My previously studious sensible daughter appears to be partying far too much.

[RunningRaces]

I’m not sure what to say or do so I’ve not expressed any opinion either way and as a result she’s still being really honest about it with me. She’s bragging about the fact that her dorm mates have all got tired of the freshers lifestyle but the cool ones in her group still stay up to the early hours even as the rest fall away from the kitchen and go to bed. She seems to think that this makes her little hard core group the cool ones - privately I suspect her dorm mates are starting to be a bit sick of it. I’ve never had to deal with any poor judgement with her growing up - she was just naturally bright and responsible - I did not see this coming AT ALL. Naive of me, but here we are.

I, with hindsight incredibly stupidly, saved for her entire university education in the government child trust fund from the day she was born, so she gained access to all her tuition fees and maintenance on her 18th. I can’t even force her to live on beans and rice as a consequence - she’s got all 3 years money up front. I could kick myself for letting that happen.

If she were a bit sheepish and knew she’s being a berk then I’d know how to talk to her but she’s convinced she’s in the it crowd and seems to think that she has given her kind of status because she’s suddenly the party girl and is clearly proud of it. So far I’ve not expressed any disapproval because she’s an adult and I thought it would settle down but 6 weeks in and she’s still out every night, almost entirely nocturnal and spears to be forging an entirely new identity as a wild child or something. It’s up to her what she does but I can’t keep implying it’s all fine - she’s got four A* at A level in STEM subjects and is studying physics at a Russell group - I very much doubt she’ll keep up with the rigours of the course if this carries on.

Does anyone have experience of this? Does it calm down once they start seeing their grades suffering?

What kind of degree subject is she doing? As long as it isn't medicine/pharmacy (and some other ones), most uni courses only need you to get 40% in all modules to pass onto second year.

I mean first year counted 1/9th for DS so it might do. Even so I expect most unis expect at least a passing grade in 1st year.

Think you need to step back. Be grateful that she has friends is enjoying herself. She is independent now and she can make her own choices.

At least you're still on her call list
Pretty sure at six weeks in I resorted to (don't do ever again) n tagged ds1 on Facebook threaten visit. He maintained his fancy pants ifone didn't get a signal in halls.or indeed anywhere. Eventually calmed down,might be after Christmas tho. Seem to recall uni = party if wind changes direction.
Have you suggested she holds next two yrs £ in separate account?

I think you need to let her live her life right now and continue to be there to support her. Be glad that she's actually telling you what she's up to. As others have said, it's very early days and this behaviour is pretty normal for a lot of freshers.

The fact that she's got 3 years of money (I can't believe you gave it to her in one lump sum!) but is managing to budget and actually save is a sign that the sensible smart girl you know is still there.

I had very strict parents growing up. So I went pretty wild at uni once I was 'off the leash'. And not just my first few months either. I failed one of my exams at the end of my first year. I'd planned/expected (yes, I know! 🙄) to fail one and that was allowed and wouldn't impact my degree as it was only first year which didn't count. But I'd expected to fail law which somehow I passed (no idea how as I never went to any lectures or seminars all year) and instead I failed maths, which was compulsory as I was doing joint honours in economics. Muppet. So I had to retake maths during the summer. It gave me the kick up the backside I needed. I got 98% on my maths resit. I still partied hard throughout all my years at uni but managed to keep a bit more of a lid on it. Although some people did say I must have slept with the examiner to have come away with an honours degree. I work in the City on a 6 figure salary now so I turned out okay.

(I never told my parents any of this. To this day they still don't know).

I’d be worried too OP. It’s true that the first term probably doesn’t count for much (though at my Russell Group Uni - Warwick - it definitely did) but if she can’t move on from this pattern she could be setting herself up to fail. I’d be having a word with her next time she comes home - not to be stern or set down rules, but to help her see the bigger picture. I had a couple of friends at uni who had to leave after the first / second year because they had gotten too far behind to keep up. One of them started again at another uni but the other - a super intelligent guy - dropped out altogether. Both had far too much fun in the early weeks and months and couldn’t come back from it. FWIW I say this as someone who was also out every weekend all three years. There’s a balance to be struck.

Since she is an adult, your disapproval will matter very little, although it would probably mean that she'll tell you less and engage with your less. She's a few weeks in to a lengthy course, so she hasn't exactly entered drop out territory yet. If she can't misspend some of her youth, when can she get around to misspending some time? Responsibility will catch up with her soon enough, and lifes demands don't cut very much leeway for doing daft things. Cut her some slack - she's doing nothing a bunch of students don't do, and don't suffer by.

Genuinely, can you make sure she has the bulk of that money stashed safely? She could put years 2 and 3 into a bond that would earn decent interest and be inaccessible for a year. I mean I am hoping it is in some kind of deposit ac?

Tbh I know I said she will settle down and adjust, but I would be a bit worried about the frequent throwing up. I have done that in my life for sure, and so have my DC but on occasion, rather than as a regular, 3-times-a-week type thing. That doesn't sound great. Tho I wonder how you know - does she fill you in with details? Is she gleeful or rueful?

There's not much you can do about the partying but I agree that the work needs to happen still. Yes first year marks matter less but you need to pass the year. Esp in a STEM course.

