Daughter does not want to return to University

[Rina1971]

Dropped daughter at Uni last weekend she dismissed us so all good. Day 2 lots of tears and so it went on. By day 4 she was unwell but said she was going out and an hour later another call to say could I talk to her till she slept. At 3am she calls clearly unwell probably Freshers flu, chatted till she settled. Next morning she is not online without fail she is usually up by 9am but nothing. I panic call security in her halls and they do a welfare check finding her with a high temp and delirious. After a check at medical centre I bring her home, she cried and cried calling me "Mummy" and wanting hugs. We talk a lot and she tells me she cannot return, that she hates being away and just wants to be home. To give some context she cried for two weeks before Uni asking nto stay but I persuaded her to try. Now I am so conflicted she is asking my advice but clearly it is her decision. She has missed swim trials which was so important to her but is clearly too unwell.

I’d advise her to call the local uni on Monday anyway to see if they have spaces on the course she wants to do, then she will have a day or two to decide

Does she even want to go to University at all? Its not compulsory. If she does, then there's no shame in doing what's right for her and leaving and going somewhere close to home. If she wants to in the second year, she could come rent with friends she made in the first year. Are you in London? We have been looking around and one thing that put my DS off London is that so many students lived at home so if you are a UK student who lives in London halls everyone else is either international or commuting. If she's a home student in London she won't be unusual.

No not London a large City in the NW with several Universities on our doorstep

Oh OK. I'm not sure if its the same then. Lots of students cant afford to live out in London so it may not be the same. But either way, if she wants to come home it doesn't mean she has to live at home for the whole 3 years.
I hated living out at University, but it was years ago and I was in a shared house with a dodgy landlord but mainly I just wasn't ready. I dropped out and started again at another University and lived at home. It didnt cost me £10k though! It is true I don't really have friends I went to university with like some people but my best friends I met at work anyway!

Or...maybe she's just not really interested in uni at this stage of her life? It's okay to accept it's not for everyone🤷‍♀️

Too many feel the pressure to go. DS is at college doing an HND and had no interest in going to uni at 17/18. He wants to do the HND first then see what is next nearer the time. Possibly joining 3rd year of his course at a uni near his college. He is staying with grandparents but made loads of friends so far. It hasn't stopped him - staying with family! He really enjoys his course and has settled into college life really well.

Hopefully your DD can find a path that makes her happy, whatever that may be🤞

I went away to uni and hated it. I had always been a home bird so don’t really know why I chose to move away but I lasted 3 weeks and came home. I transferred to a local uni and lived at home. I still had a great time and graduated with a first.

I have absolutely no regrets and am still a home bird to this day (over 20 years later).

She’s ill. I’d suggest focusing on getting her better and then discussing whether she should go back next week.

My daughter left uni 2 weeks ago. She straight away decided it was not right for her. It was an hour and a half away from home. The 6th form made them all apply and have an offer in place. I think she got swept up and also thought she wanted a new life in a new city.

She has decided against immediately applying to our local uni instead. They don’t offer the same exact course and it was agreed a gap year would be good for her. It gives her time to think and gain experience having not worked before. She has secured herself her first job and is really happy back at home.

Financially it’s not ideal as we are contracted to the accommodation for the year, now without student finance to help pay for it. We hope it might get taken over, but it’s not guaranteed. We have to pay until the day someone else moves in, if they do.

It sounds like perhaps a gap year would be good for your daughter too. I hope she feels happier soon, whatever she decides.

DD is possibly in a similar situation, having a big regret about it all and that she has chosen the wrong uni and course. Anyone have any experience of what this means? Is it too late to move to another university? What does this mean for the fees and uni accommodation?

This is interesting as friends who teach 6th form and colleges have also said the same. They were seeing that students were more emotionally immature and less resilient than previous years. Also they were more likely to have secondary school type dramas and arguments. Is this a Covid legacy perhaps that they are just more immature despite academic a ability?

