Worried about distraught dd following Oxbridge rejection

[worriedmum0]

Vey concerned mum here. DD has always been a sensitive child but also very shy and lacking in confidence / self-worth. I know she's very bright but she does not necessarily believe she is. However, following great GCSEs and A Star predictions the school nudged her into applying for Oxbridge and she fell in love with Cambridge on the open day. One lovely teacher had been giving her mock interviews for History and Politics and encouraging her to explore the subjects which I positively saw translate into growing confidence.

However, today she was rejected and has been hysterically crying since coming home and blaming herself for being stupid for thinking she could get into a university like Cambridge. I have of course reassured her she is a lovely, intelligent girl but I think in the months of preparation the uni had become an idyllic dream for which was shattered with a rather cold, impersonal email.

Is it normal for dc to be so devastated as I am quite concerned and not sure as to whether this will pass or if it's an indicator of a bigger issue? There are plenty of other great universities she can attend however I think this romanticised dream of Cambridge has consumed her and I don't know how to help

Hi OP. I was rejected by Oxford many years ago and it does initially feel like the end of the world. However I got over it, ended up at Durham (like so many Oxbridge rejects ) and probably had a better time than I would have at Oxford. Be kind to her right now as she has had a massive blow to her confidence, but she will be fine in the long term.

I got rejected from Oxford (15 years ago now), ended up going to York and having an amazing time.

My very good state school had hand picked a selection of us from as early as year 11 to prep for Oxbridge entry, meaning I'd spent 2 years going to open days, Q&A sessions and having teacher coaching. If you spend that long thinking and working towards something it can become a bit all consuming, and you want it even more just because it's hard and you're talking about it all the time. I realise now it probably wouldn't have been right for me but it's difficult to see that at the time.

My interview went badly so I knew rejection was coming and had already dealt with it, but some of my friends in the group were devastated. All went on to have amazing times at Uni and great careers.

Wishing your daughter lots of luck.

I'd just sit with your DD in her sadness right now. Steer her away from the "I'm not good enough" rhetoric but allow her this moment of disappointment.
HistPol is very hard to get into, not sure what college she applied to but it's quite varied year on year. My DS was looking at HistPol and after speaking to students on open day and after looking at admissions stats, we went for History as it was slightly better odds and he was 50 50 anyway on which course. This isn't to berate the choice, but to acknowledge that she went for something that was really really difficult to get into so the odds were stacked against her. She did really well to get interview!
I personally know one of the Admissions staff in Cambridge and she told me every year they "miss" amazing candidates and they get so many applications that even a 90% accuracy rate means they miss loads of amazing people. She knows this because half the time she meets them as post grads and they tell her they didn't get in as undergraduate and she's sitting there going how did we miss this person. Help your DD see this in terms of "they messed up and missed you" rather than you failed to get in.

She has other options and offers which is awesome, and I know someone who teaches and Lancaster and really rates their teaching staff in that area. This may be a great option for her. But I'd steer from pushing that too right now in the heat of the moment. She needs a day or two to wallow.

Finally my friend's DD who was rejected from Oxbridge said the worst part was friend's and teachers, she felt so embarrassed to tell them. And that was the worst part, in herself she was OK with it but hated having tell people

She could always apply again after A levels if she does really well and still feels the same. She could take a year out and defer her place at one of the other unis. But in the meantime let her cry her eyes out it's a huge disappointment for her. Girls more than boys tend to take these things personally as a comment on their own abilities rather than other factors such as just bad luck on the day.

I was your daughter just very 30 years ago. I got an offer from an arguably better place ( now there are rankings it has been number 1 in subject worldwide for a long time). Now I am graduated and working in my field I see colleagues who graduated from Cambridge and I realise my brain operates in a different way to theirs I would not have thrived at Cambridge.

Hindsight is a marvellous thing, but sometimes our greatest disappointment can be the best thing to happen to us.
Grieve Cambridge, then really consider her other offers she is clearly a bright girl in whom others can see great potential as she has offers from wonderful places. Work out which one of them is the best fit for her.

This happened to my dd. Like everyone else mentioned on this thread she got over it, went elsewhere and did well. The point I want to make is the hardest thing for her was all her friends and teachers sympathising and telling her she should have got in. I know they were trying to help but it didn’t - it actually just made her feel more of a failure. So just be there for her, let her cry, be sad for her but know she will get over it and be fine. It’s ok to be sad when dreams don’t work out. But picking yourself up is important too.

