Dd wants to take a year out but expects to land herself the ideal job…

[Lovemusic33]

Dd is in her final year of A levels, she’s alway been a high achiever and is expected to get A,A,B in her final exams. Over the past few months she has struggled a little, time off during lockdown and 2 weeks off last month with covid has put her behind a bit. Dd is also on the autistic spectrum and has some physical disabilities (dyspraxia and HMS), physically and mentally I don’t think she’s ready for uni. We have discussed options a lot and she has decided to defer uni for a year and to get some work experience, I support her fully with this but I do worry she won’t go back, I have mentioned a few places she could work for a year but she disagrees with all my suggestions saying “that’s not the area I want to work in”, the area she does want to work in is impossible to find work in because it’s mainly freelance (journalism) and she’s not done anything to push herself into gaining experience despite many people telling her too (with local papers etc…). Also we live rurally and she can’t drive, public transport isn’t great and she would be anxious using it. Dd dismisses any of my suggestions and seems to think the perfect gap year job will land in her lap.

I have asked Dd to consider going to our local uni, meaning she can live at home, get public transport to uni (or I could drive her occasionally), this would mean she can continue her education without being away from home. Dd isn’t happy about this suggestion as local uni is not a top uni (she wanted to go to Exeter after a gap year), she thinks people with low A level results go there 🤨.

I try not to get too involved with her choices, just gentle suggestions but in side I’m starting to feel a little fed up that nothing anyone suggests is good enough. I have a feeling she’s going to end up not going to uni and not finding work, she doesn’t seem to realise that everyone has to start at the bottom and sometimes we have to do jobs that we don’t really enjoy, just to get to where we want to go.

Am I expecting too much from her? I do feel for her, she does struggle with a lot of things and life hasn’t been easy for her so far. I just worry that like a lot of people on the spectrum she will end up with no job and turn into a recluse (she would happily just live in her room for the rest of her life with no social interaction).

Tbh I agree with you. Even internships, paid or unpaid, are fiercely competitive. Dd took a gap year, very last minute, but did volunteering in library, local primary school, community health services before getting a tutoring job. Offer of paid work in a school disappeared as lockdown arrived. Some of this may be relevant longer term but most not, just building skills and confidence. Are there any college or online courses she could do to build experience?

Sorry if I’ve missed the point but what kind of journalism does she want to do, that won’t involve leaving the house or speaking to others?

If she doesn’t want to do relevant work experience I don’t think she really wants to be a journalist? Sounds more like an excuse for not doing anything at all - I don’t mean that as a criticism more that she’s trying to deal with her anxiety by pretending avoiding all this stuff is her choice.

I think its much better for students to live away from home for Uni. Especially since that's what your DD wants. But I can see your worry that she might not go at all. Could she not secure a place then defer it for a year.

Tbh I think the number one thing she needs to learn is that working is not a choice, it’s a necessity. You’re obviously quite protective of her and she sounds quite young for her age, but that probably also means you have leverage to try and make her achieve what she needs to achieve. For example, take driving lessons and work at least 2 days a week.

She is very stubborn, it is hard to find her work because of her mobility issues. She’s taking Maths, English lit and computing for A level, she wants to do English at uni but up until recently (last year) she wanted to do computer science. I don’t think she really knows what she wants to do. A friend (who lives on our road) has his own tech business and is potentially looking to employ people, this would be ideal as it’s local and something she should be able to do with her A levels but when I suggest her asking them for work she moans because it’s not the area she wants to work in.

I remember being her age and working in some truly awful jobs 🤣, there wasn’t much choice, I had to move out when I was 18 as my parents split, I had to take what ever work I could. I never expected to walk into my dream job at 18.

Does the local uni offer any 1-year courses? Something like access to journalism would be ideal. Has she got a place at Exeter that she can defer or is she counting on applying after A levels and getting in? I do agree that she should go to the best uni she can get into, not settle for the local one because it's an easier/safer option.

