DD (an only) Off To Uni Tomorrow Heart Breaking But Hiding It Well

[girlie1]

The title sums it up. Our daughter is wonderful, inspite of the usual flash points over tidiness etc we are very close, have done alot together including some fantastic adventurous trips, and we love having her at home. She is also a bit vunerble having had anxiety issues in recent times and is less independent/experienced than many girls her age. However during her gap year -inspite of covid limitations - she has addressed her mental health issues and worked in several roles, growing alot in confidence and spreading her wings more socially. As well as the usual anxieties aboit her being a long way from home in the big wild world, we have some concerns about how she will cope with the practicalities of life (no catered accom at Sheffield uni) / bus rides each day to lectures etc and the almost 200 mile distance from home should she need us. However, we recognise at 19 it's her time to do this, and having both been to uni ourselves we are proud she got into her top choice and feel excited for her.
However as it gets closer I feel a real sense of dread. I went to boarding school and uni in UK but my parents lived overseas and so I am used to separations. Whilst my head tells me to get on with it with all the logical conclusions.. my heart feels as if it is breaking. I know I must put on a brave face for her sake (and I will). But this feels alot worse than I imagined. Right now I wonder how I am going to be happy without her. Knowing others have been through it helps. Any advice gratefully accepted.

Oh gosh it stings doesn't it.

Remember that your happiness is not dependent on another person's presence, it is an internal thing.

Wave her off merrily, have a cry out of sight and earshot.

Moving forwards: keep yourself busy, distract and divert yourself with, I don't know, mastering moss stitch, learning how to write Quenya, perfecting your meringue nest piping technique.

You will be fine. Don't text her every day, a weekly light-touch contact will be fine.

Have a gentle arm squeeze from me.

girlie1 was just looking to see if there were any posts about this very thing.
We dropped off our eldest daughter yesterday. It's really hard, but I luckily still have youngest left at home. When anyone asks how it went yesterday I just well up

I am feeling very much at dropping dd off at university tomorrow. It’s hard.

Thank you all for the kind, wise words. FlibbertyGiblets haven't heard of moss stitch 😅 but have promised my daughter I will crochet her a blanket by Christmas (she taught herself from You Tube, taught me but gave up on me as I lack her sense of pererverence!). And secretfreckle hope your daughter is doing ok and making friends. Good luck for tomorrow Bagelsandbrie...It's v hard but helps to hear from others. I am being v positive infront of her but it hurts like hell and feels counter intuitive taking her so far from home. The house will be so empty. I also know from friends that having another one at home doesn't necessarily make it less hard. She's our ivf miracle, always was tiny until not that long ago but now taller than me!
Anyhow sending positive vibes to anyone else going through it.

Same here girlie1, we dropped our only off yesterday. There have been some very positive messages but I am still wondering what is going on all the time. I will try to follow FlibbertyGiblets' advice and stop texting. I think I'll write a letter like my mum used to when I was at college. Good luck! I know what you mean about knowing others are going through the same - I don't think I have posted before but have had 19 years of support on various issues here. Sorry Mumsnet for being a lurker but thanks!

Oh lovelies. Mine isn't going till next year and I'm.in a tizz already.

You've bought them up well and given them wings.

Ps lean on us old uns here, and share experiences with each other in the same boat.
I know some parts of MN are a bit erm, combative, so ignore any horrible posts you may come across.

Best wishes to all.

I work in the ‘other’ university in Sheffield, she will have a ball. There is so much support if she ever wants it, she just has to ask.

And the city is fantastic for students

My DD went last year. She is our ‘limited edition’ too. (I never use the phrase only one - too negative!)
The day before she went was the worst - the anticipation and loads of unknowns. On the day we went, lots to do, and we just got on with it, settled her in and came home. The next day I had half an hour of realisation that she wasn’t there with a few tears. Since then, all has been fine so please don’t worry too much. Texts are brilliant - you can keep in contact and reassure yourself that she is ok easily.
Good luck tomorrow. X

I dropped mine off today. Also feeling very odd. She’s hundreds of miles from us (although I’m staying the night in the city she’s in for tonight as it’s a loooooong drive home - dh had to work so I’ve done a solo trip).

She was very happy and excited when I left her which has helped but of course the first buzz of freedom is like that.

I’ll feel happier a few weeks down the line when I know she’s properly settled. Hopefully between her and her flatmates they will form one sort of reasonably functioning adult who can work the washing machine, register at the doctor’s, that sort of stuff!

Going to be very odd going home without her and walking past her empty room every day. Not looking forward to that at all It’s such an enormous, difficult step
in your parenting journey, I actually feel a bit traumatised but there’s barely any recognition out there of how difficult it is (apart from this thread!).

When my first went off to University, he was so matter of fact -
"Okay, thanks for the lift, bye!"
I was fine.
Second born - I shed a tear or two.
Third born - "See ya!",
and then hit M&S food hall on the way home and gloated all over Facebook about my fabulous fridge contents.

Oh I remember this sooo well from when my DD1 first went off to uni. That was in 2013, and I was in bits. She wasn't an only. I still had her two younger sisters at home but it was still very hard. I felt strange and sort of empty.

WhatsApp was our friend here. So much easier than the weekly letters and phone call I had with my parents when I was a student.

I held it together until after we had dropped DD off but was in floods of tears by the time we were back on the motorway going home. Fortunately DH was driving. I think I would have been a disaster otherwise.

