How long until you adjusted to DC being away at uni?

[Ineedcoffeenow]

We dropped DD off to start university at the weekend. It’s proving harder to adjust than what I expected. I’m so proud and excited for her, but I miss her terribly, I’m aware that it could be worse—she’s only 1.5 hours away. We also have DD2 here so I don’t have an empty nest, but it’s still proving difficult to get used to her not being here. I miss our chats and doing silly things. How long did it take you to adjust to DC being away?

A week or 2 I'd say. But they're still home a lot.

She's now leaving to start a job a couple of hours away so that seems much more permanent.

I followed the unis SU Instagram feed to see what was going on. I think I had ideas of suggesting that x,y,z was happening .. it was not really needed but was good to see what was happening.

It’s going to take longer than a few weeks to get used to this. I never expected to be knocked off my feet in the way that I have—I’m frustrated with myself as she’s only a couple of hours away! DD1 was happy to hang out with us, whereas DD2 is a typical teenager and doesn’t want to leave her room so it feels quite empty.

It's really hard. Just as your children get to an age where you love their company, off they go to University. Of course you miss her. It's absolutely fine to feel bereft that they are no longer in your home most days when that is all you have ever known.

The beauty of having a young person you're very close with, is they tend to contact you lots and share their new life with you. As time goes on you'll get caught up in the excitement of their new experiences: you'll come to know their friends names and enjoy face timings your daughter and hearing all her news. It does get easier. It really, really does. You might find your younger teenager changes when the older one is not around.

Oh, me too. I don't think it has sunk in that DD won't be coming home for a few weeks at Christmas or a whole summer again. A new normal to get used to.

It took my DM and I until the Christmas holiday.

We both missed each other like crazy, then as soon as I was back we got on each other's nerves.

Neither of us had realised quite how much we had enjoyed the independence.

We go tomorrow. DD is our youngest of 3DC. I'll miss her but am excited for her too. She'll be around four hours away.

A nano second. DS was ready to go and we always expected it. He spent 8 months in NZ the year before. Same for dd.

We had one term with just DH and I at home alone. Bloody Covid. DD's at home about three nights a week aged 27.

DS and DIL went to SA for a couple of years at least a couple of weeks ago, aged 30.

DH and I left at 18. It was a natural thing to do. We got the train to uni 45 years ago!

Im finding it ok, but poor DH is in bits. He got 4 cups from the cupboard out of habit yesterday and it nearly broke him. He also worries so much about DD safety. In a week shes gone from the girl who was asleep by 10pm to being out out til 4am every night!
We'll all settle down eventually I hope.

So i dropped DD on Friday, for year 2, confident that it couldn't be as bad as last year. The actual build up and emotion of leaving wasnt as bad (it helped that it wasnt 10pm at night) but she still cried and yesterday for me felt very empty and flat. Then we facetimed her and she was very low, but trying to put brave face on it. Even DH , who isn't prone to emotion was upset after speaking with her.

It's mainly her accomodation, I think, that's getting her down, and unfortunately having signed a contract there's not a lot we can do about it. But im hoping once she sees all her friends (not all the housemates had arrived yet) and freshers week starts, she'll feel a bit better, because they'll be other things to focus on

I do feel like there's been such a long run up to them going away (exams / applications etc) that I've almost mentally "got used to it" before they've even gone, if that makes any sense at all.

But now they are gone, it's fine. They text me, its not like I have to wait 3 wks for a phone call from the payphone in the hallway, like my own parents had to do.

I dropped mine off yesterday and did really well not to cry. I'd shed a few tears beforehand. Cooking tea last night I cried and this afternoon I've felt anxious and lonely. I'm sure I'll be fine when I'm busy but I feel so lost.

I really hope that it feels better day by day. We dropped DS1 yesterday. He’s only 90 minutes away. But good grief. It feels like he’s so far away. We miss him!

I want him to be there, to have adventures, and to explore the world. But I also want him to be here on the sofa with us.

It’s really difficult, isn’t it. My biggest worry right now is that there is low-level harassment from one of DD’s male flatmates. The lack of control/ability to help is tough,

What is happening? Is he trying to flirt with her and being clumsy? I am so sorry this is happening to your DD.

I’m not sure if it’s just being unaware of the impact of what he’s doing, or it’s deliberate, but it’s been things like trying to get her to go for walks with him alone up to a nearby abbey at 10pm, asking for hugs (for no particular reason). It’s the same with another flatmate—he walked into her room, locked the door and asked for a ‘hug.’ Tried to kiss her.

Oh that is bad. I think these two girls definitely need to get help on this. All the other flat mates need to be aware and to have a talk with him in the kitchen - this is not acceptable behavior. Failing that curbing it, they should go and speak directly with someone in the support office.

He sounds like a neanderthal.

https://www.york.ac.uk/students/support/student-support-team/

this has a phone number / email and out of hours contact info

I am so sorry I thought I was on the York starters thread. I sent you a link for that university but I don't know where your DD is, there must be something similar?

No problem and thanks for the link. I’ll see what her university has.

I’ve advised her/her other flatmate to report him. DD finds him quite creepy—for example, he’s always doing her washing up and making a big deal of it as in “aren’t I amazing, what would you do without me.” He’s literally starting it while she’s still eating. She found it nice at first, but he persists with it even when she asks him to leave it alone.

This is not ok. It happened with a friend of DDs last year - a flatmate that was very forward and inappropriate behaviour towards the girls, always giving them (unconsensual) hugs that apparently he couldn't help....and yet he never tried it when male friends/boyfriends were visiting!
I'll ask her how/if they dealt with it

The locking the room is very creepy. I think it's best to report and good they can do that together. DD was harassed by a workman at university, was letting himself in her room, contacting her on social media trying to meet and another girl had it happen to and they both reported it and taken very seriously. They weren't allowed to be told what happened but have not seen him working there again.

I had the same issue when I went to university with a workman who kept letting himself in my room with keys, kept saying he was checking my fire. Seemed off to me to do that weekly and I mentioned it to porters who seemed concerned. Shortly after I was told a workman was no longer employed and lots of knickers had been found. I had some go missing but hadn't connected the two. Luckily I had pre warned DD though she is quite streetwise so probably would have noticed anyway but I was quite trusting at that age and nearly didn't clock.

36 hours. I was in bits during them, though.

@Ineedcoffeenow she needs to report 100%. He needs moving out that flat. Ideally to a male only flat.

Your daughter needs to say she doesn’t feel safe and follow that up in writing. The students union should be able to support her.

Didn’t really adjust and I probably over use messenger to say hi. DD comes home this weekend so looking forward to that.

I think it’s something they leave out of the ‘so you are going to be a parent” type book.

there’s a FB page called Grown and Flown which shares interesting experiences. And it helps to know we are not the only ones..