Daughter does not want to return to University

[Rina1971]

Dropped daughter at Uni last weekend she dismissed us so all good. Day 2 lots of tears and so it went on. By day 4 she was unwell but said she was going out and an hour later another call to say could I talk to her till she slept. At 3am she calls clearly unwell probably Freshers flu, chatted till she settled. Next morning she is not online without fail she is usually up by 9am but nothing. I panic call security in her halls and they do a welfare check finding her with a high temp and delirious. After a check at medical centre I bring her home, she cried and cried calling me "Mummy" and wanting hugs. We talk a lot and she tells me she cannot return, that she hates being away and just wants to be home. To give some context she cried for two weeks before Uni asking nto stay but I persuaded her to try. Now I am so conflicted she is asking my advice but clearly it is her decision. She has missed swim trials which was so important to her but is clearly too unwell.

I would let her withdraw now before fees are due.

God bless them. My DS (200 miles away)was on the phone the other night fretting and anxious. It’s the end of the freshers week. They’ll all knackered and unwell and reality has hit. They’ll be fine by November.

OP, your poor DD. She’s had a real setback hasn’t she. Would it be feasible for her to come home at weekends just to break up the week for the time being until she feels less anxious. Once she gets into her routine and makes friends, she will be fine.

I haven’t rtft so apologies if this has already been said, but if she stays past the date fees are paid she will not have enough student finance to restart somewhere else and you’ll need to pay first year yourselves.

Can she suspend studies to get over her illness and once recovered, really assess what she wants to do?

there is the issue of accommodation cost to consider also. It’s easier to fill a contract earlier in the year.

Transferring to a closer uni and living at home sounds like a good option for her. Trying until Christmas is good advice but with fees being so expensive these days it’s really not financially ideal.
She is still young and if it’s not right for her there’s no point being miserable.

Also tell her not to worry at all about being a little older, so many take gap years these days or transfer courses and all sorts. For various reasons I ended up starting my undergrad degree at 20 and I didn’t feel older really, there were people older than me on the course.

Exactly the same thing happened with my daughter last year including the illness. She had wanted a gap year but we encouraged her to go, but it clearly wasn’t right for her (and she felt an English degree was a waste of money).

she left, worked for a while, travelled for a bit and is currently volunteering abroad and starting to study for a vocational course.

Sorry that’s not what I was saying it’s more that they don’t seem to form the same bonds (this is just my experience) not that she will be by herself. People that I know from home and also from my course just didn’t have the same experience. She will go home and chill at home, unlike being in halls where you cuddle up on the sofa with your new mates or have that spontaneous night out etc it is a different experience. But it’s also what experience does she want.

I found it so overwhelming I cried a lot in the first month or so and did not want to go back after being gone whilst poorly. But I did go back and I don’t regret it.

That's not correct.- at least for England, but I think the rest of the UK is the same.

You get finance for the length of your course plus a gift year.

So if finance has been paid this year and she then decides to withdraw, the gift year will have been used. She will still be able to get finance for the full length of another course - including integrated foundation or masters years and/or placement years. However, should she need to resit a year of the new course, that would need to be self financed as the gift year has been used.

She likes the local uni option just feels embarrassed about leaving immediately more worried about what people think. She is thinking she will go back Monday for a lecture at 5ish just to see but thinks she will be back pretty soon. Have given Weds PM as a deadline otherwise I'll see the loan thing becomes an issue.

