Complete change of plan

[mrsconradfisher]

Very long story but DS has wanted Loughborough Sports Science forever. Got rejected back in May. Was going to attempt to try again next year but got AAB yesterday so no chance now. He has a place at Birmingham but it’s never been what he wanted however has really tried being positive about it. We went out yesterday and bought some bits to take with him and he booked his accommodation this morning.

Then has suddenly broke down in tears and says he doesn’t think he actually wants to go now. He got a B in PE and is now doubting his ability to even do the subject let alone keep up at Birmingham. He is a real homebody who isn’t interested in drinking/partying. Our local Uni (UEA) has spaces in clearing for a similar course, PE, Sport and Health so he called and been offered a place.

He has until tomorrow at 4pm to decide what to do. It’s going to be a complete logistical nightmare to sort out everything with Birmingham and it also seems crazy turning down a RG uni for a very different course but I feel like I need to listen to what he is saying.

He’d simply commute in from where we live so could keep his job, his girlfriend (of 4 years) and continue with the football training that he does.

Any negatives?

@mrsconradfisher You clearly have not read the course details for uea! It says you can transfer to one of three other courses after year 1. The first year is broad but why could he not do one of the options from year 2 onwards? It’s not relating to the social side of anything. Why did you think that? It’s hardly hospitality. Uea is high up in the league tables with good employment/further study rates so I think it’s a decent alternative. Yes, he might find his social life is compromised by being at home but that’s part of his choice. Going in with his eyes open is important.

This is the latest Complete University Guide's ranking for sports courses. Loughborough first, UEA third, Birmingham 6th.

We have absolutely read the course details and also spoke to the course tutors on Open Days. They said it was a purely social science course and if you want the focus to be the science side of it (physiology and biomechanics) it’s not the right course.

Yes you can change to the other courses but they are even less science based than the Sport, PE and Health.

How far away from the A boundary was he ? Could you persuade him that it was close enough not to matter

League tables interesting and tight at the top percentage wise. I always look at the breakdown as can actually lose points by having a lower grade requirement even if other aspects of course highly rated.

UEA look good on employment prospects on that league table for sport. First if I've read correctly!

Hi mrs what a nightmare!

This is a bit of a wildcard suggestion and I would feel conflicted myself about this as a parent, so I’m just putting it out there and feel free to knock it down. If you feel a year out would be best - is there any mileage in telling him this and that you would only fund him from next year? It seems controlling, but sometimes parenting a teen as you would a younger child gives them freedom to back out of a situation??

I wanted to contribute because I've lived in those places & worked for the Unis but actually ... I think the most useful thing I could say is to encourage both of you to not think of whatever decision gets made not as a mistake or something that might be regretted but rather to think this way: Almost every decision you make is the right one because it was the best decision you could make at the time. Success in Life is about trying to make most of the opportunities whatever they are, as they happen. Note I said trying to make, not always actually making most of the opportunities. The latter would be perfection & nobody achieves that.

All That said, my other perspective is : I didn't pursue a mathy degree because I didn't excel at math at A-level; my only regret is that I let myself be so easily discouraged because my results were still very competent, just I didn't know at the time.

The ion day for that course is not the same as the other courses students can transfer to. Did you look at those. I agree the ranking is good so continually obsessing about detail is very distracting regarding his position right now.

I suppose the question, as a PP asked earlier, is what your DS intends to use his degree/further study for? If for example he is focused on being able to apply science to help drive elite athlete performance then a course with a higher proportion of physiology/biomechanics would clearly be better, but there are many future career directions that won't need to have this focus. I do completely accept that this may be the aspect of the subject that he most enjoys/is looking forward to. If that is the case I would relook at Surrey as that would tick all of these boxes and their facilities are outstanding. I do hope though that good quality options aren't being dismissed just because of a perception that they are less prestigious.

Funnily enough I thought the same thing. It feels like he wants me to make the decision for him tbh.

I’m sorry your ds is disappointed. I would urge him not to make any impulsive decisions and to really try and unpick what he’s feeling and why. Sometimes human nature (and teenage nature) when faced with disappointment is to rip everything up and self sabotage and there is a risk this is what he’s doing.

First I would suggest he needs to mourn the fact that he’s not going to Loughborough- from your posts it sounds like he had formed a narrative when he would get an A and reapply and be accepted. It’s so easy to do this and in your mind it can sadly appear a done deal. He needs to let it go which can be painful. It would be good to consider what it was which made him want the Loughborough course so badly? Was it prestige? The course content? (if this then it sounds like the UEA course is a bad fit for him) Or something else?

Once he has decided this then he can consider what would be the right course for him and not just rush into something as a knee jerk reaction to disappointment- which the UEA course sounds like.

