Turning 18 during A Levels

[Bellini12]

I didn’t really know where to post this but figured there may be some in the same boat (in year 11).

DD is turning 18 right at the start of A Levels. She has already missed out on the social aspect of being slightly younger in the year (peers have been going to pubs/clubs for months now but she just stays in as knows she wouldn’t get in without ID - venues are strict around here).

Obviously no one wants to go out in May. I suggested the half term but still some won’t go out as will be hardcore revising. Besides, She says that is too far after her birthday. Everything I suggest (eg we pay for a meal out with a few mates/have people back here in half term) has been met with a big, fat no as it won’t feel like her bday as it’s so far afterwards. She says people won’t bother.

So she basically wants to do nothing.

I just feel so sad about it as I just can’t get my head around it all. Most of us remember what we did to celebrate our 18ths when looking back. I think she doesn’t want to risk organising anything in case she is knocked back. Times have changed apparently and despite me thinking kids need a break, she said many won’t even during half term.

She said she will go out for a meal with us a few days later but that’s it.

I am constantly berated for having my kids at an inconvenient time. We envy those autumn/winter born kids without the time pressures and the freedom to go out sooner! Apologies, I know this is a first world problem.

Mines yr 13 and it is a big issue for younger ones as it’s not like our day where you could go out with no or fake ID. They are shit hot on it around here and the younger just don’t go out as a result. Last day of school in a few weeks is causing angst as not everyone can go to pub at lunchtime.
Does she want a party? Not all do.
If she does I’d schedule it after last exams.
Mines not allowed in nightclub until after exams and most of her friends are same - it’s fact they are out until 4am and it writes off next day.

For my daughter we went out the weekend of her 18th birthday to a posh restaurant with one friend. Then she had a big party the weekend her exams finished. She was one of the last as did sciences. It all worked well.

And now she is at uni and happy for good weather during her birthday. I felt mild guilt too but it’s only a short phase of life!

She can definitely go out with friends and be her 18th after if she wants. My DD’s friend had a sash so people would buy her drinks. Everyone will understand why it’s after exams. It’s still ‘Katie’s’ 18th birthday celebration.

The wages thing is also annoying for young ones, my dd got £2 an hour more just for turning 18 at her fast food job.

DD has a birthday at the start of August and has never celebrated it with her friends then as everyone was always on holiday. She has always waited until the very end of August when everyone is back.

So we always celebrate on the day with her - this year we are going somewhere really special in London with cocktails etc as it’s her 18th. And then for the first time, the day after, she will go to the pub with her friends! Because most aren’t away as they all went earlier because of finishing A levels.

Most of her friendship group don’t go to the pub at the moment - they are busy revising. We have from mid June to early August where they will be and she will be excluded but she’s abroad with friends for a week of that and abroad with us for two weeks so it’s only another 2 weeks!!!

I have a May birthday and had a Maths gcse on my 16th birthday then my history A Level on my 18th. Obviously you know your daughter, but sometimes the pressure of organising a ' big' birthday and wondering if people can come, being the centre of attention etc is extremely stressful. It was for me, and I was quite relieved to have the excuse not to have a big 'do'. I rememver saying I wanted to revise and do something in the summer then didnt do anything at all, apart from go on a long holiday in the summer. I had lots of good friends but just didnt want a party. My DS1 is the same. I give mine the option of party or family day out. DS1 always chooses family day out, DS2 always chooses party!

But agree being late summer born does have lots of disadvantages. Except when you get older - it’s bloody brilliant then!!

@VanCleefArpels You’re so right that they can celebrate later and this idea has been floated, but she’s having none of it. She just accepts she’s not having anything as it is too far after her birthday by the time everyone is free (& they they are going off on holidays etc). I explained how people postponed their big birthdays after Covid etc but I was flogging a dead horse.

I did major exams on my actual birthday at both 16 and 18 - it's just how it is if you're summer born. Just leave her to mull it over, and don't fuss. I'm sure she'll have a fun summer with her mates, once the exams are done. It's really not a big deal.

@Rollergirl11 yes! I mean year 13…. Have another doing GCSE’s so I’m getting confused!

