Hoping you can give me some balance

[Catmadlady12]

My son is in his first year at Uni and I find it so frustrating and annoying that his focus seems to be the social side rather than actually studying. I know I will get a list of comments from people about how they spent three years partying etc etc which I accept but it bugs me that I’m paying a lot of money on what seems like a long party. Am I the only one that gets frustrated and how do I manage this because it’s very much impacting on my relationship with him as I’m resenting him spending my money. Should also say that fist lot of essays came back with a 2:2 and he thinks, I quote, worked his arse off. How can you be when you are getting in at 3am and rocking up at lectures hungover and tired.

Good advice, thank you

Also some words of reassurance. My son bombed his a levels-didn’t want to see his friends who were all celebrating. Didn’t want sympathy for his disappointment-it was a dreadful day. He missed out on his uni. However, they took him on a foundation year. In the end, he graduated with a first, then did a research masters in Stem and got a distinction. But university was great for him. He went from being a kid who never wanted to leave his bedroom unless it was to watch GOT, a kid who I used to fret about to finding his people, joining societies, enjoying parties and making g lots of friends. University is more than grades-I’m sure he will take on feedback from his lecturers and learn to improve his essays. 2.2 in year one isn’t the end of the world-it’s giving him early feedback on where he is now. But on the good side, he’s not sitting in his room struggling to make friends and enjoy life. My friend’s son was homesick and lonely the whole 4 years of his degree. Poor kid.

I think you probably need to unclench a bit but appreciate it’s hard.

This is his first taste of freedom, let him have some fun and hopefully he’ll calm down by the next year.

I’m surprised so many people saying that although you are paying 6k per year for it, you shouldn’t expect any kind of ROI - personally I would like to know vaguely that my dc are putting some graft in - it’s quite a lot of money that parents are meant to provide and I’d be a bit pissed off if one of mine did no work at all. I only have one at university at the moment and she is partying hard but also working hard, I think my other dc who starts in September will be less hardworking and I don’t really want to spend the best part of 20k for her to do no work at all and come out with a crap degree class. I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks this?

OP I’m sure he will knuckle down a bit in yr 2. I did no work at all in my first year and got a 2:1 in the end (but it was free then so my parents didn’t care either way)

Most students did this - it is a part of being out of the house for the first time and having complete freedom. It is supposed to be the best time and would be really sad for him to not experience this at his age (gets it out of his system).

I was silly and moved in with a serious boyfriend at university, and missed the crazy years that I could have had. It would be too sad now to do this at 45 years old.

Anyway, one year of partying (but working enough to pass the end of year exams), and the next two years are more serious and most people calm down for that.

I do agree with what you’re saying and agree I would be gutted if he was sitting in his room sad - I think I was just looking for a glimmer of making the most of the academia but I can’t measure him against me being a geek.

I think we might be in the minority …..

Well is suppose the alternative is on him

You’re right - there is always an alternative …..happy for your son ❤️

…. Also, a 2:2 isn’t too bad for someone who is running a little sleep and probably half drunk for lessons. It can only get better from here.

I don’t believe this ‘first year is for fun’ bullocks. Having seen so many people fail their first year or have to do resits in August - that’s not fun.
Plus any ambition to do an internships? My DD got one in her first year and needed a reference. Her academic performance directly tied in to that. She’s now got another internship for the summer term (paid) on the back of last summers internship. She’s had time to edit a section of the newspaper, be the Student Volunteer Coordinator, is in the Debating Society, Bridge Club blah blah so is not just glued to her books.
I really think that, for sure, freshers and maybe up to end of first term get the partying all hours out of their system then (wo)man up and aim to get the best marks and degree classification possible.
But if they don’t? While you can express a certain amount of concern and perhaps rethink your financial contribution in future but it’s down to them to grow up and take responsibility (and the consequences) of their actions. Or lack of.

Love this - thank you !

I mean there is that

Exactly the same problem and it’s driving me mad. I feel like I’m funding a party. I agree that making friends, socialising etc is important but why can’t he focus on that and uni work? Unlike yours mine doesn’t attend all his lectures. He then expects me to be guarantor on his house next year when I am not sure there’s a realistic prospect of him even getting through year 1. Why should I take that risk?. I’ve threatened to withdraw financial support but I don’t really want him to come home because finding a decent job is likely to be very very difficult. I am at my wits end with it.

But it is possible to be a geek and have fun. It’s balance. Sadly my son doesn’t get it.

