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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Worried about distraught dd following Oxbridge rejection

87 replies

worriedmum0 · 30/01/2025 23:20

Vey concerned mum here. DD has always been a sensitive child but also very shy and lacking in confidence / self-worth. I know she's very bright but she does not necessarily believe she is. However, following great GCSEs and A Star predictions the school nudged her into applying for Oxbridge and she fell in love with Cambridge on the open day. One lovely teacher had been giving her mock interviews for History and Politics and encouraging her to explore the subjects which I positively saw translate into growing confidence.

However, today she was rejected and has been hysterically crying since coming home and blaming herself for being stupid for thinking she could get into a university like Cambridge. I have of course reassured her she is a lovely, intelligent girl but I think in the months of preparation the uni had become an idyllic dream for which was shattered with a rather cold, impersonal email.

Is it normal for dc to be so devastated as I am quite concerned and not sure as to whether this will pass or if it's an indicator of a bigger issue? There are plenty of other great universities she can attend however I think this romanticised dream of Cambridge has consumed her and I don't know how to help

OP posts:
verycloakanddaggers · 30/01/2025 23:27

It was only today. Be very kind to her and let her lick her wounds for a bit. Don't rush her past her feelings. Keep an eye on anything intensifying, but also it is very upsetting, can be temporarily crushing, to be rejected. See how she is tomorrow, and the day after.

ETA: blaming herself for being stupid for thinking she could get into a university like Cambridge keep an eye on this, of course, as this isn't healthy.

Have you said 'I understand, it really hurts'?

ThermoMetrics · 30/01/2025 23:34

Yes, I think it's perfectly normal to be deeply deeply upset at this stage when your dream falls through.

Saying this to her will be absolutely no consolation, so I really wouldn't, but whatever path her life takes her on instead will come to be the 'right' path.

A nephew of mine was 'rejected' by Cambridge- incredibly bright and personable. He enjoyed his eventual university, stayed on for masters and now works in his chosen field. It all turned out well.

Where else has your DD applied?

NowThatYouSayIt · 30/01/2025 23:36

Perfectly normal to be this upset on the day. Let her sit with feeling miserable for a little while, rather thsn try to jolly her too much.

herbygarden · 30/01/2025 23:46

My brother was rejected for Oxford, picked himself up, had a gap year, reapplied got in, is now doing his DPhil at Oxford, he's also taught there part time. Won prestigious awards and scholarships and all sorts. I'm not saying this is necessarily a great plan, because if it ended in heartbreak again that would be awful but perhaps even the idea of not being permanently 100% out of the running might be soothing to your daughter right now?

DiddlyDiddly · 30/01/2025 23:48

It will pass. A friend of mine's DD cried for a month after getting rejected from Oxford. But everyone manages to move forward, however slowly or quickly just depends on them.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/01/2025 23:49

Remember too that 18000 others will also have been rejected after applying at different stages. Eventually the hurt will subside. Let her have a little time to get over the news and then be excited about other offers she holds.

worriedmum0 · 30/01/2025 23:55

Thank you all, I gave her a cuddle and let her cry as long as she needed to. She has offers from Newcastle, York, Lancaster and Warwick . She told me how it was a dream of hers and it breaks my heart to see her so devastated. Hoping we can look back on this a year from now where she's happy wherever she is 😊

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 30/01/2025 23:56

I’m going to differ. I do have sympathy, and it’s normal to be a bit upset and down, but her reaction is rather too strong. Cambridge is one option, but not the only one. No one should have this university as their sole dream. What advice has she had about possible rejection and being positive about other universities? School staff should know better than to champion one university too because everyone knows it’s unpredictable and not just about high grades. Nearly everyone will have those. There’s other tests and the interview which won’t be easy and often you cannot train for them.

She’s got plenty of other opportunities. Maybe she is a bit immature and they could see this when they interviewed her? If you build up one university to mean everything, it’s much further to fall. So see how she gets on but I think she might now need to be honest and perhaps reflect on why high pressure Cambridge might not have been the best plan for her. One setback and it’s hysterical crying so 3 years of high pressure with possible set backs might not have been the best idea

Being sad and reflective is more normal from what I have seen so I hope she can get to that and look forward to other offers. Of course bright dc can do well elsewhere and it’s important to understand that. Even if if takes a week or two. Some things just aren’t meant to be. I say that as a mum whose DD bombed an A level and lost her place on results day. There is a thread about Oxbridge - another path. Everyone is in the same boat on that one.

