My previously studious sensible daughter appears to be partying far too much.

[RunningRaces]

I’m not sure what to say or do so I’ve not expressed any opinion either way and as a result she’s still being really honest about it with me. She’s bragging about the fact that her dorm mates have all got tired of the freshers lifestyle but the cool ones in her group still stay up to the early hours even as the rest fall away from the kitchen and go to bed. She seems to think that this makes her little hard core group the cool ones - privately I suspect her dorm mates are starting to be a bit sick of it. I’ve never had to deal with any poor judgement with her growing up - she was just naturally bright and responsible - I did not see this coming AT ALL. Naive of me, but here we are.

I, with hindsight incredibly stupidly, saved for her entire university education in the government child trust fund from the day she was born, so she gained access to all her tuition fees and maintenance on her 18th. I can’t even force her to live on beans and rice as a consequence - she’s got all 3 years money up front. I could kick myself for letting that happen.

If she were a bit sheepish and knew she’s being a berk then I’d know how to talk to her but she’s convinced she’s in the it crowd and seems to think that she has given her kind of status because she’s suddenly the party girl and is clearly proud of it. So far I’ve not expressed any disapproval because she’s an adult and I thought it would settle down but 6 weeks in and she’s still out every night, almost entirely nocturnal and spears to be forging an entirely new identity as a wild child or something. It’s up to her what she does but I can’t keep implying it’s all fine - she’s got four A* at A level in STEM subjects and is studying physics at a Russell group - I very much doubt she’ll keep up with the rigours of the course if this carries on.

Does anyone have experience of this? Does it calm down once they start seeing their grades suffering?

It will call down OP, try and chill. She’s obviously very bright and has worked hard to get those results. Why not let her hair down and party a bit.

It’s not all or nothing. A lot of “party girls” end up doing extremely well at uni and still have fab memories.

Take a step back, your dd has just started uni, the new experiences, the freedom, the feeling of growing up and not having parent around you 24/7 is all new and exciting.

It’ll soon wear off,. Dd was the same when she started uni, out every night, partying hard, socialising between lectures, she’s passed every year and is now in 4th year and she’s doing amazing, things are a lot calmer now too.

Jesus, if she's worked hard for 4 STEM A*s, then she has probably missed out on quite a bit of partying

She's an adult. Let her be.

I was a bit of a party animal. In fact, I still am.

Still got a good degree, masters, aFHEA, lectured, followed another dream and retrained into an even better careee now, and still pay my mortgage and bills.

Just laugh and say as long as you're working too...

I realise I’m fretting a bit. I didn’t see this coming at all - she’s always been nerdy and geeky and I never had to nag her to study or anything - she just got on with it. I feel like she’s vanished!

Sounds like she is just a bit later going through the very normal teenage rebellion stage.

I wouldn't focus on the partying, I would try to have chats about keeping up with lectures, how's she finding assignments etc. She will soon be called up by her school if she isn't managing that side of it.

This was me in my first year. I agree it’s probably just some needed stretching of her wings. My only note of caution would be about the finance. Have you had a non-judgmental chat with her about how to budget? I spent my whole loan in my very fun first term. No regrets, and it just meant I had to work lots in term 2 and over summer, but I do wish someone had sat me down and gently asked how I was budgeting.

She’s just started uni. It’s par for the course.

She hasn't vanished she's just growing up. But having all her university money at once in the first term is a huge risk. Since you saved it for her you do have the right to put some expectations around it. Would she put it in an account in your name and let you give her an amount per term?

My personal experience was that first year was the party year, then everyone settled down & started working in Y2&3.

It's not like there are no indicators of performance between starting & graduation - if she's not performing, they'll let her know & if she's got an ounce of sense she'll adjust.

After being (your words) 'nerdy and geeky' can you blame her for enjoying feeling popular & a bit edgy for a change? I suspect it will be tempered as the work ramps up.

Big mistake in her having that money up front. I'd be encouraging her to get a job to build her CV, rather than just academic content, and also encourage her to get her head down to studies. If her pt job is something she enjoys she'll be keen to focus on it rather than just going out partying. The novelty will likely wear off in a few weeks anyway.

