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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

My previously studious sensible daughter appears to be partying far too much.

124 replies

RunningRaces · 26/10/2024 10:54

I’m not sure what to say or do so I’ve not expressed any opinion either way and as a result she’s still being really honest about it with me. She’s bragging about the fact that her dorm mates have all got tired of the freshers lifestyle but the cool ones in her group still stay up to the early hours even as the rest fall away from the kitchen and go to bed. She seems to think that this makes her little hard core group the cool ones - privately I suspect her dorm mates are starting to be a bit sick of it. I’ve never had to deal with any poor judgement with her growing up - she was just naturally bright and responsible - I did not see this coming AT ALL. Naive of me, but here we are.

I, with hindsight incredibly stupidly, saved for her entire university education in the government child trust fund from the day she was born, so she gained access to all her tuition fees and maintenance on her 18th. I can’t even force her to live on beans and rice as a consequence - she’s got all 3 years money up front. I could kick myself for letting that happen.

If she were a bit sheepish and knew she’s being a berk then I’d know how to talk to her but she’s convinced she’s in the it crowd and seems to think that she has given her kind of status because she’s suddenly the party girl and is clearly proud of it. So far I’ve not expressed any disapproval because she’s an adult and I thought it would settle down but 6 weeks in and she’s still out every night, almost entirely nocturnal and spears to be forging an entirely new identity as a wild child or something. It’s up to her what she does but I can’t keep implying it’s all fine - she’s got four A* at A level in STEM subjects and is studying physics at a Russell group - I very much doubt she’ll keep up with the rigours of the course if this carries on.

Does anyone have experience of this? Does it calm down once they start seeing their grades suffering?

OP posts:
balzamico · 26/10/2024 11:45

We have a significant amount saved for dd. (More than enough)
But most of it sits in a 12 account with a better rate of interest.
It's also safer there - could you suggest that? Each summer we move some for the year ahead.

Maddy70 · 26/10/2024 11:47

I partied very hard at uni. Gitva first. She's an adult enjoying herself. Be glad she is happy and has friends

Original poster
RunningRaces · 26/10/2024 11:49

She’s still very much in touch with us all, isends us her stabs at lasagne and fish pie so we know she’s eating right, but is apparently drinking literally 7 days a week, often to the point of throwing up and never goes to bed before 4/5 am unless absolutely necessary for lectures. I would have bet the farm this wasn’t on the cards in the summer.

OP posts:
Runskiyoga · 26/10/2024 11:49

Suggest she puts the year 2 and 3 funds into a 1 and 2 year bond respectively? Earn some decent interest and locks it away? My two have LISAs too. Sounds like she's still budgeting though. Just keep talking, be her foundation, you're still a big influence. Be curious and calm about this development. Fun is good too. There's a lot of work and chores in life after uni.

marmite2023 · 26/10/2024 11:51

I would be checking in re money more than anything. What is she going to do if she burns through all the three years in one?

maybe have a chat about setting up a short term isa for year 2 and 3.

Piageq · 26/10/2024 11:51

RunningRaces · 26/10/2024 11:49

She’s still very much in touch with us all, isends us her stabs at lasagne and fish pie so we know she’s eating right, but is apparently drinking literally 7 days a week, often to the point of throwing up and never goes to bed before 4/5 am unless absolutely necessary for lectures. I would have bet the farm this wasn’t on the cards in the summer.

Ok that much drinking especially to the point of throwing up each time is unhealthy.

Smartiepants79 · 26/10/2024 11:53

I can’t quite figure out what she’s doing wrong?
She’s a young adult, having fun, in the first six weeks of her new independent, university life.
Sitting up late chatting with friends?? So what?
I presume she’s not doing drugs and mainlining tequila?
This is exactly what the first term of university is about.
Be glad she’s settled and happy.

Original poster
RunningRaces · 26/10/2024 11:57

@Smartiepants79 I do get it, and no there aren’t any drugs involved, but the ever growing line of miniature sombreros on the window ledge is proof positive there has been a great deal of tequila however. There are 12 of them in the flat, so she’s not done it by herself, but they’re doing shots at 3am on Monday nights as standard.

OP posts:
SweetGenie · 26/10/2024 11:59

Blimey - its only October! Give her a chance!

redwinechocolateandsnacks · 26/10/2024 12:00

Tuition fees and maintenance loan to pay for 3- 4 yrs tuition handed over in one lump to an 18 year old lacks foresight. For her sake she needs help protecting that money. Did she get the opportunity to go out when she was at home? To me it looks as if she making up for lost time, overly keen to fit in..protect the money and sit tight.

