Dd wants to take a year out but expects to land herself the ideal job…

[Lovemusic33]

Dd is in her final year of A levels, she’s alway been a high achiever and is expected to get A,A,B in her final exams. Over the past few months she has struggled a little, time off during lockdown and 2 weeks off last month with covid has put her behind a bit. Dd is also on the autistic spectrum and has some physical disabilities (dyspraxia and HMS), physically and mentally I don’t think she’s ready for uni. We have discussed options a lot and she has decided to defer uni for a year and to get some work experience, I support her fully with this but I do worry she won’t go back, I have mentioned a few places she could work for a year but she disagrees with all my suggestions saying “that’s not the area I want to work in”, the area she does want to work in is impossible to find work in because it’s mainly freelance (journalism) and she’s not done anything to push herself into gaining experience despite many people telling her too (with local papers etc…). Also we live rurally and she can’t drive, public transport isn’t great and she would be anxious using it. Dd dismisses any of my suggestions and seems to think the perfect gap year job will land in her lap.

I have asked Dd to consider going to our local uni, meaning she can live at home, get public transport to uni (or I could drive her occasionally), this would mean she can continue her education without being away from home. Dd isn’t happy about this suggestion as local uni is not a top uni (she wanted to go to Exeter after a gap year), she thinks people with low A level results go there 🤨.

I try not to get too involved with her choices, just gentle suggestions but in side I’m starting to feel a little fed up that nothing anyone suggests is good enough. I have a feeling she’s going to end up not going to uni and not finding work, she doesn’t seem to realise that everyone has to start at the bottom and sometimes we have to do jobs that we don’t really enjoy, just to get to where we want to go.

Am I expecting too much from her? I do feel for her, she does struggle with a lot of things and life hasn’t been easy for her so far. I just worry that like a lot of people on the spectrum she will end up with no job and turn into a recluse (she would happily just live in her room for the rest of her life with no social interaction).

I've no idea if it would be of interest to your DD, but my DD has ended up with a gap year job in a boarding school. It's turning out to be an excellent way for her to learn some of the "how to be an adult" skills (eg reading rental contracts and pay slips!) without the added pressure of adapting to university and keeping up at the same time. A couple of her friends are doing similar jobs. There's quite a lot of variation in what such schools use gap students for.

In DD's case it is overseas and she only got it because, when she enquired at the end of January, the organised students who'd applied and been accepted some time before were having to pull out as they weren't going to be able to travel there (dual citizenship has made the difference for DD and a couple of others). But there are potential placements in the UK also.

She's not interested in teaching as a career (and as it happens has a deferred place to study English). But she'll still have something useful to put on her CV and is I think learning all sorts of useful skills.

As it happens DD is also ASD, though without the added physical challenges your DD faces. I recognise the worry about mismatch amongst declared goals and interests, and lack of definitive career aspirations. But if studying English or something similarly general appeals to her, and it sounds likely she'll get into a good course, the first step really is to be able to engage with university study and achieve a good degree. Career steps can probably wait (though my DD was puzzled when I said I was assuming that she'd probably end up doing a masters degree in something down the track).

Feel free to PM me if you want to share worries directly!

I think you should step back and let her manage things herself, given her attitude. Tell her that's what you are doing - in a nice way. "Ok dd, you know your own mind, so do what you think is best. If you are planning to take a gap year and live at home you need to be either doing X hours of work or X course and organise driving lessons, as I won't be able to drive you about".

@GrasswillbeGreener

I've no idea if it would be of interest to your DD, but my DD has ended up with a gap year job in a boarding school. It's turning out to be an excellent way for her to learn some of the "how to be an adult" skills (eg reading rental contracts and pay slips!) without the added pressure of adapting to university and keeping up at the same time. A couple of her friends are doing similar jobs. There's quite a lot of variation in what such schools use gap students for.

In DD's case it is overseas and she only got it because, when she enquired at the end of January, the organised students who'd applied and been accepted some time before were having to pull out as they weren't going to be able to travel there (dual citizenship has made the difference for DD and a couple of others). But there are potential placements in the UK also.

She's not interested in teaching as a career (and as it happens has a deferred place to study English). But she'll still have something useful to put on her CV and is I think learning all sorts of useful skills.

As it happens DD is also ASD, though without the added physical challenges your DD faces. I recognise the worry about mismatch amongst declared goals and interests, and lack of definitive career aspirations. But if studying English or something similarly general appeals to her, and it sounds likely she'll get into a good course, the first step really is to be able to engage with university study and achieve a good degree. Career steps can probably wait (though my DD was puzzled when I said I was assuming that she'd probably end up doing a masters degree in something down the track).

Feel free to PM me if you want to share worries directly!

