No news is good news, right? How often do you contact your DC at university?

[ForkTines]

I dropped her off on Saturday and managed not to cry. Not heard from her - that’s normal, yes? Am I doing the right thing in leaving her to it? I’m kind of bereft and would hate for her to know or worry about me it so I’m leaving the ball in her court.

I’ve had to abandon the supermarket twice because I can’t pass the weird hippy junk that only she ate without welling up in public. I’m really not enjoying this very much.

I share your pain. I also dropped mine on Saturday and I already want to leave some half-drunk cups of tea around the house just to make it seem less empty!!
I’ve had a few messages but I would say no news is very much good news as their focus needs to be on their new life. Could you just stand a brief “hope things are going well” message?

I did a ‘can you send me a photo of your room when you’ve got it set up how you want it?’ message to nudge a conversation.

I think (hope) they’ll be busy throwing themselves in and burning the candle at both ends.

Have you got a family WhatsApp?
Was the best thing we did.

With DD23 If I ever got/get to the point of "not heard anything in a while" I'll post a goofy pic of the dog. DH will be a bit more blunt "you still alive sweetheart?" She will respond with something chatty, or a picture of her dinner to show us that she is quite happily taking care of herself.

Dd22 is a complete opposite, likes to put something on there at least every other day, and loves feeling included so we post her pics of the dog, talk about the weather her gran, whatever she wants really. Dd 23 doesn't want that level of involvement... and that's fine too.

thanks for replying. A family WhatsApp is a good idea - obviously we’re all on it but not as a group yet. I’m hoping she’s just having a wild time and far too busy to think about me crying into her teddy bear 😀

Family WhatsApp is great. I used to send my DS photos of the coffee cake we were all enjoying at home in his absence - he doesn't like coffee cake, so it's an opportunity for the rest of us to have one. She'll be back before you know it to eat the same hippy junk at Christmas. You can always take some when you visit. You'll enjoy her company in a different way, like going shopping for treats she wouldn't normally buy for herself. For DS, it used to be beer, but now it's olive oil!

We have family WhatsApp anyway so just all randomly post on there.
Snap chat has also elicited responses especially in evening.
I do resort to pics of dog which she always replies to.

Sorry but both me, DH AND the Family WA are getting several a day.
Nothing major just little things but its nice.
I don't expect it and it will probably drop off a bit (she only went on Saturday)

I would personally find no messages for 3 days a bit odd - after dropping my DC off for uni. (In fact it would be a bit odd at any time.) Can you see if she has put anything on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram - or anywhere else she might post? Or has it been complete radio silence?

Just send a little message asking how they are. Sure it will be appreciated

I text my DS the first week and then it upset me more speaking to him after a week. It's so nice they are enjoying themselves but I bet they are also a bit homesick

We are second year now. We do normally get a message every day but can be a jumble of letters that supposedly mean something! In the beginning we were able to send a picture of the dog to start a conversation, but unfortunately it passed away earlier in the year, so need other techniques. I tend to send a good morning hope you have a good day type of message, usually around the time he needs to be up int time for lectures, which might result in a hope you have a good day too response, and that might be it for the day. Other days we get a longer conversation.

For both DC, when they first went to University they phoned home weekly with occasional WhatsApp messages in between.

A few years in and it is pretty random.

Of course she is. Don't you remember what it is like to go to Univeristy.

They have a lot to do in the first few weeks. She'll be doing all of that.

When I started university, I didn't think of my parents much at all. As I was so busy with lectures, new house, new room mates, new place to live.

Remember what it was like for you, it'll be the same for her

I'm a Head of Department who told our incoming students to be kind to their parents and to send them a text every so often to let you know they're OK!!

I work in HE, over the next few months the daily security report will be littered with reports of students “missing in action” where security are asked to do a welfare check and ask the little sods to please respond to at least one message from mum and dad.

It’s ok to worry, usually the worst that happens is that they have lost their phone and don’t want to admit it. Usually they are just too busy in their own heads.

But if you ever have genuine concerns don’t worry about ringing the university. They can’t tell you anything but will get in contact to make sure they are in one piece and encourage contact home.

Rarely, dd1 called sporadically generally because she wanted something or to say she was on the national express on the way home. Dd2 called me more often often for recipes, both live a distance now and nothing has changed much

Do you have a pet, @ForkTines ? Nothing guarantees a reply like a photo of the pet on a family WhatsApp. This works for when they are interrailing or on holiday as well as university.

(For bonus points, a photo of said pet sitting outside the closed bedroom door or trying to get in to her room will get near-instant Awwwwww replies)

You are assuming all the parents went to university! Mine didn't so while very supportive had no experience of their own to draw on when I went.

It doesn't have to be Uni specifically.

Say If they didn't go to University but instead moved to a different city to work at 18. A lot of the older generations did that.

When they moved to that city, they would have been thinking about their job, their flat, their friends, their own life....before they think about their parents.

Everyone focuses on their own life

Mine texts and/or calls pretty much every day, sometimes multiple times, so if I don't hear for a while I do wonder. I usually send a photo or a meme or a jokey bit of news to get a response. If that stays unread for a while I ring. Its hard not to worry, even when you remember your own university days.

DS is now in the second year, I last heard from him at the weekend. I will probably text him in the next day or two to ask how he is. Last year I probably heard from him weekly. Ish.

Weirdly I think the fact they have mobile phones and have the ability to message/ring whenever makes them less likely to be in contact because you don’t have to arrange anything. (Unlike when I was at uni and rang home once a week from a pay phone)

She's an adult! leave her to it. I don't think I spoke to my parents for weeks when I went to university. make yourself some nice plans with your friends and family, enjoy the quiet

We messaged weekly but during covid it changed to daily but if I sent a message and she didn't answer I send her things like this or a picture of one of the cats for her to react too

@Ceit I think it can be harder now we are in a world where we can easily keep in contact 24/7. DS messaged us pretty much every day, could be a just one word (or letter!) message. So on a day I message him and there are no blue ticks shown so not even read it, I do start to think is there an issue as he is constantly looking at his phone (and then I remember he uses a different app with his mates so probably my message sort of gets lost whilst he is messaging them)

I definitely left the ball in her court when we dropped DD off, regarding contact. I didn't want to smother her, they need to spread their wings and I know of some other mums who were completely OTT, threatening to move to their kids uni town 😁🙄.

However, I'm sure I messaged her the next day or so to see how she had settled in, how the other flat mates were etc etc. Have you done that? Not tons of daily messages, but a little bit of contact.

I will say now she is working we still message daily but I'm not so stressed about it because her shifts are crazy all over the place I usually get a response or a reaction daily it's now our habit