Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Worried about distraught dd following Oxbridge rejection

87 replies

worriedmum0 · 30/01/2025 23:20

Vey concerned mum here. DD has always been a sensitive child but also very shy and lacking in confidence / self-worth. I know she's very bright but she does not necessarily believe she is. However, following great GCSEs and A Star predictions the school nudged her into applying for Oxbridge and she fell in love with Cambridge on the open day. One lovely teacher had been giving her mock interviews for History and Politics and encouraging her to explore the subjects which I positively saw translate into growing confidence.

However, today she was rejected and has been hysterically crying since coming home and blaming herself for being stupid for thinking she could get into a university like Cambridge. I have of course reassured her she is a lovely, intelligent girl but I think in the months of preparation the uni had become an idyllic dream for which was shattered with a rather cold, impersonal email.

Is it normal for dc to be so devastated as I am quite concerned and not sure as to whether this will pass or if it's an indicator of a bigger issue? There are plenty of other great universities she can attend however I think this romanticised dream of Cambridge has consumed her and I don't know how to help

OP posts:
WarriorN · 31/01/2025 15:03

This is great. The more you can be with her while she’s in pain and be a container for it, the more she will feel she is able to safely feel those big feelings. And the easier they will be for her. The key is just being with the feelings and that’s what you’re already doing.

What a lovely post @MagicalMystical Smile

TizerorFizz · 31/01/2025 15:03

@worriedmum0 That is good news. There are loads of posters who see an academic career as being the goal but if it’s not for her, I would encourage her to start putting together a cv at university. Try and formulate what area of work she would like, then decide how to get it. Not going to Oxford didn’t set DD back at all but she worked at building her cv above and beyond study. Politics students are in a crowded space.

WarriorN · 31/01/2025 15:03

(Bold fail!)

Lampzade · 31/01/2025 15:23

All students who apply to Cambridge are predicted A stars or A’s
DD and a few of her peers were handpicked to apply to Cambridge . I could tell that dd wasn’t interested in applying to Cambridge and told her not to bother , but she gave in to pressure from the school.
She got through the first stage but didn’t get through the second stage .
She was upset (, even though she didn’t actually want to go to Cambridge ) . because she has always been a high achiever and didn’t like the feeling of being rejected .
She achieved all A stars in her A levels and went to another university .
She is thriving
Many of her peers on her uni course achieved A stars or A’s and have jobs in top investment banks
The truth is that many highly intelligent people get turned down from Oxbridge and other universities all the time . It really is the luck of the draw
Btw, it is very important that kids learn about resilience . It will stand them in good stead

TeaAndStrumpets · 31/01/2025 15:33

DD got into Oxford at her second attempt. She had struggled to decide between 2 equally enjoyable subjects, and applied to do History the first time. After she was unsuccessful her English teacher advised her that maybe she would be more suited to English Literature, so she applied to do that and got a place the next year.
I must add, being at Oxford was not particularly enjoyable for her. It doesn't suit everybody. She ended up doing her PhD in a northern redbrick university and really loved it there.

KnickerFolder · 31/01/2025 16:00

Christwosheds · 31/01/2025 00:14

OP I posted these in another thread but have a look at Matt Williams’ YouTube videos that cover rejection . He is a tutor at Oxford , and was rejected himself , (twice). He did a masters at Oxford and does outreach and teaching at Jesus.
I think he is really helpful on the whole process.
Reassure your daughter that this one incident doesn’t mean she won’t have an amazing experience at another great uni. It also doesn’t rule out Oxbridge, she can apply for a Masters in the future.

Oxbridge is a bit of a lottery, it doesn’t mean that she isn’t good enough. She can reapply next year or apply again as a post grad. Reapplying next year might not be the best path but she doesn’t have to decide now. Better to consider her options later when she feels less emotional. Knowing it is still a realistic option might help her deal with rejection now.

FWIW a lot of my peers at Oxford didn’t get in first time round. Off the top of my head, I’m pretty sure Stephen Fry didn’t get into Cambridge the first time round and failed his A levels multiple times. David Mitchell and Robert Webb met at Cambridge after Mitchell was rejected by Oxford and Webb had to resit his A levels.

latefloweringcrysanthemum · 31/01/2025 16:00

I would also add that sometimes they pick up on our sadness and disappointment however hard we try to disguise it. Parents invest a lot in this process much more so than in the past

Likewhatever · 31/01/2025 16:13

Reapply. DD knew several people who had been accepted at the second attempt.

