No news is good news, right? How often do you contact your DC at university?

[ForkTines]

I dropped her off on Saturday and managed not to cry. Not heard from her - that’s normal, yes? Am I doing the right thing in leaving her to it? I’m kind of bereft and would hate for her to know or worry about me it so I’m leaving the ball in her court.

I’ve had to abandon the supermarket twice because I can’t pass the weird hippy junk that only she ate without welling up in public. I’m really not enjoying this very much.

I think it's weird you didn't just reach out and ask how she was doing! The onus shouldn't only be on the kid to make contact.

I think it's so individual though. What works for some may not work for others. You might look at me and think we are excessive, but we aren't doing anything different, she chats in the family one when she wants. She's happy with that level of contact. I'm expecting it to teeter off when lectures start. I don't know what's a normal amount, I didn't have my parents by the time I started uni so I never had family to keep in touch with. I'd ask your yp and see what they would be happy with.

I hear you about the wobbly lip though. I've felt a bit lost this week, but it helps to hear her being happy and positive.

My DD has been there 2 weeks on Saturday. We have messaged every day, just once a day, up until yesterday when she didn't reply to my message. I sent her a photo of her dog this morning which prompted a response and she just mentioned that now lectures have started she is busier now and has also been and done laundry today. We had a bit of a joke together and I know that she is okay and she seems very settled and happy and I know that contact will now start to drop off a little. I think its time for me to step back a little. It is hard though as I worry that radio silence means she is struggling or not happy or feeling unwell. I have asked her to please message me, or her sister, if she has any problems or struggles with anything and she has promised she will so I now have to trust that she will and start to let go a little. It feels weird to do that and goes against my natural feelings but I know I need to. She needs to thrive on her own and find her own feet and she knows I am only at the end of the phone if she needs anything. We have promised to Facetime often which is something I will look forward to and I will continue to share photos of her dogs and any daft memes I think she will like etc...

It is hard though. She is my youngest and my last one to leave the nest and I miss her terribly. I think this first term will be the worst as she, and I, both settle into this new way of living. It will take some adjusting to for both of us.

It's empty nest syndrome

I have to say when I started university I never thought of my parents at all.

There's just so much you have to do. There's so many classes and homework.

She's busy!

Yes, I agree with this. We tend to face time weekly but message several times a week. The great thing about modern communication is it's not too onerous to send a quick text or photo. You're not queuing to use a pay phone or crafting a letter, it takes minutes.
Its also not like you have to send messages proclaiming how sad you are. Just send a light, brief message or photo whenever you want, it's hardly going to ruin their independence or enjoyment of uni.

Absolutely with you at the welling up in the supermarket.....

My son is 22, has schizophrenia, and normally lives with me. He is currently in a residential rehabilitation centre and will stay there for (hopefully) six months. After my experiences of the last five years, I am delighted when he doesn't contact me every day.

My eldest (now 26) pointed out that only ‘old people’ (ie me) answer messages immediately or expect immediate responses.

I like to remind him of that when I get the ‘Muuuuummmm help!!!’ messages that require me to leap into action.

That's lovely.

I can't imagine not speaking to my mum for this many days. When I was dropped off at uni I phoned the next day to say all about the first night, give the lowdown on all the people in my corridor at Halls, talk about the amazing variety of the food (catered Halls).

Then I text or phoned every day or so throughout the next four years, only going down to every few days for a call but still lots of text exchanges when it was exam time. Even now many decades later we speak every couple of days. So I guess how often you speak at university might be part f the longer term norm in your family OP?

Mine's been away nearly 3 weeks now and we have had messages nearly every day with 2 longer FaceTime calls to catch up on all the news and check stuff (like budgeting!)

Some days it's just a hi message, others it's more chatty. We've had the cooking and laundry questions here and there too.

Sort of like when they're away on holiday- every few days, get minimal answers. Less than when they were at home! Hoping for regular facetimes but try to leave them maximum space too. I'm sure you're right that no news is good!

