Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Is anyone else guilty of feeling like this

144 replies

AmyWhiteshead · 04/01/2022 15:13

www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=7148929

(first post)
Came across this thread on The Student Room. This hit a bit differently. Basically DS has gotten offers from Glasgow and Cardiff (insurance) for Maths but he was aiming for Cambridge Warwick or Imperial. I know that these are all Russell Groups and good unis but it feels anticlimactic after a lot of late nights studying, anxiety and
sacrifice from mum and dad'.

This isn't a traditional is uni x good enough thread, I just feel conflicted about whether it's okay to have such high expectations of our child. I appreciate that the pandemic has made everything harder and more competitive but I am a bit disappointed.

OP posts:
Gosports · 09/01/2022 17:32

But the very fact they didn’t get into oxbridge suggests that a lower (not low, lower) ranking uni is in fact the best place for them, where they won’t be about of their depth and will thrive.

Gosports · 09/01/2022 17:33

Out, not about.

HewasH2O · 09/01/2022 18:01

To study humanities at Oxford you only need to get 3 x A. However, for many humanities courses only 9 - 10% of applicants get in. Many of those don't have a perfect academic record, but the tutors liked them at interview. Unfortunately some parents believe their DC are entitled to one of those places, without realising the huge amount of competition their DC face beyond their immediate social bubble.

Surely you realise that in many parts of the country, outside of London, parents may have a "choice" between a school where less than 30% get 5 GCSEs at grade 5 or above as their catchment school or a school where less than 45% do as their alternative if they are lucky enough to be offered a place & can physically get their child there. Those DC may still be academic, driven and ambitious, but they know that they need to apply to Scumbag University to hedge their bets, just in case.

goodbyestranger · 09/01/2022 18:51

Wow Scumbag Uni is a bit heavy HwH20.

Completely agree about the entitlement of parents who have invested in an eye wateringly expensive education who go on to be crushed by their DC's rejection from Oxbridge (and then become quite nasty about it, esp on MN :)).

But Scumbag Uni? Really? Out of interest, what was the lowest ranked uni that your own DD applied to?

There are some quite unpleasant comments on this thread about OP's DC. I recognise one pretty low comment being made by the parent of an Etonian if I'm not wrong. Parents at top indies are a group I'm thrilled I only ever needed to observe (with horror, often), not be part of. I don't think I would have behaved very well in their midst.

HewasH2O · 09/01/2022 19:07

17/20/22 I believe Goodbye. No. 12/13/13 rejected her though. I think DH would have quite liked her to follow in Rik Mayall & Ade Edmundson's footsteps though, especially if she had the chance to meet Bambi!

goodbyestranger · 09/01/2022 19:18

Oh dear huge apologies - missed the reference! My bad completely.

HewasH2O · 09/01/2022 19:26

It's soooo old now, but still a classic. I don't imagine that Paxman would have had the same appeal as Bambi.

sheroku · 09/01/2022 19:55

If what you care about is prestige and making money then your son should just teach himself to code while he's at uni and go get a job in tech. I run a tech company and I couldn't give a toss what uni someone went to. All I care about is how skilled and motivated they are and you don't learn that shit at uni.

I am (sort of) joking but in all seriousness, your uni doesn't define where you end up in life. I feel so sorry for the young people of today having all of this pressure piled on them. I hope your son has the time of his life at university, figures out what makes him truly happy and finds the confidence to pursue it.

goodbyestranger · 09/01/2022 20:00

sheroku in the independent school sector I would bet my bottom dollar that pressure is more likely to be imposed - primarily by parents - than self imposed.

SandyBayley · 09/01/2022 20:09

It totally varies @goodbyestranger - all 3 of my DC have chosen / are choosing their own universities. Very little influence from their parents and not much from school. I did try and influence them and they did the opposite of what I suggested.

goodbyestranger · 09/01/2022 20:27

You tried to dissuade them from Oxbridge Sandy? Given that almost all of the cohort at their school apply and half the cohort gets in? Forgive my scepticism! Also, from these threads, you're clearly pleased with the Oxbridge outcome which also suggests you weren't opposed at the outset.