One thing to note is that the perspectives of ‘stick it out, it’s gets better’ and ‘you only have a proper Uni experience if you live out’ are typically based on one experience, probably from a while ago. Things have changed for young people over the past 10-20 years, a lot, as have Universities. We can’t really compare our experiences with theirs.
My son is commuting for first year, planning to live out for year 2 and beyond. He is thriving. He is settled and has made friends, joined societies etc. I think the positive transition has been made possible because he is so comfortable with his current situation, it allows confidence in other areas.
We don’t all have to do things the same way, i.e, A levels, and live out at Uni. The stats tell us more young people are living at home - and Unis account for this.
The fact she was so upset prior to going to Uni is telling. Maybe when she feels a bit better it might be worth looking at all the options and working out a ‘what to do, when’ plan. Does she want to try? If so, at what point do you want to check in and decide next steps? What does future X want? If there were no worries about being embarrassed, what would she do?Sometimes knowing there are options, and knowing that your concerns are being listened to, with a plan, is enough to ease the pressure. Definitely look at the fee cut off- I also say this as a Uni lecturer. Good luck.

My DD had two years between leaving school and going to uni -I asked her if she's found this a problem and she said "not at all". Admittedly as an August born the gap is less than it might have been.

The only thing she finds odd is her old school friends are now graduating!

Local uni is nothing to be embarrassed about. My DC had to go away as no local uni and they are very jealous of those who can live at home and go to uni.

she needs to do what she feels is best for her and not worry about what other people think.

If she’s still unwell - withdraw/postpone til next year. She will miss too much and it’s a hell of a strain to catch up after illness during the initial period, even when actually happy.

I knew people who arrived at uni, decided they didn’t like that one, and within a week or two had transferred to a completely different one.

use this as an opportunity to teach her not to throw good money after bed. If she doesn’t like it, she needs to trust her gut and change something.

I would check when the actual withdrawal date is by which she can leave without paying tuition fees. If she has only been at uni over freshers week and not done a week of classes it really isn't representative of what it will really be like.

If she does decide to leave, I would reassure her that one failed attempt at uni doesn't mean it won't work out well next time. I've met lots of students who decided at the last minute or after a short time at uni that their first choice wasn't for them.

2 years older is fine! My DD did this and was really ready to go, more confident and happier with the degree choice. Took 2 years off and 2 false starts for that to come about though 😊

I’d be checking out the process of transferring to one of the local uni options on Monday if it were my DD. Bless her.

'The Uni Experience' is different now, to that of 20, 30, 40 years ago, mainly because of the internet etc. People can easily just sit in their rooms gaming rather than get out and socialise, and that makes it isolating for those who do want to get out, but have no-one to go with. Very different

Also OP, tell her not to worry about what other people think. It's not their life. So many of us have regrets over things we did to keep up appearances, or when we forgot to make ourselves happy because we were so busy making everyone else happy.

If it feels wrong, it IS wrong, for her.

She shouldn't worry too much about what people think - if she transfers closer to home she'll never have to see them again, and honestly so many people change courses etc. in the first few weeks that they'll have forgotten all about her within a matter of days (I mean that in a good way).

Lots of local students go to the uni near us and seem to love it. There is nothing wrong in doing that if it suits her. There's also nothing wrong in having another gap year. My son went at 19, but I think he would have had the same experience if he'd gone a year later.
The ideal situation would be to give it more time, but if it's not financially viable then she should go with her gut.

I think it can also be about sheer volume of people. When I went to university there were 3000 students. The same place today has 20,000 which is genuinely a different thing to go through.

I agree about internet. But also remember this generation are still the Covid kids. I know mine were doing online school for 18 months with very little in-person interactions beyond the home. That doesn't just disappear overnight.

Could she stay in halls maybe just a few nights a week - and come home the rest of the time depending on her timetable.

Honestly if she doesn't want to do it she should withdraw. Too much money will be wasted otherwise.

Don’t force her to stay away. Lots of students commute to local uni. She can always move in with friends in 2nd year if she wants the living out experience but sounds like she is not ready for that.

She needs to take some time to re-group and really think about what she wants. She can make it happen for next year, but should do so before the fees kick in this year.

Having two years out is a non-issue, for everyone. It sounds even less of an issue here as she does sound like she's a little bit less mature than a lot of her peers, so it might even be better for her to wait. Try and get her to challenge herself a bit this year, encourage anything that will help her grow in confidence.