My previously studious sensible daughter appears to be partying far too much.

[RunningRaces]

I’m not sure what to say or do so I’ve not expressed any opinion either way and as a result she’s still being really honest about it with me. She’s bragging about the fact that her dorm mates have all got tired of the freshers lifestyle but the cool ones in her group still stay up to the early hours even as the rest fall away from the kitchen and go to bed. She seems to think that this makes her little hard core group the cool ones - privately I suspect her dorm mates are starting to be a bit sick of it. I’ve never had to deal with any poor judgement with her growing up - she was just naturally bright and responsible - I did not see this coming AT ALL. Naive of me, but here we are.

I, with hindsight incredibly stupidly, saved for her entire university education in the government child trust fund from the day she was born, so she gained access to all her tuition fees and maintenance on her 18th. I can’t even force her to live on beans and rice as a consequence - she’s got all 3 years money up front. I could kick myself for letting that happen.

If she were a bit sheepish and knew she’s being a berk then I’d know how to talk to her but she’s convinced she’s in the it crowd and seems to think that she has given her kind of status because she’s suddenly the party girl and is clearly proud of it. So far I’ve not expressed any disapproval because she’s an adult and I thought it would settle down but 6 weeks in and she’s still out every night, almost entirely nocturnal and spears to be forging an entirely new identity as a wild child or something. It’s up to her what she does but I can’t keep implying it’s all fine - she’s got four A* at A level in STEM subjects and is studying physics at a Russell group - I very much doubt she’ll keep up with the rigours of the course if this carries on.

Does anyone have experience of this? Does it calm down once they start seeing their grades suffering?

If my dcs experiences are anything to go by, they go mad until they get flu/covid/ill then tend to settle.

Hahahahha this was me.

Pushy parents who stopped me from having fun at 14. I was always people pleasing and doing my best for everyone else apart from ME!

I enjoyed my first term at university (STEM and Engineering at Russell Group Uni) by partying and dancing until my hips & knees ached. God it was FUN! So fucking fun. I have zero regrets.

This was also DH! And that’s how we met. We shared a mutually horrific hangover and fell in love and yes, we both did quite well at university!

I do wonder if OPs version of “partying too much” is probably everyone else’s “partying an average amount”.

The life lessons we learnt at University is how we grew to become independent. Because despite being academic - we had zero life skills between us. (Having spent all our time beforehand studying instead of learning how to adult!)

I’m sure she’ll be fine OP. She’ll make you proud ☺️

I would warn her to keep the fact she has money a secret even from good friends and boyfriends. I earned quite a lot whilst at uni and my closest friend asked to borrow money and so did my boyfriend.They never paid it back. It is so much easier if no one knows you have it. I wouldn’t worry too much about the partying.

Just as it’s SO off the mark I’d really like to make it clear I’m a bit of an air head and I wasn’t pushy at all - I did everything I could to stop her doing 4 A levels, which I thought was absolutely pointless and even when she got her conditional offer tried my best to get her to drop the 4th because it was no longer necessary in any way and would allow her to focus on the 3 that mattered. She’s just always been precocious and very precise, even as an infant. I’m going to sound like an urban myth but potty training took genuinely less than 24 hours. I’ve got two others.They’re bright but they weren’t memorising every nations flag aged 6 etc etc. I was actually rather intimidated by it and tried to get her to watch a bit of Netflix or try a bit of mascara sometimes - nada. That’s why I’m so utterly blind sided.

Yes, sadly, they do. I know of at least one. Scraped a pass or failed, not sure which

I think it sounds good that she's enjoying herself with a new group of friends. It's very early days at university, nothing to indicate she's going to fail because she's enjoying having an active social life for what sounds like the first time ever. She'll settle I'm sure, if she's super switched on she probably won't find this term overly challenging academically, once it kicks in I'm sure it'll be fine.

@RunningRaces Honestly, you sound like such a lovely and grounded mum. And she sounds sensible. If she doesn’t have this fun in the first term she could burn out later on.

I guess the thing to look out for is attendance.

The people who I saw fail were the ones who stopped attending lectures quite early on (because they were addicted to online gaming).

But I’m pretty sure she will be just fine! ☺️

I went out every night as a first year. People don't sit in their rooms working.

And that's why she's kicking off! (I was a bit like that - I started proper school at 4, and could read and write full sentences, took A Levels at 16) Just leave her be. She's relaxing after a lifetime (so far) of being precise & responsible.

She'll come to her senses eventually.

Don't want to worry you, Op but could it be that she has told her flatmates she has £60k and as a result is suddenly very popular? In other words, is she footing the bill for everyones partying and enjoying the attention that brings her. A lot of the other students will be on a budget and loving it if she's buying the drinks.
Is she mature? She sounds quite young in some ways but if she has spent her life up to now studying and never going out then that would explain that.
The money she has at her disposal is a big of the problem, i think. Would she transfer some of the money to you for safeguarding? What if she loses her bank card /phone when really drunk - somebody finding it would have access to all of her money.
Re the pulling her up on her grades, that won't really happen. If she is passing but capable of much more, tutors won't pick up on that, it's not like school. It's down to your dd. I think they only step in if yp are are at risk of failure /exclusion.
Having said all that she probably will calm down and start to work soon. She sounds like a normally sensible girl. You seem to have a good relationship so maybe you need to have a (preferably face to face) honest chat with her.

