DD (an only) Off To Uni Tomorrow Heart Breaking But Hiding It Well

[girlie1]

The title sums it up. Our daughter is wonderful, inspite of the usual flash points over tidiness etc we are very close, have done alot together including some fantastic adventurous trips, and we love having her at home. She is also a bit vunerble having had anxiety issues in recent times and is less independent/experienced than many girls her age. However during her gap year -inspite of covid limitations - she has addressed her mental health issues and worked in several roles, growing alot in confidence and spreading her wings more socially. As well as the usual anxieties aboit her being a long way from home in the big wild world, we have some concerns about how she will cope with the practicalities of life (no catered accom at Sheffield uni) / bus rides each day to lectures etc and the almost 200 mile distance from home should she need us. However, we recognise at 19 it's her time to do this, and having both been to uni ourselves we are proud she got into her top choice and feel excited for her.
However as it gets closer I feel a real sense of dread. I went to boarding school and uni in UK but my parents lived overseas and so I am used to separations. Whilst my head tells me to get on with it with all the logical conclusions.. my heart feels as if it is breaking. I know I must put on a brave face for her sake (and I will). But this feels alot worse than I imagined. Right now I wonder how I am going to be happy without her. Knowing others have been through it helps. Any advice gratefully accepted.

Its true they are only on loan to us, but we make and investment for life and its impossible to turn that off. No one tells you how much your children are at the very core of your existence and nothing would ever remove them. But its hard to accept whilst they are at our core, we become less needed as time goes on. I guess thats evolution. But no one tells you how heart breaking it is.
So we plough on and get on with it and smile and be cheery. And always be there for them, desperate to see them but pretending you're cool with the whole thing.

Who'd be a mum, eh?!?

So true @ssd

I took dd last week to a uni 4 hrs away.

She's had a blast so far. WhatsApp has been fabulous, and she's sent lots of (mostly pointless) messages, voicenotes and vids (which generally raise more questions than they answer).

I deliberately made the dropping off quick and businesslike.
She was desperate to get busy in her bedroom anyway.*
The only thing I did (following advice from mn!) was to make her bed up for her. Then it didn't matter what the state of her room was, I knew she'd be able to go to bed.

The only thing I asked of her was to let me know the next morning that she'd got home safe as she'd planned to go out clubbing the first night.

We got several messages from her this week about things she realized she'd forgotten etc. Amazon has seen brisk business from the Rogue household this week (eg " my room is soooo hot". Fan ordered there and then).

I also wrote her a snail mail letter this week. Didn't say much, I kept it light and chatty and she was excited to get that in her mailbox/pigeonhole

*and had to park up for a while until my eyes were dry enough to see the road!

Thankyou Thack, all good sound advice.

I posted a similar thread last week. We dropped DD off at her Uni in Scotland (over 300 miles from home) just over a week ago now.

She settling in really well has made lots of friends and overall is having a great time.

Can I join? Dropped my only child off yesterday and feeling absolutely bereft. Miss her so much. Husband is helping but she's not his so he doesn't really get it. How often do you speak to them when they're away? Trying to leave her to it as much as I can but it's hard.

We dropped ds1 off on Friday.

So excited for him - I know he’ll have a great time. But I just feel sad. I think after 18 years of knowing where he was and what he was doing all the time, not knowing what he’s up to all the time is hard.

He’s not an only - but ds2 will be off to uni next year as he has the grades (Scotland) and ds3 not long after. Going from a mental noisy house to empty and quiet!

Mine's an only too @chocolatesaltyballs22

Have you heard from her yet? I think you have to take your cue from them? Remember we let them go so they can choose to come back

@Rogue1001 yeah have had a few WhatsApp messages - all good. Think I need to get a dog to love me now 😂

That's good, and means you can message her!

The WIWIKAU FB group has lots feeling the same, it's very common but I found it gets easier once they are happy and find their feet.

Well i dropped dd off today and cried all the way home didn’t cry in front of her at all and had a cheery hug etc but now just feel really sad! I still have Ds aged 9 at home and dh but she was my buddy, the person who kept me sane and company during the day and we’d go off and have lunch and do stuff together. Sad. But excited for her, of course.

I am two years on from you but our 'only' DC started Uni two years ago and honestly, he had a great time ... much harder this weekend when he left for his placement year job ... no Uni support, in a town mikes away, huge contrast to where we live and his Uni city ... but he seems OK. I am just so proud and happy at the independent young man he has become .... he's made a real effort to find a sports club and other activities to do and he's only been there 24 hours .

And I quite like the peace and quiet (and tidiness) at home .

@girlie1 moss stitch is a knitting stitch........... I thought someone was talking about me🤔😂
I dropped my first off with smiles, then cried all the way home, he never knew, it's a wonder I'm here to tell the tale as was absolutely throwing it down as I drove over the highest point of motorway in england, couldn't see with all the water inside and out!!

@girlie1 Hope the drop off went ok! Daughter seemed very happy when we left her to settle in…. Radio silence since then so I guess she’s having a good time with her new flat mates! House feels a bit quieter and I am glad I have a busy week at work to keep me occupied.
Sending big hugs to everyone who has dropped off today - let’s hope they all love it and we all fill our time with exciting new things

This age is my favourite and it’s time for them to go?! We've helped grow these wonderful humans and now they're a pleasure to have around -my number one preferred company apart from dh so it’s taking some time to get to ready to give them a little temporary shove out of the nest!
Thank you for this wonderful thread. I have learned from it for next year to keep the goodbyes short, make the bed before I leave.. Don't hang about too long and its ok to have a bawl on the way home but don't do it in front of them .. good advice and Good Luck to all you dropping off at the moment. It's good to know this mixed feeling of pride and loss is natural.

