Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Complete change of plan

106 replies

mrsconradfisher · 18/08/2023 15:27

Very long story but DS has wanted Loughborough Sports Science forever. Got rejected back in May. Was going to attempt to try again next year but got AAB yesterday so no chance now. He has a place at Birmingham but it’s never been what he wanted however has really tried being positive about it. We went out yesterday and bought some bits to take with him and he booked his accommodation this morning.

Then has suddenly broke down in tears and says he doesn’t think he actually wants to go now. He got a B in PE and is now doubting his ability to even do the subject let alone keep up at Birmingham. He is a real homebody who isn’t interested in drinking/partying. Our local Uni (UEA) has spaces in clearing for a similar course, PE, Sport and Health so he called and been offered a place.

He has until tomorrow at 4pm to decide what to do. It’s going to be a complete logistical nightmare to sort out everything with Birmingham and it also seems crazy turning down a RG uni for a very different course but I feel like I need to listen to what he is saying.

He’d simply commute in from where we live so could keep his job, his girlfriend (of 4 years) and continue with the football training that he does.

Any negatives?

OP posts:
Supercat100 · 18/08/2023 15:30

Sorry to hear about the stress. I think he should stay and do the local course. I used to work in sport and it really doesn't matter where you go. If he does well he could always try for a masters at Loughborough later. Sounds like the poor kid needs the pressure taken off for a bit.

Buttons0522 · 18/08/2023 15:36

Forget about the ‘Russell group’ label, honestly it matters not one jot. Look at the course, facilities, graduate prospects and anything else which is important to him: location, societies, scholarships etc. See how many boxes it ticks.

StillWantingADog · 18/08/2023 15:38

Bless him. Certainly staying at home will save a lot of money, that’s not to be sniffed at in this climate

sure it’s not the same experience but not everyone is suited to moving away at 18.

he needs a calm talk and a good nights’ sleep but if he still feels the same way in the morning i would support the new plan

SportsAndExerciseMedicineDoc · 18/08/2023 15:56

Tricky one. Difficult at 18 to understand you may come out of uni a different person from the one who went in and his feelings may change as he gets into the swing of things. Sticking with what you know always feels like the easiest option.

If he loves the subject, Birmingham is one of the best-ranked Sports Science courses around. They're doing some interesting work in carbohydrate usage in sport, particularly in cycling. With access to some of the top teams.

A 'B' in PE is no reflection of his ability to do well in Sports Science. If he has an interest and curiosity that's going to take him far, especially if he isn't partying too hard :) Plus, the post-degree opportunities, if he wants to work in the field, will be greater.

Original poster
mrsconradfisher · 18/08/2023 16:00

Supercat100 · 18/08/2023 15:30

Sorry to hear about the stress. I think he should stay and do the local course. I used to work in sport and it really doesn't matter where you go. If he does well he could always try for a masters at Loughborough later. Sounds like the poor kid needs the pressure taken off for a bit.

Thank you. I think if it was exactly the same course it would be a no brainer but it’s less science based than the Birmingham one and I think he’s worried about him holding him back.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsconradfisher · 18/08/2023 16:08

SportsAndExerciseMedicineDoc · 18/08/2023 15:56

Tricky one. Difficult at 18 to understand you may come out of uni a different person from the one who went in and his feelings may change as he gets into the swing of things. Sticking with what you know always feels like the easiest option.

If he loves the subject, Birmingham is one of the best-ranked Sports Science courses around. They're doing some interesting work in carbohydrate usage in sport, particularly in cycling. With access to some of the top teams.

A 'B' in PE is no reflection of his ability to do well in Sports Science. If he has an interest and curiosity that's going to take him far, especially if he isn't partying too hard :) Plus, the post-degree opportunities, if he wants to work in the field, will be greater.

Thank you, I take it from your user name you are a bit of an expert?

Birmingham is amazing and I can totally see that on paper it’s the best course for him but he’s really worried he’s going to get there and just crumble. The course at UEA is very different but perhaps more him. He is concerned that the opportunities are less at UEA however they do offer a placement and a Year Abroad. Birmingham don’t do placement years which is why he was dithering over it in the first place.

Ultimately he wants to do a Masters, I’m not sure he’d be able to do a masters in Sports Science without an actual pure sports science degree?

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 18/08/2023 16:19

RG means nothing in the context of his course because it isn't a research uni and UEA is well expected. As for Masters he will be able to a Masters in Sports Science. My nephew did an English Lit degree and a CompSci Masters! A friend's daughter got AAD so missed her Loughborough place and did Sports and Exercise Science at Kent but then went to Loughborough for Masters in Nutrition.

