DD struggling during freshers

[poppy517]

Last Friday, DH and I dropped off DD at her dream uni. It is about a 9.5hr drive away so not close at all. DD is a sociable girl who has lovely friends from school who all move into uni in about a week and had been texting us updates of various events she had gone to, when she was spending time with her flatmates and how she had decorated her room. However, when she called a couple of days ago she broke down in tears saying that she isn't clicking with people beyond short conversations, wandering around freshers events alone and seeing freshers friend groups when she herself doesn't even have one friend. I told her it takes time and it has only been a week but she says she feels so lonely she feels a weight in her stomach and wishes she had never moved so far away. Has anyone else known anyone else in this situation as she is convinced she can't see anyone else feeling like this.

Oh gosh bless her that’s tough.
Also 9.5 hours is a looong way away – I assume you live very rurally but it may be weighing on her.

It’s obvious I know but you sometimes spend the first week at uni making friends you spend the next term trying to lose. Encourage her to join a club – is she sporty? Musical? Likes theatre? As all of those can really build social connections.

Has she started to meet anyone off her course yet? My dd struggles with friendships but met a couple of nice people on her course that she got on well with. All the best to her.

It takes a little while to connect with people. When my daughter was at university, she struggled a bit at the beginning to be honest and didn’t really gel with The others in her accommodation. She had a tricky few weeks but then struck up a conversation with someone at one of her lectures and they are still really good friends to this day (she graduated about five years ago).

Are there any clubs that she will join? My daughter did cheerleading and met lots of friends that way. It’s also totally normal for her to feel a bit lost right now, she’s a long way from home and looking in it always looks as though everyone has a group to be with but there will be lots of people similar to her that have not yet found their tribe.

Having a wobble and feeling like everyone else is doing better is quite common. Just reassure her that she will meet people and in time friendships will develop.

She just needs to keep strong, keep busy exploring the Uni campus/ local area, keep speaking to people, join clubs...

If you live far away from the Uni and it's difficult for her to come home for a weekend, perhaps you can arrange a meet up in a few weeks in a place mid way between the 2 places? Something to look forward to

I do think it gets easier once classes start because you go for coffee with your seminar group (or some of them) and bond over the course etc

Freshers weeks work for some people but not for others. It didn't work for me, personally, I sort of retreated from all the forced activity and drinking and found a few people like myself doing the same.

I’d say this is pretty normal. She’ll ease into things once the work starts.

What are her interests beyond her degree? Joining clubs/societies is probably the way to go for her.

it may look as though there are lots of friendship groups but I should think a lot of them are feeling exactly the same as your DD. It’s an important thing for her to navigate this. It’s going to happen throughout her life - new jobs, new countries etc etc

She needs to hang on till her course starts - all my university friends were course people and people that I met in uni clubs. Lots of others will be feeling the same. It's early days. She needs to be brave.

Totally normal. Everyone is faking it till they make it. It gets better when lectures start and they have something to do. She'll be fine.

Freshers is not representative of the majority of students’ uni experience. Once teaching gets underway she will meet different people and have something in common other than socialising.

I didn't make any real friends at uni! Which was a shock as I had a really good group of friends in 6th form and was able to make loads of friends in my career after! I ended up getting a part time job and just working loads to keep busy, was able to move out of the shared uni house and rent my own room somewhere with all the money from work and met a partner too all while studying. It will all work out xxx

Oh yes! My DD is an introvert, not particularly social but made a batch of brownies as an ice breaker and headed off (uni a six hour drive away) excited to start her new life. Her room was nice but at the top of a stairwell separated from the other rooms by another short set of stairs, she got too nervous to go to the dining hall her first full day so survived on the brownies (she never actually did meet anyone on her floor). Got her nerve up and did attend fresher events and seemed to be making friends only to find that one person blanking her the next day or falling in with another group. She rang after four days in tears she’d made a big mistake, saying the same things your DD is saying. I was very surprised as she had been making areal effort going to all the social events. But she gave herself a talking to and while she hasn’t yet met her ‘tribe’ (and might never) she is getting all she can out of the uni. She is sn editor on the uni newspaper, course rep for her year, was secretary for her Common Room, Student Volunteer Coordinator…She’s still an introvert and she’s not exactly looking forward to going back with enthusiasm but she would tell you she has ‘spread her wings’ and grown so much. We do a disservice bigging up the ‘uni experience’. Even for the most outgoing it is often a lonely and scary time. I think things will definitely improve once classes start and she settles into a routine.

She's a long way from home. Its a huge adjustment. She'll settle in.

A friend told me her sister wasn't happy the first month, then had a great time and made friends for life. Plus she got a good career out of her degree.

Oh what a shame. This was us last year, unfortunately things didn’t work out for my son. He quit at Christmas and is trying another university this year, with him I think the choice of institution (RG) and the people there were just not for him.

This was me. It's super common for freshers and at various points in uni friendship dramas to feel like this. I found it hard. It also seemed st the tike that there were lots of groups of friends and nothing really organised in my self catered halls for freshers week.
I think useful things are to remind them it takes time. That life isn't one big tick or cross and my dad used to help me break things down into manageable chunks. I starred volunteering at a charity that had nothing to do with uni. Joined a uni sports club and social club. Had some counselling sessions with uni services.

