How long until you adjusted to DC being away at uni?

[Ineedcoffeenow]

We dropped DD off to start university at the weekend. It’s proving harder to adjust than what I expected. I’m so proud and excited for her, but I miss her terribly, I’m aware that it could be worse—she’s only 1.5 hours away. We also have DD2 here so I don’t have an empty nest, but it’s still proving difficult to get used to her not being here. I miss our chats and doing silly things. How long did it take you to adjust to DC being away?

First two weeks were awful. I couldn’t sleep, lost my appetite and counted down the weeks until we saw her again (October) It has taken to now to really get used to it (3rd year) and even now I struggle. I make plans to see dd, it keeps me going in between. It is true that the semesters are short, with this one being the longest one. So a visit during this time up until Christmas is a good idea.

I send parcels, letters and cards often. Food deliveries and daily messages.

You do adjust to the waves of university. It isn’t an easy process, and you are allowed to grieve the passing of their childhood, and feel a sense of this new stage op. See some friends, keep busy and it will soon be Christmas! Don’t over plan Christmas, they arrive home exhausted!

Well you don’t really ever stop missing them, however; you learn to love with it is the best advice I can give you.
You want to give them wings to fly but when they do it hurts.
🥰

I've a slightly different perspective as DD did her two sixth form years during the two Covid lockdown years. She was desperate to not be stuck at home anymore and we were equally as keen for her to be out in the world having new experiences that she'd missed out on. I still felt sick the month before she left and allowed myself to wallow in my self pity for about two weeks after she left, but it always felt like she was where she should be and I loved hearing about her new experiences, so I adjusted fairly fast.

Waiting for them to go and saying goodbye was the worst bit. Fill up your calendar, make plans, arrange a date to visit them, allow yourself a week or two to feel the sadness and hopefully you'll adjust soon.

This must be so much harder than when you've a partner or other children at home. Hopefully you can adjust and think of it as your time to do what you want now.

I pretty much adjusted straightaway but her brother, DH, and 4 pets still at home and she is still here almost half the year so feels more like she is on long holidays than left us. She was so happy to be going and I was so happy for her which helped. I also was very busy around then with good things (well one was an operation but really wanted it and one was exciting travel) which helped. I think also DS being asd / awful time at school but just as bright you see the alternative and realise how lucky DD is and felt sad for DS. At least DD being away meant could spend more time helping DS. She's super busy in term time so we don't get that many updates but we catch up once she's back. She came home about once a term as well and we are only a few hours away which helps. Hope it feels better soon.

I remember leaving my son and missing him, it was especially horrible going into his empty bedroom and no one being there. My other child was still fairly young so I was quite distracted as well - it's definitely going to be worse when he goes next year.
I think I got used to him not being there fairly quickly - it was good that he facetimed a lot! And the holidays come round quite quickly. I think the thing that never really went back to normal was the changed dynamic in the house - I think my other child missed having him around instead of just me.

It's a conflict of emotion .....5 or 10 years ago I'd have given my right arm for this much child free time but now they dont need me (unless for money or laundry)....and it feels weird!
Me and DD messaged each other a ridiculous amount of times the first week

DD goes next weekend and some days I am counting down the days :)

She's been travelling for a lot of the last 8 months so I feel I'm already very used to her not been here. Think that was a good way of acclimatising to her not being here - she was gone for 2 weeks, then back, then gone for a month, then back, then gone for 3 months, then back.

Christmas

Thanks everyone. I think that worrying about DDs safety is almost as bad as missing her. She’d never been to a nightclub until a few days ago and only a couple of pubs. All of it is quite new to her (as well as being in a big city). P I must have told her a hundred times to never leave her drink unattended so I hope that’s sunk in. She’s socialising with strangers that she has no idea whether everyone will look out for each other.

Having said all that, she seems to be settling in well and getting on with her flatmates. I’m slowly less panicking now.

I'm dreading this. The only way I can think to get through it is keeping planning and thinking about the next time I'll see them

I worried about this too, my DD only turned 18 in August and hadn't been out to clubs before (we live in a small pretty boring - but safe - town)
She had been drinking at house parties since she was 15, but im sure part of it was to fit in. I dont think she's actually that bothered about drinking and most of her social life at uni seems to be based on hobbies rather than drinking
A lot of 20-30 year old i know are teetotal, so maybe this generation aren't as bothered

You find a rhythm and a new normal. We have a family WhatsApp chat and all message daily. I also message her and we FaceTime a few times a week. I ring her sometimes when walking the dog so she can see him.
I went up to see her after about 6 weeks and could see she was fine and happy.
She enjoys being home and having time together, has appreciated home cooking, little shopping trips.
They do get lots of holidays and she still comes on family holidays with us.
She went abroad working this summer so I didn’t see her for 3 months that was harder.
I work ft and volunteer which keeps me busy.