CleanShirt · 26/10/2024 12:01

RunningRaces · 26/10/2024 11:57

@Smartiepants79 I do get it, and no there aren’t any drugs involved, but the ever growing line of miniature sombreros on the window ledge is proof positive there has been a great deal of tequila however. There are 12 of them in the flat, so she’s not done it by herself, but they’re doing shots at 3am on Monday nights as standard.

Sounds like standard student life to me. I'm also struggling to see what she's done to warrant a MN thread!

Smartiepants79 · 26/10/2024 12:01

RunningRaces · 26/10/2024 11:57

@Smartiepants79 I do get it, and no there aren’t any drugs involved, but the ever growing line of miniature sombreros on the window ledge is proof positive there has been a great deal of tequila however. There are 12 of them in the flat, so she’s not done it by herself, but they’re doing shots at 3am on Monday nights as standard.

All I can say is that this was pretty much my first year at university. I am now a very sensible, married teacher.
If she has been sensibly brought up she’ll chill out.
Please unclench a bit. It’s very normal behaviour for lots of young adults.

NancyJoan · 26/10/2024 12:06

I understand why you are worried, I really do. But she will have assignments and assessments soon, and Physics is really not a course you can busk your way though. Hopefully that will give her the wake up call to limit the partying to weekends/a couple of nights a week.

Piageq · 26/10/2024 12:09

I don't expect my young adults to tell me about how much clubbing their doing?

Only time DS gave me details was when where was a cool competition that night that he participated in. (Something unique)

BetterInColour · 26/10/2024 12:12

Don't panic, she will at some point have to learn the connection between occasionally sacrificing her partying and getting the best grades for her. She might also do pretty well with the partying, I did at university. She's six weeks in, the learning curve will occur.

yeaitsmeagain · 26/10/2024 12:14

Doesn't matter, first year scores don't count for anything.

They don't care if people do badly, they want their money so nothing will happen.

I was in halls with first year medical students who would be out at clubs until 3am and still get in for 9am lectures the same day. They're all qualified established GPs now and had no problems passing. They're young, they can take it.

Changed18 · 26/10/2024 12:15

Have known people fail a year and have to repeat it, which would throw out the finances. Though those people didn’t have 4 A*s… Maybe just keep asking how the work is going, as a reminder…

Miyagi99 · 26/10/2024 12:19

I wouldn’t worry, grades don’t mean anything in first year, you just need to pass usually. Socialising is a massive part of first year uni life. I’d be concerned about her expenses though as most students need to be frugal.

Original poster
RunningRaces · 26/10/2024 12:19

@redwinechocolateandsnacks yup - tell me about it. She didn’t know the trust fund existed until the summer - it was all bundled into a vanguard index, but as I max out our ISAs I kept I in her name. With hindsight this was incredibly stupid, but when we sold the fund it all became hers automatically. At the time I wasn’t too worried - we talked out me doling it out and she agreed that if she was having any trouble budgeting I’d take it back under my name and go from there. She’s having no trouble budgeting. In fact she’s saving - I can’t fault her there. I’ve got no reason to even let her know I’m worried.

OP posts:
Dontcallmescarface · 26/10/2024 12:20

Mine was the same but the novelty had worn off by the time she came home for Christmas. She had the occasional late night after but that was it. Now is not the time to fret about it as long as she keeps up with her studies she'll be ok.

Saveitnotforme · 26/10/2024 12:24

Can I ask if she was at boarding school previously? You mention “dorms” rather than halls.

I would definitely have a conversation with her about her giving the money back to you, and you giving her an agreed monthly allowance from it during uni and saving the rest.

Original poster
RunningRaces · 26/10/2024 12:27

@Saveitnotforme ha! Good spot. She wasn’t no, but I was 🙂

OP posts:
Pinkruler · 26/10/2024 12:28

A lot of ppl socialise too much in the 1st year, myself included. Not that I was cool, ever!

There's likely to be assignments towards the end of this term, plus maybe even some form of exam in jan ?

Hopefully by the end of yr exams she will know whether she's kept up with the work or not..

whatifshejust · 26/10/2024 12:29

I had similar with DS although it was staying up late gaming rather than partying. Towards the end of 1st year I pointed out that this was his one shot. For 3 years he had access to world leading facilities and world experts in his topics. That after 3 years and almost £30,000 of his own money, all that access would disappear and to not make the most of the opportunity, and the difference a good degree could make to the rest of his life, seemed a shame. He listened, stepped up and came out with a first.

Saveitnotforme · 26/10/2024 12:29

I wonder if there is something a bit deeper going on here. If she was always “responsible, nerdy and geeky” at school, perhaps now she is carving out a new preferred persona?