Annnddd they're off! Uni Starters 2023 Thread.

[Titsywoo]

Hi all,

I thought I'd start a different thread as the Alevels and beyond one is more geared to remarks and clearing at this point so didn't want to start derailing that with chat off packing and freshers week.

How is everyone getting on with helping their DC prepare and the idea that soon they will be moving away?

My DD is off to Cardiff to read psychology so will be about 3.5 hours drive away. I'm both nervous and excited for her right now! Packing is going well - pretty much all stuff has been bought and the induction pan set should arrive today. There is a large pile on the landing which keeps growing as we think of extra bits.

Due to a very lucky spot by me when scrolling Tiktok DD has found and been added to the Cardiff Psychology year 1 snapchat group. From that she got chatting to some others who aren't massively into drinking or clubbing and they have another chat for people who want to do other things than clubbing. They are organising meeting for some of the SU 'Give it a go' events such as an escape room and Ikea trip! Dd has also persuaded a couple of people to join the Hookers society with her (for crocheting! 😄).

Dd had a terrible time with bullying and social isolation from year 5 till the end of sixth form so I am praying this is the new start where she finally finds her tribe 🤞🙏

Looking forward to hearing how everyone's DC is getting on and how the first few weeks are for them. Not long to go now! DD leaves in 20 days 😬

@BabyStopCryin
I wouldn't expect an 18/19yo at the start of their independence to think of phoning to ask "how are you?"
To them, you're at home doing what you always do, so why shouldn't you be fine?
But also they're trying to show how independent and grown-up they are, so they need to have an excuse to call. Calling because they were thinking about you isn't cool! The practical "can I microwave a cat to dry it?" etc can be just an excuse to call, so don't look down on those conversations.

When he calls to ask the practical questions, ask him a few questions about what he's doing.
Dd2 phones when she's asking something. But then she often stays on chatting for over an hour, and I have heard far more from her than I expected. I think if we'd scheduled a weekly slot to chat as dd1 did, ironically we'd have heard less from her. but this way she calls when she wants to know something, and then I get to ask her casually what's happening which works for her.

Totally agree @MargaretThursday
Im not getting calls but texts and not asking any questions but saying what’s she’s doing and sending me photos from her nights out telling me who’s who from left to right etc. There’s a lot of Bens! It’s so lovely seeing the photos!

Today I got a blow by blow account of his shopping expedition (with photos) and a long discussion about how he needs to go and get his haircut! Bless

I have had one are you ok? But only because the other children decided that she needed to know I’d bumped my car.

But apart from that I initiate any contact.

I'm really lucky with dd she calls for a catch up every couple of days and wants to know what everyone is up to.
She's absolutely loving life which is so lovely.

She went to a networking event last night at a local chambers and met some of the barristers. They were really impressed with how much work experience she has done already and she thought that she might be able to get some there too.
She's emailed the contacts she made last night to say it was nice to meet them and to let them know if any thing came up before the official application date for mini pupilages she would love a chance to work there.

I went to see her last week and had such a lovely day. We went for lunch and then shopping for court appropriate clothes as she's entering a mooting competition this week.

Ten days in and my daughter is lonely and sad in her room. She has done all the right things. Gone to events and joined clubs.

But she left karaoke night as everyone was in groups and she kept being alone. She had lots of friends at school. She gets on with people on her course but has nobody who seems to seek her out.

I have told her she just needs to keep on doing what she is doing. It’s so hard when you can’t help them. My heart breaks for her.

I bet loads dont make their university friends during Freshers week @MouseCatchingCats , my dd was mentioning a few names last week but now only talks about one person they have connected with and is in currently in her room studying.

Maybe if people said which uni their dc is at then others can help?

Thank you. She seems to think she is the only one in this position and that everyone is all sorted. Your message has made me feel better. I think at times, I am feeling worse than she is.

I came on to say exactly this. My DD seems to just be working. And only mentioning one person. I know it's still early days. I just worry as she is so shy.

@MouseCatchingCats we are in the same position. It's brutal, isn't it? I'm honestly not sure if DS is going to keep going as this has been such a disappointment and (more fundamentally) I don't think he's particularly enjoying the course either.

He's coming home this weekend so I'll be seeing how he's feeling. Can your DD come home for a quick visit?

Ah sorry to hear about your son.

It has not even been two weeks for my daughter so we feel she needs to give it longer. The thing is, she likes the course even though it is full-on. People are nice but they are not wanting to befriend her.

I spoke to her about coming home for a visit. She said she would like nothing more, but she needs to give it longer as people might ‘think she is weird’ if she goes home. She is always worried what people will think about her. She regrets her choice of accommodation too as it’s not very social. Her toxic ‘frenemy’ from school is thriving there, posting all over SM but not in touch with her. Which makes things worse.

It is all so difficult. Enjoy the weekend with your boy!!

My girl is quite miserable too.
She is more than 250 miles away.she has made friends but is very homesick.she is staying with her brother this weekend and then the following weekend some school friends ae visiting her.

