the same time feeling they can’t access anything.

He will probably feel better when work starts and he has some structure.

I have a DD the same age. I bought her this book:

https://amzn.eu/d/01jQ1tGt

She said it gave her some useful things to think about.

The author has a Ted talk which you could prescreen to decide if you approve of her message:

Finishing university and starting work is HUGE. He's been in education since he was 4 and it's what he knows and is good at. His life is changing and it's scary. But as others have said, nothing needs to be set in stone. If he were my son I'd say go and do the the job and see what happens. He may love it or hate it, or love or hate parts of it. He will almost certainly discover skills and talents he didn't know he has. He may decide to do more education, maybe a post graduate degree, maybe professional exams. The point is, he is on his own trajectory.

He’s doing great. Youth unemployment is a huge issue and hundreds of graduates apply for one job.

He is in a very positive position. My son graduated this week too and I think among him and a lot of his peers there is a general feeling of uneasiness, it was a standard path of primary to secondary to uni and they just all went with the flow with people of the same age - now it's out into the big bad world with far less structure.

It's a lot.

I wonder if part of the slump he is experiencing is simply due to this major change from being at Oxford to being at home, work versus study, etc?

Could you suggest to him that he looks at this role as something to try out for say 18 months and if at that point he doesn't feel it is for him, look at further study in a related / adjacent field. It may be he is also afraid of getting into a treadmill and not being able to find a way out of it.