UEA is a fab uni and I am sure that they offer accommodation too even for those in clearing. It won't be too bad to withdraw from Birmingham if he had uni halls rather than private ones and its just a case of changing uni and course in Student Finance account online.

He is feeling battered and bruised but it is his decision and you need to support that.

Spirallingdownwards · 18/08/2023 16:20
  • respected not expected!!!! DYAC
DinkyDaisy · 18/08/2023 16:38

Hi @mrsconradfisher we have spoken on different threads (my ds deliberating between Bath and Surrey at the time).
My sister in law went to UEA and although a different subject entirely now has a PhD in her subject. I know Norwich a great town as I'm sure you do as close to it. It sounds like UEA maybe the way to go now to keep your son stable and happy - especially if actual course suits him better.

Original poster
mrsconradfisher · 18/08/2023 16:44

DinkyDaisy · 18/08/2023 16:38

Hi @mrsconradfisher we have spoken on different threads (my ds deliberating between Bath and Surrey at the time).
My sister in law went to UEA and although a different subject entirely now has a PhD in her subject. I know Norwich a great town as I'm sure you do as close to it. It sounds like UEA maybe the way to go now to keep your son stable and happy - especially if actual course suits him better.

Thank you, I’ve also suggested Surrey again several times as we both really liked it.

UEA is great and this choice would have so many positives, just need to be sure he isn’t doing it for the wrong reasons just cause he is panicking

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 18/08/2023 16:49

He's what, 18? Some kids are just not ready to go away to university, not least one they aren't sure about.
I went at 17, I was rejected from my top choice and took an offer I wasn't sure about but felt I had to choose somewhere. After half a year I remember breaking down in tears at the thought of going back. I finished out the year then dropped out. I spent a year working and travelling snd went back to do a totally different subject, after a year transferring to one of the top universities in the field (which I laugh at now, as my experience there was mediocre). Anyway my point is let him go local. Sure Birmingham may turn out to be a great choice, but who's to say UAE won't be too?

Original poster
mrsconradfisher · 18/08/2023 16:54

mondaytosunday · 18/08/2023 16:49

He's what, 18? Some kids are just not ready to go away to university, not least one they aren't sure about.
I went at 17, I was rejected from my top choice and took an offer I wasn't sure about but felt I had to choose somewhere. After half a year I remember breaking down in tears at the thought of going back. I finished out the year then dropped out. I spent a year working and travelling snd went back to do a totally different subject, after a year transferring to one of the top universities in the field (which I laugh at now, as my experience there was mediocre). Anyway my point is let him go local. Sure Birmingham may turn out to be a great choice, but who's to say UAE won't be too?

Thank you, yes 18. Very mature in lots of ways but very naive/young in others.

It’s a huge decision at 18 especially after Covid as they‘ve not had the same experiences over the last few years. He is just terrified of making the wrong one.

OP posts:
DinkyDaisy · 18/08/2023 16:59

Maybe local for undergraduate and then away for masters.
Does he definitely want to go to university this year?

Original poster
mrsconradfisher · 18/08/2023 17:06

DinkyDaisy · 18/08/2023 16:59

Maybe local for undergraduate and then away for masters.
Does he definitely want to go to university this year?

Yes he definitely wants to go. I think he has had the rug pulled out from under him as he was always convinced he’d end up in Loughborough and is now questioning everything. The year abroad at UEA appeals to him, I think a year or 2 here would make a world of difference to his confidence.

OP posts:
DinkyDaisy · 18/08/2023 17:11

My ds liked both Bath and Surrey partly because of year abroad /placement options. He is taking a year out to earn a bit of money and starting Bath next September.
UEA does seem to be ticking a lot of boxes for your son.
Once he has made a decision he can invest positive thought into it and hopefully relax a bit.

SportsAndExerciseMedicineDoc · 18/08/2023 17:29

mrsconradfisher · 18/08/2023 16:08

Thank you, I take it from your user name you are a bit of an expert?

Birmingham is amazing and I can totally see that on paper it’s the best course for him but he’s really worried he’s going to get there and just crumble. The course at UEA is very different but perhaps more him. He is concerned that the opportunities are less at UEA however they do offer a placement and a Year Abroad. Birmingham don’t do placement years which is why he was dithering over it in the first place.

Ultimately he wants to do a Masters, I’m not sure he’d be able to do a masters in Sports Science without an actual pure sports science degree?

Show quote history

An expert in some aspects of the subject, but my degree was not in Sports Science. I work with teams that include Sports Science graduates.

