Daughter does not want to return to University

[Rina1971]

Dropped daughter at Uni last weekend she dismissed us so all good. Day 2 lots of tears and so it went on. By day 4 she was unwell but said she was going out and an hour later another call to say could I talk to her till she slept. At 3am she calls clearly unwell probably Freshers flu, chatted till she settled. Next morning she is not online without fail she is usually up by 9am but nothing. I panic call security in her halls and they do a welfare check finding her with a high temp and delirious. After a check at medical centre I bring her home, she cried and cried calling me "Mummy" and wanting hugs. We talk a lot and she tells me she cannot return, that she hates being away and just wants to be home. To give some context she cried for two weeks before Uni asking nto stay but I persuaded her to try. Now I am so conflicted she is asking my advice but clearly it is her decision. She has missed swim trials which was so important to her but is clearly too unwell.

How does she normally cope with being unwell at home? Is she normally pretty independent or does she always need quite a bit of support and reassurance?

How far away is the Uni from home? Any chance of commuting for a bit until she makes some friends and feels more confident to stay away from home?

Given she was very upset before starting and is now ill I would honestly say withdraw this year - before fees are due,
Take time out and assess what she wants to do going forward. At this point living away from home isn’t working and is causing her huge amounts of stress.
There’s no shame, and actually it can be courageous to say I don’t want to do this right now.

Hi she has always needed reassurance. Worked away last Summer in Spain but called home for tummy aches and mild sun stroke. Uni is 1.5 hours on the train. Still very unwell ATM so cannot contemplate commute or supported return.

Would she try til Christmas? If you can get an agreement that if she’s unhappy by Christmas perhaps she could reapply to Unis closer to home so she can commute?
Hopefully that’ll be enough time to settle in.

Can she transfer to a university close to home and remain at home, it would break her into uni at a more staggered pace and she can always live away from home once she’s made friends and settled in maybe year 2

Yes I am conscious of the fee issue and it's real. She has just had a year out working so is worrying about being very much older but my hunch is to say ' this is not you' and ' stay home''

No real advice I’m afraid but we’re in similar situation - DS wants to come home after less than a week. We’ve said he has to give it more time but I’m going to visit him today.

Reason we’re saying to give it more time is that we know of so many friends’ children who were similar and ended up loving it - some were happy after a couple of weeks, some took longer.

Don’t suppose you know any slightly older students who have been through similar and can share their experiences?

But of course harder for you as she’s already back home - I am slightly worried that today he will try to insist I take him home.

I’d ask her to at least try until Christmas, however I had one that came home after a week. Uni wasn’t right for him, he got a job instead and was happy.

Hoping this can be an option. There are two within walking distance and if she can recoup halls then she could do halls here

I wanted to come home and was also poorly in my first few weeks and had to come home. I got a give it till Christmas. I stayed and uni was some of the best years of my life.

Just edited to add as saw someone’s comment, I found those that commuted in never really made uni friends, and I don’t know of any one on my course who moved out of home after making uni friends. Might just be my experience but they integrated in the day and maybe did a few nights out but they didn’t have the closeness that you get from living away. Also people i was friends with at home who went to a local uni didn’t have the close university friendships I do believe it changes the experience. It depends if she wants the degree only or an all round experience in my opinion

I think a year out would be helpful. She can assess wether she actually wants to go to uni, it is too expensive these days to go if your hearts not in it. She can have a proper think about wether she wants to live out or find a closer uni. She can try to find some work which will give her experience in her chosen field and might help her build a bit of resilience. It's not her fault she got poorly but the tears before even starting are the real problem here, she should have been nervously excited not distraught.

Yes sensible but financially not ideal

Much harder now she is back. She has lots of good links there but is isolated in her flat. Sorry to hear about your son it's so hard on them and us.

If it helps, my DD took 2 years out before starting uni and was pleased to discover that lots of people had done similar and had at least 1 year out. She had a blast at uni and engaged really well with the lecturers as she was that little bit older and more confident.
By contrast, her 2 brothers went straight from school, so I have seen both sides work very well.

