Uni starters 2025/26 all welcome

[NCTDN]

Following on from a year 13 support thread, thought this might be nice to ease us into their new chapters. We had a lovely one for my older DC so created this to help us navigate everything!

Yes that would help - mine at Southampton has group projects and they are randomly assigned every time which forces them to mix. Outside of that you have to be very proactive which is sometimes hard for a young person out in the world for the first time. Has he joined any societies?

@Millionsofmonkeys - that kind of thing really does sting but it is so, so common.

Our lovely neighbour (much more recently graduated than me!) mentioned being bumped out of her accommodation group to make room for someone else, after she had thought it was all sorted and that was later in the year by which time she had thought these were true friendships. But she found other flatmates and had a very happy year with them instead.

Half of my DD’s flatmates tried to launch a plan for accommodation which involved the rest of the flat and intentionally excluded her. Fortunately, her other flatmates weren’t having any of it and each “side” now has separate accommodation plans for next year (she’s actually now on okay terms with a couple in the other group also but steers clear of the ringleaders of that plan).

I know of lots of similar cases of people being missed out of accommodation groups.

Often, it’s not particularly personal - there are realities about group size for flatsharing and you do have to draw the line somewhere. Often - especially in your son’s case - it’s probably quite random who falls which side of the line.

@Dery And others - thanks for your kind words.
I am feeling better today - if they don't want him, they don't deserve him. He's great to live with, tidy, funny, a good cook. I just hope he has the confidence to start asking around some of the people he has met.

I am sure it's for the best in the long run!

Millionsofmonkeys ah that must be hard for you, more so than your DS probably, we worry about them so much.

I sort of have the opposite problem with my DD at Lancaster. She and the other three girls in her flat have decided to move in together, they never see one of the boys and the other is probably going to move in somewhere with his girlfriend although he's not against moving in with them.

They have a flat viewing on Saturday and I am very much 'woah, hold your horses, you don't know these people well enough yet' but she is worried that if she holds back the others will look for someone else to take her place.

They all seem to be acting like bloody sheep, once one group start they all feel they have to or they'll miss out in some way despite the Uni sending an email telling them not to panic there is plenty of time and accommodation.

I actually think it's a good idea for your DS to take his time deciding who to move in with, it is still very early days and I'm sure there will be many others in his situation.

The accommodation woes are real arent they? DD viewed some places with 7 others (friends and friends of friends).One of the lads is at a different uni in the same city, but is a school. friend of one of her flatmates. Apparently, he made racial slurs about the current tenants in one of the houses. DD was really upset and pulled him up on it. She was disappointed about the lack of reaction from the others and is now rethinking living with this group. At the same time, she's really worried that she won't have anyone else to live with. I really feel for her.

I can't get my DD to engage with what she is doing accom wise at Lancaster. She wants to stay on campus with a few friends from her course. I said she needs to get their names down at the accom fayre thing but I don't think they did.
I don't want to nag as it's up to her and I know they have time but I would rather it was sorted.
I know it will end up getting done and I am trying to let go of sticking my oar in it's just hard!

Good update from DS. He went to the fayre yesterday and asked a couple of friends from his course about sharing, 4 of them are now going to look for somewhere together, which I am really chuffed about. All mathematicians!

@ilovebagpuss i hink they just have to apply by the end of december for accomodation on campus. Dd has seen a few houses with her group of 6, unfortunatly lots are going very fast for that size but hopfully they are in the process now of securing one. So much for not rushing!

Has anyone’s DC not made any friends/socialised at all?
DS2 says he's fine but I don't believe him. He rings every day, sometimes twice but doesn't really have anything to say. He can't face joining any groups and he's sole accommodation. I really don't know what to do. We'll tbh there's nothing I can do. I'd just really hoped he'd make a friend. He's autistic and very shy so it was always going to be a challenge

Which uni is he at @PennywisePoundFoolish? Some unis have buddy systems to help shy students acclimatise.

He's at Exeter @unsurewhattodoaboutit he had a DSA assessment but didn't want any of the mentoring offered. I think he's also avoided seeing his tutor. It's really difficult when he's so resistant. That's actually a couple of lads from his school doing the same course but he's not seen them since the 1st week (and didn't talk to them then either)

@PennywisePoundFoolishthat is tricky if he’s refusing support. I do teach at university and all I will say is it’s early days especially for shyer students. I watch the shyer ones eventually forge contacts but it doesn’t happen in the first term quite often. It’s a shame he’s in sole accommodation. Why is that?

He's got a compulsive hand-washing thing, plus he paces a lot. He'd also not cope with a shared kitchen because of his social anxiety and would have struggled to cook around others. So altogether, living with others wouldn't have worked for him. The massive downside is the lack of "forced" social contact.

His current accommodation is quite far from campus as it was his insurance choice. Hopefully we can at least get him moved closer for the 2nd year which may help a bit. I'm stretching there though, I think

@PennywisePoundFoolishi see yes that makes things more challenging. Our uni has wellbeing officers. I’m wondering if you can make contact with a member of staff such as that as he has a few challenges to overcome in meeting other students. Here

https://www.exeter.ac.uk/students/wellbeing/adviceforfamilyandfriends/

Would he join this society, penny-wise? Looks like joining can be online. All he needs to do is take the first step of dropping an email. Looks like there's a discord server too; lots of autistic YP are quite comfortable on discord.