Without knowing your son, it’s really hard to give a strong opinion either way on what’s best. Many 18 years olds struggle with the idea of moving away for the first time (went through this with our eldest last year).

How has he adapted to new places/circumstances in the past? e.g. weeks away. I guess it’s ultimately a judgement call on whether his immediate emotions are likely to persist - we’d need to know him to answer that.

I seem to be in the minority on this topic, but I just wonder about the opportunity cost of making the easier choice now compared to where he might want to be in the future. A course he wants to do at a Uni highly ranked in the subject with the opportunity to learn, build confidence and grow away from home. I am aware that there is a downside if it all goes wrong - it’s just the coming decade of life for him is a smallish window to really experiment.

Original poster
mrsconradfisher · 18/08/2023 17:45

SportsAndExerciseMedicineDoc · 18/08/2023 17:29

An expert in some aspects of the subject, but my degree was not in Sports Science. I work with teams that include Sports Science graduates.

Without knowing your son, it’s really hard to give a strong opinion either way on what’s best. Many 18 years olds struggle with the idea of moving away for the first time (went through this with our eldest last year).

How has he adapted to new places/circumstances in the past? e.g. weeks away. I guess it’s ultimately a judgement call on whether his immediate emotions are likely to persist - we’d need to know him to answer that.

I seem to be in the minority on this topic, but I just wonder about the opportunity cost of making the easier choice now compared to where he might want to be in the future. A course he wants to do at a Uni highly ranked in the subject with the opportunity to learn, build confidence and grow away from home. I am aware that there is a downside if it all goes wrong - it’s just the coming decade of life for him is a smallish window to really experiment.

Show quote history

Thank you. He’s fine with being away etc and in lots of ways is super independent. He is just having a massive wobble about it all to the extent that he has lost all excitement about it. None of his friends are going to Uni, his long term girlfriend has a full time job here and I think he is scared tbh.

It hasn’t helped that Birmingham wasn’t where he wanted to go anyway (for many reasons) so to him I suppose it feels like making lots of sacrifices to go somewhere that wasn’t his first choice anyway.

Nobody warns you about this bit of parenting do they?

OP posts:
clary · 18/08/2023 21:27

Hi OP, I've read your threads before. Quite a bit to unpick and not long to do it. So please take what I write here kindly as it is meant to be supportive and positive.

Firstly, I guess he needs to mourn the loss of his BSc at Lboro - it's not going to happen but that's OK. Most of us have had disappointments when things we wanted have moved forever out of our reach. So sorry if that sounds harsh but at least he is not in limbo for a year, reapplying and hoping and waiting. Equally tho it's OK to grieve for what he has lost (if that doesn't sound too dramatic). I asked DD who emphatically did not get the grades for Warwick four years ago and she says yes, she was really sad, and still feels that she missed something.

Next thing: RG. IMHO there is a lot too much weight put on RG here (not so much IRL tho). It's not the be-all and end-all. And in fact right now I think you might as well disregard it. DD (again!) ended up at non-RG Leicester and got an amazing degree and in many ways had a much better experience than if she had gone to her first choice.

Finally - "the best course" - hmmm I am deffo not sure that this is a thing. Most students I know (of) end up at xyz uni (first choice/insurance/clearing/where they could get in/where they had dreamed of) and actually are fine. If you're gonna like it, you will get on and enjoy it - at Bristol, Brunel or Brighton. If not, then not. Mate of DS's got in to Lboro (not sports science!) and hated it, left after about five weeks. Reapplied, Brum (funnily enough) - much bigger city, better opportunities for things to do, yadda yadda. How's he doing? Well DS says he will probably finish the course but he is not really loving it. Maybe uni just is not for him.

So what should your DS do? I think he should not take a place on a course just because it is nearby and handy and offering him a spot. He applied for this at UEA before I think and really didn't want it? So does he actually want it now? Maybe he also doesn't want Brum? He could take a year, do lots of coaching/training and work to rack up some money, and reapply with his great grades, looking at some of the places you have said he never considered - Lancaster, Sheff Hallam, Swansea? B in PE is no issue - I know plenty of people who have done SS with a B in PE and been successful.

By the way, he can still do this even if he sticks with Brum or accepts UEA for the moment. 4pm tomorrow to decide between them, but at least four weeks or more before he goes to either, and in that time he can back out and rethink.

I would ask him to take out the extraneous factors - girlfriend, commute, money-saving - and look at the course, the structure, the sporting offer. Can he see himself committing to either seriously for three years?