The age doesn't matter AT ALL. It being the right time is far more important. She's going to take a while to recover from such a nasty illness and this semester is going to be a bit of a wash out. Help her see the value in deferring another year and then she can decide whether to go to the same uni or somewhere closer to home. Missing out on the first couple of weeks will make it so much harder to settle, so it really is in her interests to let it go for this year. This advice comes from a mum of two uni students and a university lecturer.

Most of the young people around here commute to the local uni she would not be on a limb

Taking an extra year out is only going to be to her advantage. Honestly the difference in terms of confidence and independence is huge, but in terms of her appearance, no one is going to guess she's a year or two older than them and they are not going to care. As another PP said, there will be others.

When I started Uni I was 19 and turned 20 in the first term. Absolutely no one cared. This year my DD is 17 and starting and will turn 18 in the first term. She is absolutely ready for it, I wasn't.

Oh the poor love!!! My advice would be for her to withdraw for this year and either try again next autumn or transfer somewhere nearer. Remember uni is supposed to be fun not a punishment.

My DD had an awful first year at her uni, struggled with her mental health and finally quit a term into her second year (moving from halls to a student house didn’t fix the problem). I wish we had encouraged her to quit straightaway rather than struggle on.

My daughter really struggled last year, she loved living out but is very anxious and it’s all centred around lectures, I’ve paid a fortune in therapy and the first day she got in and since then she can’t do it. I want her to drop out too as it’s clearly not for her but she loves the uni life she just doesn’t love uni.
there is such a huge push from schools that uni is everything and I really worry about the debt and the day to day cost to families.
I guess you have to let your daughter to decide it does sound like she’s be happier at home. Are you tied in to paying for accommodation until the end of the year though?

I was your DD 20 years ago, I started at a big uni hours from home and hated it, everything from day one felt so intrinsically like a huge mistake. I came home a week later. I do remember a few raised eyebrows but fortunately my lovely mum was on my side and that was all I cared about.

I worked for a year, went travelling for a bit, then a year later started at a much smaller uni closer to home (but I still lived out, felt ready by then) and i LOVED it. Had a smashing 3 years.

One of DH's closest uni friends from his little gang is 5 years older than the rest of them, it just took him longer to decide what to do. You'd never guess looking at them all.

Your DD is an adult now so I think you need to let her make the decision here. If she wants to come home, let her.

Most of the time i completely forget about that random week i spent at a different uni!

Poor girl. That's rotten luck to get ill so early on. How long do you have to decide with regards to fees? Ideally I'd be telling her to not make any decisions while she's so unwell. Just focus on getting better and then decide.

My friend works at a university in London and said that this year, they have a lot of first years who have already gone home. She says they seem a lot more dependent, emotionally and otherwise. I know there was one boy who within a week, it was clearly he didn't have the practical skills to live alone in halls.

I think that it is really important to teach young people the importance of resilience and giving things a little more time .
I was miserable when I started university. My mother convinced me to give uni a few more months and I ended up loving it .
I honestly think that some young people should not be in a rush to attend university .
I encouraged dd1 to take a gap year because I could see that she was not ready. She ended up taking another year off ( as she didn’t want to start uni during the height of Covid)
She went to university at the age of twenty and thrived . Absolutely loved it

She recently graduated with a first class degree

I was miserable when l started university, l stuck it out until Easter. Nothing changed.

I then got a transfer to Manchester (an hour away from my home )

Completely different experience. Thought l’d died and gone to heaven.

I wish ld transferred earlier and not stuck it out. Everything about it was wrong.

DD1 really struggled first term - she also had several illnesses, so brought her home for a week to recover, lots of back and forth and she eventually did settle, but the difference I think was that she wanted to keep trying?

Really tricky as your DD is still ill, so making decisions when you're feeling rubbish isn't the best time, but what does she think about the local uni option?