LuluBlakey1 · 30/01/2025 23:59

worriedmum0 · 30/01/2025 23:55

Thank you all, I gave her a cuddle and let her cry as long as she needed to. She has offers from Newcastle, York, Lancaster and Warwick . She told me how it was a dream of hers and it breaks my heart to see her so devastated. Hoping we can look back on this a year from now where she's happy wherever she is 😊

Newcastle is lovely- a wonderful place to live and go to uni. She'd have a fantastic time here. So is York. I went to both on graduate and post-grad courses.

maudelovesharold · 31/01/2025 00:07

As a pp said, if she is very keen on Cambridge, she could always give it another go after having a gap year doing course-related activities/travelling/
work experience which she can talk about at any future interview she might get. She will then be applying, having already got her (hopefully good!) A Level grades, so potentially in a stronger position. A friend’s son got into Oxford at the 2nd attempt.

zoemum2006 · 31/01/2025 00:09

I’ve just been through the Cambridge process with my DD and it’s a gruelling experience.

You talked about her being shy/ not very confident. The admissions teams at Oxbridge do not want to stress young people out; their 8 week terms are brutal so the people they pick are very comfortable with a no mercy approach.

basically, she probably wouldn’t have been that happy at Cambridge and she will thrive in a gentler environment.

edit: it’s nothing to do with her academic ability. Cambridge wouldn’t have interviewed her if they didn’t think she was a suitable candidate.

Christwosheds · 31/01/2025 00:14

OP I posted these in another thread but have a look at Matt Williams’ YouTube videos that cover rejection . He is a tutor at Oxford , and was rejected himself , (twice). He did a masters at Oxford and does outreach and teaching at Jesus.
I think he is really helpful on the whole process.
Reassure your daughter that this one incident doesn’t mean she won’t have an amazing experience at another great uni. It also doesn’t rule out Oxbridge, she can apply for a Masters in the future.

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eF2N1fyI0Jg

Stillnormal · 31/01/2025 00:18

On the very off chance that she had her heart set on rowing she could do that in York! Might that help?

Did she have other friends who also applied? It might help her to know others who haven't been offered a place as well - maybe try look at 'the student room' or something like that if you think so - there'll be plenty there I would think. It is normal though - it's a real absolute fucker that one of the main things that some young people with excellent academic records have to work so hard on to make these applications is confidence, and then that's exactly what gets crushed. The dust will clear though and hopefully she will find that her confidence has grown with the experience anyway, of her teachers and peers investing in their belief that among all of those people in the place she was coming from she had the best chance of getting in. She won't have to eat her dinner in a cape for her first year on University at least!

ThatsNotMyTeen · 31/01/2025 00:24

Let her have a bit of a mope and then it’s your job as a parent to help her dry her eyes and move on. Honestly it’s only a university. There are plenty of other good ones that she’d flourish in just as well. Most people who have built good lives and careers have done so without Oxbridge

MissHollysDolly · 31/01/2025 00:26

Has she asked for feedback from the tutors who interviewed her? I did, acted on it and then got a place the following year.

Franjipanl8r · 31/01/2025 00:27

Is this her first ever real taste of bitter disappointment or rejection?

Oneflewovermydogsbed · 31/01/2025 00:37

My son who is stupidly intelligent went to Lancaster,he was definitely Oxbridge material,but not studious enough to cope with the regime. He absolutely loved Lancaster with the college system,beautiful campus,great student accommodation etc . Cannot recommend Lancaster enough and very high in University Rankings,he has his dream job in Melbourne and got the job as an ecologist purely on the University he got his degree from.

ADiffererntPath · 31/01/2025 00:44

Hi OP,

Hope sharing this helps. Have name changed as quite a lot of detail!

Been there though DS got further through the process.

He was very upset and we gave him time to process his disappointment. Had a bad couple of weeks until he suddenly snapped out of it with an attitude of "I'll bloody show them".

Interestingly his other options were nearly identical (but swap Warwick for Durham). He got offers from all of them.

In the end he chose Lancaster, ironically at the same time I was doing a post grad at York (our own War of the Roses!).

Of the two I think Lancaster was much better and very underrated as uni in general. York is the nicer city, but imho Lancaster knocks its socks off in respect of the Uni (though you need to consider subject - for DS Lancaster rated significantly more highly than York in top 6 UK). The campus is much better in terms of facilities (massive variety of shops, restaurants, hairdressers, you name it it's there and the library is fantastic).

The accommodation is a much higher standard (all en-suite) with it guaranteed on campus in your first year and some students stay all 3 years but many choose to live in the city after year one and there is lots of choice that is well maintained and won't break the bank run by Lancaster Student Housing (n stark contrast to York where accommodation costs are very expensive and on campus very dated in some cases).

Cost of living is cheaper and you are 30 mins away from the Coast, The Lakes and Manchester by (regular) public transport.

Upshot was he was VERY happy there and though we can't be certain without a "sliding doors" effect, I think even Cambridge would have found it hard to beat the positive experience he had there.

So where are we now....well he ended up with a First Class Degree and is now a post grad at.....yep Cambridge in the same college he applied to as an undergraduate 😀.

