Hoping you can give me some balance

[Catmadlady12]

My son is in his first year at Uni and I find it so frustrating and annoying that his focus seems to be the social side rather than actually studying. I know I will get a list of comments from people about how they spent three years partying etc etc which I accept but it bugs me that I’m paying a lot of money on what seems like a long party. Am I the only one that gets frustrated and how do I manage this because it’s very much impacting on my relationship with him as I’m resenting him spending my money. Should also say that fist lot of essays came back with a 2:2 and he thinks, I quote, worked his arse off. How can you be when you are getting in at 3am and rocking up at lectures hungover and tired.

Party life aside, first year is about discovering if your note taking, understanding and essay writing is where you want it to be. I think the one thing he needs to reflect on is why he got 2:2 on each essay. It doesn't matter that he thinks he worked hard if he is getting that grade. What does he want to come out with at the end? 2:1 or a first? There is no grade curve so nothing is stopping him getting a higher grade.

Ds was getting firsts and high 2:1s in first year but then got a 3rd on on exam module which completely threw him. What he did was used his lecturer's office hours to go and ask for more clarification on the feedback which he got. This meant he could correct his next essay moving forward.

Is he attending lectures in person? Even when it is pouring with rain?

I would be glad he is making friends and going out. Uni is very different these days, when we went there was no real entertainment in your room, you had to go out to find it. Whereas now with online lectures, Netflix and other streaming services you don't really have to leave your room. Ds is living in a flat with a bloke who orders all his food in, doesn't even cook.

Ds's uni is 50/50 split for second and third year grades. My eldest was 40/60 for years 2 and 3.

Would you prefer him to be stuck in his room studying all the time? Try to let your focus be to enjoy listening to him talk about his experiences rather than tutting. He will be well aware that he needs to pass his first year then try harder-it’s a year of finding their feet and finding their people. My dd did cheerleading, constant partying and sports socials, failed her first year exams, swapped courses, carried on her fantastic social life, worked in a bar. Graduated with a 2.1, her people skills are fantastic and she’s now regional manager on 50k at 26. She doesn’t look back and wish she’d stayed in her room.

You can’t give you’re children money and then resent what they are doing. I helped my older two with what I could . Travel costs , phone contract and a monthly shop. I gave what I was comfortable to give . Then it was up to them to do their bit and experience uni their way . You help because you want to and I don’t see the point of holding it above his head .
the youth should have a balance between going out and studying . It’s his first year , it’s part of his learning how to manage life . At the end of the day it’s his life . You can guide and offer advice but that’s it .
if you weren’t sending him money would you feel the same ?

Thank you so much for your balanced comments and needed to hear this. He is so desperate todo well and was so disappointed with his A levels and not getting into the Uni he wanted that I’m worrying he will be disappointed at the end of the three years - does that make sense? He is also bright and frustrates me when he does not use his brain - if only I was so smart ! I think added to this I’m trying to find my new role. There is also a safety worry for my about drinking so much but all survive…..

Solidarity - I also have a first year DC who is living large and not excelling academically. She's always been used to being able to cram last minute for exams successfully, and I think the greater depth required at university will take some getting used to.

Obviously we'd all like our DC to be having a marvellous time and getting firsts on every assignment, but if I had to pick one over the other I'd go for being happy. From my recollection lots of students in the first year (not Mumsnetters' children though ) don't even submit a big chunk of the work, so if he's turning everything in he will be on a better footing than some.

For my DC they have summer exams to pass the first year, and then everything else rests on the final year. So actually she's fine where she is - a 2:2 is enough for now. Hopefully your DS is in a similar position!

Mine struggled socially at first and I am delighted he is now getting out and about a bit more. Uni is still about growing up as well as academic studies. If he's feeding himself, has movedp to a new city and made a new social life from scratch, has the confidence to turn up to lectures and engage in seminars there is lots to celebrate and it's not all negated by a 2:2. I think it's probably a healthier and more stable foundation than better marks and hiding in his room.

We have always said to DS that he is there to learn, not to show off what he has already mastered. How boring would that be! He was getting Ds at this stage of Y12 and ended up with As.

Totally get that frustration that they think they are working hard when it doesn't look that way to you! But in the bigger picture they are handling a lot.

What is he studying?

