How can I help my son feel better after graduating?

[Theworld0]

DS is graduating from Oxbridge this year. He had a rough final year and messed up one paper, so although he has ended up with a 2:1, he feels as if he has failed somehow.
He has a decent grad job lined up in London in a finance sort of area. It should be a good career and well paid once he gets through the professional exams, though not banking/consulting money.
He just seems really flat about everything. He’ll probably live at home at first to save money, but he’s worried he’ll feel isolated from his uni friends. A few friends might flatshare not too far from us, but if he joined them he’d barely save anything for the first year or two. And tbh may be too late for him to join in anyways.
He is also constantly rethinking everything. He had a consulting offer too, but knows really that it probably wasn’t the right fit for him — he gets anxious, doesn’t love self-promotion, and I don’t think brutal hours would suit him. But he still has that “what if?” feeling, especially as lots of friends are going into consulting, banking, etc.
He did economics and is going into a finance-type job, but his real interests have always been history, politics and international relations. He keeps wondering whether he should throw it all in and do a politics master’s or try to get into something more in that world.
I’m not sure what to say to him really. I don’t want to dismiss it, but I also think he’s tired and disappointed after finals and maybe not in the best frame of mind to make big life decisions. How do I help him feel a bit more positive and less like he’s already made the wrong choices?

Thanks everyone. Yes I think it’s the transition that’s affecting him, he’s had a very structured life so far with no gap years etc. Been studying with some of the same friends he’s had for over ten years.

Also some wobbles as he’s chosen a job which doesn’t have as many young people over a big grad scheme because of the experience it’ll give him.

Will encourage him to think of it as something to do for a year to 18 months before deciding if it’s something he wants to do long term or not.

He has thought about other careers like fast stream etc but knows the salary implications of doing so, with London ever so expensive. That was part of the reason he did economics, initially wanting before uni to head straight into finance but only recently realising he may have slightly different interests.

Sounds like he is exhausted and needs a good holiday and let his hair down before he starts being a wage slave! He's done incredibly well and has secured a job - that's massive in this current job market where so many young people will struggle this year.

He just needs to try the job, see what he thinks and if he wants to try something else then go for it. The 20s are all about new starts, mistakes and trying things out.

Careers for our kids won't be linear at all! If he's doing accountancy then he will have three years to qualify and from there can move into banking or consulting which so many people do.

Life is for living. He doesn't need the weight of the world on his shoulders at this age. I think an awesome holiday with friends is the answer right now.

I think it's probably the hardest transition they've made in their lives. Going from structured environment to structured environment to a big world where you have to create your own structure is tough. I agree with the pps who are saying encourage him to only look ahead by a year or two. Lots of things can change. He might love what he's doing, he might want to transition to something different, he might want to do a post-grad degree, but it will come into clearer focus given a little time. I know quite a few excellent lawyers who took a similar path, by the way.

I know this won't be popular on here, but does he absolutely need to save for the next year or two? I think it can be really beneficial to live with their mates at this point, so home is a soft landing rather place than a comfortable prison. If that makes any sense?

The summer I left Oxford was terrible for me for similar reasons and I didn't have a grad job offer.

At this point he's possibly still exhausted and needs a break from having to do long term thinking.

His friendships are going to change but that will eventually work out to be ok. I imagine he's got WhatsApp/Signal groups for different groups of friends or they all use some of the same bits of the internet to stay in touch with each other.

The thing for you to do now is remember you're now living with another adult and think about how you're going to live together companionably because it could be for some years. He will want the freedom to come home at 2am occasionally. You will want to know if you're cooking dinner for him or not etc. Expectations that were appropriate for him as an older teenager may no longer fit.

It makes sense for him to try the job and see how it goes.

It may make sense for him to take the Masters part time but not starting at the same time as the new job to avoid being overloaded with info.

It may make sense for him to plan a gap year style trip/ chunk of time for next summer or the one after - a good employer may be willing to grant an unpaid sabbatical.

It makes sense for him to join a Trade Union.

It may also make sense for him to spend some time on his LinkedIn profile or anything else similar that's industry related.

Living back at home, facing a job in finance and yet more exams would leave a lot of people feeling a bit flat. If he likes the job, he'll start to feel a bit better. If he doesn't like the job he'll probably leave and try something new. Neither are bad outcomes.

Remind him that whatever he chooses now doesn’t mean it’s forever. If he eventually wanted to go do a politics masters and pursue that his working history in finance would actually be great help to him. Few people want politicians who have only ever done politics because they lack real world experience.

Im 31 and one year into a healthcare degree because I did 10 years of journalism and wanted out. Nothing is set in stone. Life is flexible.

He sounds like a lovely thoughtful and talented young man. It's not easy that time after graduating and feeling flat at this time is a known phenomenon. Did he study pure economics? If he isn't sure, he could either do th agrdauate job for a couple of years and then do a masters maybe at a London uni or do the masters now. I'd let him move in with friends and encourage to do the grad job, and with some growing up and life experience her may have clearer path plus work experience.

Has he had any careers advice? I think it's worth paying for some decent careers advice/coaching, but perhaps once he's tried the job for a year or so first.

Where does one find a good career coach?