He has already got a prestigious job offer when he finishes having been accepted to intern over the summer (based on his Lancaster academic record not Cambridge - they agreed to defer the job offer for him to go after he was accepted - so no, top jobs are not always Oxbridge dependent!).

So a different path but he got there in the end! He's enjoying it and doing really well, but actually says he preferred the general vibe at Lancaster though he admits that whilst he coasted to his First there, he's actually having to put in "a bit" of effort at Cambridge 😂.

So give your DD some time, but also some hope. Like my DS she may end up taking a different path to end up at the "dream" destination and doing that might actually be a more positive and rewarding experience.

Best of luck!

ADiffererntPath · 31/01/2025 00:49

Oneflewovermydogsbed · 31/01/2025 00:37

My son who is stupidly intelligent went to Lancaster,he was definitely Oxbridge material,but not studious enough to cope with the regime. He absolutely loved Lancaster with the college system,beautiful campus,great student accommodation etc . Cannot recommend Lancaster enough and very high in University Rankings,he has his dream job in Melbourne and got the job as an ecologist purely on the University he got his degree from.

Was typing my post before I saw this.

Absolutely agree.

Our experience of Lancaster was excellent and yes, the college system was brilliant especially in year one.

Also great OP is that you have the option of self catering or you can buy food hall passes (either full or partial) for the year. It's a really good system.

DS was Cartmel 😀.

Oneflewovermydogsbed · 31/01/2025 01:00

Aah I was just going off to sleep. My son was in County College,he had a duck pond literally outside his flat. He absolutely loved it there ,with the lakes close by but also could jump on a train and go to Manchester for a night out.Lancaster had a couple of clubs ,can remember the sugar house as a venue. Cannot recommend Lancaster enough and very,happy memories as a Mum going to visit him .

ADiffererntPath · 31/01/2025 01:46

Oneflewovermydogsbed · 31/01/2025 01:00

Aah I was just going off to sleep. My son was in County College,he had a duck pond literally outside his flat. He absolutely loved it there ,with the lakes close by but also could jump on a train and go to Manchester for a night out.Lancaster had a couple of clubs ,can remember the sugar house as a venue. Cannot recommend Lancaster enough and very,happy memories as a Mum going to visit him .

Edited

Likewise 😀.

Had some great weekends there visiting and exploring The Lakes/Coast with him. The city may be small, but the (cheap public transport supported all within 30 mins) opportunities for an array of experiences are brilliant.

By comparison it can take you 30 mins to get from York Uni to the city centre. In Lancaster you can get from the station to the Coast in that time or to The Lake District!!

Stayed in some fantastic (and not stupidly priced - unlike Cambridge) hotels/AirB&B's.

I think some people are put off as Lancaster isn't Russel Group - but fail to realise it outperforms most RG Uni's overall and significantly so in some subjects.

OP - I'd definitely recommend you go to a Lancaster open day with your DD to have a look. We visited all his offer places and it was the standout for us.

Some people were shocked he by-passed Durham but he (and we) just didn't "feel it".

York was good (and as per my pp) I studied there but compared to Lancaster the facilities have not been as well upgraded/maintained. I should also add the cost of food at York on campus (in food shops, cafes) was very expensive compared to Lancaster and frankly not as good quality.

Ceramiq · 31/01/2025 07:19

Oxford and Cambridge are brutal - very short terms, extremely highly performing peer group, demanding standards. One of the filters at admissions is for people not strong enough to withstand the demands (and they don't always get it right), however engaged they are with their subject. The architecture/urbanism does attract cerebral people who are wistful for beauty and peace and imagine themselves lost in books but that is only part of the experience which can in fact be an awful lot more harsh than at other universities. If your DD is as upset as you say she is, she is unlikely to have had the mental fortitude to withstand the rigours of Cambridge. Gently, you might help her reframe her disappointment in that light. Maybe three or four years from now she will be ready for a postgraduate degree at Cambridge?

Tarantella6 · 31/01/2025 07:21

One of my friends was rejected by Oxford. She took a year out, studied abroad then reapplied. They offered her a place and she took great pleasure in turning them down 😁

amidsummernightsdream · 31/01/2025 07:24

Im not sure I have any advice but I did see this yesterday, which may not be what your dd wants to see right now but in the comimg weeks might help see although not the path she wanted, there are other paths to get to where she wants

www.instagram.com/reel/DCrDpWENEWo/?igsh=NGFuamJyMzlidmk0

TickingAlongNicely · 31/01/2025 07:25

I was your DD 20 years ago. I felt so stupid following the rejection letter (which said I was bottom 25% of applicants).

It took me a while to understand that was bottom 25% of the very top. So still well above average. I got 97% in my Maths alecel for example... (sorry for boast)

I went on to have a brilliant time at Sheffield

Even being considered enough to apply is a massive achievement. Your DD has done well.