No news is good news, right? How often do you contact your DC at university?

[ForkTines]

I dropped her off on Saturday and managed not to cry. Not heard from her - that’s normal, yes? Am I doing the right thing in leaving her to it? I’m kind of bereft and would hate for her to know or worry about me it so I’m leaving the ball in her court.

I’ve had to abandon the supermarket twice because I can’t pass the weird hippy junk that only she ate without welling up in public. I’m really not enjoying this very much.

We have a family WA and if I haven't heard from the DCs in a few days, like PP, I post a photo of the dog which always gets a response 😁. Honestly, it's better that they're not in constant contact, but they know you're here for them and they can call/message/pop home any time when they want or need.
Older DC (3rd yr) is keen to do a video call every couple of weeks, younger one (1st yr) isn't as bothered but will do one if we fancy a catch up. He sent a photo of the meal he cooked the other night, he was v proud of himself (as was I/amazed 🤣)

Why proof of life every other day? What could have happened to him in two days.

That's so weird!

Would you like to have to text someone that you're alive every second day?

So bizarre

Why is it weird? I messaged family members that often, and if I hadn't heard from them for a few days I'd check in on them. People have different levels of contact that's normal for them.

We have had experience of something bad happening to a family member who lived on their own who sadly died as a result of their injuries.

Of course it's weird to have to text

"I'm alive"

Every two days.

It's overbearing

He is a teenager, he's busy, he has a lot to do in his course.

Why don't some over panicky parents work on the real issue -which is their own anxiety.

I imagine he doesn't actually have to text the words I am alive 😆

Whatever the wording is.

She said that she demanded proof of life off him every two days.

I don’t think it’scweird to hear something every other day in this era of instant communication. When I was at uni we had to queue at payphones and I’d call my parents once a week. I usually hear from DS every couple of days. He never tells me how he is; he usually gives me a political update. The last one was about Sayeeda Warsi leaving the Tories. I read them and know he’s ok!

DS went 2 weeks ago and when we said goodbye I said we wouldn’t call him in case we interrupted, but it doesn’t mean we don’t care, we just don’t want to break conversations etc he might be having getting to know people, and that he could call us whenever he wants. Between mine and DH’s phone we’re in touch every day, including one he sent me minutes before midnight last night to hope I sleep well- well I was sleeping well… 😅

When I was in my late twenties, I had a friend who had a mother like that.

She nearly drove my friend to a mental breakdown.

She had anxiety and she seemed to imagine disaster and doom happening to her daughter every time she left the house.

Her daughter had to text her at age 28, when she arrived anywhere that she had "arrived there safely"

When she got back home, she had to text her mother that she had "arrived home safely".

I pointed out to her that when her mother went on holiday, she wasn't made to text her daughter to tell her that she had "arrived there safely"

The daughter didn't want to do it. But If she didn't do it, her mother would escalate, and start contacting her partner, and all of her friends to check she was OK.

It was harassment.

You can ask. But they also have the right to say no.

And what if he has a particularly busy week coming up to exams for example?

@Pearlgemspark it doesn't have to be war and peace! Unlike when I was at university it was a weekly phone call or even a letter, nowadays it can just be a photo of his latest meal (to prove a vegetable does sometimes feature!), a recommendation of a band he has just heard, a whinge about his beloved football team losing, a question about laundry or even to ask how we are.

I know My point is that I see mothers usually talking about what contact they want,

And never seem to think that some weeks their teens will be busy doing sports matches, exams, getting to know room rates whatever.

The point is, it's not all about the mothers, and you have to let them go a bit and have their own life

Then I would usually send him a nice message and he would leave a heart that will have taken him all of two seconds and we both move on with our days. There aren’t any rules or anything so he doesn’t have to refuse. That’s just what ordinarily happens.

Sometimes I miss the days before mobile phones.

They were great days! So peaceful

If people rang you and they couldn't get you, they would just leave a voicemail on the house phone, and you could get back to them when you were ready and when you felt like it.

Now people want round the clock contact.

I actually now put my mobile phone on the "do not disturb" function for a large part of my day now, so no calls or texts can come through until I want them to.

It's much more peaceful.