That sounds like something dd could do.

At the moment her school doesn’t seem to be offering much support other than applications to uni, dd has told them she wants to take a year out but no one has really offered her advice or talked about what she can do during a year out.

Bournemouth does offer a Foundation year in their Journalism and Communications department. It is rated well for creative and vocational degrees. Would she consider it as a back up?

@LIZS

Bournemouth does offer a Foundation year in their Journalism and Communications department. It is rated well for creative and vocational degrees. Would she consider it as a back up?

I will gently suggest it to her 🤣, it sounds ideal.

@clary

Unlike a pp I would advise a degree for journalism, ideally in journalism itself I am afraid, but certainly some kind of degree, as most candidates will have that and it will be asked for by employers.

If she is not sure about journalism then a specific degree in it is probably not such a good idea.

I would actually recommend an undergraduate degree in anything other than journalism. I can teach someone the skills they need to be a journalist in a matter of weeks but it would take me years to teach them how to speak Arabic or understand a scientific paper and put it into lay terms. Some undergraduate degrees (at well respected universities for postgraduate journalism) aren't even NCTJ accredited. If she has degree and in depth knowledge of the field she wants to work in plus a postgraduate degree in journalism (or gets a place on a graduate trainee scheme) or a lot of experience of student journalism with some freelance work, she would be in a stronger position than the many thousands of graduates with a BA in journalism. Does she know what type of journalism she is interested in?

There are a few fast track NCTJ accredited courses (a few months rather than a year). Perhaps she could consider taking one during her year off and then try to get work experience? She might need to take a part time job doing something else as well though.

www.nctj.com/journalism-qualifications/diploma-in-journalism/Accreditedcourses/course-search?region_id=&courseCentre=&courseType=&send=yes#coursesearch

There are 5 kids on our family - every one of us went to uni after high school - every one of us stopped our first uni degree and ended up completing something entirely different.
All did well, all happy - I think kids need to follow their hearts it might not be where they end up but they are likely to find what they want to do instead along the way.

@chesirecat99 I completely agree with you, but I was going from the number of adverts i see now which specify "a degree in journalism". Honestly I cannot imagine how you spend three years studying journalism - and even then end up apparently unable to spell or construct a basic sentence.

As an employer I would much rather take on someone with specialist knowledge and a decent portfolio showing they could write. But that doesn't seem to be the way of it sadly.

It's a lot easier btw to get on to a BA in journalism than it is to get on to a post-grad journalism course, or it used to be. Maybe that is easier now.

@CareerConcerns1999

I find it hard to discus anything with her because what ever I say is wrong, she looks down at me because I’m not as academic as she is, for this reason she thinks she knows better than me but I have life experience and she does not. I know she won’t be able to just walk into a good job, especially when she doesn’t even have the confidence to contact anyone

For this alone, I think you just need to step back. I'd say to her that if she doesnt apprenticeship or goes to uni/college, she will have to start paying rent. She can decide how she will fund that!

That's an empty threat. If she refuses to get a job, OP isn't going to throw her DD on the street, she knows that and DD knows that.

I don't think it's a lack of ideas that is the issue, it's that she doesn't listen to your advice or act on anything?
I agree, step back, let her make her own mistakes progress but do try to find an ultimatum or a milestone she must reach.
The driving could be a good lever.

I think a gap year is just what she needs. But given your location/ transport issue any job will have to be elsewhere, and live-in.
She may need to think of something like an au pair, mothers help, farm help, live in domestic help, ecology work. All of which are an opportunity to acquirer some transferable work, social, time management, practical skills. Very useful later to any student.

She's not going to get paid work as a journalist  but you could present  to her  that if she gets a job away from home,  she could  write a blog  about her gap year experience.  That would be  a communications  related skill (for journalism)  and something she could   show  to potential employers (or universities) in future.

Stop, mama!
Relinquish control and let her make mistakes. She will benefit.

I think the "degree in journalism" that most employers really want is a PgDip or MA, @clary. At least, for the best jobs.

I totally agree about the standard of journalism graduates. I recently helped a final year student (who went on to get a first at one of the best rated universities for journalism) who thought that "going to the local hospital to interview staff about COVID" 18 months into the pandemic would make a great news story No angle, no hook, she wasn't even suggesting she might stumble across a good story, her idea was just a vox pop about COVID, and that was the best idea from a long list of non-stories.

I do think I need to step back but it’s so hard. She has a the brain that I never had, I had to work so hard just to pass my GCSE’s and then specialised in a area gaining me skills to find work, I didn’t have the chance to go down the uni route or even A levels. For DD education has been really easy, up until now she hasn’t had to put much effort in at all as it just comes naturally to her, A levels have been a bit tougher and now she’s moaning because she’s actually got to try a bit harder but she will still get at least A,A,C (worst case scenario).