A couple of weeks until we both adjusted to chatting via WhatsApp instead of face to face. Tbh it has been a joy having her pop up with random questions, photos and stories.
She has now graduated and I am finding it harder to cope with the idea she is never going to come home permanently.

I've seen DD1 through uni and graduation and now DS2 is in 2nd year. I cry every time they go back. I'm proud of them and great to see them happy, but it's a form of grief, so be gentle with yourself.

You can’t put a time on it as it’s gradual and everyone’s different. It’s actually a really nice time as it’s very special when you do see them. The fact she’s only 1.5 hours away means it could be easier for you to visit at weekends, plus they have very long holidays especially in the summer so it’s only like she’s half moved out. Try and think of the positives, honestly you’ll be fine!

My youngest daughter goes in 10 days. She’s my rock and I’m going to be so lost without her. I will still have my youngest ( 20 in a week) at home but due to his disability’s we are a long way away from him moving out. My eldest left home 10 yr ago and the next one down is in supported living. Iv gone from a house of 6 to now 3 of us. I’m dreading on having to spend time at home with the husband our relationship over the last 7yrs has deteriorated to now where I just avoid him. I really don’t know how to feel or when I’m going to do without her.

My son is due to go to uni on sat (after a gap year, he's about an 1 & 1/2 hours away via decent train network.

We're going to his uni city a couple of days before to sightsee and get him settled in his accommodation, while it's a little sad that my middle child is off to uni it doesn't matter as I'm so proud of him.

He's also spent 6 months travelling around New Zealand on his own, so I know he's capable of looking after himself.

Uni was fine. We were excited that they were moving on with their lives, they kept in touch and both had a great time, a few traumas, but all good. When DD was in her mid 20s, she had a serious illness, pneumonia, which laid her up for some time and made her consider what she was doing. School, college, Uni, work, so she considered taking a year out. After some discussion, she took 3 months off work, and went as a volunteer in Phnom Penh. After a 24odd hour journey, 3 planes I think, she phoned in tears. She was picked up by someone who didn't speak any English, dropped off at a house in a gated urbanisation, no one else in the house. And the situation upset her, and made her wonder what she had done. We finished the call with her still upset, and heard nothing for 3 days. We were both not sleeping, worrying about her. When she next phoned, she was buzzing. A few mins after the call, her house mates turned up, they are still in touch 15 years later, went into town, saw Jumbo the elephant walking through town, went into the NGO where she was working and loved it, and couldn't understand why we were worried. So the moral of this long diatribe is, don't worry. They are probably having the time of their lives. Find things to do together again. Once you get used to living on your own again, it's a bit of a shock to the system when they move back home again.

My DD and I are in the same city, but she’s moved into halls, and despite being only a short TfL fare away, I still miss her. Luckily I have plenty at the moment to keep me busy (books to read, industrial action, flat sale) so that takes my mind off it. I’ve said to her I’ll ring this weekend to let her settle in a bit. Her stuff is still everywhere, as a reminder of her.

Like others, when I went away to university in the 90s Mum only rang once a week on the pay phone at the end of the corridor and we sent each other postcards. Different times.

3-4 years go past in a flash. Mine is back now and I’m a bit devastated for the both of us to be honest. I think it’s even harder when uni is finished, that’s when they really do have to become employed and adults. We only had one year ‘off’ when both DD were away, to be honest I couldn’t wait to enjoy the sexy side effect of my testosterone HRT!! My husband cried a lot at the start though, which wasn’t great… One fellow midlifer explained that while women go through menopause and can’t really give a fuck anymore, men become more emotional with their drop in hormones. I hope it’s not just me!..

Dropped DS off for the start of his second year today. I was dreading him leaving for his first year but adjusted quicker than I thought I would. I made sure I was busy and planned lots of little treats - dinner out, meeting friends for lunch, spa days, decorating etc. Despite my worries (he is very quiet and isn't a drinker, never been to a club etc) he thrived and he changed and grew so much. Strangely I was worse when he returned to Uni after the Christmas break. I'd spent several weeks re-decorating his bedroom and buying, washing, ironing new bedding etc, I was SO looking forward to him being back. When he returned to Uni in the New Year I cried and couldn't bring myself to go in to his room for weeks. I worry like crazy about him, I guess I always will, but I am SO proud of how independent and confident he has become. I have a girls holiday booked and quite a few other fun things for the coming weeks so that I have plenty to look forward to and that for me, is the key.

Better way to meet people. Lots of students find Freshers week a bit dull.

I wrote this song for my son shortly after he left home - it helped me to feel that was in some way still protecting him, even though I couldn't be right there beside him: joyjefford.com/blessings

I wrote this song for my son shortly after he left home - it helped me to feel that was in some way still protecting him, even though I couldn't be right there beside him: joyjefford.com/blessings