It can be a bit stifling, though, can't it? Like the posters here texting first thing in the morning every single day, or expecting a 'goodnight' message so they know she's safely back in her flat - what if she wants to stumble home at 3am, or she stays over with a friend, or just doesn't want her parents to know where she is the odd time? I completely get what a wrench it is for the parent having their child living away for the first time, but thinking back to my own Uni days I would have found this sort of expectation really overbearing, and I think it's up to the parents to manage their own anxieties rather than expecting their adult children to indulge them.

@Pearlgemspark I guess one difference is that most young people are contactable 24/7. The one word message DS may send us in a day will just be one of many messages he will be sending in that day. We don’t expect many messages but actually I think it is nice how he asks how our day has been. Both DH and I have some significant stuff going on in work so it is nice that he takes an interest. Our conversations have slightly changed this term as there were quite a few chats/photos about family dog last year (he and DS were best buddies) but sadly he passed away a few weeks ago so we are adapting our chat, and also being a support to each other as has left a huge hole in all our lives.

It can be a bit stifling, though, can't it? Like the posters here texting first thing in the morning every single day, or expecting a 'goodnight' message so they know she's safely back in her flat - what if she wants to stumble home at 3am, or she stays over with a friend, or just doesn't want her parents to know where she is the odd time?

I'm replying @AppropriateAdult because you quoted me even though I would never demand, nor condone, that level of contact. A couple of DD's friends have parents like that and it is indeed stifling.

I think it's part of the social contract in non dysfunctional families for a mum to be able to give the student a call for a quick chat and the student can say "sorry I'm with friends, can I call you back later/tomorrow." Likewise my dd can call me, as she did on Friday when she was ill, and I'll sympathise and diagnose 🙂

She doesn't find it stifling. Our DC can enjoy independence whilst remaining close to us. It just takes trust and consideration on both sides.

we message daily and FaceTime every night. He went 3 weeks ago and is happy with this level of contact for now.

I have told him to tell me when he wants less contact and I know he will.

I don't subscribe to the no news is good news thing tbh and would rather be a bit of a PITA than miss that he is getting depressed etc

Absolutely this. Nobody needs contact every day. New students just need to get on with life - we all survived with minimal parental contact, and we learnt how to sort out our own problems, too.

Week 3 and we are pretty much carrying on family chat WhatsApp as we did when she was at home so all posting a photo or message most days.
We have had a FaceTime chat each Sunday, husband commented how much nicer it was than the call from a pay phone when we were at uni. She was showing us her tidy room.
I’m also on snap chat and be real with her and she can be quite chatty on that sometimes.
Dog is most likely to get an immediate reaction.
It might change but for now it’s suiting everyone.

Oh god no, I don't do that. I never expect her to message me she's home safe. Totally unfair expectation on an adult child living away from home. Weird that you ascribe contact with your kid to anxiety tho. I don't feel anxious, I just think of her and drop her a message. I don't expect her to reply straight away just whenever she gets the chance.

We text or WhatsApp back and forth every couple of days, mainly in jokes, pictures of the cat, the odd recipe I think she might like, she will let me know bits of good news. Then she face times me and her sister about once a week. It feels about right - not pressuring her with lots of ‘we miss you’ but just making sure she knows she is loved. And every couple of weeks I send her a small parcel with some biscuits or haribo. But I don’t fret if I don’t hear back from her because she is also working and has no phone signal in her flat.
about a week in she did ring me when I was in the middle of a meeting at work and I flat out panicked because she NEVER uses her mobile as an actual phone but turns out she was just ringing to tell me she got a job.

I agree, but to be honest, the "kids" are tech savvy and if I wanted a message every day, they'd just auto schedule one... it would be meaningless.

@AppropriateAdult I guess it also depends on the relationship you have. I let my DD initiate contact but she likes to talk me through her day once back in her room (she's in the midst of freshers so reckon this will change as things become more routine). It's a continuation of our pattern at home. Don't talk much during the day but have a chat in the evening. It is also helping stave off homesickness. If she knows she can talk to me about the good, bad and embarrassing then she doesn't sit there stewing! A familiar voice can be calming.

It would be an odd day if I didn't hear from my DD. We Facetime every day, even when she was at home 😂 but we're super close. If it were my DS, I'd hear from him when he needed money.