They settle in and we miss them. Uni Starters 2023 - Thread 2

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I wanted to get a news thread ready for everyone as you wake up in the Uk.

We are settling into a routine of talking to DS on FaceTime on Sunday mornings after our breakfast, which is early pm his time. It is so nice to see his smile and catch up on how he is doing. I know at some point he will have a bad day, but so far he seems to be doing so well, I am ridiculously proud.

Hope you all have a good week!

It's interesting how they cope. I thought ds1 would struggle with friendships and was really worried, but he made some amazing friends. Dd, I thought would thrive, but had the opposite experience, yet her childhood friends are ok and seeming to enjoy their experience so far so. I don't think there is anyway to tell, we just have to support as best we can for each individual.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto dgs is still struggling a bit sadly. He has been having seizures. He is quite small and slim too. He is actually generally happy though. How is your ds now?

@MargaretThursday your dd sounds awesome actually. It's great that she's had a good think about what's best for her.

@Downsidesupside I agree. My dd was always really sociable and could make friends anywhere. She made friends at her first attempt at uni but she hated it. She was also really independent with social stuff and had lived in shared accommodation before too (complicated). She struggled with all aspects and is so much happier commuting in from home.

ds is predictably thinking of leaving. he has been to about 2 seminars this year. there have been a few reasons but essentially its work. we have just had a row about it. so i am feeling pretty bad as its his decision.

Despite going to 2 seminars he got 84% in his first assignment. Wouldn't you be tempted to stay?

That's so hard @stilldumdedumming , you must be having to bite your tongue hard - I know I would be. It sounds as if he's more than capable - does he have an alternative plan? Might he be persuaded to give it some more thought over the Christmas vac before making a final decision? Fingers crossed he will come to a decision you can get behind.

MN is crazy for coincidences @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto - on the equivalent thread for dd1 I encountered someone who was in my 12-strong PGCE tutor group! What are the chances?

@ZittiEBuoni I did not do a very good job of biting my tongue! That's the problem. I mean I didn't tell him what to do but it wasn't our calmest conversation. He has a job which is paying pretty well and he has been asked to apply to other agencies where he'd get more and potentially could specialise in an area he likes.

Thing is ds is all or nothing. He is very intense. Which means he's all in with his job but when he decides he doesn't want to do it anymore he won't have anything to fall back on.

And the real problem is he wants me to agree with him when I keep telling him I don't agree but it's his decision.

He will do whatever he does. I need to not get drawn in as much!

Ah crikey that’s hard @stilldumdedumming but remember university will still be there if the ‘job’ goes pear-shaped. It does sound like it’s more than a job though and a potential career. I’m not understanding how funding works if you leave. Is that a nightmare?

DD2 is currently applying for a placement for next year. Anyone else? She’s completed a lot of online tests etc and a couple of online interviews so fingers crossed something comes to fruition. I think a lot of them are fairly competitive.
She also had a little wobble just before half term. Im thinking it’s very normal as the novelty of 1st year has worn off, 2nd year academics have stepped up, can no longer roll out of bed & into a lecture, plus navigating living in a house, which is quite different to halls. Then the added pressure of securing a placement and all the research & time that involves. And then there’s the rather grim weather!

@NotDonna I think year 2 is hard. As you say, there's a natural slump which is a breeding ground for wobbles. I remember it myself. I think part of having a degree is actually showing that you can stay the course.

I am not sure if I mentioned that ds already used a year of sfe. So it's not his first rodeo. It means that to go back he will need some personal finance and would be hard.

Also if he absolutely loved his job I would be happier but he doesn't really. He is just a workaholic and can't do both at once.

Ahhh that’s very different then @stilldumdedumming if it was a dream job / vocation then it’s worth pursuing!

Despite going to 2 seminars he got 84% in his first assignment. Wouldn't you be tempted to stay?

Honestly - not really. If he's attending so few lectures it's clear that he's not that interested in studying, so the fact that he's potentially good at the subject is neither here nor there.

However, I can fully appreciate your frustration @stilldumdedumming that he's become fixated on this job but it will fall out of favour as well over time. It sounds as if he needs more freedom to experiment with different career options than university will allow, so I think I'd let him crack on with it for a few years until he's a bit clearer in his own mind about what he wants.

@NotDonna DS is tentatively applying for placements and god it is a lot of extra work, on top of a much increased academic work schedule as well. Based on advice from another MN thread about the value of placement years for young scientists, we've decided to be very selective; he doesn't have to do one, and he's on an integrated Master's so his course is already 4 years long.

@tribpot you are absolutely spot on.

I don't actually have any say in the matter. He is an adult (and I don't fund him in any substantial way - just pay for his prescription certificate and his phone - which I promised to do while at uni).

I am sad though that he feels I am not backing him (we have spoken again). We are both people that like to talk things through, pick out what's working and what isn't. But he didn't want that kind of conversation! I think it will just play out in whatever way. I have always known he will be ok because he's very resourceful and quite big headed! He believes in his abilities.