@Hillrunning I really hope you’re right on that - I think if she’s suddenly getting poor grades it will be a massive shock to her. She’s always been the type to do STEM Olympiad’s for no reason other than fun on weekends, which I thought was a bit nerdy! If someone is going to say something if she starts to fail rather than just letting it happen while collectively the fees then I think it will all come out in the wash. I hope so.

I knew people like this at uni. Who’d been really quiet and geeky at school and suddenly discovered alcohol and independence and thought it made them really cool (it didn’t). Whereas people I knew who’d done it all at 14 were over it by the time they were 18/19.

Now she thinks she’s “cool” I sadly don’t think there’s anything her mum can say to change her mind. I think give it until the end of term and see what happens when she comes home. If it’s still continuing into next term maybe it’s worth sitting her down and spelling out the risks, from blowing all her money to getting kicked off the course to Gd forbid SA (which often can accompany heavy drinking). And if she still doesn’t listen then unfortunately you’ll have to accept it’s up to her to make mistakes and just be there to pick up the pieces after.

She's young. They grow up quickly. First year at Uni is a strange time. Work isn't particularly demanding. It's more of a "settling in and finding yourself" year. Especially this first term. I think you're worrying over nothing. Give it time and she'll settle down and mature, especially when the work starts getting harder and even more so come exam seasons. Staying up late into the early mornings isn't necessarily a problem either - they're usually able to stay in bed weekend mornings and one or two days per week if their first lectures aren't till late morning or the afternoon - they don't need to be up for 9am lectures every day.

My son suffered going to Uni in 2020, the covid year, so there was no staying up and partying - there wasn't even a freshers week. The second term they had to stay back at home as the Uni was fully closed, so no staying up term 2 either. Term 3 was revising for exams. It wasn't until the second year that he started socialising etc. By third year, he was staying up till the early hours playing online computer games or watching films with his flat mates - we started to worry, but he told us it was all under control as he just stayed in bed most of the day Sat and Sun to catch up with sleep! He ended up with a First degree in Maths, so it didn't harm him!

Well they will say something if she isn't attending lectures or isn't submitting assignments. Possibly if she fails some assignments but they won't if she is jsut not doing as well as she could. They tent to be pretty strict with first years especially in thw first term to set expectations but the quality of her work is up to her in my experience.

@MotiRoller all of that is swirling around my head. Something minor happened the other day that would be outing, but it was really stupid and thankfully the guy was a gentleman but that’s good luck rather than good planning on her part. That I did show strong disapproval for.

Firstly, she's an adult, it's not up to you to tell her how much she can party.

Secondly.. this is pretty much what your first year at uni is for. In a lot of unis, first year doesn't even count towards the final degree (mine was worth 10%), so as long as she passes the year, which requires just 40%, she will be fine, and will almost certainly knuckle down for second year.

One of DD’s main criteria in choosing her Uni was the party lifestyle. She still managed to get a 1st.

Your DD will soon work out the balance between partying and studying.

Hey @RunningRaces I agree with others that she will most likely settle down and start to calm it down a bit. There’s often a period of adjustment in the first term – it’s all very new and different.

I also am concerned about the money tho - from your OP it sounds as tho she has all the money that she needs for her whole uni career (so, like £60k?). I’m hoping I have misunderstood that. I would certainly suggest some control of that from you - releasing a term’s money at once or even money on a monthly basis? MY DC get/got the loan but my top-ups came on a weekly basis so I knew they always had some cash for food.

Who will have to bail her out when she runs out?

@clary yep - face palm. She’s got the lot. 😳
So far, according to her at least, she’s actually under budget each week and is saving money. I’ve even talked her through a LISA as somewhere to put the surplus. ironically, that’s the only bit that’s ‘safe’. If she moves into crack, hating us and mini breaks to Monaco , I have no way of getting it back. So far it’s fine, but if it goes tits up I handed it to her on a plate.

Has anyone ever really messed up at university because they "partied too much"? Does that really happen?

@RunningRaces are you comfortable sharing the university and/or course? Maybe the 1st year doesn't count.

@Piageq shes studying physics at a Russell group - probably shouldn’t out her more than that 🙂