I think she might now need to be honest and perhaps reflect on why high pressure Cambridge might not have been the best plan for her. One setback and it’s hysterical crying so 3 years of high pressure with possible set backs might not have been the best idea

I agree with this. Not Oxbridge, but DD was unsuccessful at applying for medicine. She did get the required A level grades, took a gap year, worked, volunteered and travelled and ended up at her first choice university doing a different degree where she achieved a first. She is now studying a post grad degree at a different university.

She realises now that she has dodged a bullet.

@worriedmum0 tell your DD that she is allowed to feel disappointed and mourn what might have been. Then she can consider her other options.

I know someone who was rejected from Oxbridge, took a year out, reapplied with grades in hand, were accepted, became an academic, and never left, they are still there now as a senior academic. If that helps in any way!

Reframe it …. rather than a rejection try and see it as a redirection.

Most things happen for a reason and she may well have been very unhappy at Cambridge.

If she struggles with her confidence she will probably have a better time at another university. I have so many friends who found Oxbridge a stressful nightmare. The universities look dreamy and idyllic, but the truth is more complicated.

I didn't apply for Cambridge for this very reason – I had the grades but not the personality for it. Had a great time at uni. No regrets.

I've seen quite a few who didn't get a place on wiwikau who have taken it badly.

DS loved Warwick, I'm sure she'll be happy wherever she goes.

Honestly unis don't really matter that much in most instances post graduation. I'm a Dr, can't say I've ever been asked where I went to uni. I decided against oxbridge application in the end as unis don't really understand the scoring system for international baccalaureate and don't set genuine alevel equivalents so was unrealistic and had so many say the experience is better elsewhere. If you're good enough to apply you'll be good enough to succeed wherever you go.

York is amazing it's where I did 3 years of my 5y course (even if it did take me a while to understand the locals being a southerner!)

I think it’s completely normal for her to be upset. I didn’t try for oxbridge as I knew I didn’t stand a chance even with the grades but I’ve had plenty of other hard disappointments which are pretty devastating at the time. But life continues as it always does and when one door closes, another opens . As other have said either reapply next year or perhaps your DD is destined for a masters there or a PHd or equivalent. Or maybe she’ll go to another university and meet the love or her life on the first day. Who knows? but she will eventually pick herself up as we all eventually do and start to focus on the positives of the other universities. It will all be ok in the end.

Lol yup. My parents do their best to put anyone that asks for tips of how to get into medical school as far off applying as they possibly can. I'm not that extreme I still love my job, but wow I was naive as an 18yo as to what it actually involves and the crap you have ti tolerate

The vast majority of kids who apply don't get in - the acceptance rate is only 21% of the students they interview, and to be invited to interview means having the right grades etc. already.

It's really disappointing for her, but this is a good teachable moment about resilience and moving on. Allow her time to be upset, but then be brisk, empathetic but firm, and get her to start considering her options. Does she want to take a gap year and reapply? Or go elsewhere? Start looking into her other offers, and potential gap years if that's what she wants to do. Dismiss any wails of not being clever enough - the majority of applicants are clever enough, it's just luck on the day plus whatever specifics those interviewers were looking for.

Hi Op, I just wanted to say I have a similar story to several people on here who seem to have gone through the Oxbridge-rejection-ended-up-at-Lancaster scenario!

I wasn't actually rejected by Oxbridge, I didn't have the confidence to apply as a kid born into extreme poverty growing up in an extremely deprived city in the late 1980s, at a school on the edge of a sink estate where about 16 of 1000+ kids got just enough GCSEs to do A levels. I went a red brick which I loved, but having got my degree and a first class Masters I ended up doing my PhD at Lancaster as it was then the best place in the world for my subject - in that instance, I rejected Cambridge, because Lancaster was stronger.

I've worked in multiple top flight universities since, but keep being drawn back to Lancaster - both the place and the university - for all the reasons mentioned upthread. As it goes, a close family member did do the Cambridge thing and was never as happy as I was at Lancaster and hasn't been as successful academically.

The wheel turns full circle as the children of some of my old school friends are now at Lancaster, there seems to be a mass migration! I tell them to keep it a secret, if people get to find out that it's a strong university in a delightful city in a fabulous regional location we won't be able to keep this lovely place quietly to ourselves 😀

Best of luck to your DD. She's bright, she'll do well wherever she goes. I'm living proof of that.