Completely agree. I don’t see why I should work to fund a party lifestyle when he can’t be bothered. The loans these days are so poor nobody can go to uni without parental support and they ought to appreciate we don’t actually have to fund this.

If you're funding a "party" lifestyle then can I suggest you are giving him too much money? Perhaps fund enough for basics, and suggest that he gets a job (during the summer if not possible due to lack of jobs/course demands in term time) to fund the socialising? He may well feel differently about how much partying he does if he is paying for it himself.

Ha - we’ve just started to have this conversation. I think my position is going to be that he needs to pay the deposit and contribute - I think if he’s got enough cash to party this often then he can help out with the bills and food. Also good for him to manage money better. Although I’ve decided to ignore, and they look like they have been removed (thank you admin) the more aggressive posts, this thread has helped me balance my own thoughts and define what I’m actually annoyed about it. I think for me it’s a) opportunity lost for him - he’s bright and has an amazing opportunity that not everyone can afford. If he wants to have a Law training contract then he needs to get the academic results but also bulk out his CVs beyond attending lectures b) Appreciate the opportunity he’s been given - this is not money that we’ve got hanging around and unlike when I was young, this is not free. We saved for him to max out on the university opportunity which of course includes partying but I do expect the first focus to be on his studies and future career (maybe wrongly but we all have expectations). However as others have said, he’s young and this is a learning. And I also need to protect myself (and our relationship) to not let it eat away at me :). I’m also reassured by the Uni tutors on here and parents that have been there and got the t-shirt that I hope it comes out in the wash.

We are paying his accommodation and he is using his loan (minimum payment) for all sustenance and socialising. Exactly the same as most of his friends get.

It's tricky because students who get the minimum loan rely on their parents to fund them at uni. Although they are adults, they are still dependants.

So parents may feel they have a stake in how their adult DC spend their time at uni because they're paying for it.

Whereas a student who gets the maximum loan and has a part-time job (i.e. no parental contribution) is financially independent at uni. If they mess up their degree, that's on them. They'll be paying back their (large) loans until their 60s irrespective of how well they do in their degree, but are not accountable to their parents. (My niece is in this position. Her parent pays nothing towards her uni - it's all covered by full loan and her part-time wages in a cheap city).

So OP - I guess it's a case of figuring out how much say you feel it is reasonable to have over what your DS does at uni, given that you've saved so hard to send him there but that he's an adult who makes his own decisions.

I don't think there is any easy answer. You sound like a very caring mum though who just wants the best for your DS.

I’m writing this as someone whose DD is going in September to uni and I totally get your frustration, uni is a lot of money for us parents these days and can be a huge financial sacrifice for some so it’s understandable to feel a bit miffed if you feel that money is being wasted. However.. I have to tell you that my biggest fear at the moment is that she will not find her people and will be miserable, and that far outweighs whether or not she will study hard and get the most out of it. So id say you are winning with a son who can clearly make friends and socialise. So yes allow yourself to be miffed but also take a moment to be thankful that he is happy and has found his people.

Its first year, chill. This is part of the experience. My son was exactky the same. Now he's in final year, says clubs are boring and basically lives at the library. Let him go through the process and grow up, ready to be a diligent professional. That is actually what university is about

My DD spent her whole 1st year partying and doing very little work. She scraped through. As PP have said 1st year marks don't count. She pulled herself together a bit more in 2nd year and did a bit better and finally got it together in final year and managed a 2:1 amazingly. She does say she regrets not working harder in 2nd year and getting a 1st. I think they find their way. She's now travelling the world almost 2 years post graduation working and saving so I don't think shes ever gonna take life too seriously. I was quite stressed at the time so I get it but they have to learn.

Just because first-year marks don’t count towards your final degree classification doesn't mean they are useless. I’m curious how anyone expects to achieve a 2:1 or a First if they have a shaky foundation from a poor first year—unless, of course, the course is poorly designed.
I’ve noticed a real contradiction in the discussions nearby: on other thread, there is an Oxford Mum worried that her DC is being pushed to breaking point; here we have a thread celebrating and encouraging the party lifestyle and indulging in the new-found freedom of adulthood.
Isn't it ironic?

Is that really true? I find that so sad. My YP is having a fantastic time, socialising but is still going to lectures (admits they've slept in for a couple) and trying to get good grades. Maybe helped by having catered and shared bathrooms!!

Maybe the en-suite bathrooms are what makes it hard - didn't use to exist!