My dd is miserable and homesick too. Her flatmates are not sociable at all and no one on her course is on her wavelength. She’s been to some events and got a few socials to go to this weekend, so hopefully she’ll find someone, anyone! She just sits in her room all the time. It doesn’t help that she doesn’t have a living room or common room and there isn’t a bar or any sort of social space in her halls. She is loving the course, but the social side of things is really getting her down.

Cardiff is a big place, there must be at least one other sarcastic, gig going, vodka drinking odd ball there somewhere!

i just want to go and rescue her, but I can’t!

I think part of the problem is a misconception that all universities are the same and that you’re guaranteed this immediate wonderful social life. The harsh reality is that you can’t have it all. If you’ve chosen a highly academic city university which attracts a lot of international students, somewhere like LSE for example, you're going to have a completely different social experience to someone who’s picked say Lancaster which is campus, collegiate and has ten bars on campus. Likewise you will not have the same experience in St Andrews as you would in Leeds. It’s really hard because you just desperately want them to settle and be happy. I genuinely think most would benefit from a gap year (working) first and it would also give them longer to properly research where they might want to live. At the end of the day though, much is down to luck. You could be in a party central university like Newcastle and still not get on with your flat mates. I really hope they all settle and find good friends. They will be out there!

Can I join too please? I’m another one with a DD who is struggling to find friends. She is in a studio flat so has no flatmates. She loves to socialise but is quite shy so is way out of her comfort zone trying to meet people. She is persevering though, bless her, and I think things are getting a bit better. She’s going to yoga with the girl in the studio flat next door on Saturday morning and out clubbing with some girls she met in lectures on Saturday night. Hope it goes well. She went to watch the rugby at one of the Uni bars last weekend as a boy from her lectures had set up a wee WhatsApp group inviting a bunch of them, but she was the only one who turned up so it was a bit awkward - just him and her 🙈 She doesn’t even like rugby 😂 Shame she’s in Scotland and not Cardiff @Tabbytabs as it sounds like she’d get on well with your DD!

We are now entering a difficult few weeks for our students where it is very common to find it hard. The excitement has worn off, homesickness is more acute, friends are really still just acquaintances, cooking for themselves feels a challenge rather than routine….

DD was doing ok - not brilliant but ok - but called tonight really crying and homesick - saying she wants to come home. She has made a couple of 'friends' but not ones that are messaging her every day or two wanting to make plans. She feels she can't push it too much as she doesn't want to appear needy.

She is lucky that she really gets on with one of her flat mates but she is often out with her bf so she doesn't see her much. She is in Manchester - so party central - and has been clubbing with these new friends a couple of times so I am just hoping that things keep moving forward.

I actually think this term is hard for most of them. DD will persevere and hopefully things will just keep getting better but god, i feel for all of them that didn't go with a bestie/group/boyfriend/girlfriend - it's absolutely brutal.

I could have written your first paragraph word for word. It is hard when they are stuck in an unsociable hall and you know things could be so different if they were with a different group.

It’s heartbreaking isn’t it. I have been through this with my son too, but things turned out more than ok within a few months. He is so happy now.

I am trying to tell myself it’s early days. Wouldn’t it be nice not to care so much about them?!

Can they just force themselves to socialise? Ds is really not a sociable person but he is literally acting like someone else (deliberately). He keeps his door open constantly and is the one knocking on people’s doors asking if they want coffee or to watch a movie etc. He has gone along to various societies on his own and looked out for people who might look like they want to chat snd just forced himself to say “hi, I’m x what’s your name”. He went to the geekiest society on Monday night and ended up going to the bar with a group until 1am afterwards just by adopting a persona which really isn’t his natural way ar all. He’s also adopting waifs and strays into his flat group too. He hasn’t needed it but there is a very active freshers parents Facebook group for his university and they are linking people up who are struggling too. Might be worth seeing if that’s an option?

The new style of accommodation doesn’t help either. In my day everyone was sharing kitchens and everyone was sharing bathrooms. Now it’s too easy to get tempted by the lovely self contained living spaces which then of course reduce the mixing.

I forced dc to pick the shared bathroom, large corridor accommodation over the small en suite flats of four even though we could afford the en suite. It’s more important to have every opportunity to mix. I also wouldn’t let him take his xbox..

hang on in there though. They will click with someone.

Oh bless them. It is so much harder sometimes than they (and we) think it's going to be.

Mine finally made a breakthrough when she'd said on her course WA group that her house wasn't very sociable. A girl messaged her and said "mines the same, shall we go out one night?"

God I love that girl whoever she is.

Era ds chose that sort of accommodation (shared bathroom) himself after hearing about an older friend’s accommodation where no one left their rooms.

It kind of makes me feel better that others are struggling too, not that it’s good that your poor dcs are having a bad time, but that there are others in the same boat iykwim! I will make it clear to dd that she is not alone and it will get better.

She has a history soc pub crawl tonight, real ale soc pub crawl tomorrow, Labour soc pub crawl Saturday and vinyl music soc record fair trip Sunday, so if she doesn’t meet anyone by the end of Sunday I’ll be very surprised! I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed!!