From a personal perspective, uni seems to have changed so much since I went. I did geography, and my first year involved longer hours than I had during A levels - I was in lectures 9-5 except Wednesday.
These days, certainly most non- stem degrees, they only have about 10 hrs. That leaves an awful lot of empty space. Even with self-study, reading and prep work. Both mine became pretty nocturnal during uni. And social life is really important in the first year. It seems to calm down a lot once they move out of halls.

Looking back, I wish I had had more fun at uni.

OP,
It seems that your concerns are more about him not using his potential and wasting the opportunities in front of him and that he himself might regret it later, but might be too late by then.

And I guess you will feel this way, even if you weren't paying for the course?

You say that he was disappointed at his A levels and not getting into his Uni of choice, did you have a chat about it, at that time? Worth reminding him of that, should things not change.

He is an adult and he will need to find his way and balance. You can only signpost things to consider.

It's possible to have a social life and "work your arse off". Why do you believe he is not doing this?

It's also very normal for subjects involving essay writing to have lower grades initially as the students get used to the new expectations, particularly those for academic writing.

My (hard working, but also with social life) DD was getting 2:2s at this point of the first year; a year later (with no particular increase in effort) she's getting a mix of 2:1s/1s. (She time shifts days when she is up late, so she is working later in the day).

I also think it's worth considering that you are probably not getting a balanced report of his life. Of course he will be telling you about all the fun bits - what he's done, where he's been.
Telling you he has sat in a lecture room for 2 hours, or spent a couple of hours reading to prep for an essay aren't going to be top of his list for chats with his mum!

At a pre enrolment meeting one of our lecturers told us the first year is for partying.

You only need to pass (at most universities) and your degree classification depends on the last two years.

I think you know you can't make him behave how you want.

The only solution here is you let go, you need to find self-discipline to stop thinking about his choices.

fwiw, my so dropped out of Uni 15 months in because he saw no point, people weren't going to lectures and he felt that he wasn't learning anything. Also; he had no social life so there was nothing to keep him. That decision WAS expensive. We had to pay for 6m of unused accommodation & tuition fees because UCAS loans stop the minute they drop out.

If my son had made friends, maybe he would have finished degree, he'd have something for all that expense.

My middle one was similar. Annoyed me as he’s the naturally smartest of my 3. I went for a nudge approach. Sometimes it failed eg Me: don’t you need good 1st year grades for a year abroad/placement? DC: not planning a year abroad. However other nudges seem to work eg mentioning older siblings friends who were struggling in job market with 3rds or had been successful with internships/jobs (mentioning more the money and what they were doing with it as my DC likes a holiday/nice tech/car). Turned out fine. Got his head down a bit more in final year and got a solid 2:1 and a job he’s happy with (likes the money and the hours). Still a party boy.

I had similar worries about my DS in 1st year. He's not a big drinker/party goer but I did begin to think I was just funding sport and other hobbies. I'd get regular updates on this week's matches, what he'd done at such and such society, what gigs he'd been to and lots of scenic photos of the latest mountain he'd climbed. But questions about his course were always brushed off with "It's fine". I was glad he was having a good time and making the most of what University life and his new location had to offer but I was a bit concerned whether any work was actually being done! In fact he did really well in his first year exams so clearly he was doing enough. But it didn't excite him like all the other stuff so he didn't tell me about it. The first year was all fairly generic, laying the foundation for what comes later and he found it mostly straightforward but not particularly exciting. He was doing what he needed to but he didn't see it as conversation worthy.
Second year has been a whole different kettle of fish. Yes, he is still doing sports and hobbies but not in the same quantity and he is much more engaged with his course. Now I am getting excited calls about exam results and blow by blow accounts of his latest project.
First year is the first experience of independent living for most young people and with so many things competing for their time it's not surprising that study isn't always their top priority or their favourite topic of conversation even if they are doing it. Give it time OP.

Thank you - helpful reflections

Thank you - I know I’m worrying and others on the thread would have a very different approach (all legitimate) but thank you for your balanced words

Thank you - and reassuring not just me !

Thank you and that’s exactly it ….put so much better than me. It’s the opportunity lost I worry about.

it is very common ( I have had all 5 of my children at university). For my career (law) every mark in every module even in year 1 of your degree goes on application forms so year 1 does matter but that is not the case with all jobs. Most people apply for jobs before they graduate and before they have their final degree marks so A level grades and year 1 and 2 grades are what you may well be supplying.

Not avoiding but trying to get through all the comments and assumes did t have to answer all (but not posted before). He is in Halls and works one day at the weekend.

Funny enough he is studying Law so did know this …….