I think it is a mix of how parenting has been changing over years with the sudden impact of the pandemic.

It's not too late to swap clearing ends on 20/10 and fees transfer if you move before 2 weeks of teaching. Accommodation is a whole other ball game unless someone takes it on. Mine is transferring to local uni and living at home till she gets her money back (if) on halls.

she is Y2 so she has already used one year.

if she stays on for Y2 she will not have the finance for a second degree.

if she withdraws she will be fine for a second attempt at a degree.

How do people get jobs these days without a degree? It seems everyone demands a degree

She should call Student Finance now to check and contact her personal tutor/undergraduate tutor/student support ASAP.
With my daughter that started a degree, changed her mind and went to another uni and dropped out of there - she ended up having to pay back the first term’s fees to student finance (can’t remember exact details but most of it was returned by whichever uni). She took the rest of that year off, then another, then started and completed a 4 year degree elsewhere.

Time is of the essence if she is going to leave in terms of salvaging fees, once she is sure that’s what she wants.

Changing unis is definitely an option. If she has one in mind she should contact them now to see if they have a place and also contact UCAS.

Could she defer and try again next year?

She sound's a little young and immature for uni now.

Some go through college instead then move on to jobs or...further study at university.

It's good many are not like sheep and follow their own path. University is fine for some but doesn't suit everyone.

The thing is she could come home and save the money she would save in rent towards a masters maybe.

My friends DC was miserable, he wasn’t communicating it though. He’s been doing very badly as well, I think he would be better off coming home and going locally, saving and getting a part time job.

DD talks about going away at 18 but she isn’t ready. So she will need to be local or wait. To be honest neither was I in the 90s and I was fairly miserable all 3 years, worked for a year, did a masters and it was the best year of my life.

@Rina1971Thank you, it is so hard to know a week in if this is just a blip or more serious. She is making plans for the week ahead which I am seeing as positive. Her welfare is my priority but the financial side of this is certainly very concerning and adds pressure to decide quite quickly whether it is going to work or not.

Update she is now happily settled at the local uni with a TASS scholarship, she can cycle to uni in 10 minutes, has her old job back and has made two BUCS teams. A huge relief clearly the big RG was not the fit she had hoped for

That’s wonderful news. I am really pleased to hear that. She will do brilliantly with a nurturing home base. I am sure you are relieved and delighted.

Interested in this. DD had a pretty solid group of friends at high school. One went weird and stopped speaking to her suddenly after Y11. (Not sure if it was jealousy or anything). But the rest stuck around and although not all were doing the same thing, they generally stuck together through college. One friend went with her to the same city (different uni) and they live next door to each other. Back home, they still met up.
However, over the summer, certain situations arose with others in the friendship group, and now a load of them have removed DD on social media, even though she was not involved. They seem to have isolated DD and her housemate plus one other lad who became friendly with them during sixth form. All very odd. DD hates unnecessary drama and does not bitch (tho if asked her opinion, will give it) and all the drama seems to be created by others. Some of them come from difficult backgrounds but it’s very disconcerting when people you’ve been friendly with for years drop you out of nowhere.

OP I’m glad your daughter is sorted and settled. Good luck to her and well done for securing a scholarship!

There are plenty of jobs for people without degrees. I work in an accountancy firm we would rather take people on as apprentices than hire graduates. My son went into a.mechanical apprenticeship aged 16 and now at 18 when most are starting to rack up the student debt he has his permanent contract and earning very good money.

If your chosen career path requires a degree that's one thing but if it doesn't you should seriously think about other options that don't require the huge expense and debt of Uni.

I know you said you hadn't RTFT but at least read the OP!
It's clear that her DD has just started uni for the first time.
The advice you gave to her was wrong.

Thats fantastic the fact she is happy with her move is the right decision all around. The uni experience and moving away isnt for everyone and many times the MH of those going sadly suffers