BTW (sorry long post!) I know it is controversial, but I am not sure that a year abroad is such a wonderful idea in general. I did one as part of a joint hons course and when I came back, I knew no one on the non-MFL half of my course. Unless everyone does a year abroad, I would think carefully about that. It sounds like a great opportunity but it was tough tough tough and very lonely for me. Just personal experience there for sure tho. And I guess with so much vastly improved comms it would be better now.

Original poster
mrsconradfisher · 18/08/2023 22:01

clary · 18/08/2023 21:27

Hi OP, I've read your threads before. Quite a bit to unpick and not long to do it. So please take what I write here kindly as it is meant to be supportive and positive.

Firstly, I guess he needs to mourn the loss of his BSc at Lboro - it's not going to happen but that's OK. Most of us have had disappointments when things we wanted have moved forever out of our reach. So sorry if that sounds harsh but at least he is not in limbo for a year, reapplying and hoping and waiting. Equally tho it's OK to grieve for what he has lost (if that doesn't sound too dramatic). I asked DD who emphatically did not get the grades for Warwick four years ago and she says yes, she was really sad, and still feels that she missed something.

Next thing: RG. IMHO there is a lot too much weight put on RG here (not so much IRL tho). It's not the be-all and end-all. And in fact right now I think you might as well disregard it. DD (again!) ended up at non-RG Leicester and got an amazing degree and in many ways had a much better experience than if she had gone to her first choice.

Finally - "the best course" - hmmm I am deffo not sure that this is a thing. Most students I know (of) end up at xyz uni (first choice/insurance/clearing/where they could get in/where they had dreamed of) and actually are fine. If you're gonna like it, you will get on and enjoy it - at Bristol, Brunel or Brighton. If not, then not. Mate of DS's got in to Lboro (not sports science!) and hated it, left after about five weeks. Reapplied, Brum (funnily enough) - much bigger city, better opportunities for things to do, yadda yadda. How's he doing? Well DS says he will probably finish the course but he is not really loving it. Maybe uni just is not for him.

So what should your DS do? I think he should not take a place on a course just because it is nearby and handy and offering him a spot. He applied for this at UEA before I think and really didn't want it? So does he actually want it now? Maybe he also doesn't want Brum? He could take a year, do lots of coaching/training and work to rack up some money, and reapply with his great grades, looking at some of the places you have said he never considered - Lancaster, Sheff Hallam, Swansea? B in PE is no issue - I know plenty of people who have done SS with a B in PE and been successful.

By the way, he can still do this even if he sticks with Brum or accepts UEA for the moment. 4pm tomorrow to decide between them, but at least four weeks or more before he goes to either, and in that time he can back out and rethink.

I would ask him to take out the extraneous factors - girlfriend, commute, money-saving - and look at the course, the structure, the sporting offer. Can he see himself committing to either seriously for three years?

BTW (sorry long post!) I know it is controversial, but I am not sure that a year abroad is such a wonderful idea in general. I did one as part of a joint hons course and when I came back, I knew no one on the non-MFL half of my course. Unless everyone does a year abroad, I would think carefully about that. It sounds like a great opportunity but it was tough tough tough and very lonely for me. Just personal experience there for sure tho. And I guess with so much vastly improved comms it would be better now.

Clary I completely agree.

He has a complete fear of failure and doing the wrong thing which is exercerbated by us having to fund his accommodation (due to minimum loan).He is worried that he will get to Birmingham, fall apart and then waste all the money.

I think a gap year would be best at this point and then try applying again with grades in hand. But he won’t consider it, again as he feels like he has failed if he doesn’t go now.

UEA course is more people focused than science focused which isn’t him but the Uni is far more him than Birmingham.

I’ve also suggested a joint honours at Loughborough, SS and Geography which is in Clearing but it’s heavily Geography and not much SS it seems.

His insurance was Surrey which he loved. Loved the course, the Uni and the tutors. Plus it’s closer to us which I think would help him. But he won’t consider it.

Everything I say at the moment is wrong so I feel like I just need him to get on with it. He does need to mourn Loughborough I agree.

At this point I just need him to make a decision and stick to it as this is really stressing me out.

OP posts:
DinkyDaisy · 18/08/2023 22:26

Is it because Surrey a lower grade offer than what he has got?
As you know my ds was also impressed by Surrey for politics and had it as his Insurance choice.
Although he decided on Bath I think I will always think fondly of Surrey. He was enthused by them. The city of Bath turned ds head and after Surrey being a firm favourite went for pretty Bath.
For your ds maybe a year out to think not a bad plan. He has good grades to apply with for loads of places.