@FoxgloveSummers

Sorry if I’ve missed the point but what kind of journalism does she want to do, that won’t involve leaving the house or speaking to others?

If she doesn’t want to do relevant work experience I don’t think she really wants to be a journalist? Sounds more like an excuse for not doing anything at all - I don’t mean that as a criticism more that she’s trying to deal with her anxiety by pretending avoiding all this stuff is her choice.

That’s my point exactly. She has been told by several people that she needs to start writing and sending it to small local papers. She loves politics and current affairs but she lacks confidence. Her writing is really good and her teachers give her amazing feedback but she just doesn’t seem to have the confidence to take it any further out of school.

I find it hard to discus anything with her because what ever I say is wrong, she looks down at me because I’m not as academic as she is, for this reason she thinks she knows better than me but I have life experience and she does not. I know she won’t be able to just walk into a good job, especially when she doesn’t even have the confidence to contact anyone.

Depending on what course she wants to do and whether she is also doing an EPQ an AAB may not be good enough grades for Exeter. She may want to check that if her hear is set on there.

@TheOccupier

Does the local uni offer any 1-year courses? Something like access to journalism would be ideal. Has she got a place at Exeter that she can defer or is she counting on applying after A levels and getting in? I do agree that she should go to the best uni she can get into, not settle for the local one because it's an easier/safer option.

I will have a look at the one year course, it could be a possibility. She’s applying to Exeter at the moment, she missed the cut of date to apply to oxbridge but school have said she could apply after her exam results for 2023 (if she gets A,A,A). I am happy for her to take a year out, gaining some kind of work experience and life experience could help her secure a good uni place but her expectations for finding work are not very realistic. She could possibly do volunteer work (something I can suggest to her) and it doesn’t have to be full time work as she’s claiming PIP so has some money.

A friend (who lives on our road) has his own tech business and is potentially looking to employ people, this would be ideal as it’s local and something she should be able to do with her A levels but when I suggest her asking them for work she moans because it’s not the area she wants to work in.

It would not be ideal, because if she's being awkward as an unexperienced employee for someone you know it will cause real anxiety for you. You don't want the friendship impacted for the sake of a gap year job she doesn't particularly want, and equally she probably needs to experience the rigour of a competitive application process and a "real job" where no one will do her favours because they know her mum. It's as much about life experience as it is filling her CV/personal statement.

Friends have been in similar positions and gave an ultimatum- job or uni. That's it. A one year access course like a PP suggested could be a good stepping stone to uni. If she thinks working for a year is the way forward, try and get her to apply for things she IS interested in. Best case scenario she gets one of those, worst case she gets a few rejections and realises she may need to be more realistic and amend her plan.

I find it hard to discus anything with her because what ever I say is wrong, she looks down at me because I’m not as academic as she is, for this reason she thinks she knows better than me but I have life experience and she does not. I know she won’t be able to just walk into a good job, especially when she doesn’t even have the confidence to contact anyone

For this alone, I think you just need to step back. I'd say to her that if she doesnt apprenticeship or goes to uni/college, she will have to start paying rent. She can decide how she will fund that!

She could start a blog or offer to help with social media or communications with a local charity or community organisation. However there is a limit if she refuses to widen her experience.

I’m also trying to find her a driving instructor, she will only be able to drive a auto due to her dyspraxia and there are not many instructors locally. She has a mobility car which I drive, I need to look into wether she can learn to drive in the mobility car. Her learning to drive will make a huge difference to what jobs she can apply for.

My dd is the same age and we've had similar conversations about a possible gap year.

Have you thought about other volunteer projects rather than a formal internship? I've discussed things like Gold Arts Award or Citizen science type of projects, volunteering at local museums/CitizensAdvice etc My thinking is that it's less intimidating as a volunteer and also not a full on 9 - 5 (if she takes a gap year it'll be to re-take an A level and get better grades). None of these things are directly related to her subject but I think would be good for her personal development, maturity and just general life experience.