Maybe if he knew how jealous I am he would feel better!

@Theworld0. Have you actually looked at the odds of getting into
the Civil Service fast stream? Significantly worse than getting into Oxbridge. Oxford helps but other aspects of his background might not.

If he’s interested in politics, he certainly doesn’t need a masters. He needs to join a party and get on with learning about politics by doing something. Getting involved is the best way in. He should then network and be indispensable! My friends DS did a masters in politics and got a job after a year and it was minimum wage. Nothing linked to the masters. Don’t do it. These young people are two a penny. Having a skill learned at work is so much better.

There are other jobs. Do 2 years and start looking. He might even like where he is but I’d encourage him to not think the grass is greener in politics. It isn’t and it’s who you know - so get networking!

Plus, I’m really sorry, but he needs a head swivel about the 2:1! Honestly! Other elite unis are full of very very bright Oxbridge rejects. He’s not a shoe in for a first. It’s a bit off he thinks he’s more deserving and better than other dc. Work might make him a bit more grounded.

Ok it’s a hard transition but I agree with others that he’s objectively doing very well.

I’d strongly encourage him to consider a house share with friends. These are not the years we he needs to be focused on saving. Especially if he’s worried about a lack of fellow grads at his company, he’ll benefit from living with friends, joining in the their expanding social circles and cutting loose. If he doesn’t economically need to live at home he shouldn’t. I’d say this is especially true of Oxbridge graduates as it’s such a cosseted environment.

Gently steer him away from a masters. That’s what people do if they’re panicking about unemployment.

He should try this for a few years, preferably long enough to bank the qualifications. If it’s really not for him he can then pivot, but he’ll benefit enormously from a solid professional base. If he’s interested in politics there are loads of ways to be involved with making it a full time job.

This. Great that he has a job but there are other options to consider. No need to do accountancy training and exams at all if it's not for him. He could work and travel instead. Be young and free for a bit.

my god he must have had a heavy pressure on him to feel disappointed in that. I’d encourage him to go for the flat share; doesn’t matter about saving for now. He needs his friends around. He has years ahead to be sensible with money.

I think leaving uni is a hard transition and a lot of people struggle. He doesn't have to make perfect decisions, he may want to change careers at some point - he's got the rest of his life to figure things out. But it often doesn't feel that way

Tell him not to overthink the job. Try it out to see if he likes the world of finance, if not he’s got plenty of time to do a masters.

Personally I’d encourage him to live with friends, going back to live with parents is dismal and it’s very important to start adulting and keep up your social life.

Not necessarily. If he’s been performing at 1st level and messed up an exam of course he will be disappointed if he feels he didn’t do himself justice.

I’d strongly encourage him to consider a house share with friends. These are not the years we he needs to be focused on saving. Especially if he’s worried about a lack of fellow grads at his company, he’ll benefit from living with friends, joining in the their expanding social circles and cutting loose. If he doesn’t economically need to live at home he shouldn’t.

Agreed. Even if he would save some money from living at home, there are more important things at this age, and if he has a good job he will progress and be able to save for a deposit.

Send him off to France or America for six weeks. To expand his horizons and gain some real world experience before joining the real world. He has done well already, he'll see that when he is out in the world

Your son has done brilliantly - but blimey, he really needs to check his privilege! He quite obviously has supportive parents, had a mostly good uni experience, has a brilliant degree result (2:1 is fine from
any decent Uni, let alone Oxbridge!), he has a job lined up (many, many graduates don’t), he can choose to live at home to save if he wants to…. He can afford to choose to change his career path should he wish to (because he can live at home if he wants). What a freaking lucky bloke.

@Quizzled Fast stream is unbelievably hard to get into! The stats are awful! If he’s disappointed with a 2:1, he’s got awful odds of getting into the Fast Stream. I also think dc take economics thinking they do want the very high salaries. When some dc get there, it’s not as great as they think in terms of job satisfaction. He will have seen ultra high flyers at Oxford but there are so many alternatives once he starts work. A first job doesn’t define you.

He’s done well and should be proud.
However, what is he saving for? He should move into London with his mates and have a couple of years enjoying himself and establishing his career and find out if what he has chosen is what he really wants to do long term.
Both my DC living their best life in London, still managing holidays and at the same time establishing their careers.
They have more than 40 years of work ahead of them so need to make the most of it now.
The job he will be doing now might not be what he will be doing in 5 years time.

Seems to me this is the stage where you stop worrying about making him feel better. He needs to learn to do that himself.
He seems smart and capable, and it's perfectly reasonable to want to re-think his choices.
And I wouldn't worry that if he moves in as a roommate he won't save much for a year or two. That's not something he should be worrying about at that age.

He’s saving I guess to buy in his late 20s early 30s/ fill up the ISA. I think he’s worried that moving out plus doing exams plus working might be a bit much, only recently been thinking it may be a good idea. But yes it’s a good idea for him to figure out what he wants to do.

It's quite common for graduates to feel down after graduation. It's a recognised 'thing'. They have been focused on their degree for three years, and then suddenly that focus has gone. It happened to DS, so he got an appointment with his GP who prescribed antidepressants. They really helped.