Neurodivergent and Disabled Students Society https://share.google/xlu0GHT0cjA2Z1Fyg

Not exactly the same situation but my son is an introvert. I'd like to see him socialise more but he finds small talk boring/an effort and doesn't really drink.

He does go to the odd social event (one is weekly around a hobby he has) but not many.

He says he's got acquaintances but no one he'd call a friend.

I was quite worried to begin with but he seems content and I'm trying to chill a bit - it's still early days and as you say there's nothing we can do anyway.

My DS. Sounds very like yours. We knew he'd find it all difficult given his social anxiety but didn't realise quite how much everything changing at once would overwhelm him. DS is in a standard uni flat but living on sandwiches as he can't cope with going into the kitchen as he might bump into one of the others. (We had big progress though last week when he cooked a ready meal in the kitchen - admittedly in the middle of the night as he was confident no one would be there, and only ready meal as could be in and out of kitchen in 5 mins, but it's a start!) He's switched courses to one with less small group work but still not made it to any seminars, though has gone to some lectures (but sits as far away as possible from people and keeps his eyes down). He's also refusing mentor support etc, but did agree to come with me to talk to the support team so is at least on their radar now and his tutor and lecturers know about his issues. So that also meant tutor agreed to me going with DS to meet tutor, which was helpful as tutor very supportive. But we're also trying to be really positive about what he has achieved (cleaning, laundry, shopping, coursework). Given his lack of communication with us in the last few years (never responded to texts, one-word answers to questions in person, lots of teenage grunting), he's been relatively communicative with us - responding to messages, FaceTiming every few days, us visiting every couple of weeks (helps that we take him out for a meal each time!) But it's so hard seeing them not making the most of uni life, just hoping that he will continue to make little steps of progress and eventually make some friends. We're looking at a studio flat for him next year (assuming he makes it through this year) but non-uni ones expensive and there's likely to be people with higher needs prioritised for the uni ones.

I’m slightly twitched as 16 year old boy has been shot on same road as DDs halls in Sheffield tonight. We are not completely unfamiliar with these violent crimes as we live in Leeds but it feels too close really and I don’t like not being there.

I saw that - sorry it’s so close to your DD. Unsurprising you feel twitchy about it - hope she’s not too shaken.

My son is also at Sheffield but was in London last night with his brother so I doubt he’s heard about it.

Is he is uni accomodation - if he has changed his mind re cooking around others there are spaces I suspect on campus now from people leaving? Also likely to be studios free on campus too. My daughter had a friend in an on campus studio at Exeter who wanted to move to group accommodation and recently did - there is movement now some kids have decided uni not for them.

I hadn’t seen that. Where in Sheffield was it?
Who’s seen the news about that 21 year old in Chester? It’s heartbreaking, the poor family. My worst nightmare - I know we can’t protect our children forever but things like that make me want to collect mine and bring them home straight away.

How shocking...the poor boy and his family. It must be very unsettling, and I do hope it's an isolated incident.

So the boy who was shot ( he’s critically ill I think) was 16 and he was shot by a 15 year old. I can’t seem to find out any more details but how are children accessing guns? Scary.

That’s awful! 😢

@PennywisePoundFoolish so sorry to hear that your DC is struggling. Not sure if this would help but my DC (awaiting ASD diagnosis) has chosen a non alcohol quiet accommodation and has found that many of the flatmates are also ND. Would this be something your DC would be comfortable with? You could ask the uni if there was a possibility of moving accommodation.
I really thought that my DC would struggle but choosing this accommodation has really helped, she seems to have found her people.
Just a thought, it’s so tough when they struggle, my eldest struggled throughout uni and as a parent, you feel kind of helpless. I hope that things change for your DC soon.

The shooting and missing student news is just awful 😢

Thanks for the supportive replies. DS2 is in private accommodation; Exeter was his insurance option, so we basically panic-booked as there was a lot of stuff online that Exeter was a bit of a nightmare with accommodation allocation and shortages etc. It's good 30 minutes walk to campus, he tried cycling but found that too daunting as he's not used to city traffic etc.

They've had maintenance work going on at the accommodation since before Reading week, and he was weeks without the laundry room and couldn't understand the instructions for the alternative, so resorted to buying more clothes . He also couldn't find where the reception desk had moved to so wasn't get his parcels etc. I'm pretty underwhelmed they decided to do this work in the first term, as it's really not the cheapest accommodation. So we're definitely looking for at least a closer to campus option for the 2nd year.

He rings every day, but doesn't usually have much to say, which he's always been like tbh. Yesterday he was very upbeat, I think he's finding the weekends tough but isn't currently able/willing to do anything to help that - joining groups, looking for a part time job etc.

I'll send him the links to online communities and hopefully he'll take look.

He is really enjoying the course itself and is cooking, cleaning and shopping etc which is a big step forward for him. I just worry a lot as he finds discussing his feelings so difficult. We'd tried various counselling/therapy formats but they only make him worse.