How long until you adjusted to DC being away at uni?

[Ineedcoffeenow]

We dropped DD off to start university at the weekend. It’s proving harder to adjust than what I expected. I’m so proud and excited for her, but I miss her terribly, I’m aware that it could be worse—she’s only 1.5 hours away. We also have DD2 here so I don’t have an empty nest, but it’s still proving difficult to get used to her not being here. I miss our chats and doing silly things. How long did it take you to adjust to DC being away?

WTF?!! That is completely out of order. He needs moving IMMEDIATELY. That’s not even borderline immature/excusable behaviour. He should not be sharing with females. I’m not a helicopter parent but reading that has made me angry on behalf of your daughter. No. No. No. I would be putting my DD up in a hotel until the University sorted it out. Please let us know how she gets on with Student Services. This is not a case of having a ‘wee word’ with the boy (though he needs to be read the riot act) he’s made her feel uncomfortable to the point of making her feel unsafe and she shouldn’t be expected to have him stay put and monitor his rehabilitation. I really feel for you going through this and am so glad my child is in a single-sex flat.

I’ve got the situation in hand for DD’s flatmate so I think that’s sorted.

Does anyone else feel like there’s been a generation switch with DC’s going away? I feel like we’ve all moved on a level. It’s brought back so many memories of my mum (who died in 2023). I remember her saying that it was hard to leave me, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. Now DD has gone off to uni, I completely understand. I wish she was here for me to tell her that. On her death bed, she asked DD to try hard at school, which she absolutely did. DM would be over the moon to see her at university. Sorry if that’s a bit morbid, but it’s good to be able to type it out. I feel like I’m grieving for my mum all over again and keep bursting into tears.

I'm sorry that you lost your mum x
I completely understand. My mother died when I was 19, so she never got to meet DC. He was conceived quite soon after her death, and his arrival was full of hope and light and love after the world went dark when my mother died. Now that DC is going to uni, I have been reliving a lot of that time, feeling quite raw with decades-old grief. Like your mother, mine too would be so proud of DC.
TBH, all the above has made me feel what I consider to be unnaturally sad at what is, essentially, a happy and exciting time for my son. I'm so glad he's on the right path for him, and I wouldn't want any different- but he hasn't gone yet, and I'm doing a lot of enthusiastic cheerleading, then going to the bathroom and crying into a towel.

I am so sorry you're going through this. I do think at this point in our lives we are naturally drawn to remember when we left home. I burst into tears yesterday because I heard a song on the radio coming out of a restaurant kitchen that my dad used to sing along to (out of tune) and he has been dead for about 8 yrs now. Suddenly I was missing him profoundly and likely because I'd just sent my kids to uni.

So I do understand. Sending hugs.

My DD went last year and I cried the whole way home (3 hours) with DH eye rolling me but even he admitted he couldn’t go in her bedroom for a while when we got home. As soon as she started making friends I was so much happier. She’s home for about 6 weeks at Christmas and finishes the year in May and it all goes so quickly.

I’ve just dropped her off for year two and there were no tears just excitement to be moving into a house with five others. Now on to DD2 and her personal statement…

Sorry Ineedmorecoffee if I went in all guns blazing about the flatmate situation - it just touched a nerve. Glad you’re getting it sorted. I too have been thinking about my own late parents and thinking about how I never gave them a backwards glance when I left for Uni. I was so wrapped up in my own life I never thought about how bereft they must have felt as the youngest of 4 to have left home. Now I feel a pang of guilt and actually try not to expect too much of my own kids! Up till now they’ve been pretty good at checking in.

Hugs to everyone who has lost a parent x x

DD was born when my mum was going through cancer treatment and she was completely besotted with her. She died when DD was 4, I have felt grief on all the mile stones - first day of school for younger DC, first day of secondary, gcse results, school prom, A level results etc but weirdly, not actually about university. But I wrote a note to DD and that made me smile when I thought of the notes my mum had written to me when I was a kid/teen away from home, although I didnt go to uni. But I feel so lucky we dont have to rely on letters or a shared phone to communicate with DD!

We had twins so the nest was very empty when they left on the same day. We each took one, tho to a different college in the same city. It was awful leaving them. Worse when we got home. It’s easier nowadays with mobile phones, social media etc. Tho they can communicate their angst more quickly. I wrote to my parents-it must have been awful for them.
Our daughters’ terms were 8 weeks and, with lectures sometimes on Saturdays, they rarely came home mid term. We visited once a term. Holidays were long and, eventually, we all adapted. They were very good at keeping in touch. It prepares you for when they get full time employment and live in cities miles away.

DD is about to start her second year. First time around, she was fine when we dropped her off so I was. We keep in touch a fair amount through messaging and weekly FaceTime (mostly so she can see the cat who resolutely ignores her when she's away!). I know she's fine as she has her friend from school next door. It was a long way from when she left until she came home for Reading Week and in a way that was harder watching her get back on the train. She came home for weeks at Christmas and finished in June.

I'm taking her back next week and it's all a bit routine now. It helps she is moving back to the same place as last year.

8 years.
I'll perhaps fill in the blanks later.

Well DD has decided to come home today for the weekend. She was going to do it tomorrow as she has a driving lesson, but decided at the last minute to make it today. Very excited, but trying to not show it too much.

In all honestly I dreaded DD going away last year. The anticipation of her leaving was defo worse than the actual event. I was very tearful (in private) for the run-up but tried to show her how excited I was for her. I tried to keep busy and that largely helped. I was ok when she went back after Christmas and Easter (no reading weeks for her unfortunately).

But ironically after a long summer with her, I miss her now more than ever and it is taking a little time to adjust. She had grown up in that year and we connected better than ever. I’m envious of my friends whose children have chosen not to go to uni and are still around. I’m bursting with pride and happiness for her but so miss our chats and the house feels quiet. We have a younger DD but she will be off soon too and I just can’t think about that empty nest just yet! I know it is my issue and I’m working on sorting my head out.

I totally missed my mum on the day I dropped my dd. Didn’t expect to feel that as I don’t tend to miss her like that, but it was quite distinct.

I never really understood why my mum refused to speak to me on the morning I left for University (my dad was driving me there). I decided it was some kind of sulk, but now realise she was probably trying to hold emotions in check. She'd reacted in the same way when I returned from a school holiday in France, full of enthusiasm about it and especially the food.

Your mum sounds emotionally stunted. Is she still alive, has she made up for any of these failings?

Don’t think I have really. DD2 is in her second year 1.5 hours away she comes home every 3-4 weeks, she’s close to her siblings especially DD3, they are best friends and DD3 misses her terribly when she’s gone. She is sharing a flat with her bestie from the age of two though.

No, she is not still alive. She had issues about 'being given away' as a child. In fact her own mother had 14 children, but the next door neighbours were childless, so they informally (as it was in those days) adopted the two youngest and soon moved about 7 miles away. But my mother said she happily visited home quite often, and the foster parents were very kind. She took her foster mother in to live with her when she was very old.

oh ok a huge amount of baggage there. I hope you managed to escape most of it.

Thank you. I think I did - I've had a happy and successful life so far. My mum was very loving when not in a mood. My dad too.

❤️