Letting go is the hardest thing. We invest so much of ourselves in their upbringing and family life.

Uni terms are relatively short compared to school ones. It won't seem too long at all before she'll be asking to be picked up for Christmas.

Oh gosh, this is going to be me in a couple of years. She's 16 and just started A-levels, and she's like a little ray of sunshine in my day - so much fun and so much positive energy. I have a full life with an interesting job/voluntary work, a good dh, wonderful friends etc, but I'm going to be utterly bereft when dd goes. I love having her around and will miss her so much. At the same time, I'm so excited for her about the prospect of going out to explore the world.

Wave her off with a smile, OP, and be kind to yourself for the next few days. Definitely try to keep busy. She'll be home for Christmas before you know it!

We dropped DS1 off today at Uni of Nottingham. He facetimed several hours later to say he'd got friendly with four other lads and they were all out clubbing tonight.
Part of me so relieved, the other part won't sleep tonight.

@cptartapp

We dropped DS1 off today at Uni of Nottingham. He facetimed several hours later to say he'd got friendly with four other lads and they were all out clubbing tonight. Part of me so relieved, the other part won't sleep tonight.

Hope he has a good time. My dd is off to Nottingham tomorrow too….! I hope she settles in well.

Remember too that this is what chocolate, cake and wine were invented for. 😉

Have some handy for when you get home.

This will be me next year. DS was hard enough, but my frozen IVF miracle DD got me through. Her turn next and I am dreading it. They’re only on loan to us someone said to me today, but the missing is so tough.

I have a younger DD but dropped my eldest off last week. Was so difficult but yet so lovely all at the same time. Struggled for a couple of days but I'm not too bad now. Missing her of course but I'm so proud that I've brought her up as well as I can and she's now being an adult in the big city. It'll get easier. I joined Snapchat and Instagram so I get to see the photos she puts on her story - it's like an advent calendar showing little snapshots of her day.

Gosh so glad I posted today. Lots of us going through the same! Just love that term Limited Edition
123fushia..brilliant! Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. That's why I love MN ..I too sm a lurker..always someone who has felt the same and will take the time to reply 😍. The references to Sheffield are much appreciated and reassuring.. It does seem fab.. We visited after lockdown and stayed a couple of nights so she could get to know the city/uni environs a bit. She has a mentor lined up having made them aware of her issues and the support seems great. Plus she is in touch with all the others in the flat ..has been for ages and tonight they are all chatting about plans. So seems positive.
Wahooooooo I feel your pain. We are also staying over as such a long drive but am sure I will be lying awake wondering what she is up to. Covid has meant so much time together for all of us (and mine is a home bird anyway. )..so it makes it harder. Wine and chocolate def a good idea Topseyt! 😅.

And a friend is at Nottingham, about to start her 2nd year and abs loves it. My daughter was offered there (and would have been closer to home 🙄).. but Sheffield had stolen her heart.
Christmas isn't that far off for all of us! And we may visit after a few weeks for my bday if she has time to meet up. So..in the meantime ..
Going to be ramping up my volunteering/hammering the gym and yes writing letters is a lovely idea Auklet ..just as I did with my parents when at boarding school/uni. I have kept many of their letters and when my parents passed away we found so many of our letters had been kept by them. Very poignant but something lovely to look back on.
I will miss my ray of sunshine which describes her perfectly AlexaShutUp but nice to know there are those on here who went through the same and came out the other side. Lots of luck to all.

@Wahooooooo , the wiwikau group on FB is very active.

Mine is in second year. Right now, they are on a Zoom call to their younger sister. The two of them had dinner together, despite being 400 miles apart, and now they are watching a movie. The one that's away does work hard and have a social life, so sometimes we don't hear much for a few days. But technology definitely makes the separation less acute and it's fun to hear what's happening as they gradually learn to handle adult life. It's a hard moment in your lives, but also the start of a very important new phase and the strong relationship you have will still be there and stand you both in good stead.

I do also agree with those who recommend finding something fun to keep you busy and distracted while you adjust.

@girlie1 We are taking daughter to Sheffield today as well so might even bump into you! I am also feeling very sad but also very excited for her. The fact daughter feels ready to go to uni and live independently is a testament to your parenting. I think we just have to keep busy and Christmas is not so far away is it …. We’ll that’s what I am telling myself!
Sending a big hug.

Hi TheStirrer (great name)..see you on the road to Sheffield! Our daughter checks in at 3pm. It really is an odd feeling...but right now focusing on whether we will fit everything in the car! Good luck and big hug back.

To share my experience of going, speaking to my mum later.... My parents were expecting a lot more calls in the first week. They weren't sure when to call, I didn't answer if sleeping or socialising with new friends. It would have felt embarrassing to leave a group to speak to mummy!

If you don't hear much early on then please take it as a good sign. Arrange a time/day to talk if she doesn't call /answer.

There are options to move halls if she doesn't click with her new housemates. There will be lonely points, it's part of the experience for many (myself included, those years ago!).
It will be the making of her, good luck!

Just dropping our youngest off at Birmingham, DS2 went back to Norwich last weekend as he’s going into year 3. Our eldest went to uni 6 years ago and never really came home. From Monday only our daughter will be at home. I am feeling bereft. VIrtual hugs to everyone. I can tell you that it’s surprising how quick the Christmas holidays come round though. I’ve made sure I’ve got a busy week next week to get me through.