Original poster
mrsconradfisher · 18/08/2023 22:36

DinkyDaisy · 18/08/2023 22:26

Is it because Surrey a lower grade offer than what he has got?
As you know my ds was also impressed by Surrey for politics and had it as his Insurance choice.
Although he decided on Bath I think I will always think fondly of Surrey. He was enthused by them. The city of Bath turned ds head and after Surrey being a firm favourite went for pretty Bath.
For your ds maybe a year out to think not a bad plan. He has good grades to apply with for loads of places.

Yes that’s exactly his issue, it makes no sense to me either.

Its the one place where I could really see him at. But there is no reasoning with him at the moment.

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 18/08/2023 23:12

@mrsconradfisher When you first posted, you both really liked Surrey. I’m beginning to think your DS needs to make his decision and stick by it. I’m assuming he put Birmingham first and Surrey as insurance? So why make these choices if he doesn’t really want to go? You have had such a long process looking at alternatives that he (and you) weighed up and then wanted, but I don’t recall uea being given much thought. Courses in clearing are there for a reason but he’s got many reasons not to go away at all. Nice home, girlfriend, football and mates who are not going anywhere. So he’s not bothered about anywhere except home and Loughborough is never going to be available for undergrad. For sports science, does it really matter? Maybe his home life matters more?

Previously you always maintained Brum was poor as it had no links with professional sport. Now he’s put it first but doesn’t want to go! Not really surprised I have to say. Who exactly was keen on It? You or him? Or neither really? Maybe you both you looked at rankings and RG so thought it was best? In the cold light of day, perhaps he’s actually now being honest? He doesn’t want to go.

Do sports scientists need RG? Loughborough isn’t. So I would stop procrastinating and tell him to decide and you will back that decision. Also you are letting him keep all his loan for food snd fun. That’s pretty generous. However he must surely know many other parents pay. He’s not unique is getting parental money.

To sum up. Just let him decide and live with the decision. Deciding about life is part of life.

As an aside. @clary My DD did MFL and had plenty of friends in 4th year. Integrated masters students still around!

Original poster
mrsconradfisher · 18/08/2023 23:40

He put Birmingham first as he had no other choices apart from Surrey which had lower grade requirements so it didn’t make sense to put it first.

With regard to us paying, it’s no different from other parents giving money each month, it’s just done in one lump sum. That’s why he is worried about going and falling apart.
Fully aware he needs to make a decision but tbh I’d rather he was unsure now than go and be unsure.

UEA was one of his choices but had discounted it as the course is different.

He liked Birmingham Uni itself but not the City. Nothing to do with me at all. We live in a tiny village in rural Norfolk, he is quite honestly fucking scared of going to Birmingham and being totally alone. He booked the accommodation this morning for Birmingham so is trying to go as he got this far.
Tbh I think he truly thought he’d get the grades needed for Loughborough and then he could try next year. Now that’s gone out of the window he is trying to make the right decision. He’s had an awful 2 years, the death of his friend plus my Mum died a few months ago (2 days before his mocks) so he is all over the place as am I. I don’t care where he goes as long as he is happy, it’s totally his decision not mine.

OP posts:
GlitteringFeeling · 18/08/2023 23:50

have you/he looked at the entrance requirements for Masters at Loughborough, and seen if the UEA course would close doors to those? I.e. science-y enough. He may ultimately not end up wanting to do a Masters, but perhaps would help weigh up if the UEA course really is a compromise on what he wants to do. Sounds like the Surrey option may be a safer bet in that regard.

It sounds like he’s always had reservations about Birmingham, and it doesn’t seem he would be heading off in the right headspace to in a few weeks.

Could you jump in the car / on the train tomorrow to visit Brum or Surrey to see how it feels? Sometimes being there in person now he knows one of them is his ‘reality’ (Loughborough dream sadly over for undergraduate study) might help sway his decision?

2weekstowait · 18/08/2023 23:58

Is he sure he wouldn’t be better off taking a year out? It just sounds as though he doesn’t really know exactly what he wants. Even if he likes uea as a uni, if the course isn’t what he wants to do then he might end up regretting it. But if he doesn’t really want to leave home then it could be the best solution. Depends if he wants the full ‘uni experience’ or not? You say he’s a homebody, so he might be worried about going away? Perhaps he doesn’t want to leave his girlfriend? I live on the doorstep of the uea and my kids are totally against going there for that reason!

I just think that it’s not worth starting on a course that he’s not 100 percent sure about. Plenty of students don’t go to university until 19 or later.

Swipe left for the next trending thread