@tinydynamine - all the best to you and your son

Mine messaged most days, either a quick hello type of message, or asking for help with cooking or something like that.

My friend got a late evening message on her family WhatsApp, just a photo of the entrance to A&E. Which sent her into a panic until her son remembered an hour or so later to explain. It wasn't serious, he was accompanying a friend who needed a couple of stitches, but he got a lecture on not worrying her like that again.

I have 2 at uni.

Family WhatsApp is great, plus we've fallen into the habit of a weekly family FaceTime. Usually Sunday evening as that's a quiet time for all of us.

Send memes/ pics of pets etc.

Once a term or so I'll send an Amazon package as a surprise- it usually contains one nice thing and a few useful bits - teabags, loo roll etc.

And if all else fails, change the Netflix password. You'll be amazed how quickly the phone buzzes then!

Mine is annoyed as one of the last few not yet in uni because all the friends have left to go to university and are only barely responding on social media/messages! They’re all rushed off their feet - it isn’t personal it seems.

I’ll be back here in a week sobbing with you so might not have such a measured answer next week.

@keiratwiceknightly - Netflix password, hilarious!

I got middle of the night texts for the Netflix password on the first night and the Disney password on the second night. (She had them saved on her devices but wanted to put them on the main tv.)

Everything I've sent got ignored, so I did have a little word yesterday morning about what a tough year it's been and that I want her to do well and be happy, and mums always think the worst if we don't hear. She snapped at me that she was busy but then I think she thought about it, and last night sent me multiple messages about everything that's been happening. I just don't think they realise.

She's normally attached to my side and very demanding of my time in every way, so I feel absolutely lost. She has autism and the start of sixth form was a disaster re making new friends and not coping with fluctuating plans and times, so I was really panicking and have cried everytime someone asked how she was doing. I feel much better today now I know she's made friends, joined clubs and been generally surviving.

A big hug to all the mums with wobbly bottom lips xx

Ours called last night to complain to her father about construction noise. He carefully explained the process of putting together a complaint, and talked her through the hours construction (and construction noise) are allowed to take place, and that any breaches should be reported. It turns out the constructon noise that is preventing her sleep is occurring at 10.00a.m.!

My phone woke me up at 2.30am last night when DS finally decided to reply to my messages! He was suprised when I replied but we ended up having a good chat on WhatsApp. Bit annoying but I will take what I can get 😂

I have one who has just graduated and one in their second year.

We have a load of whatsapp groups
whole family
mum dad and ds
mum dad and dd

We often post things in the groups, usually funny picture of dog, or something they might like/ relevant to us. They usually reply with a smiley or something.

Dd was great, she posted loads of photos of round uni, helped by the fact she was by the sea and doing interesting new hobbies. She also sent these to grandparents, who had just funded a veyr expensive computer for her computing course, so it made them feel included and loved too.

they both occasionally post asking about a recipe.

It is a trickle of family connection without the pressure.

Then every so often I send a more - how are you doing, haven't heard form you for a while, how is life/course/girlfriend or whatever.

I was the same when I went to uni to be honest. It was all overwhelming, going out, making friends, sleeping all day. Even now I probably only speak to my mum every week or couple of weeks. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate her. I just get caught up in life

This made me laugh.

DS (22) has often told me he is a strong independent young man and must be left alone but guess who is expected to be available instantly when phone / card is lost / referee's phone number is required / he's lost access to online banking...

What is interesting is now he has graduated and is into the real world he's being more in contact...

Me too. I wouldn't rest hearing nothing at all for 3 days.

@Juja Yes indeed! I am now the font of all knowledge as to how to set up the electricity account / why the water is off / how to sort out a parking permit / when the car needs servicing etc etc

My youngest says that its my own fault if I get woken up at 3am by drunken messages and I should put my phone on do not disturb (except that I'd miss the emergency call that really does need something doing immediately).