Hey! I'm a journalist and without a doubt interning, getting bylines on small / local publications is the best way in. If she's not motivated to do that right now she could try consistently blogging to build up a portfolio. Just make her aware that the people she's competing against for a journalism job will be on local papers, interning, making connections etc. though, so any managing editor is going to pick someone who's shown they've got drive and enthusiasm for the industry. Even pitching freelance (and it will be cold pitching to someone who has no idea of your abilities for a while when starting out), an editor is most likely going to pass on your idea if you don't have examples of previous work to back up you can put a readable feature together. They really don't have time to waste coaching someone to write a piece that's going to get clicks or sell copies, they want to instantly see you can do the job. If she's going to uni to study purely journalism, I'd also say maybe ditch that and go for an NCTJ diploma instead (in conjunction with building up experience/published pieces). If she's going to uni to study another subject, then great I'd very much advise getting a broad of an education as possible. I'm freelance too at the moment (and have an NCTJ diploma + creative degree related to communications and marketing) and it can be so bloody hard to manage cash flow as many outlets pay on publication (so you have no control if your piece gets pushed back for months, then you send an invoice, then can be another 40 days from issue date), set terrible rates, or don't pay up at all. I have to supplement my journalism with commercial copywriting to pay the bills. Happy to answer any questions!

It sounds as though you need to take a step back and let her discover what she needs to do and how she'll get things done. One 'wasted' year isn't a big deal at this stage, let her keep working on her A levels.

What is your local uni op? It’s hard to tell if on this one she’s correct or not. There are lower tier unis with much lower entrance requirements.

OP I am a comms professional and worked as a newspaper and magazine journalist for many years - would gladly give her some advice if it would be helpful.

I agree tho, if she wants to get into journalism, she needs to show that by getting some writing out there. A blog about something she is interested in, talk to a local paper and ask them if they will take film reviews, football match reports, gig previews or whatever it is she is keen on, launch a local online newsletter, anything to show what she can do. Then she can produce it for future job opportunities.

I’m also trying to find her a driving instructor.... She has a mobility car which I drive, I need to look into wether she can learn to drive in the mobility car.

I would suggest that these are things she should be doing for herself. With support, if necessary, but the initiative should come from her.

@Bluntness100

What is your local uni op? It’s hard to tell if on this one she’s correct or not. There are lower tier unis with much lower entrance requirements.

Local uni is Bournemouth, well I say local, it’s still a hour away but accessible through public transport and there’s a possibility we will be moving a bit closer in the next year. It is a smaller uni and not a top uni. She is applying for Exeter, Southampton, Cardif and Bournemouth (she was told to apply for 4 ). The only uni she has visited is Oxford and has missed the application date.

Unlike a pp I would advise a degree for journalism, ideally in journalism itself I am afraid, but certainly some kind of degree, as most candidates will have that and it will be asked for by employers.

If she is not sure about journalism then a specific degree in it is probably not such a good idea.

And thank you for those working in journalism, I will show her your posts, she’s more likely to listen to you than she is me (she talks to me like a lesser 🤣).

I feel bad telling her she has to work because currently I’m not working myself, I am a carer for her sister who is more severely autistic, I am studying at home myself trying to improve my own job prospects whilst juggling both DD’s.

She has applied to do a English lit degree (or that’s what she has told me), knowing dd she has gone against my advice and applied for a journalism degree.

Not Surrey?

If she’s like my autistic DP (all autistic people aren’t alike) talking at her won’t work. She needs to either :
a) Be allowed to fail
b) Be told what to do by someone in a position of authority. Like an actual journalist. Or uni advisor. Or similar.

She might also not have the drive to succeed. There are more good writers than there are paid journalist jobs (unlike say computer science) and the ones who make it hustle a lot.

Ultimately you have to impose rules on her (like needing to bring in money) and let her figure it out herself.