Oxford / Cambridge - current students support / chat thread

[DadDadDad]

Continuing a thread for anyone who wants to talk about their sons' and daughters' experience being a student in Oxford or Cambridge. (Or nephews, granddaughters, sisters, uncles - or if you or they have now graduated but you want to share your thoughts - all are welcome!)

I have a DS in his second year at Oxford, studying a small humanity in a tiny college.

Over to you...

@Cliff1975, I'm so sorry to hear what's been happening with your DS. The fact that he's lied to you suggests strongly that he's very worried, upset and ashamed at not coping and I agree with others that say dial down your natural anger. He needs all the sympathy and understanding you can give him right now.

Cambridge may not be the best fit for him, even if he's obviously clever enough because the relentless workload is really different from other universities. Somewhere else, he might have only one essay/ piece of work a term rather than 1 to 2 per week and then be able to manage (I can't actually remember if he's arts and humanities and has essays?).

The most important thing is not whether or not he stays at Cambridge, takes time out and returns or takes the rest of this year off and goes somewhere else (I think Cambridge will help with the process of going somewhere else if this is best for him). The most important thing is that he still feels you're on his side no matter what and you completely understand and accept that he's struggled and then felt too afraid not to lie about this. He needs to know, feel and believe that whatever happens next, you'll always back him and never let him feel ashamed if Cambridge just didn't work out for him.

Meanwhile, you probably need to deal with your own feelings about what's happened, somewhere out of earshot from him. He just needs to feel your love. Ultimately, it really doesn't matter if he completes his degree at Cambridge or anywhere else. What matters most is his self-esteem. He and you already know he's got the brains to do well but he needs to figure out the best way of harnessing his intellect so he can achieve any goals he wants. If he has ADHD, he'll find it massively difficult to manage multi-tasking the Cambridge workload.

I guess the starting point is to focus on the fact that he did submit two essays this term. That's great. How did he do this? What helped? What's gone wrong and how? How can you help him to feel he doesn't need to lie to you?

Very good luck with your Zoom session with his tutor. The fact that he didn't go to the meeting with his DOS and senior tutor last week strongly suggests he's just too afraid even if, superficially, this might come across as not caring or bravado. I'm so sorry once again that this is happening.

Thank you all for your messages and support. I know he is ashamed and that is why he is missing meetings. He is such a polite well spoken boy and so finds it difficult to talk about anything difficult with tutors.

Cliff, friends of ours only found out by accident that their son hadn't been attending university at all for his second year. He had dropped out, moved out, and been too afraid to tell them.

@Cliff1975

Many of you might remember me from the summer term. DS is at a C college and lasyt year he struggled with the workload. He only progressed to he second year due to Covid and automatic progression. This term seemed to be better, he has been telling us when he submits work. It has all been lies and he is in a mess. He has only submitted 2 essays all term. We are worried, angry, devastated. He should have had a meeting with his DOS and senior tutor last week but he didnt go. We have a meeting tomorrow with his tutor over zoom. I will be completely honest with her. He has registered for university counselling and has seen the nurse. There has been talk of ADHD. We are thinking of asking if he can intermit. Any eperience of this? Any advice gratefully received. The effect on the whole family is huge.

My heart goes out to him. Poor boy. He has had SO much to contend with - that first year during lockdown was hellish for a lot of students. My non-Oxbridge son developed depression and an eating disorder. Not like him at all.

PPs have given lots of kind and loving advice about supporting him and accepting him for who he is. His mental health is worth more than anything else - way more than a Cambridge degree. That is non-negotiable and he needs to be reassured of this.

He also needs reassurance that struggling doesn't mean losing everything. I know a girl who broke down in her second year, took a year out and returned last year to get a first. He might need time out to rest and reset, then decide how to proceed: return to Cambridge or take a new direction.

It was years ago, and I did have undiagnosed ADD, which never got treated at the time, but I also struggled at one point and thought it wasn't the place for me. I took a year out, then returned and got a good 2.1. Now, decades later, I look back and don't judge that lapse at all. I had a superb year out, doing what I loved most in the world, and it took away my restlessness in time to settle down to hard work for finals. It was win-win. I came out with a good degree, some great work experience and vocational training from my year out and much better mental health.

At that age it is so easy to think there is only one path in life. There are many. And the right one at any time is the one where you thrive in mind and body, regardless of social expectations.

@Cliff1975, one of my DC had similar struggles a few years ago, and the first I heard of it was when he admitted he hadn't sat any of his end of year exams. Prior to this he'd been getting firsts in essays and consistently being told his work was of a very high standard. I won't go into any other details, but it was a huge shock to everybody, and so hard to understand when you've had years of seeing your child fly academically. But at the end of the day pps are right - fundamentally, the only thing that matters is your child and your family unit. I hope you find a solution that works for your DS.

