Turning 18 during A Levels

[Bellini12]

I didn’t really know where to post this but figured there may be some in the same boat (in year 11).

DD is turning 18 right at the start of A Levels. She has already missed out on the social aspect of being slightly younger in the year (peers have been going to pubs/clubs for months now but she just stays in as knows she wouldn’t get in without ID - venues are strict around here).

Obviously no one wants to go out in May. I suggested the half term but still some won’t go out as will be hardcore revising. Besides, She says that is too far after her birthday. Everything I suggest (eg we pay for a meal out with a few mates/have people back here in half term) has been met with a big, fat no as it won’t feel like her bday as it’s so far afterwards. She says people won’t bother.

So she basically wants to do nothing.

I just feel so sad about it as I just can’t get my head around it all. Most of us remember what we did to celebrate our 18ths when looking back. I think she doesn’t want to risk organising anything in case she is knocked back. Times have changed apparently and despite me thinking kids need a break, she said many won’t even during half term.

She said she will go out for a meal with us a few days later but that’s it.

I am constantly berated for having my kids at an inconvenient time. We envy those autumn/winter born kids without the time pressures and the freedom to go out sooner! Apologies, I know this is a first world problem.

People do still go out during weekends of exams. Maybe get her to chat with friends to arrange a Saturday night out which still allows for daytime revision at the weekend. They all need to have downtime and relax so maybe a planned celebration means they will plan revision around her 18th.

My birthday is in may. My 18th I had a family meal and had drinks in the pub with a small group of friends. I then had a whole summer of wonderful times in pub gardens etc before I went to uni. I don't feel like I missed out. It doesn't need to be a major thing.

I turned 18 in the May of my A Levels. It wasn’t an issue, we just went out on the following Saturday night. May is a great month to have a birthday- weather is usually nice, 2 bank holidays. It was slightly annoying in school exam times but definitely not an inconvenient time to have a birthday.

Is she a celebrator in general?
Did she have a 16th (GCSE time!) or any other teen events?
My DS hates any kind of fuss and would be delighted to be able to use exams as an excuse (he's the first to go to someone else's do though) not to do anything.
If she wants to do something, I'd suggest doing something as close to her birthday as possible and as PP says if her friends want some down time they can use this as an excuse. I'd go low key though, a nice lunch or meal out - not a big boozy clubbing session!

It's not the end of the world if she doesn't have a big do. Find an excuse for a party another time.

DD hasn't had a party near her birthday ever, as it's in the middle of the summer holidays. Her 18th might be the exception, as it's near results day, so most people will be around.

As for being berated for having her in the summer - that probably means you've had much more choice of what to do for previous birthdays - winter birthday parties have to be inside (and one of mine had to be postponed due to snow). You win some, you lose some.

Both of my children have birthdays in exam season. DS has the same this year, turning 18 and a May birthday. He's not bothered. He'll probably go to the pub with some friends on the day and we're having a family meal at the weekend.

I sat Maths A Level on my 18th birthday, so I empathise! I had an 18th/end of exams party a couple of weeks later.

Couple of thoughts:

What would she actually like to do for her birthday ideally? (I wonder if she's using the A Levels as a bit of an excuse?) I'm a big celebrator of birthdays, but two of my teens never seem to want to do much with friends for their birthdays. I have loads of fond birthday memories, and would love my kids to have similar, but I'm having to let go of the idea that that's an important thing - because it isn't to them. (May not be the case at all, but just a thought.)

Over a lifetime, a May birthday will serve her well. I had a rubbish few years of birthdays in my late teens and early twenties when people were doing exams (and I'm just starting to again, a bit, now the kids have exams), but overall a summer birthday has been a great thing.

There are drawbacks to any birthday. We have three early September birthdays in our family - it's great the year people turn 18 and are the first to have ID etc (especially given that we're all real baby-faces!), but it's been really hard in the big transition years. Winter birthdays suffer being close to Christmas; August can be not much fun if people are away (and you're super-young in your year).

I think if she actually wants to do something, keep trying to think of a way around it. (The exam-year teens I know would happily have a night off at a weekend/in half term). But if it's more about you and the memories you think she should be making, then try to let it go.

A June birthday here. The plan is to wait until A levels finish and then go into London for a family cocktail evening as she has two adult sisters she is close to. She has a small, tight friendship group at school, but one of her friends isn't 18 until August so they will do something as a group then I think. If your DD is happy just to go out for a family meal, that's fine. Enjoy!

Thank you. I totally agree, especially that May is a lovely time to have a birthday - just not during exams!

No, her 16th wasn’t anything special either as was the day before GCSE’s started! We went out for a low-key lunch and that was it (but obviously no one can go to pubs at that age!).

She admits that some local friends will go to a pub/club during half term but there won’t be any actual 18 celebrations for her as it will be too far after the date (3 weeks later).

She is adamant no one will go out the Saturday after her birthday in May.

Yet she is gagging to go out legally as feels like she has missed out so far.