Of course there are other universities but if her heart is set on Cambridge it’s worth a second shot.

kittyquiet · 31/01/2025 17:56

My first daughter, straight 9's and 3 A*'s got rejected last year, she won 2 prestigious essay competitions and had everything they asked for, always interviewed well. She was devastated, I was so worried about her. I asked her teacher to have a chat with her who was really lovely. Took about a week and she slowly began to get herself together. She's now at St A's and is living her best life. She even told me she was so glad of the rejection now.

urghhh47 · 31/01/2025 18:39

Oh bless her it's such a rejection. It's hard. My dd coped by changing her degree option completely it was like she needed just to do nothing that had anything to do with Oxbridge - she had applied for Religion and Theology but was rejected after interview for Oxford. She went on to study Pharmacology at KCL (got a 1st). And then a Masters in Law (distinction). She also got a coveted training place with PWC for accountancy in-between her degree and masters but left as she decided it wasn't for her.
Best of luck to you dd OP - it will be ok xx

Dearover · 31/01/2025 18:42

DD read PPE at Oxford. After taking a year out to pay for it, she is now doing her masters in the politics dept at York. She sent me a message yesterday saying "I love it here".

Encourage her to go to offer holder days & talk to students who are at each uni already. Wherever she goes, there will be others who were also interviewed by Oxford or Cambridge who she can bond with in fresher's week.

urghhh47 · 31/01/2025 18:43

Will just add that DD is 23 so this was not so very long ago! I do think that schools should coach their Oxbridge candidates and prepare them for the rejection they might face. It can be terribly damaging and I don't think enough is done to help them work through it.

Umbilicat · 31/01/2025 18:50

Sounds totally normal - floods of tears on the day, fine the next. As everyone says she’ll do brilliantly elsewhere as will literally tens of thousands of other rejects every year. Good luck to her!

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/01/2025 18:58

There is a huge difference between the dreaming spires of Oxbridge and the realities of it. Good friend of mine didn’t get in, but ended up at Cambridge doing a doctorate after a degree in Glasgow. They were far better equipped going at 21 and I know my friend has since been back as a visiting lecturer.
Lancaster is a fantastic university and also in a beautiful spot. Your DD is very, very bright and will do brilliantly wherever she goes.
She will get through it and life as an adult beckons…

Donttellempike · 31/01/2025 19:02

worriedmum0 · 30/01/2025 23:20

Vey concerned mum here. DD has always been a sensitive child but also very shy and lacking in confidence / self-worth. I know she's very bright but she does not necessarily believe she is. However, following great GCSEs and A Star predictions the school nudged her into applying for Oxbridge and she fell in love with Cambridge on the open day. One lovely teacher had been giving her mock interviews for History and Politics and encouraging her to explore the subjects which I positively saw translate into growing confidence.

However, today she was rejected and has been hysterically crying since coming home and blaming herself for being stupid for thinking she could get into a university like Cambridge. I have of course reassured her she is a lovely, intelligent girl but I think in the months of preparation the uni had become an idyllic dream for which was shattered with a rather cold, impersonal email.

Is it normal for dc to be so devastated as I am quite concerned and not sure as to whether this will pass or if it's an indicator of a bigger issue? There are plenty of other great universities she can attend however I think this romanticised dream of Cambridge has consumed her and I don't know how to help

Been there with my son. It’s their first major disappointment and it cuts deep.

I told my son that Oxbridge only interview the brightest so are rejecting very clever people all the time. He got over it and had done very well since. But it took a while.

She just needs to lick her wounds for now

IdaGlossop · 31/01/2025 19:05

Great that your DD is doing better today. Another tale to help your DD get a different perspective in time. I was an Oxbridge reject in the late 70s and felt very disillusioned when I got my rejection letter. I went to UCL, found it full of Oxbridge rejects and felt part of a club. We realised we had to have been bright to have been considered. I acknowledged that my school (northern comp and former grammar) had encouraged me to apply because they thought I had a chance of succeeding. I acknowledged that I had passed the entry exam but that I wasn't verbally articulate enough or confident enough to have impressed at interview. Those were the skills I learnt at UCL.

beadystar · 31/01/2025 19:08

It might be a blessing in the long run. Oxbridge rejected a friend of mine who came to Trinity, Dublin (where I was) instead. She got in to Cambridge to do a Masters when she was a few years more mature. She did well there but realised it would initially have been far too intense for her, fresh out of school and her family home, and that she would have floundered on the mental health side, rather than the academic. However the way it all worked out is that she met her now husband in that masters... life is funny. :)

jennylamb1 · 31/01/2025 19:18

zoemum2006 · 31/01/2025 00:09

I’ve just been through the Cambridge process with my DD and it’s a gruelling experience.