@tribpot yes it is a lot of extra work! That thread is interesting but I think it’s mainly ‘Tizer’ suggesting they’re not worth it. She definitely has a point re engineering degrees but I’m less sure about others. She also raised an interesting view that those students who do get placements (thus good at the assessments etc) are likely to get good grad schemes whether they had a placement year or not. She’s probably correct. DD2 is applying to a fair few tbh but I do wonder if the less prestigious ones will be worth it. She has a job both term time and holidays so it’s not as if she has zero work experience. There’s also the added worry about what happens in yr4 as her current flatmates are staying in the house for yr3 but will have all left when she returns. What is useful is her experiencing the assessments etc etc and having a proper think about what areas she fancies. I think you’re right about cherry picking and being selective.

So sorry about DGS @stilldumdedumming. I hope he's getting good medial care.

You have my sympathy over DS too, especially as he only seems to want affirmation from you, I'd find that particularly difficult to navigate

Well...ds decided to stay. Started going to his seminars. Then his girlfriend broke it off. Hit him spectacularly hard, I spent most of the day on the phone to him, and also to the Samaritans until he was able to call them himself. Managed to get his flatmate to get home and get him on a train. So he's at his dad's. His dad and I should have gone down earlier in the day but we both thought he'd get through the day until it was quite late and he was telling us he had tablets to take.

This is the first time he's ever been like this.

There's obviously more going on with him than his girlfriend (although they were getting pretty serious and she has a lot on so they had been deep on the emotional side of things).

Yes you've guessed it he's got 2 jobs today back in London. One in a school which he loves and one is a reception which he's in charge of running guest of honour being a musical hero of his from when he was a kid. He says he's going to both. There is nobody to do the reception. But something has to give.

This may actually be a catalyst for him to get help with some things he has been running from emotional and ND-wise. Bloody hell now I remember how dramatically hairy the 20s are. Today is another day.

Oh my lord @stilldumdedumming I can't imagine what you've all been through. Hoping he's safe today

Oh @stilldumdedumming , you must feel as if you're on a ship in a storm, tossed this way and that. Poor ds, the romantic snags really hit our ND kids harder than most, I think. I hope he can stabilise his emotions and feel safer very soon .

thank you all. @ZittiEBuoni I hadn't thought of that. He has no diagnosis but it's fairly clear there is some ND. His dad and I were saying it feels so overwhelming that it's like a melt down.

Anyway he is a bit more stable today but still quite wobbly.

Oh crikey @stilldumdedumming do hope you’re ok! It’s so so very very tough seeing your ’child’ struggle like this. I’ve everything crossed that he soon gets well enough to deal with the underlying issues.

Happy Not-So-New Year to all parents of 2nd years - is everyone back at uni now? Hope all the dc that were struggling at the end of last term found some quiet time and new perspectives over the Christmas break.

DD went back quite early, the first weekend of the month, for rehearsals and general socialising. When we dropped her off her room was FREEZING - I was so upset all the way home. But found a little plug-in heating gizmo at Dunelm and sent it to her; apparently it works a treat, so I feel a bit better.

She was talking about going back to the choir @MirandaWest 's DD sings in this week, having dropped out for a term - funny to think they may have been standing within feet of each other this evening!

Anyway, best of luck to all for the tricky middle term .

Happy new-ish year @ZittiEBuoni ! Not back here yet; it's the assessment period and he has two exams, one on on the first day of the assessment period (last Monday) and one on the second-to-last (next Thursday) so I get to drive back and forth twice - fortunately next week's coincidences with a business meeting in the same place.

That little heating gizmo looks very handy! Is DD in a shared house? I'd be on to the landlord about the heat as that doesn't sound good at all.

As we go into semester 2 I guess for those of us with DC on 3 year courses we're now into the second half of the uni journey 😵DS is on a 4 year course so I'm just glad to have the autumn term behind us - it's such a long one.

After Dds horrible first year with accommodation issues, friendship issues, boyfriend issues, medical issues, scraping through the year by a percentage mark, this year has done a total 180°. Last term went well, commuting from home, great group of local friends, new group of university friends, new (very sweet and lovely) new boyfriend who clearly adores her, and according to her latest exam results which will count towards the degree unlike last years, borderline for a 1st. It's been amazing watching her come back to herself.

That sounds amazing @Downsidesupside , what a huge relief for you.

That's so great to hear @Downsidesupside - things can change so quickly, hope this term continues the upward trend.

It's not even the landlord, @tribpot , it's her flatmates - they're terrified to put the central heating on because they're already paying so much in rent.

And good luck to your ds in his exams @tribpot .

They could well have been @ZittiEBuoni - which part does your DD sing? Mine is a soprano.

DS has been in Newcastle doing assignments but has come back here now as lectures don’t start again for another week or so. He’s applied for a year abroad next year and should find out about it soon. I’m glad he didn’t apply for one in Australia - all the ones he has are in Europe (all the courses he’s applied for are in English).

@Downsidesupside such brilliant news! Phew!

My ds went back day after Boxing Day (and came up Xmas morning. He was working and forgot what day it was ! ADHD do we think? He had to get a very expensive coach as no trains).

He's working very hard. Winter assignment marks are ok-ish. He tried to win his gf back but she's moved on. He's ok.

I had forgotten how hard this middle bit is! Thank you for the reminder!

Dd is year 1 so interloping here. She's doing so well and her baby is gorgeous. She's determined to prove people wrong who said she couldn't do such a full on course and have a baby.