Birmingham is an amazing university, as are UEA, Surrey and many others within his grasp with fab grades of AAB. Yes he may not be the best but he is bloody good and he needs to take time to process this and learn to celebrate his successes.

If it were my son I would look into him seeing if he could defer the Birmingham place and just give him some space to reflect, mourn and plan for his future. Two days after results and such a big disappointment he is still in such an emotionally charged space that he cannot make well thought out decisions. This can only happen when he has processed the fact that his education is not following the path that he had wanted. That doesn’t make it worse (or better) it just makes it different.

Perception can be an issue, as can a 'name'... RG thrive on that perhaps to the unfair detriment of other good universities.

It would help if I posted the fuller version of the table!

Thank you, he either wants to focus on the biomechanics side of things or psychology in sport. Ideally what he’d like to do is work with footballers.

He has amazing people skills (shockingly as he can’t make a bloody decision) and huge amounts of empathy and understanding. He was told from the start of Secondary School that he would never be able to do anything to do with Sport and was constantly put down as not good enough. I suspect (with my Mum head on) that he will end up being a Secondary PE teacher but clearly no 18 year old wants their dream of working in the sporting industry dashed.

PE teachers, and specifically male ones are one of the very few categories of teacher still available in abundance. A joint Geog degree would serve him well if he did go down that route. But appreciate that might not help much currently!

Potentially a left field suggestion then, maybe he could look at Sports Therapy or Sports Rehabilitation (effectively sports physio - most Physio courses are focused more on NHS careers eg supporting stroke/surgery recovery). A friend is doing this at Solent (never hear of this uni on MN!) and they have links with football and cricket clubs and he is in the process of looking at placement options with an elite sports club.

Thank you for such kind words, it’s just made me cry.
It was everything with Loughborough, the course content, the campus, the tutors, the whole feel of the place plus the prestige and the knowledge that he had proved everyone wrong.
He is angry with himself for turning down the course at Loughborough he did get accepted for, angry for having no teacher and having to teach himself the whole second year of Psychology (he is 2 marks off an A star) and just feels like he has let everyone down.
He really hasn’t at all but is trying to make decisions quickly which is not his forte

If he does go for uea, so they have any accom for clearing? Because I would urge you to consider him living in halls for the first year to allow him to really enter into uni life and bond with it. Then can live at home in the second two years. A lot of London based children so this. It would help to balance the risk that he stays wholly rooted in his home environment and friendship group, just wandered in for the occasional lecture, which makes it much more likely that he doesn’t get lift off

And if he isn’t madly ready for independent life I would, if he has digs, get him to out his min loan towards rent and then pay him your construction as monthly allowance. No way would I have liked to see my DS1 sitting on a term’s money at once. Although I know that this standard practice.

Sorry. So many typos. Appologies

Hi Op. Looking at all your posts, it’s does seem that the UEA course is the wrong one for him. It does not focus on what he wants to do. That is the key thing at this stage. So he should reject this and start thinking of the way forward from there. He should also consider getting his PE remarked as he will always wonder if it’s wrong. Then he has the choice of considering Surrey, going to Birmingham or taking a gap year and resitting PE.

@mrsconradfisher Reading your most recent post I think he should see about deferring Birmingham- and maybe he needs you as mum to make the decision for him? The UEA course may well be the right one for him but at the moment it sounds like he’s tried to venture into the big world - it didn’t go to plan and now he’s retreating into the safety of what is known.

If he can defer he has plenty of time to process his feelings and UEA Birmingham Surrey etc will still be there in a year. In a month or so maybe he could call Loughborough and chat through other options they have which may be available to him?

How he’s feeling at the moment is normal and this time will pass (I know that sounds trite but it’s true). He needs to just ride it out and then make some calm well thought out decisions. He has done really well he has not let anyone down and he should also remember that other people and their feelings are not his responsibility. He needs space now and not the pressure of having to make huge decisions. How he feels now is not going to be how he feels in a month.

I can only imagine how tough this must be as his mum.

All this talk of "mourning" seems ridiculous and probably won't help the lad. He only ever had an outside chance of going to Loughborough but gave it his best shot but its not going to happen.

Maybe you should back away, OP. I know it's hard but he really needs to figure this out without your input.

And I think MN has a lot to answer for with some young people fixating on RG to the point they think perfectly good non RGs are beneath them!

Glad it was a helpful suggestion mrs - there was something about your posts that made me wonder if he is subconsciously asking you to take control.
this is in contravention to the poster above - but might the loss of his Loughborough dreams also have thrown him, in addition to his recent bereavements? I lost two friends when a little older than he is and it honestly took years to get over, it’s very profound to lose someone young.

I know. I lost my mum and gran as a teen. Hence I don't think it's a good idea to catastrophise not getting on a uni course. I just don't think it will help the lad.