You talked about her being shy/ not very confident. The admissions teams at Oxbridge do not want to stress young people out; their 8 week terms are brutal so the people they pick are very comfortable with a no mercy approach.

basically, she probably wouldn’t have been that happy at Cambridge and she will thrive in a gentler environment.

edit: it’s nothing to do with her academic ability. Cambridge wouldn’t have interviewed her if they didn’t think she was a suitable candidate.

Edited

This. A school mum friend's eldest child got into Cambridge and then unfortunately experienced quite a few mental health issues. They have now suspended their studies. The pace is pretty remorseless apparently and your daughter may well have dodged a bullet. Much better to have a good experience in a still very good, though not elite institution.

HattieHelvetia · 31/01/2025 19:22

Sometimes on these threads the Oxbridge redirected are presented as an exclusive club. It's worth bearing in mind that some of the brightest DC don't even apply to Oxbridge. Mine chose not to with 4 A level A stars because they didn't like the course structure for their subject there.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 31/01/2025 19:23

If she is very serious about going she could take a gap year and reapply or plan to go there for postgrad.

I know this won’t help her right now, but it might help you: it’s not a great environment for people who are very sensitive. It’s hugely intense and pressured and there are some highly confident and intelligent people there. She might not have been happy there at all.

Christwosheds · 31/01/2025 19:31

Ceramiq · 31/01/2025 07:19

Oxford and Cambridge are brutal - very short terms, extremely highly performing peer group, demanding standards. One of the filters at admissions is for people not strong enough to withstand the demands (and they don't always get it right), however engaged they are with their subject. The architecture/urbanism does attract cerebral people who are wistful for beauty and peace and imagine themselves lost in books but that is only part of the experience which can in fact be an awful lot more harsh than at other universities. If your DD is as upset as you say she is, she is unlikely to have had the mental fortitude to withstand the rigours of Cambridge. Gently, you might help her reframe her disappointment in that light. Maybe three or four years from now she will be ready for a postgraduate degree at Cambridge?

Totally agree with this. My dd is at Oxford and yes it is brutal. Very intense, so that even her brilliant friends from countries used to this level of pressure are constantly stressed.

Kateb12 · 31/01/2025 19:40

worriedmum0 · 30/01/2025 23:55

Thank you all, I gave her a cuddle and let her cry as long as she needed to. She has offers from Newcastle, York, Lancaster and Warwick . She told me how it was a dream of hers and it breaks my heart to see her so devastated. Hoping we can look back on this a year from now where she's happy wherever she is 😊

Not to downplay your daughters feelings (and there's no advice I can offer) but like you said she's got offers from very good unis there :)

and she should feel incredibly proud to have even got the grades to apply for a uni like Cambridge.

All the best to your daughter :)

MincePiesAndStilton · 31/01/2025 19:41

Oxbridge reject here. Had I gone to Oxbridge, I would never have met my lovely husband, had our lovely children, had my wonderful career. It hurts like hell today, she needs lots of love and reassurance. But then she needs to knuckle down and make the most of the opportunities she will surely get at whichever uni she does go to.

ETA: I ended up at York. A fantastic uni, a beautiful and safe city, a wonderful part of the world.

WarriorN · 31/01/2025 19:43

Hannah Fry didn't get in and now she's done so well they've invited her to be a professor there!

everythingthelighttouches · 31/01/2025 19:57

Ah, your poor DD.

It will all work out for the best.
There are so many stories that your DD will hear now from people, and I hope they cheer her up a bit.

My DH was rejected from Cambridge and did his undergraduate degree at York. He loved York. He went on to do his PhD and a series of highly competitive post docs.
He’s a professor now.

I myself really fluffed up my A levels but in the end did my PhD (DPhil) at Oxford and I feel I got a great deal out of the “Oxford life” from the PhD. Perhaps more than if I’d been an undergrad.

Wishing your daughter lots of luck.