I also particularly struggled with lack of structure doing an arts subject so all the activities helped.

I'd also say if possible she shouldn't come home in first term as it makes home sickness worse . You go and see her and speak to her on the phone etc.

Can she move to a different flat. I told DS to do that when he knew he wouldn’t gel with his flatmates but he felt too awkward and wouldn’t move (and then spent months avoiding them in the kitchen). If she knows her flatmates aren’t her type then it’s fine to try and swap. Also booking on to a day trip where you have to sit on a minibus or walk around somewhere with a group all day is much easier than walking into a room on your own. There almost always is a walking or expedition type group. what about yoga or exercise class. She needs to get out and do things that help with mental health (and will probably then meet people without it feeling so forced).

I don’t think this is unusual. A lot of the “friend groups” she is seeing are just people who are clinging to the first people they have met, and those groups will evolve.
It’s clear to me that this cohort of 18/19 year olds often really angst over speaking to new people - certain parent group I am on involves daily posts from people worrying that their children are not leaving their rooms in halls. So there will be quite a few finding the whole thing really daunting and not quite knowing how to join in. Many of them won’t have had to make new friends since they were 11, so it can feel a bit challenging.
Freshers week, while fun, can be quite exhausting and literally no one makes actual friends in that week. That takes time. Hopefully your DD will start to feel better and meet some more people when lectures start. In the meantime, are there any activities organised in her hall ? Often they are pretty lame (rock painting etc- shades of montessori nursery) but might be a pleasant way to spend a couple of hours chatting in a low-pressure way.

It is strange when you start university. Its good she is social as that helps a lot. I was very shy when I started and Freshers week I found a bit strange - been asked to go drinking (I didn't drink) and no courses and so many interests groups at once which was a bit overwhelming and knew nobody. But went on to become a lot more social, made friends and loved it.

I would say to join anything she is interested in - having a shared interest makes it easier to form friendships. I found when the course started it was easier as was in a 4 and we did things together, well we became a 2 and a 2. Then people start inviting you to parties and worth going to meet people.

The large groups maybe people who know each other already but some of them at least will be open to new friends, probably vast majority. My daughter knew a lot of people already and had chatted to lots through WhatsApp before starting, she'd be one in a big group but very open to meeting others. And sometimes if you get to know someone part of a group you can become part of the group. My daughter loves it and she is very sociable and that definitely helps. She did find it strange others going to different universities but that's normal and happens every transition. It sounds like your DD will be fine but its hard at the start. Also small conversations can be a good start, you don't need everyone to be your best friend.

Personally I think freshers week can be difficult because you have t found your friends yet but there’s so much narrative that it will be super fun for you. She is likely to find her people over time, though. That certainly happened to me. Freshers week was more fun in subsequent years where I had friends already.

Some of the groups might be people who knew each other from 6th form.

My DS is starting uni this year with a very close friend from 6th form and they've ended up in the same halls although they could be in completely different parts of the building.

I'm sure they'll hang around together at first and will appear from the outside to have made friends immediately but of course that's not the case.

Freshers' Week is a bit like those first few days in year 7 when everyone's testing each other out and trying to pretend they're having an amazing time while feeling lost and overwhelmed - but more so as almost no one knows others from before.

I think for someone who is used to being sociable, it can come as a bit of a shock to have to start again.

What I'd say is firstly, get to clubs. Even if they're not what you want to do, pick some that eat together, or just have fun. Silly sounding clubs can often have great social times.

But also, I was guilty of this and my dc are also guilty of this:
Don't be afraid to push in a bit. I'd assume if I heard about a group going somewhere that I wasn't invited so would think "oh they're going out" and leave it. But at this point, most people are still putting out feelers. Saying "can I come?" most of the time is absolutely fine and people are the more the merrier.
But if you self-exclude by not going because you don't think you're welcome, then firstly people don't get to know you so when they are settling in a group, you aren't on their radar, but also they'll probably assume you didn't go because you didn't want to, so won't ask another time.

And people often like to be helpful. "You're going to the library? Can I join you; I'm not sure where I'm going?" etc means people can feel good about you coming because they're helping you. Then maybe you can help them to find somewhere else.

People used to say that the people you meet in freshers are the ones you stick with. Didn't find that at all, and I don't think many people (covid years excepted) do.

Which uni is it? Maybe someone on here has a young person that could help?

This is THE MOST COMMON EXPERIENCE of first year. Please let her know this. She is not alone even though she thinks she is. Others are feeling the same. Every year thousands of young people are feeling exactly like your dd is.

it will get better. Tell her to throw herself into her work for niw. Join some clubs. Steve isn’t have to stay in them. Just go to give her a chance to meet people.

find a socials page for her subject. See if anyone has set up a meet up. Same with her halls.

I was her 30 years ago. Freshers Week terrified me.

It gets better

I work in HE.
Most of the ones that look happy at this stage are faking it.

We always say it takes until at least until Christmas to feel a tiny bit at home. It’s not like the movies.

I used to be Head of First Year in my subject at a big university and as a pp said, this is virtually everyone’s experience of freshers’ week. I had endless people crying in my office and saying they were going home. Tell her hang on till her course starts properly, and to bear in mind that half the people who appear to have a gang of instant best friends will spend the rest of term trying to get shot of people they don’t like but grabbed out of panic on the first day. She’s much better off taking her time.