@RunningRaces I wouldn't worry OP. I was similar to your daughter. Straight A student, quiet and conscientious, always in the study room. Went to uni, and partied so much I almost failed my first year. Made slightly more effort in second year but there were students in my class who thought I was new because they hadn't seen me in the first year.
In third year I went out a total of 4 times. I graduated with a first and never looked back.

I'd also add that at that age you can party all night and survive on zero sleep and still feel brilliant the next day! Let her have fun. In hindsight I wish I'd partied more.

@Whatamess23 🙏 next time she’s sending me stuff about how enviably cool she is now I’ll try and bear your story in mind

"Re the pulling her up on her grades, that won't really happen. If she is passing but capable of much more, tutors won't pick up on that, it's not like school."

That wouldn't be true in my department, actually.

I know people who partied a lot and still did well. I mean, do you have any detail other than that her crew staying up late regularly? If they're sitting up in the kitchen yakking away, I don't see an issue. If they're out clubbing every night and drinking and taking drugs (which, AFAICT isn't very popular with kids now) it could be, but not even necessarily then as long as they're keeping up with work.

Well, possibly true in some areas maybe but definitely not all. Are tutors really going to spend time trying to cajole an adult to work harder when Uni students are supposed to be working under their own steam? Also, if the student refuses to engage with the tutor or even makes the right noises but continues to work at a pass level what happens then? More cajoling? I doubt it. There is also the fact that dependent on subject area and Uni and Dept size a lot of students have little to no actual one to one contact with their tutors. Ultimately, uni student need to work independently.

As a pre schooler until about age 7 she was an elective mute in an educational setting. She was an absolutely relentless chatterbox at home, so I found it really hard to believe it was a proper thing at first and that she was just a bit shy in preschool. It stopped eventually and she made lots of good friends around year 9 - I was never worried she was lonely after that because she would relentlessly turn down invitations to do fun stuff I thought she should be out enjoying. She just wanted to do maths stuff on her white board rather than go to Bill’s for waffles.

She's growing up and you sound over-involved.

Let her be and find her own way in life. She sounds highly intelligent anyway and leaving home is letting your hair down which is perfectly normal.

You need to get a new passion/hobby/life. Pick up the social life you had previous to being a full-time mum. (I did it solo, just me and him till he went to uni).

Don't suffocate her with your nosiness or you may chase her further from you.

Chill out. Children leaving home and finding their own path in life is perfectly normal and to be expected.

I know the worry of your kid going off the path, but 99% know their way back. It's part of growing up.

Sending you a hug. I know the feelings you have.

@Bbq1 Interesting - I think what you say would have been true a few years ago, but certainly where I am, there's a lot of (what my tutors 40 years ago would have called) molly-coddling of students. I'm ambivalent about it for the reasons you state, OTOH it's a fact of university life now, at least where I am.

molly-coddling of students

I would agree with this. I'm late 60's and I was hitchhiking at 16! But it was a different world too.

No way would I let a 16-year-old hitchhike in this day and age - which doesn't even happen any more.

Thank you for telling me. It's just that on MN (and this thread) I often hear how people partied 24/7 and still get Firsts

@Bbq1

“I’ve never had to deal with any poor judgement with her growing up - she was just naturally bright and responsible - I did not see this coming AT ALL. Naive of me, but here we are.”

Oh come on! That’s such an overreaction. I think you need to step back and trust that she will be fine, because she will be. She is allowed to let her hair down and be open to new experiences and friendships. It’s a wonderful time in her life, don’t ruin it for by fretting so much. She’s not a machine. She is allowed to have this fun. In a few years she will be working, with all the responsibilities of grown up life. Yes, of course studies are important, but it very much sounds like she is going through a kind of personal liberation, and it’s a really good, healthy thing. Let her have this fun. She will be alright.

Sounds exactly like me and my friends and we all graduated with firsts / 2:1s and now are respectable, boring middle aged women with successful careers who are glad our memories of uni aren't just of reading textbooks and going to the library.

To be honest Op, I think it is great that your dd appears to be having a good time. So many students struggle in the first term of uni
One of my goddaughters started university this year and never goes out or has any interests .
She is always studying . In fact , her mum has been trying to convince her to go out
However , I do understand your concern , particularly with regard to the drinking.
Drinking to oblivion could leave your dd in
a vulnerable state
Just a word of caution. I know that the first year doesn’t count in many universities , however students still have to pass the first year in order to proceed to the second year.
I have known of students who achieved fantastic grades in their A levels but failed or just about scraped the first year of uni. It is important that students do not rest on their laurels.

You know OP, I think if my nerdy geeky daughter had turned into a party animal in freshers week I’d have been pleased for her. Absolutely gobsmacked, but pleased. Instead (as I feared) she seems to spend almost her entire time holed up in her room. In the long run I think that’s worse.