You’re also right that I do feel more sad about it than her but I do suspect she is now managing her expectations as she originally talked about celebrating in half term by hiring a small venue, then that changed to going to the pub/local club with mates and now that has turned into doing nothing with her friends (specifically for her 18th).
She thinks she will end up going out during half term as a social with local mates but this won’t be related to her birthday as that ship will have sailed.
It’s ok, I’m just wrapping my head around it all and yes, as a parent I did want to spoil her. She wouldn’t even accept us giving her money for a round of drinks (as it wouldn’t be her birthday).

I'm taking my dd away for the weekend for her birthday, just us two, ages after her birthday when exams are finished- it's ok to celebrate on a different weekend.

My DS is 18 in June and thankfully does not have an exam that day. We are planning a family meal to celebrate and then he will do something with friends when the exams are over, which is a week or so later.

I sense a teeny bit of martyrdom/ cutting nose off to spite face in this OP - I’d keep shtum about it for now, sounds like she’s made her mind up!

She's being silly OP, of course the weekend after is fine & she can have a proper celebration, for her.

But I'd say she doesn't really want to do anything & is using this as an excuse.

My birthday was the same day as one of my exams. Same for my brother.
My friends gave me a few bits and bobs after my exam and we all hung out for a bit at my house.
I genuinely wasn't bothered at the time- lots of my friends were summer birthdays so no big deal...
but then was very chuffed to have a fab 21st when people were at Uni/ working and it was so much fun having a summer birthday drinking in the garden!

(I feel sad for my winter birthday children- horrible cold weather/ can never have fun outdoor parties etc!)

It does sound like she’s being particularly pedantic, perhaps tied up with not wanting the attention. As in it’s ok if it’s her actual real birthday but not wanting to be seen princessy if not. They do have very set views I sympathise.
Surprised she’s turned down free drinks from you!

Awwww my son is a July baby and for a few months up til he was 18c he could still go to the trendy pubs with his friends but the pub rules were that ‘children’ had to leave by like 8pm etc. so the poor boy always had to leave!

all good now (he’s 19 this year) and he’s more than made up for that!

I do get where you’re coming from though. DD had her friends coming round for pre’s before they headed out clubbing. I suggested having my friend’s DS (a barman in a swanky members bar) come round to make cocktails for them and DD pulled a face and said it was “all a bit extra”. She only just about let us provide Prosecco and beers for them all.

I think they are at that age where they don’t want to cause a fuss as it’s not cool. Also plans tend to be very last minute with nothing planned too far in advance. I don’t remember the last 18th party DD went to. There was a lot at the beginning of Year 13 as not enough people were 18 yet but as the year has gone on it’s just been pubs and clubs instead.

I think your DD is trying to save face and act like she doesn’t care. But I reckon by the time her birthday swings round she’ll end up doing something with her friends last minute to celebrate.

Yes, I’ve tried to find a solution around the problem but she admits she’s a bit disappointed that her good friends won’t even consider going out for a few hours for a meal (our treat!) as they will be non-stop revising. Then she has decided half term is too late and the moment has passed.

So we can’t win. But I do accept the situation now and will make sure we have a special family meal out regardless.

@Investinmyself i was surprised she turned down the offer of us paying for drinks too! I also think she’s being a bit pedantic now plus realises maybe she doesn’t want the attention.
However she would have enjoyed a meal out and maybe a cocktail, but what’s the point if your mates have already said they’re not taking any time off? By the next week they will still be in the thick of exams. I personally would have gone out for a few hours on a Friday night regardless but this lot are extremely studious.

I have a DC that doesn’t really like social events on their birthdays because they are low key. On their 18th we went to a hedgehog rescue hospital and they got to feed and cuddle baby hedgehogs. Then we came home and had a birthday cake.

@Cherryon That sounds lovely! You know your child and what they would really like.

@Bellini12
Oh, I had no idea, I just asked them is there anything special you have always wanted to do (within reason, we aren’t rich), and they thought of it themselves.

Times certainly have changed, I was off my tits at a race the night before one of my A’Level exams 😂

But if they don’t want to do anything, they don’t want to do anything.

DS will probably go out for lunch with a small group of friends. They went on Monday when the first of them turned 18. They need a few hours out of revising, surely?