My parents didn't show a jot of emotion when I went to uni. Just a cheery hug goodbye and that was it. I can see why that feels sensible to people here but I never felt missed at home and while there's obviously more backstory, I've not been back home much since.

When I went to uni texts had just become a thing but I preferred my mum to ring me and just leave answerphone messages asking how I was getting on and we spoke on the phone every other day the first month. So depending on your relationship, she might like to stay in regular contact. I did. Weekly texts would have been nowhere near enough contact for me!

@inininsomnia

My parents didn't show a jot of emotion when I went to uni. Just a cheery hug goodbye and that was it. I can see why that feels sensible to people here but I never felt missed at home and while there's obviously more backstory, I've not been back home much since.

I definitely think there’s a balance. My Mum made it really clear I would devastate her life if I dared to go to university and put a huge amount of emotional weight on me to stay home - I think it’s a huge factor in why I didn’t go to university at all in the end. And I think equally not telling them you’re going to miss them is horrid…! Dd and I have been texting a lot since I left her and I’ve told her countless times how proud I am of her and how excited I am for her but equally that I miss her very much and can’t wait to see her at Christmas!

@Bagelsandbrie trying to get that balance is tough isn't it ! Thank goodness for being able to what's app etc to keep light touch. My mum went to my sister's Uni unannounced once - sister was mortified to say the least - we still shudder

I have this to come but just popped on to comment about my neighbour who has a child studying in US.

She and her daughter each have a Facebook/WhatsApp camera (seems to be something called portal TV) and share moments like prepping meals at home (that might be due to the time difference). It appears to track round a room if you move (unlike a laptop camera)

I can't help wondering whether that might make you both more homesick, but it seems to work for her.

My daughter sounds so similar. We're a week on and all I can say is that it will get better!
We've made good use of whatsapp calls and yes she's been weepy but every day it's a bit better. she's not a party animal but is finding her tribe gradually and starts lectures proper today. I think that'll be easier than freshers' week to be honest as it's more structure and routine.
I hope your daughter settles well, she will be fine :)

ps... we've found eating "together" at evening mealtimes some days good (via whatsapp).

Hello all and hi TheStirrer! Well drop off was so busy and hectic, made the bed and helped unpack so we could take all the boxes and suitcase home. The goodbye was fine but only because we will see her again before going home...we are still in Sheffield and she watsapped at 2am to say she'd had a great night and was back safe. I am sure there will be many more nights ahead when I am lying awake worrying about what she is up to but she is always very good at keeping in touch with even just a short message to say she is ok. We managed to forget some essentials like coat hangers/drying rack/hairdryer 🤪so she is happy for us to shop for them to drop in later. I know the main goodbye will be v hard but I will stay strong for her and think we will be in contact every day at least for now..she has always relied on me/us alot and that is part of the worry for me.
She is in no doubt we will miss her and that she is loved as much as it is possible to love but that we want her to fly and achieve so part of loving her means letting her go. I have told my daughter so many times that after ivf/a v tricky pregnancy (sadly lost her twin early on), and an early emergency c section.. that when the midwife said "you have a little daughter" was and will always be the happiest moment of my life. She likes it when I say it and always says 'awww Mum'. I have really tried though to make her independent and prepare her for this step and we have been so positive but also told her that if after a decent time she was struggling
or felt it was the wrong place for her that would be ok. My husband left his first uni after a term and he has made a success of life. Saying that we have every expectation and hope that she will be fine even if in the early days the change seems overwhelming. Sheffield seems like a great uni and hope it will work out for her.
This whole experience has made me feel so much for my late mother whom I adored. She had us 2 girls and we both went to boarding school as my Dad worked overseas, then uni in UK. It broke her heart but I never gave her much thought. Sometimes I even cut long holidays with my parents in Kenya short to race back to the boyfriend. I feel dreadful to think of it. She never once made us feel guilty or tried to be too clingy despite a less than perfect life with my alcoholic father.
Motherhood, the hardest job of all.
Lots of luck and love to everyone going through this.

@girlie1 you saying in order to let her fly you have to let her go is just beautiful - I'm going to hang on to that ..I'm to give you one back : after the goodbye there will be a hello .. I've always reminded myself of that at the airport as I say bye to DM who I don't live in the same country as..

For all of you wondering how much to keep in touch/whether you should check in by whatsapp/let her contact first… my top tip is that you can do light touch contact through the medium of your pets, if you have any. A photo of the cat stretching in a funny way or something and an emoticon can let them know you are thinking of them, doesn’t demand a response if they are having fun, but gives them an excuse to call if they are feeling wobbly. With my daughter I send her for the 1st few days a “DOTG” which was “dog of the day” ie a picture of one of the dogs. Not everyday after the first few days, but randomly and every so often. Occasionally I would get a text “Where’s my DOTG?” Which would be a prompt for me to send a photo with a message saying “everything ok?” And then I’d get a phone call.

And that DD has now grown up and flown the nest but I still find with her and all the others when at uni or travelling, and when I don’t want to hassle them with a phone call, that if I haven’t heard from them for a while and my standard text of “Proof of life please” doesn’t get a response, a picture of the dogs will ALWAYS get a thumbs up or a message.