Perfectly normal. DD was rejected with 4 A* and 2 grade 8’s on different instruments. She was devastated for a couple of days. However, that early entry meant that her other offers were really low ball as the other universities knew she was clever. There was someone on here who runs admissions for Oxford who said that they get it wrong all the time and lose out on some great students and put some through who don’t cut it 🤷‍♀️

DD is at another red brick having a fabulous time and says that she is really glad now as she doesn’t feel it would have been a good fit looking back on it, she had just been sucked in with the idea of it. Time and maturity has allowed her to see that. She did consider going and doing her Masters at Oxford but has opted to stay put. I’m sure your DD will do well wherever she is.

I’m not sure if I’m missing the point here, but I didn’t think this was about people who have survived similar so much as, you are worried about your DD now. Probably she will be ok, but rejection is always hard, and for some young people, this is the first time they have, as they see it, failed. We try to teach them resilience, and one part of that is to see that actually, it will be ok in the end, and the path they end up on is full of unexpected turns, which just enrich. But for some, this first time is really difficult to process and manage. Please really try to hear how she feels and understand how it’s affecting her, give her space and other people to talk to (school, Childline-it doesn’t matter). Our lives are about coping when it gets tough, it’s easy for us all when it all goes our way, but that resilience can be hard to come across.

This is great. The more you can be with her while she’s in pain and be a container for it, the more she will feel she is able to safely feel those big feelings. And the easier they will be for her. The key is just being with the feelings and that’s what you’re already doing.

As a PP says, keep your eye on the negative self-talk ‘I’m too stupid for Cambridge’ etc.

Yes, reassure her it's actually, strangely enough, not personal. There are so many applicants, that even being super-academic, with extraordinary extra-curricular achievements and a fabulous personality can't guarantee a place. Is DD from private or state school? My nephew ( publicly educated, with ALL the above), did not get in to Cambridge. My nephew- from a rough comprehensive with poor opportunities ( he had to do one of his A levels by himself at home as it was not offered anywhere within reach of home) is studying at Oxford. He was careful in his research and applications and went for a (less well known) college with a higher quota of state educated students.

she’s got offers from some great universities She isn’t stupid if she got an interview at Cambridge. She’s done well to get that far.

one of my dc was rejected by Cambridge last year and has applied again this year and currently waiting to hear (for postgraduate). So a gap year and reapplying is an option.

sometimes also the rejection isn’t about lack of ability but more about them thinking Cambridge might not be a good fit for the individual.

and there’s always postgraduate opportunities.

Senior academic here who didn't get into Oxford (I was pretty upset at the time!) and went to one of the universities your daughter is holding offers for instead. I had a great time at that university and in hindsight I can see that the course suited me much better than the Oxford one would have (the modules were far more interesting and innovative). I did really well there and got funding for an MA and PhD.

There are many, many applicants who are "clever enough" for Oxbridge, but they obviously can't all get in. In retrospect, I am glad that I went somewhere else; not only because the course was more interesting, but I really don't think I would have benefitted from the tutorial system at that age. Like your daughter, I was very shy when I was 18 and I can't imagine that I'd have flourished in that kind of teaching scenario. One of the things they're looking for is not simply intelligence but whether applicants will benefit from the tutorial system. I teach a lot of very intelligent students now with top A-level grades, but I can see that many of them would not be best supported by that system.

Let her be sad. The undergraduate life in Cambridge is very demanding, and rejection is more to do with fitting in with the system than ability (otherwise she would not even have got interviewed).

Postgraduate work is another opportunity, but honestly an easier application.

The idea you drift around reading books is not real. If you are not going to fail then you are going to be working hard, and competing against very motivated people.

Thank you all for the very helpful messages! She seemed much better today and went off to school as normal. Lovely to hear Lancaster is so well regarded as we both really liked it and DD is keen on the idea of a college system. She realises that this does not diminish her intelligence at all as all 8s and 9s at GCSE and three A Stars in her December mocks confirms that she is indeed bright and will flourish wherever she goes

I did this, angry sobbed for a morning and then painted a blue self portrait (had no idea at that time it was what Picasso did!)

Then got over it and ended up at one of the universities you mentioned and had a ball.

Failure is often the making of us - I've failed and hit problems as many times as I've achieved high grades and distinctions. However, The failures were when I learned the most important lessons and grew the most.