Don’t get me started on August birthdays! From personal experience your friends are never around and no one remembers!

At least in our day you could still sneak into the pub. Nowadays they are so strict on ID I have another DC who won’t even be 18 when they get their A Level results. Seems so unfair that they will have to miss out on clubs etc. It will be torture.

DD invited a group of friends for dinner in a nice restaurant. A quiet area and a waiter who was careful how he poured the pre-purchased wine.

Not the most exciting perhaps but it made DD feel quite grown up and it made a useful break from revision.

“I am constantly berated for having my kids at an inconvenient time.”-by who? Such a stupid concept, you cannot control pregnancy. I’d be very upset if someone suggested this to me after miscarriages.
she really needs to get over this. Just ask friends if they want to do something near her birthday, otherwise just wait. As an adult it’s quite common to do celebrations not on your actual birthday

@Nicelynicelyjohnson i did suggest a low-key meal out with mates but her point is that no one will want to go out during exam season at all! To be fair, some
of them are militant revisers. When she does go out it will be so far removed from her actual birthday that it will just be a general night out with mates

I’m going to try and let it go as don’t want to cause any added stress. Just feel a bit sad about it.

This was me. My bday was during May half term and everyone was revising/ not going out and by the time exams were over everyone was heading off on holiday etc. I also did 6 hours of finals exams on my 21st. It wasn’t great but honestly was also not the end of the world. For my 18th I had a family meal. For my 21st my friends organised a cake and everyone took an hour off revision to come and have a mini celebration- honestly that meant a lot to me as time was precious.

@Peonies12 It’s my delightful children that berate me!! I obviously explained to them that you are excited and relieved just to be pregnant that you don’t care when the due date is.
But yes we have had struggles with having a very young august born child (developmentally and at school). Plus she will be constrained going to pubs/clubs for many more months than her peers when the time comes. But that’s life!

I can’t remember my 18th (I’m old though). I a winter baby and remember it being horrible when I was younger as you couldn’t do anything like Alton Towers/BBQ/beach trip. Not that my parents would’ve stumped up for AT but I could always dream.

My son is an august birthday- I’m dreading the year they all turn 18! (He’s only 11 right now). Most of his mates are December birthdays too so will have been out celebrating for months before he can join them!

@Boxerdor yes there has been lots of chat about that too seeing as I have another who is August born. Some of her older DD’s mates have been out clubbing in London or even just gone to the local pub and she has to hear all about it or see the pics on social media afterwards.

I wish there was a rule that you can legally get into places when you’re in year 11! It’s such a big deal when you’re young and places are so strict, it’s not like you can still go in and stick to soft drinks; they don’t let you in the door! Times have definitely changed.

My son's 18th is in May. We are going for a meal and then when his exams are over he's going away for the weekend with friends. He doesn't mind that it's a while after his actual birthday but he's not one for celebrating too much anyway

Of course they can go out later after exams and it be a birthday celebration - so many reasons why people don’t celebrate on their actual birthday it’s not an issue. Just pick a date, invite people and say “18th birthday celebration” on the invites.

My brother had his a level, GCSEs exams and university exams on his actual birthday. It shuts one of those things. However after a few years, there will be no more school/exams and people will be free to celebrate.

In the nicest way possible it sounds like you’re more upset about it than your DD. I’m sure she will make up for it once the exams are finished! Although could her and her friends not even stretch to a nice meal and cocktails somewhere? Something that doesn’t curtail revision opportunities? Does she have a girls holiday or something similar to look forward to for after the exams are over?

DD literally just turned 18 2 weeks ago so has also been experiencing major FOMO and chomping at the bit to go clubbing and get in to ‘Spoons’. She managed to go clubbing the weekend after her birthday with her friends and also an impromptu night in Paris last weekend with her boyfriend but accepts that she probably won’t get a chance again until after her exams are finished. She might get a cheeky night out during half term but that’s about it.

DS will be 16 in May and has a GCSE exam actually on his birthday. It will probably be the same in 2 years time when he’s 18!

ps @Bellini12 don’t you mean Year 13 rather than Year 11?

My DD has a June birthday and had a physics exam on her 16th birthday. As far as I can recall, we went out for a meal, and she had friends over to our house for a gathering. It was all good. Same for her 18th tho she had finished exams IIRC.

I am sure her friends would be happy to go out for an evening off, even if in the middle of exams. A Friday or Saturday maybe?

Mate of DS's was 18 in August and was a bit p-d off that he couldn;t join the teachers in the pub for the traditional last-day drink (teachers do not drink I hasten to add!) at the end of exams. Luckily he was 18 a week before results day so I offer your DS future-sympathy @Bellini12

My son turned 18 and I wasn't even there. He is a late July baby. He worked all day and had football practice after so in between he had a few presents and I'd arranged a bunch of balloons and a big '18' in his football colours at his GF's house where he was staying. He also missed out on a 16th party and usual trip after GCSEs due to Covid.
My DD turned 18 didn't want anything either. I think she went to one 18th party. Guess it's not really the thing anymore.