Despite being academic she lacks life skills and common sense, she has no life experience, is pretty lazy and lacks confidence. Having dyspraxia has made simple things like cooking, cleaning, exercising hard and she has a bone condition meaning she can’t stand for long or walk far, this makes a lot of jobs hard for her so she hasn’t been able to get a weekend job like her friends. Most jobs seem to be waitressing or jobs that involve being on your feet a lot or having good coordination. I do feel for her as she doesn’t have a huge choice of places she can work.

I have shown her the foundation course at Bournemouth uni, she’s going to have a closer look but she also moaned about needing to take a year out to get some work experience.

Do you know any journalists or journalism students? Maybe she'll respect their input as they know more than her about this topic.

My dc has a friend who wants to be a journalist too. She writes a blog with all kinds of content. In her case, music is a passion but gigs are super pricey so she writes album reviews using Spotify but also works on the multimedia and social media skills (video editing etc) as she realises that she's unlikely to immediately get the dream job. She also has some interviews as the eventual dream job would involve interviewing the artists and she'd like to be ready.

I know that she won't talk to you but is there someone she respects who might help her come up with a more realistic plan?

My dd is currently doing a gap year and her school didn't offer advice on what she should do. In her case she wanted a break from studying and to go to uni with a healthy bank balance. She works at a cafe (this doesn't tie in with her degree) and volunteers (this could be used as experience if she takes her degree to masters or beyond) She doesn't know anyone doing the Dream Job but the ambitious are doing unpaid work so that they might achieve it one day.

I know it's hard as a parent but this is a good age to make mistakes. If she wants to live away then she needs to spend the year learning how to do that whether it's using Google Maps to go somewhere unfamiliar or learn how to take public transport.

Offer advice, sure, but just let her make her own choices and mistakes now. She is an adult, or very nearly. She won't necessarily want to do what you think is best. That's not to say she is barking up the wrong tree, and in some areas she may be a good deal more informed than you are.

I am not sure that stepping back is the way to go. She needs to get some clarity around university entry requirements - AAC will not get her into Exeter so she needs to look at alternatives. Take her to an open day if you can. In the end if that is overwhelming then look at alternatives e.g. the great options near home - again visit, talk to staff let them explain where it can take her. From what you have said the job is trickier. Earlier I was going to say she needs work (any work) but as her choices will be limited I would focus on moving forward through study.

www.notgoingtouni.co.uk/

www.multiverse.io/en-GB?utm_term=multiverse&utm_campaign=B2B+%7C+BAU+-+Brand+-+Multiverse+%7C+SRCH+%7C+BOFU+%7C+UK+%7C+UK+%7C+AW1MU6C1080+%7C+Age+25%2B&utm_source=adwords&utm_medium=ppc&hsa_acc=3167436195&hsa_cam=14757229180&hsa_grp=127266318923&hsa_ad=548094741353&hsa_src=g&hsa_tgt=kwd-382820010122&hsa_kw=multiverse&hsa_mt=e&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_ver=3&gclid=Cj0KCQjwtrSLBhCLARIsACh6RmglU9PGEDLzfb3VA4H1RbamUYzEGYZ9hLGXv4Y2VEY4RWUgjT650RsaAphjEALw_wcB

Alternatives to university options here

I've messaged you @Lovemusic33

She should go to Exeter but ideally without a gap year. Might as well get on with it instead.

My dd is also 17. You can't seem to tell them anything at this age as they seem to know absolutely everything already!

I think that loosing that summer after year eleven when they should have been spreading their wings has stopped many of them growing up as much as they should have done. My dd is far less mature than I was at this age.

Isn't Exeter AAA for English?

I think it’s AAA or possibly AAB for Exeter, it’s her first choice but she knows she might not get a A in maths, more likely a B or at worst a C (she got a see in her end of year exams).

@Lovemusic33

I think it’s AAA or possibly AAB for Exeter, it’s her first choice but she knows she might not get a A in maths, more likely a B or at worst a C (she got a see in her end of year exams).

I am not sure AAB will get her into Exeter either. Is she doing an EPQ as they will offer dropped grade for EPQ.

Exeter offered my daughter AAA or AAB if she put it 1st choice.

@Badgerstmary

Exeter offered my daughter AAA or AAB if she put it 1st choice.

Thank you Badger, was that for English? She has put Exeter as her first choice but to defer a year. One of her A’s will be English, she’s regretting taking maths as that her B/C grade. She’s sitting her mocks this week so we shall see how she does, she seems to think the school has moved the goal posts with the scoring on maths papers which is why she got a C in her end of year exam, she said she should have got a B.