Worried about distraught dd following Oxbridge rejection

[worriedmum0]

Vey concerned mum here. DD has always been a sensitive child but also very shy and lacking in confidence / self-worth. I know she's very bright but she does not necessarily believe she is. However, following great GCSEs and A Star predictions the school nudged her into applying for Oxbridge and she fell in love with Cambridge on the open day. One lovely teacher had been giving her mock interviews for History and Politics and encouraging her to explore the subjects which I positively saw translate into growing confidence.

However, today she was rejected and has been hysterically crying since coming home and blaming herself for being stupid for thinking she could get into a university like Cambridge. I have of course reassured her she is a lovely, intelligent girl but I think in the months of preparation the uni had become an idyllic dream for which was shattered with a rather cold, impersonal email.

Is it normal for dc to be so devastated as I am quite concerned and not sure as to whether this will pass or if it's an indicator of a bigger issue? There are plenty of other great universities she can attend however I think this romanticised dream of Cambridge has consumed her and I don't know how to help

Cambridge do interview around 75% and it’s to judge suitability for their style of teaching. I think the course DD applied for has around a 1:5 chance of getting a place. Ratio of applications to successful applications after interviews. I do rather feel schools and parents need to read the stats and make sure dc understand the chance of getting a place. Every applicant being interviewed is a great candidate. Getting in is a cherry on a cake. Great if it’s on your slice but the rest of the cake is still yummy! That’s the other universities. I do think quite a lot more effort needs to go in to explaining chances. That’s not to put anyone off, it’s to be realistic so it’s not such a devastation because 80% who applied are in exactly the same position. They will also thrive elsewhere.

In the old days you at least got all the letters through the door and could work up to opening them!

Thank you so much for all these lovely messages and almost teared up in bed from all the kindness and reassurance. DD told me she is disappointed but she came home and revised for an upcoming geography test and has plans with a friend to look forward to this weekend!

She's a bright but sensitive girl and on top of the Oxbridge stress I think she is also overwhelmed at how fast everything is moving in regards to school and leaving home and I'll let her grieve as long as she wants/needs to but remain enthusiastic about her other options

An absolutely lovely boy in DDs year got rejected who I have known from a young age and from an objective view and she told me herself she thinks Cambridge has made a massive mistake in rejecting as he is a bloody genius but simultaneously so humble and positive

Oxbridge is indeed not the be all and end all and I didn't even go to uni myself but thank you all again so much, this has been really helpful

@worriedmum0 It cannot be an exact science. It’s SO competitive so all the students who are lovely and very talented won’t get in. Wherever she (and he) now choose, they will find other bright people. They are not exclusively at Oxbridge.

Oxford, in 2923, took 19% with a disability and 28% BME. They like their targets! I would also say that sometimes being “humble” doesn’t get you as far as it should. Confidence often does and being the right “fit”. Entry to Oxbridge is getting very unpredictable and we all know people who would have flourished there but didn’t get the chance. The key is to grasp the chance elsewhere.

It sounds like she is improving so just keep looking after her.

Also if other people are also getting rejection letters then she will have some solidarity with them.

This is a very good thread. The pressure at Cambridge can be intense. You have half a year each year to learn and pass exams grades against your cohort.

If you fuck up or do not work it can ruin your mental health and too often people feel that they will disappoint parents.

The stress is particularly acute at exam time when people crack up. In my year, one boy threw himself out of a window to hurt himself so he didn't have to take his exams. Several others had mental breakdowns. They were all smart people but could not handle the stress.

Glad to read your DD is feeling less sad. Hope one of the other universities turns out to be the making of her.

Completely normal, DS was pooled, but not picked out (so rejected) and his GF of 2 years got an offer. He was inconsolable and she felt awful but they worked through it.

DS chose Bath, and is so pleased he did. He absolutely loves it, and his peers are remarkably similar - in his 1st year flat 10 out of 12 were also pooled but not picked from either O or C for STEM subjects.

Ironically GF didn't get the grades for C, and that was far harder for her as at least DS had time to process his disappointment, come to terms with it and make an alternative choice, but it all felt a bit rushed for his GF who was understandably devastated.

It's so tough for them, they have a dream, they work so hard and they get the results , but sometimes it just isn't meant to be.

DS has said to me on a number of occasions that although he couldn't see it at the time, it was absolutely the best thing that happened to him. And it's a lot easier to deal with finding out in January rather than August.

Just be there for your DC, short term, cheer them up and let them know your are there for them whatever happens, and when they are ready help them decide and prepare for wherever they do go.

Dd was rejected from Cambridge, it was a disappointment at that time although she handled it well. She ended up
In a London college and has throughly enjoyed her time there. Just be there for your Dd, listen to her and be enthusiastic in whatever she decides is her next step.

FYI - I did my Ph.D at Lancaster (graduated last year so recent) - it's a fantastic Uni. I've also been to a few conferences at Warwick and also got good vibes from there.

My son went to Lancaster and absolutely bloody thrived there,now a senior consultant ecologist,doing what he loves. My other son didn’t get A level results to get on the course he was hoping for at Leeds , I convinced him to accept the alternative, he is now in an amazing job,spent a year in Vancouver,now back in London earning £80,000 at the age of 25 .
It wasn’t the Uni that got him this far,it was his determination,drive and self confidence,believing in himself. Please encourage your daughter to be positive,not a failure…big world out there .

Fascinated to read about Lancaster uni in this thread! On my list for when my DD starts thinking about uni now 🫡
Pleased to hear your DD is feeling better, OP. I am another Oxbridge reject and even though I hated it (Oxford) at interview and didn't think it went well, I felt sad that I "wasn't good enough" and having to admit that to friends/teachers- especially when the others who interviewed from my school did get in! If I had had my heart massively set on it I can see that I would have been even more disappointed and for the calibre of people who apply to Oxbridge this is often their first exposure to this level of rejection/disappointment (luckily I had failed an abrsm music exam at that point in life so had had my failure lesson!!)