SandyBayley · 09/01/2022 20:35

I tried to send both DS1 and DD to the other place! And they selected their other choices with no regard to my views.

SandyBayley · 09/01/2022 20:37

TBH I'm quite pleased they do their own thing. They do listen but make their own minds up. Which is exactly as it should be.

goodbyestranger · 09/01/2022 20:43

Also, I might just add that given that the last HT at your DCs' school was well known for asking a pupil why they were not applying to Oxbridge (if they showed signs of independent thinking), it would take an extraordinary parent to challenge that ethos. Are you that extraordinary? Having spent all that money?

PotatoPie888 · 09/01/2022 20:46

I’m confused. Which are the RG universities considered less prestigious? Where is the line drawn?

goodbyestranger · 09/01/2022 20:47

Sorry, crossed posts Sandy. With the greatest respect the difference between Cambridge and Oxford is slight. I'd tend to rate my chances for drop offs as better on the M40 rather than the M11 but other than that.... Hardly dissuading them from their general direction of travel to top uni though, to be fair. Given that both were/ are highly likely to get in, the other choices are/ were pretty by the way.

goodbyestranger · 09/01/2022 20:52

I'm not sure if I'm more or less liberal even than you Sandy. I think I might have pointed out a couple of times that Cambridge was a much longer drive from home, and followed that up by way of self-interested persuasion by saying Cambridge gets very cold/ wind from the Urals etc, but they were fairly idle comments...

SandyBayley · 09/01/2022 21:04

Me and DH didn't pay for our children education with a view to them going to any particular university @goodbyestranger . Our primary motivation was that they enjoyed the experience and made the most of their talents. I think on these threads there is a tendency to assume that all parents who pay for schooling go into expecting a 'pay off'. We genuinely did not.

I hated my school with a passion and just wanted my DC to enjoy their schooling. They have all loved it and been happy, exactly what I wanted. And being happy seems to have meant they've done well.

goodbyestranger · 09/01/2022 21:10

You chose a very high profile school for a happiness factor Sandy! I completely concur about that being critical, but the school is famous for the ambitious nature of its parental body, so it seems an interesting choice for laid back happiness-is-everything parents. All credit, the vasy majority of parents sound exhausting.

goodbyestranger · 09/01/2022 21:11
  • vast
SandyBayley · 09/01/2022 21:20

We live very close to the school (walking distance)! It's as simple as that. Didn't move to be near and didn't apply anywhere else. Maybe we're not what you might expect but there are plenty of parents like us.

TizerorFizz · 09/01/2022 21:21

Going back to the OP, might the issue not be the STEP/MAT results? Are these not submitted to Warwick, Imperial and Cambridge? Choosing all 3 seems a bit OTT but if he’s happy with Glasgow snd Cardiff, that’s fine isn’t it? There’s no reason to think he won’t have a decent career if he can pass further selection tests!!

Chatwin · 09/01/2022 21:26

Not read the full thread but OP you sound as if getting your DS in to the 'right' University is all about impressing your own peers and not what is the right fit for him.

I was privately educated and messed up my exams. Fortunately I was able to resit (Scotland) and got a conditional offer for the university of my choice. While my DP didn't influence or guide my university or career choices, it was made clear that I had let them down in terms of money spent on my expensive education, and choosing a career path which wasn't as prestigious or profitable as my siblings. That disappointment carried on for a long time.

As your DS reaches adulthood you cannot determine his life path or choices and he will only resent you if you do. I hope you haven't communicated any of this disappointment to him as it will likely severely damage your relationship with him.

TizerorFizz · 09/01/2022 21:27

@PotatoPie888
You need to look at the league tables for the most academic subject to see which universities are constantly in the top 15. These won’t necessarily be all RG because a few others will be there but there is an elite RG order that’s pretty well documented. For maths the most prestigious pre test and Oxbridge interviews.

PotatoPie888 · 09/01/2022 21:30

@TizerorFizz thanks. I have no idea when it comes to stem subjects except that Oxbridge, imperial, Warwick etc are desirable. As for the rest, not a clue.