Exactly moti. It’s why partying at 15 is no bad thing a friends Dd said it’s the sheltered ones who’ve never really been out that go crazy when they first get to university.

She sounds sensible and normal. It sounds like Mum is the one with the issue of not being able to helicopter. Relax. It may calm down soon on the nights out front or It may not. But rarely do 4 x A* students struggle at uni.

The only thing that would worry me is the money.

Definitely have a chat with her about ring fencing that.

The rest of it is normal. It will likely calm down.

If you raise it as a concern then she'll just stop telling you things.

If she’s on budget and handing in assignments/attending classes, it doesn’t sound in the least concerning to me. She’s away from home among new people who don’t know that her idea of a good time last was a maths Olympiad. She’s having fun. Developmentally appropriate.

As others have said, it's still all very new for her and par for the course in the first year at uni.

If she was always the nerdy, studious type then she's probably loving this 'new' her - all confidence and partying!

Be thankful she's settling in and enjoying it, so many don't!

I'm sure the partying and bumming and blowing about it will settle eventually.

As long as she's happy, healthy and the uni not concerned then I'd let her crack on.

Just let her get on with it. When the first assignments, essays, and exams hit, she’ll adjust and learn.

It’s her responsibility now. Try to detach.

Two things from me - my DD massively burnt the candle at both ends in her first term, got over it along with nearly all the people she was partying with and in her own words is now super boring and studying hard. So fingers crossed your DD will do the same at Christmas.

On the trust fund we did the same for our DD but told her not to use it for fees and she moved the entire lot to an ISA in her name which i also have access to. Martin Lewis is very emphatic that even if you can afford to paying your fees up front is a stupid waste of money as you can usually invest it and make more before you have to stay paying it back. For the same reason my DD has taken out her maintenance loan. Can you advise your DD to do the same and get her money properly invested?

This is what happens to the freshers who have never partied before. I saw it happen at my university. The ones who had all partied between 14-18 were very chill about the sudden freedom at uni and those, like your DD who had mainly studied and not let their hair down went crazy on the booze in the first year. She’ll calm down at some point but they do have to go through it at some point so….

Thanks everyone. I guess I just have to stop worrying about it. Drinking every day seems daft to me, but if that’s normal I’ll keep on keeping shtum about my own feelings on the matter.

Regarding the money, I’m not hugely worried about that (yet) . She wasn’t aware of its existence until she turned 18 and then - as is right and proper and with hindsight obvious - they wrote to her to explain her options. When she sold the shares it obviously went straight into her own account. I was uncomfortable with this but she felt she could handle it and at the time it seemed churlish to accuse her of being unable to handle it. We had several long chats about it being an 18 year investment of mine and the importance of it being used properly - it was clearly stated and she was in total agreement that if she wasn’t managing it well she would relinquish it in favour of an allowance to make sure it lasted.

Shes handling it well, she has three separate Monzo pots, two of which are in 12 month high interest bonds (we set these up together) She withdraws her weekly allowance from the third pot and, unless she’s pulling the wool over my eyes has been consistently under budget so far 🤷‍♀️. They aren’t clubbing or even going to the pub very often. They’re drinking spirits in the dingy kitchen, which is lovely.

The incident that I feared was outing is that she woke up alone in the kitchen at 6am two weeks ago. A medical student explained that he’d put her in a safer position, put a washing up bowl next to her for vomit and left her there. For this she was read the riot act and I think that bit went in. Since then I’ve said nothing and she’s been gleefully telling me how much better her tolerance is and that’s she’s not throwing up so much. Honestly I would never in a million years predicted this - she was literally always the designated driver on nights out at home. Ah well, I guess we’re both learning.

Too late now and you may not have realised it at the time but you may have been a little bit too controlling and smug. Now your daughter has some freedom she is going wild. Her behaviour now is a reflection on what went before. She's been let off the leash. Hopefully she'll run around madly and then calm down. And not do

too much damage in the meantime.

Well that sounds very sensible and sorted wrt the money @RunningRaces

The only thing that matters is her continuing to do the work she is there to do.
Presumably her lecturers will tell her if she's not doing enough. Otherwise, her life and habits sound remarkably similar to what I and my friends got up to 40 years ago. We have all turned out very well indeed, so try to relax a bit.

Omg, you and she sound so unbelievably perfect and sensible that it makes even me want to get shit faced and vom in a bucket!

4 A stars! High interest saving accounts! Physics at a RG!

I can't really blame her for wanting to party.

Sorry OP, but giving her all the money was a bit silly, but I guess you are going to have to let her get on with it.

@Thommasina high-interest savings accounts are a surely good idea tho if the DD has £40k stashed away to fund the next two years after this one. I was worrying that she just had it accessible in her current ac.

Yes I suppose so. I wouldn't have done it, but my dcs are in no way sensible 😄

I think, unfortunately for you, this all sounds relatively normal in the first flush of some people’s university days! I expect the shine will wear off and she’ll settle down in time… not least because she’ll be absolutely knackered! There’s very little indeed you can do to control what she does, so let it be!

I’ve worked in the sector for 30 years. It’s fine. They normally knuckle down after Xmas, some fizzle out with partying in mid first term if the cash runs out. She needs to pass year 1 but on most courses she won’t ruin her degree if she doesn’t do well in year 1.