Lots of wisdom and affection from pp’s @Cliff1975, echo’d by me. I’ve posted before about my DS’s similar issues. It has taken me years to stop feeling ashamed ( not about the “failure”, but about the lies); shame being so very public. I have recently found being open about it has allowed me to come to terms with the reality of DS’s issues and led to a surprising amount of “ my DC too” conversations from unexpected quarters. And being worried and angry and wondering what on earth you have done is of course normal and needs processing. Sending my best wishes x

On a different note, was anyone else in Oxford yesterday as the snow fell over Radcliffe Square? It was magical.

We went to see DS sing in his college choir carol service while snow gently fell outside. It was spellbindingly beautiful, and the choir who had been separated into year groups and not sung together at all last year were spectacular.

Cliff so sorry to hear that things are still difficult for your ds. The pressure immense especially when everyone around is so proud of their be achievement. DD has had a rocky term and just by telling her that it is not the end of the world if she dropped out / took a year out / did whatever she wanted to it took the pressure off. She came home for a week to reset and is getting support from her college (academic and Pastoral). She has been able to resume knowing we all have her back and she has permission to fail. She can now reach high and if she falls nothing changes - she can learn from it and crack on.

Sorry my typing is dreadful .... Hopefully you get the drift.

I am so sorry that your lad is having such an awful time of it @Cliff1975. I've nothing to add to the advice already given but send best wishes for a resolution to his current situation.

Lunar I'm going up on Sunday to see the lights in the garden at Blenheim, so I hope there won't be any snow as I'm driving. The tree is up in DD's college chapel and I hope I can go in for a look around on Monday. We missed so much Christmas magic last year.

@HewasH2O lights at Blenheim sound beautiful. Hope you have a safe journey up.

@Cliff1975 I'm so sorry to hear this. Echoing what others have said, the most important thing is for your DS to feel supported by you and to feel he has options. My DS was struggling earlier this term and talked about leaving. He recognised that the stress was affecting his mental health. DH and I decided that, although we would be desperately disappointed if he chose that route, it was important not to share that with him at that time. We told him that the most important thing was for him to be happy and we would support whatever he chose. But we asked that if he decided uni wasn't for him, to at least make sure he explored all options ie talking with tutors, welfare etc. Sending you lots of virtual hugs

Question re Oxford accommodation for second year. Does anyone know when freshers have to make choices about second year accommodation? DC is at Jesus College. Do they actually have any choices about where they live or friends they share with?
Lots of friends' DCs at other unis are signing up for leases already, but I'm hoping DC doesn't have to sort anything just yet.

for you @Cliff1975 sorry to hear of your ds struggles. Nothing to add except best wishes.

spots it is a college by college decision. DD knew that living out at her college is the exception. The room ballot wasn't until half way through the last term.

Is anyone else really giddy about the babies coming back for Christmas? This week is dragging so badly

@spotsonmybot - as unescorted says it's on a college by college basis and by ballot. I think DS's college do it early next term and it's organised by the JCR. If you can bear to go on WIWIKAU there are a couple of very active Jesus mums who can give you up to date information.

I had DS1 back overnight last weekend so had a taster. He'd lost weight and looked thin. He was an absolute delight but I'm wondering if when he's home for more than 24 hours the delight will wear off.

Not picking him up until next Tuesday. He wanted some extra days of fun next weekend before coming home.

I did find out that his college organised a 'refreshers' formal for the 2nd years last week. The 2nd years had to remind the college that they hadn't had a freshers formal and they deserved one!

Update: we met via zoom with my DS and his pastoral tutor last nigt and she was great. We all feel much better now. She acknowledged that he has been working very hard this term but that he needs support to manage deadlines and produce the essays at the end of each week. That acknowledgement was hugely helpful to him. We made some agreements about work he needs to do over christmas but also about how this will be managed so that he feels supported but not nagged all the time and so that he can also enjoy Christmas and have a much needed break. He has contacted the GP and the university counselling service and will access study support next term. We have a long road ahead but we are on the right path I think.

That all sounds very hopeful Cliff - so glad.

@Cliff1975 - that sounds very encouraging. I'm impressed by the support being offered.

@Cliff1975 that sounds very promising. Good to hear the college is being supportive and recognising the hard work he has done despite missing deadlines. Best of luck to him.

That's good news Cliff. Vent any frustrations on us over the next few weeks.

@Cliff1975 So relieved for you and your DS that the meeting felt positive and supportive; all the very best to you. Keeping everything crossed that things improve for him from this point.

Mini SB has just got an Oxford medicine interview 😊