Hoping you can give me some balance

[Catmadlady12]

My son is in his first year at Uni and I find it so frustrating and annoying that his focus seems to be the social side rather than actually studying. I know I will get a list of comments from people about how they spent three years partying etc etc which I accept but it bugs me that I’m paying a lot of money on what seems like a long party. Am I the only one that gets frustrated and how do I manage this because it’s very much impacting on my relationship with him as I’m resenting him spending my money. Should also say that fist lot of essays came back with a 2:2 and he thinks, I quote, worked his arse off. How can you be when you are getting in at 3am and rocking up at lectures hungover and tired.

Because he tells me - he seems very proud !

I’m not a parent but I do understand how you’d find it annoying. How much are you paying for him? And what are you paying - ie tuition fees and living costs, or a mix of both?

You’re being ridiculous. First year grades do not count towards your final marks and he’s passing anyway. Did you not go to uni yourself? It’s more than lectures and once given it’s HIS money to do as he pleases with.

Living costs but he does work so that pays for the partying. It’s not the money in itself it’s the waste of opportunity.

But it’s not his money is it …..as explained £6k is my money. And yes I did go and I had a much better balance.

I’m hoping he finds the balance like you did

I'm a uni lecturer and this is fairly standard. I would expect the whole 'wild party animal' thing to calm down for second year as he matures a bit.

I think he’s disillusioned on working hard …he did ok in A levels (BBB), should have done better.

He is an adult, you need to let him make his choices. I’d be thrilled if my adult child was socialising though. I work in HE and a vast proportion are not, they are locking themselves away and not socialising at all (or attending on campus). We really struggle to get them to mingle. If he is actually living uni life that is to be applauded. It is not just about results, it’s having something space to grow intellectually but also socially.

First year is for fun. Year 2 & 3 matter. He will find his peers knuckle down.

This is reassuring. He’s desperate todo well but it’s the illusion he has that he will just get a 1st by rocking up up to lectures (and to be fair he does that).

No and you’re right and hence my post of asking for balance but can’t change my frustration at the cost.

Once you give someone money or anything else it isn’t yours. Your son is an adult. You’ve obviously agreed to giving him the money. What on earth are you doing policing how he spends it.

Thank you - I needed to hear this …..although I still find it annoying that I’m paying £6k for partying (I know I should move on)

As the previous poster has said, at least he is socialising. Would you feel better if he sat in his room working while you worried about him being on his own all the time. The first year away is so much more than about the academic side of things.

This is my experience too. So very many are really really struggling to mix at all at university. I have friends from all walks of life desperately worried about their young adults who seem so very lonely and isolated.

I think what I expected was a better balance of some socialising but also making the most of the opportunities provided on campus - and maybe that is wrong to judge on how I managed my first year.

If he's turning up to lectures he's showing true dedication compared with a lot of students. Attendance has declined hugely since covid, and it's a real worry. A lot of students seem to think if lectures are available online they really don't need to turn up.
I think I'd cut him some slack at this point. If he doesn't calm down by second year, then it would be time for serious words to be had.
(In addition to being a lecturer I also have a son in first year so I feel your pain)

Reading back I do get why you would say that (should have said predicted higher). I do find his attitude frustrating